A fireside chat by Quentin Cockburn Q.C. (an edited transcript recorded at the Settlers Club, 15 Club Lane Melbourne. The interview was recorded by Cecil Poole, former ABC Journalist (Walkeley award winner) and correspondent for ABC East Asia and sub editor of Esquire Magazine.)

Cecil: Quentin. Tell us what you think about notions of heritage?

Quentin: God how i loathe that word heritage…. whenever i hear of it i think of some nauseating sepia coloured documentary,  a backing track of some tragic playing on a cello, whilst some boring old bastard bangs on about , “in my day” .

Cecil: Surely it can’t be that bad?

Quentin: It gets worse at Anzac day, you can’t listen to the radio without hearing Mantovanis’ violins straining to the catahhral wheeze of a relic who was spared retribution by Rommel as he wallows in an anecdotal orgasm of mateship, melancholy and mortality.

Cecil: Mortality Quentin?

Heritage is mortality!!  From the coiffued, doiley inspired miasma of the National Trust, to the humorless, dessicated Heritage Architect in council, the scarf wearing over-enthusiastic curator at the local history museum or arts centre. Is it that quasi- official uniform of natural dyed fabric, and crappy costume jewellery that i find so offensive!!!
In my humble opinion Cecil, heritage is full of corpses…I often ask myself, Why do i hate it?

Cecil: Do you hate it?

Quentin: Because everything they refer to as heritage, is about as heritage as the jock strap worn by Des Tuddenham in the 1970 Grand Final. A worn out, odiferous object from another particularly shitty era in australian cultural life… In my humble opinion there is only one heritage in this country, and that’s the landscape, and the people who used to reign here.  Both are forgotten, like the victims of  a John Pilger documentary, doomed to occupy a lithograhic thought bubble on the edge of consciousness bereft of the melancholy backing track. An old postage stamp on an envelope addressed to nowhere in particular.

Cecil: Excuse me Quentin,  if that’s a preamble, then this, this chat should get us to the nub of the matter…

Quentin: You know, ( pauses to refill brandy balloon) I think we still haven’t come to terms with this land, and perhaps never will. But I offer you, (dear reader)  an insight into a final solution.  And i sincerely trust you will warm to my anecdotal take on a final solution to Public Land, and the vexed question of heritage.

Cecil: Public land Quentin?

Quentin: I’ve been fascinated an amused by the state governments decision to meld public departments particularly those related to the public heritage, our forests, crown land and tie them in with useful realm of primary industry, agriculture, and inevitably real estate.

It’s a pity i didn’t see such opportunities in my day.

Cecil: A pity?

Quentin: We could have got the job done!!

Cecil: Done’?

Quentin: It’s all about opportunity…We haven’t yet melded our galleries and libraries to the more efficient portfolios of gambling and racing, but I expect it is only a matter of time.. We need to take a serious look at utilising those underutilised reserves we used to call National Parks…. You see i was there at the very beginning.

Cecil: At the beginning?

Quentin: Oh yes i as here when Jeff took things on , gave those institutions a bit of a shake up!!

Ira: What do you mean?

Quentin: I’m glad that public life has been restorative  for those private interests denied access to our public reserves our commonwealth so to speak… and i’m gladder still that at last for people of my fathers generation who would bemoan the preponderance of teachers , lawyers and union aparatchicks in the left of the political spectrum, that the right has now consolidated itself with a new rump of sorts, the pragmatic, the politically astute the enterprising and forward thinking fraternity of estate agents… ‘Victoria is open for Business’, of course it is, but now with more real estate agents on the front bench, we can expect a much more focused public policy which hopefully will deliver more to those fortunate enough in the private sector to receive it and take it to the next level with a clear vision.

Cecil: A vision?

Quentin: Well… Like Maggie…it is reassuring that our public, libraries, hospitals, education and national parks, are seen as an indulgence of largesse by those who deserve to have more of the pie…..The axiom is simple….National Parks are expensive, they tie up resources. Though some argue they provide, the benefits to the community, spiritual, natural, community and well being, i remind them that these values are  non measurable. National Parks must pull their weight, a national park with unrealised REAL ESTATE potential is a gross indulgence, and  national park exclusive of the Right to Hunt, Fish, Shoot, Jet-Ski, Jacuzzi, Brazillian wax, Botox, and indulge in an ongoing preening narcissistic sense of self is denying a vary basic human right, National Parks by association are exclusive. They need to be opened up to the public at large, albeit the moneyed public…..

At the core of my loathing of National Parks is the affront they suggest to all humanity that recreation and spiritual fulfillment can be gained for free!!!   How dare they presume this!!! And worse still in National Parks without all those badges, those marks of identification, without the old school tie, the Hummer, and the jacuzzi, everybody is on the same level, that’s an affront also!!  Can you blame the estate agents?.. The pubic MUST be re-educated… nothing is for free, and if you want five star beaches, and views, you’ve gotta Pay for it!!!

Cecil: and what if you can’t pay?

Quentin: The answer to that is simple!!   you clearly haven’t worked HARD ENOUGH!!!