Some people are so horribly disfigured by botched plastic surgery they have to wear full- face coverings for the rest of their lives.

Another short one from Frank,

Wearing snappy tailored suits may help your appearance in multi- media presentations.

In this instance Frank regrets not seeking the plastic surgeons craft. Clearly he understands that in media, the first principle is looking good. And if youth is something of a memory, plastic surgeons can perform wonders. Recently there’s been some poor press relating to their craft, but it’s all misunderstanding. Some people just don’t appreciate how changing their face, body or organ transplants can pose some risk, and besides, beauty is a very personal thing.  It can be entirely subjective, and though the surgeon may not be qualified to do anything other than repair a broken toe nail, or anything remotely to do with surgery as a profession it doesn’t mean that the industry needs a shakeup or an over-arching authority. That would just create another layer of bureaucracy. And we don’t need that.

Just dark glasses and a hat can conceal many unsightly blemishes

It’s like political donations and declaring vested interests. We don’t need an over-arching anti-corruption agency because any oversight is purely coincident. And besides we know, as the PM tells us so, that jobs for the boys and cronyism is just a by-product of good governance. Nothing to see here, move along, and what’s Glasgow about anyway??

Often ugliness is usually associated with poverty. More often than not poor people are poor because they’re ugly.

So we’re glad we’ve cleared this issue up and hope that the gas-led recovery really delivers for the most singular issue facing the Australian people. What is that you may ask.? Equity? Transparency? Accountability?  No, something much more important! Value for shareholders and with a bit of luck the majority of shareholders will be super funds. What goes around comes around. But at the end of the day, face or no face you’ve gotta live with it, so get used to it.

Frank writes….

Hola amigos y otros,

In politics being ugly may not necessarily hold you back.

Older people will be familiar with looking into a mirror and asking themselves “Who is that old bastard?” Similarly hearing yourself talk or watching yourself talk is a cringeworthy experience, especially in a 50 minute long video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeYS86Cp7M4

Frank

The ever reliable PMG phone. ‘As easy as A and B’!

Dear reader we hit it off where we didn’t quite hit it in the first place, downstairs below the dusty dust bowl they call ‘Maralinga’. Surrounded by pommy nukes and lost in some place closely approximating the colloquial term ‘the bush’. Its an arbitrary construct at the best of times , but for those who are now versed in Aussie folklore it means anything outta the capitals and perceived as part of Barnaby’s bailiwick. Either way its code for insular and those in our community who still share a fondness for hanging, coal and old style, (more hanging) religion.. Our heroes are in a serious pickle, following Sophie in search of something deep-down and top secret, all pointing to Australia’s opportunity as a nuclear super power way back when…. And with luck to be rekindled under the august and unquestionable authority of ‘AUKUS’

Read on…

We were dumbfounded ..’Haha it’s still here, just as I left it’…

Not to be confused with the PNG Phone, (equally reliable)

The ancient PMG phone was still dyna-bolted to the wall. Sophie wiped away the dust and an old telephone receiver concealed behind an aperture was grasped. Sophie was about to make a phone call, old style. She wiped the coating of dust for the hand-piece, and tapped the cradle and the two plungers and we could hear the faint crackle of the live line. Incredibly after seventy odd years it was still active. WE could see the box, with the distinctive A and B buttons, and the phone, one of the old winder through to the operator types. It was a credit to the PMG that they could make a phone that was so robust, and like the Qualcast and the Sunbeam were still providing reliable service. ‘Australian made’ Benny Boy proudly proclaimed, Yes Benny, ‘but you’d better leave it to the experts this time as we’re old enough know how to use the thing. Shhhh. Sophie Commanded, I’m Trying to get this call through’! 

Before the NBN not everyone was employed as an executive on Prime Ministerial salaries and bonuses. Underlings had to connect the wires and plugs by hand.

‘To whom’? we queried, ‘None of your business’!

‘Well Sophe, hate to tell you this, but you’ve gotta put money in the slot. You can’t expect it to just to ring through unless you’ve heard the ‘ping’ of the coin dropping into the slot. 

What the’, Sophie lit another Sobrani, you could tell she had no idea what we were talking about.

We could tell that Sophie working earnestly for the public in every capacity and now as a celebrated Fair Work Commissioner had never used a payphone. 

‘What you’ve gotta do Sophie is either drop a sixpence, or a shilling into the slot. If it’s 1950’s it wont use twenty cent pieces and chances are a dollar would just come out the other end. 

And you had to spend more than a penny to get through

And besides, do you carry cash’?

Sophies parents being introduced to decimal currency in the 60’s

Knowing Sophie was a Fair Work Commissioner we knew she wouldn’t stoop to paying cash. That was why a Fair Work Commissioner had to be aloof from the day to day grind.  We also knew that she wouldn’t know how much basic services, telephone, rent, electricity would cost.  Part of being a Fair Work Commissioner is to be relieved of such petty concerns. In doing so that gave them the wisdom to determine just how much lower paid workers should be punished. That’s why she was paid over 400 k a year. The strain of having to make these arbitrary and bludgeoning decisions took a toll, “ just like bureaucrats in the aboriginal industry’ Ces opined; ‘they need the grotesque salaries, so as not to become affected by “ localism and aborginality, ‘ if that were to happen they’d loose all perspective and perhaps that would result in a loss of prestige and sales to Toyota Land Cruisers and investment properties. Yep,  you’re right Ces,  that would have a knock-on effect and probably cause the housing industry to collapse. 

Yep, we call it the butterfly effect, or in deference to Australia’s dealing with the frogs, ‘the papillon effect’, but nuanced cos we don’t get subtlety in Australian politics, or foreign- ness per se’. It seemed ironic that Ces would use a term such as ‘Per-se’ which sounded pretty foreign, but he made the point sometimes only a foreign word could capture something that just could not be condensed into  the colourful and nuanced vocabulary of “Australian English”. 

Unless you were on the “Bush Telegraph”, which was free provided you didnt mind having your reputation tarnished by exaggration and hyperbole.

 Sophie then asked us, ‘ok any of you got two bob’? 

There was a catch, it was a pay phone, and incredibly after all those decades, still active. 

Did any of us have a bob?? 

Who still carried cash? 

We emptied out pockets, nothing…. 

This was our way out and all of a sudden we were rifling our pockets, underwear, shoe laces for a pre decimal florin. 

Because communication in the bush is all about upholding ‘family values’.

Is it a duodecimal denouement, is this the end of their worth as currency, find out in the next denominational episode; ‘Three clowns in the fundament’, or ‘toss a coin and call me liar’,  but fer fuck-sakes not a Ju- LIAR’!

JAY and SCOMO, Mateship borne through KING-COAL and COP Intransigence! GO NUCLEAR!

Dear reader, we return to our saga of Ces and Quent in pursuit of the truth behind Ms Culthorpe who was so cruelly defiled as an intern in the Nation’s Parliament. With more twists and turns than the irrefutable logic of the PM’s climate response, there seems to be no way out other than the ‘Australian Way’. Is the ‘Australian Way’ enough? Is it impossible to move forward, when the entire apparatus of everything strives to hold you back? Will Kurds find their weigh? Have Ces and Quent run out of puff? And has Sophie got them slotted for something more hideous than a one way ticket to Kabul with ‘Benny-Boy’ Roberts Smith in tow? Read on if you dare for as the SAS emblem proclaims; ‘Who Dares Wins’. (some of the time)…. 

Minister for Black-face Matt Canavan is all for NUCLEAR!

As we recall, our heroes were being led to an underground rail line built by who knows what to who knows where? Perhaps, (we hesitate to ask) by the same alchemic force that contrived the Federal climate policy….

Ces began the line of enquiry, 

‘Excuse us Sophie, but this rail line. Would you mind telling us, where does it go to and how long has it been here’? 

Sophie lit a Sobrani, and calmly informed us; ‘this little beauty, an underground rail link, the poms built it in the fifties. They had tunnels built all under the desert. They’re good at building underground sewers and systems. This was to provide secret access to top level scientists, KGB agents and members of the CIA without too much publicity. In the 50’s we all had a share in the nuclear pie, and joined forces, I bet ya didn’t know that!!!  And you know that we were well on the road, to making Australia a global NUCLEAR SUPERPOWER’!

Sophie, was in fine form, as a Fair Work Commissioner, she clearly knew how to articulate a righteous and infallible position. 

‘Not only that, we had uranium coming out of our ears, everyone was happy to buy it, and then, (she took another drag on the Sobrani and we marvelled at the bluish smoke ring as it spiralled and twisted in the gloom) the whole thing came crashing down, And do you now what made it all crumble’?

“Was it tariffs’? Quent timidly asked, 

‘Nup’!

‘Was it an interfering regulatory authority like the United Nations’?

‘Nah. Think again’?

‘Was it the threat of takeover and annihilation at the spread of global communism that stopped it’?

Barnaby sees GOLD STANDARD in going NUCLEAR

‘Nup, it was the dickhead running the so -called ‘Australian Academy of Science’? 

‘Macfarlane Burnett’!!!

She said the words as she spat them out through gritted teeth. He’s the drongo who questioned nuclear proliferation, TROUBLE MAKERS’!

Apparently he was worried about the storage of spent fuel reactor leaks and all that dumb greeny shit hyperbole, that’s stopped us from selling of the national parks, privatising national health and funding rat-bag lefty stirrers to sit on boards of enquiry. It was stopped because as a nation, we lost faith in ourselves. It was if, we all got caught in the fear of the NEW! We choked on a glorious future of Nuclear POWER! Whatever happened there-after, tariffs, the closing of Qualcast, and the death of great Australian names, ‘Victa, Hills and Vegemite’, all went off-shore. From thereon whatever we managed to manufacture was held down by green tape. Got to the stage you couldn’t clear the land of natives and let off atomic devices without exhaustive environmental checks. In a word,  it just got too fucking hard.  We lost out mojo, and then we became the backwater for R and D we are today. Today, you mention R and D and the Real Estate industry want a slice, and the coal industry want whatever’s left for ‘Clean-Coal’ and carbon storage, when the real deal all along was NUCLEAR!

Since pissing off the frogs, Scomo has got us going nuclear all the way. And you know what, it’s gonna make me and my partner FILTHY RICH’!

Your partner?

Yep my partner in crime, he’s the best of the best and he’s out current Energy Minister, Ya didn’t know that!! But now you do, don’t pretend to be surprised, 

Minister for Nuclear a CHAMPION for NUCLEAR AUSTRALIA!

Who made squillions outta water futures?

Who has the Cayman registered company?

Who diverted rivers of gold for  improvement” from the NSW government

Who confected the campaign against the Sydney Council,

And who, pretends to champion a technical solution to stuff that doesn’t work

Me old mate, Angus, 

Through Angus I got to meet Xi, and get Vlad in on it, we’re gonna make a killing that’ll make Geoff Bezos wanna give up. 

And i’ll be in front. As the deal maker, and once again Australia will have a NUCLEAR FUTURE!!! 

The sun will shine for a Nuclear Future, 

Kiddies will sing for a nuclear future, 

And the denizens of our interior, the dry dusty wasteland will benefit by being a global leader in nuclear waste storage’!! 

We could tell in all fairness, Sophie had a point, being a Fair Work Commissioner we gave her full marks for articulating the vision that put taxpayers funds and the Commonwealth in the pockets of cronies and carpet-baggers. ‘I suppose’, Ces, reflected, ‘its what makes the world go round’.

Keith Pitt, will go NUCLEAR if he cant go BALLISTIC on COAL!

But is that all that makes the world go round? Find our in our next circumferential episode, ‘Spin is all the world vision Scomo has”, or;  ‘What goes round might more often than not, be round’. 

Dear reader, another fragment from Frank.

In this missive he suggests that important legislation is pushed through Parliament by stealth. How could this be we ask?  Haven’t we got the most representative parliament any lobbyist could wish for? And if it aint broke for Coal, Big-Business, rent – seekers and the Superannuation Industry and reputable enterprises such as Sportsbet 24/7 and Crown Casino, how could it get any more representative?  Surely it couldn’t be held in trust for the people. Surely that’s taking democracy too far. What is Frank on about. We at pcbycp are deeply confused, but Frank could be onto something. He writes…

Hi friends and others,

On 18^th June 1981 the first flight of a stealth aircraft took place. It was the F-117 Nighthawk designed to be invisible to radar.

So too, much legislation passes through the Australian Parliament by stealth, invisible to scrutiny.

Stealth 2. Good to see no-one bothered to turn up to push through the legislation.

Pictured above is the Senate passing the Stronger Futures legislation on 29/6/2012 which from memory was ahead of the release of the report on a Parliamentary inquiry into the proposed legislation. (I make it 6 people in the chamber)

The Central Land Council (CLC) held a meeting at Tennant Creek from 2 to 4 November.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz1TUkLCvzY There is a meeting here tonight…

Stealth 3 Australia’s most decorated soldier Ben Roberts Smith recites ‘the Good Ship Venus’ to adoring Afghani kiddies before stealthily and single-handedly killing 15 suspected Afghan terrorists from their stronghold at a Kabul flower stall.

 The 5^th November was the deadline for submissions to the Senate Inquiry into the Aboriginal Land Rights (Northern Territory) Amendment (Economic Empowerment) Bill 2021
Thus Yuendumu delegates to the CLC meeting had one day left to return from Tennant Creek (A distance of 613.2 Km via the Stuart Highway), read the 80 pages of legalese obfuscation and make a response. It won’t surprise you that it didn’t happen.

On 6^th of November, I caught up with three Senior Yuendumu Warlpiri Men who’d been to the Tennant Creek meeting. Independently I asked these men:

“Have you heard of the ‘Economic Empowerment’ proposed amendments to the Land Rights Act? “, and “Was this mentioned at the meeting?”

All three men answered both questions without hesitation- “NO”

Stealth 4. Unarmed woman tasered, sprayed and pole-axed by Victorian Police trained in “Public Order Response”. Stealth tactics learnt in the field post-intervention and applied to the citizenry at large to ensure Victoria is awarded the ‘Bjelke Medal’ for establishing a ’21st Century Police State’

On 25^th August 2021 Minister for Indigenous Australians Ken Wyatt did a media release which started with:
The Morrison Government has today introduced to Parliament the most comprehensive set of reforms to the Aboriginal Land Rights (Northern Territory) Act 1976 since its enactment, with the Economic Empowerment Bill.

I won’t repeat my objections to this Bill.

Further down Ken Wyatt’s Media Release there is this:

“These reforms, co-designed with the Northern Territory Land Councils, deliver on what Indigenous Australians in the NT have been seeking for decades.”
I wonder if my three friends are aware of having sought what these reforms deliver for decades?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtGmZARZivc and here a song from around the time Aborigines in the NT got Land Rights.

And we thought it was about drugs.

I for one ain’t buying this legislation.

Chau,

Stealth 5. Representation by stealth. An un-elected lump of coal stuns parliament with best maiden speech since Federation.

Frank

The new broom in Canberra. Keefy brings along a lump of uranium ore to show and tell, (Parliament)

Dear reader, we return to the vexed question of trust and International affairs from the perspective of our two captive heroes Ces and Quent, who find themselves, luckless and subterranean at the behest of Australia’powerfullest, most powerful woman and Fair Work Commissioner, Sophie Mirabella.  Has the luck run out?  Or is there time yet to arrest their decline. ‘Decline and Fall’, as Gibbon said. ‘Who the fuck’s he’? Scomo said. ‘It’s irrelevant’ Barnaby insists, ‘cos at the end of the day, the electorate is apathetic and no one really gives a toss’… toss on…

‘Don’t even open yer mouths’, Sophie was furiously insistent.. 

We waited, her outline in the pallid light a picture of porcine pulchritude. 

We waited. 

We could see Sophie peering into the gloom, she had a arrived at another junction, and faintly, almost imperceptibly, we could feel a soft breeze. Ces noticed the change and whispered, ‘there must be a way out, can you feel it’? And sure enough, the breeze, fresh and arid, promised us a hope, eternal and remote, of escape.

Keefy is fucken serious about coal and urianium and other shit wot the lobbyists pay him to care about.

We waited 

“Now’, Sophie whispered; ‘I want you to come towards me, and Benny-Boy, have a couple of grenades at the ready, for if we have to use em I don’t want there to be any doubt. 

Get me’?

Benny grunted acknowledgement, and the three of us shimmied along the side of the corridor until we arrived on a platform of sorts. 

‘It’s along here, I left it last time, but I’m not sure if ‘they’ have discovered it yet. 

‘They’? We enquired, ‘none of your business’!!

Sure keefy aint Arty Caldwell?

‘I’ll tell you when it’s safe to do so. 

Now give me a hand, and Benny, can you shone your combat ready illuminatory hand piece in this direction’? Benny quick as lightning, shone a torch below. Why it wasn’t just referred to as a ‘torch’ was beyond us but we knew as the former head of the senate committee on military procurement Sophie was up to date on all the latest military terminology and knew to the nearest cent how much a triple A battery would cost. That’s why it’s sensible not to question military procurement, as it’s beyond most ordinary folks comprehension, and besides it’s secret and to do so would compromise the national interest. ‘Just like witness K’! Ces mused, ‘we have to imprison citizens who tell us our government throws away the rule book to screw an impoverished raped over country to preserve our integrity at the negotiation table at Glasgow and beyond. If we’re bent, people know we have diplomatic clout and ruthlessness to join the table.  Without that sort of duplicity we’re’, he paused for additional effect… “a global nobody”. 

Ces was right, that’s the spirit that had assisted our PM in eschewing the niceties of Glasgow and a universal accord via the ‘Australian way’. Scomo had shown to all tin-pot potentates and French speaking people that Australia would not be trifled with. And in doing so our nation, and the people he represented had won ‘International Respect”. 

Scomo and Barnaby seem to think so, they bought along a lump of coal to show and tell and it caused OUTRAGE

The light from the torch indicated that just two feet below us a track, two thin ribbons of metal going in either direction, and sensing the breeze blowing from the starboard quarter we all knew instinctively which direction to take. ‘This way’ Sophie pointed, ‘and help me down’! With one hand Benny-boy lifted our exalted Fair Work Commissioner and put her down. 

‘Then, ‘follow me’. Quietly we trudged, hoping against all hope that we would soon be in broad daylight.  Away from Angus’ and Xi’s cronies and once freed we would find out just who it was who defiled our Tea-lady Ms Culthorpe in the Nation’s Parliament, and perhaps from the P.M himself, get to the truth. 

Truth or no truth we had to ask Sophie, how the rail line in the middle of nowhere was built for what purpose and to what end? Is there an end? And what could it possibly mean? Find out in our next testimential episode; ‘a clock ticks to a timelesss beat some-times’  or  ‘not even synchopated rhythm can help you find the groove when your wearing corduroy underpants’. 

Dear reader, we return to where we left off

SCOMO struts the world stage. ‘Internationally famous in Australia’!

Our heroes stuck below a cavern full of pommy nukes at Maralinga and being led by Angus’s and Xi’s most powerful hench-person, Sophie Mirabella. Can things get worse? You may have to ask a  submariner or a lump of coal for the answer. For coal is black, as black as night. And like our PM, there’s no telling wrong from right. 

We shuffled in single file, Benny’s breathing growing louder and louder as he determined which weapons system to use in a confined space. We appreciated his dilemma as in a tunnel one had to be very careful about concussion. Too much explosive and we’d all be hit, whereas, a bullet could dangerously ricochet and cause untold damage. Unlike the open space and villages of Tarren Kwot it was difficult to negotiate a way through the gloom and more difficult still, (on the off chance), to secure by a prodigious task of confected heroism, pick up another V.C. 

That would be a bar to the V.C.

(Scomo to Scomo) ” just pretend you give a fuck about clmate change, no one else in the Coalition does…. nor does Labor either’!

Could it be done? 

The thought rattled around inside ‘Benny Boys’ head.  That would mean more product endorsement, more lectures to kiddies, not in school rooms, but packed stadia, and perhaps become a managing director, not just of Seven but Foxtel and the entire panoply of Sky News. As these thoughts raced through Benny’s head, we were still mired in worry. Worry that our situation, like our hope for a considered science – based federal climate policy was set perhaps a bar too high. Was it tempting fate to just hope that decency and common sense would be enough to see us through? Was the behaviour evinced by our government at Glasgow indicative of Australians’ at large, to tell the world to go get stuffed, mind yer own business and either fuck off or learn; ‘The Australian Way’? Was ‘the Australian way’ the only way? 

Was the ‘Australian Way’ the same as being ‘Un- Australian’, which was dog-whistle for wops, dago’s, anything with a whiff of Camembert , Rochefort or Brie? Or perhaps anyone who eschewed the rationale of yellow sandpaper and winning at all costs even if it meant cheating? 

Prince Chales to Scomo; “Camilla and I think Awstwalia’s stance is unbecoming’ and on another note your breath stinks of either Rochefort or Brie, fer chrissakes do something about it’!

Because in the end, winning, whether it be on the cricket pitch, at Glasgow or as the number one carbon emitter per person globally, is all that counts! 

Benny tried to make light of our situation. In a tight squeeze you could rely on a member of the SAS to be cheery, that’s what made them outstanding soldiers in the field, feared and respected the world over.   ‘Did I ever tell you boys about the night at the Fat Lady’s Arms, when we held a review for the arrival of the UK Special Envoy on UXB’s, (Un-exploded bombs)  Prince Andrew”? 

(Scomo to Barnaby) ‘After my stint in Glasgow I promise you and yer mate Keefy a night out at the Fat Lady’s Arms for being such good sports and for backing me up on my fracas with the frogs’!

We smiled, another Prince Andrew story, this’ll get us through these dark days we thought to ourselves.  ‘No Benny do tell’?  It was comforting that Benny held the great tradition of the  Aussie yarn intact. Something that had not yet been atomised by the twin pillars of social media and instagram.  “Well,  (Benny warmed to his subject)  its like this see, (Benny relished the opportunity to spin a good yarn). Yarn spinning is all in the telling and we knew that Benny was an expert in the great  Aussie tradition of mixing fact with a helluva lot of fiction. In this respect he was a bloody legend. Eagerly we rejoiced for some relief and the anticipation of a yarn well told.  ‘There’s this contortionist, a dwarf and a Afghani snake-charmer and they walked into this pub, and the contortionist said to the snake charmer, I bet you fifty bucks the dwarf has….. “ Shhhhhhh” Sophie admonished, Stop right now, there’s something coming. STAND DEAD STILL’….. 

We stood frozen…..what else could we do?  We were still trapped, and with Sophie in charge there was no mistake. Just like  an ordinary low-paid wage earner before the Fair Work Commission we were still in deep shit…and Sophie all smeared mascara and over- applied lippy would never let us forget it. 

And there was always the chilling thought, that perhaps in front of us, behind us, to either side, behind any inspection portal niche or reinforced steel and titanium door not yet earmarked for Australia’s future submarines program, there may still be a de-activated pommy nuke. One chance encounter could trigger a catastrophe greater in all estimation than both our abrogation at Glasgow or our shabby denouement of the French president.  Because for being foreign, he Bloody well deserved it!  And why? Because that’s ‘the Australian way’!

Is there any other way? 

Find out in our next Francophillic episode, “ Fully Franked and Furious”! or, “is to be fully franked, frank enough…. frankly?”

Dear reader

We at pcbycp are loathe to editorialise, as it smacks of sanctimony. 

A sinecure in a government board? A position on the High Court? Another vacancy for a proven Fair Work Commissioner?

We don’t pretend to hold the high moral ground as we have a firm and resolute understanding of hypocrisy. That’s why this documentary based on real and unassailable fact is so important. Rather than deal with the Federal Governments fiction of giving a stuff about carbon, we describe in scintillating detail the acts of selfless movers and shakers in public life. In doing so, and in this instance we’ve been able to shed a light on Sophie Mirabella post parliament. Although described as ‘electoral poison’ by ignorant voters who just don’t understand her depth, we have been able to prove as an exalted Fair Work Commissioner just how she has attained a new standing amongst the electorate and the taxpayer. 

Perhaps a board position with Vicroads or on another BIG INFRASTRUCTURE SPEND? Carparks for Railway Stations?

Why are we saying this? For the community benefit as it is hoped whenever Tim Smith does resign from the state parliament, his federal colleagues will save him for ever having to really work for a living by finding him a publicly funded sinecure. If it works for Sophie it must work for Tim.

Even as a little kiddy at Scots Grammar “Timbo” was anointed by GOD to destroy the will of worthless, unimportant people who worked for a living, and sought preferrment by being ‘nice’ to people…..

His absence of maturity, wit and conviviality has nothing to do with it. He is welded to public life and it’s a waste of a precious resource if he weren’t parachuted into a well-paid position. We hope the board of SBS and the ABC take heed and there may be openings in the Australian War Memorial for a man of his calibre. Perhaps an entire new suite of exhibitions space and galleries devoted to recognising African Crime gangs as a an existential threat to the ‘Australian Way’ more urgent than war with China, or other bits of the world not aligned to ‘Australian values’ would be worthwhile? With this thoughtful insight, let us return to the saga of our two heroes Ces and Quent in their search for who defiled our tea-lady Ms Culthorpe as a parliamentary intern. We hope that leadership by our Prime Minister, a man of recognised international integrity will uncover the perpetrator of this dastardly act. 

You may recall our destiny had become inextricably tied to the will of Australia’s foremost Fair Work Commissioner Sophie Mirabella, former member for Indi and perhaps Australia’s, (if not most powerful), most influential woman. And, to make matters more intriguing, we now had the protection of Australia’s most decorated and arguably bravest soldier, ‘Benny-Boy’ Roberts-Smith on our side.  Because as you may also recall it was Benny who swapped sides as Sophie was about to have us all wasted and provided the very same AK47 and gaffer tape used to such good effect in Afghanistan. All is not lost……. yet. Our heroes are a little beyond geographically embarrassed, and heading down with Sophie. Who leads them into the very depths of the earth, down down down, below the chamber of pommy nukes and the underground bunker to who knows where. Read on….

‘Timbo’ diligently sorting though funding applications to marginal seats and helping Christian with his Blind Trust.

The trudging seemed endless, and every now and then we’d pause. Sophie would stop as if listening for something, and then, after a pause motion us to follow.  Behind us the crunch crunch of Benny’s boots reminded us of our saviour and protector. None of us spoke, we just followed. Sophie who as an exalted Fair Work Commissioner was on top of this situation. 

“Now boys, when we get to a junction I want you to do something for me. When I say the word I want you to be very quiet, and wait before we go on ahead. When I give the signal, a flash from this Argyle ring Gina gave me for helping scotch the resource rent tax, (she held up her pudgy ring-finger and displayed a gem the size of a golf ball), you come after me, but quietly. No talking, and no moving till I give the word, got it!! And …. No funny business’!

‘But what’s to stop you from pissin off and just leaving us here, ‘how can we trust you’?

‘TRUST ME’! Because as the French President said; ‘I don’t think……….. I know’!!!!

YOU CAN TRUST ME! !!!!  Because… YOU MUST TRUST ME’!

My word’, and she paused for effect; “IS MY BOND”!

What were we to say? With Sophie’s word her bond it posed a series of infinite possibilities. Was Sophie’s word as binding as Scomo’s? Could we chat to the French President on the line to evaluate the veracity real or otherwise? Did we have the time? It seemed fruitless. We were a banana short of the peanut. 

Sophie wasn’t for equivocating. 

He gave em ‘HIS WORD’! Silly bugger believed him….

‘And besides, because you’ve got nothing else goin for you other than stopping the nukes I might even feel favourably inclined towards you. Proof as some would say I aint all bad’. Then with that, she gave us a smirk, it was repulsive and yet intoxicating. Once seen, more powerful than Medusa’s penetrating gaze to stop one in their steps, and question the very source of humanity we were intent upon preserving.  ‘And Don’t move, what I’ve gotta do is very tricky, and if you stuff up were all gonners’.

‘Allright Sophe, Ces sighed, ‘what choice have we but i’ll have Benny keep an eye on you with this’ …. He pointed to Bennys saddle-bag brimming with rocket propelled grenades. ‘Anything shifty, and you’ll  be dealing with more than a Christmas cracker’! 

Sophie ignored the threat and her grin turned to an evil sneer, she could change facial expressions just like that It demonstrated her capacity for even-handedness as a Fair Work Commissioner. 

And with that, we arrived at a sort of platform and a junction with three tunnels going off in different directions she pressed her index finger to her pudgy lips and whispered, ‘now do as I say and no one ‘ll get hurt’, and then, crept to the portal of the nearest tunnel. Her footsteps began to grow softer and then a vague illumination outlined her famously recognisable silhouette.  From our perspective it looked all the world like and animated wig-wam, a bell tent or a bean bag, but we knew it to be Sophie and the destiny she carried. 

From the long corridor came the whisper; ‘you can come follow me now’!, 

Will our heroes follow? What lies await? Is Sophies word her bond? Find out in the next intersectional episode as we get to the bottom of how our political class sustains “A NEW LOW”!

In; “leaked texts aren’t necessarily contextual’,……

or, 

“Cant put a finger on it? How do you say LIAR in French’?

Once again, Frank keeps us up to date on another sneaky piece of legislation. Another voter registration Furphy?  Or perhaps the latest interpretation on why Macron and the French people can’t take a joke. Coud’ve told em ourselves from years of working experience that there’s nothing more untrustworthy than a fundamentalist happy clapper. But poor old Emanuel had to find out the hard way. Perhaps he should’ve organised a contract with our friends up north, at least they’d stick to it with some good grace. On climate, contracts, and everything except maintaing the suck-hole ascendancy for the likes of Scomo, Angus and Barnaby there’s no such thing as fair play. Just ask witness K? Frank writes….

Mateship is FUCKING UP THE ENVIRONMENT as an expression of GODS WILL! ONYA ‘THE AUSTRALIAN WAY’!

Dear all,

Mateship is sealing the deal and then when a better opportunity comes knocking pretend it never ever happened. ‘THE AUSTRALIAN WAY’!

The powers that be, are sneaking through some legislation which will further entrench their control of Aboriginal Land. Little is it realized that in what I dub the ‘coastal voter belt’ your average Australian suburban house owner has more say in their little piece of Australia than your average Remote Aboriginal Community resident has over their backyard.
Some fast footwork by Concerned Australians and others has yielded a Senate Inquiry. Hooray, they have given us a one-week deadline for submissions!

Very motherhood and apple pie that: “Economic Empowerment”!
Guess what? We won’t get fooled again… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V1K9pMlimE

 Submissions are due next week Friday, 5 Nov. They can be lodged at https://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Committees/Senate/Finance_and_Public_Administration/ALREconomicEmpowerment

Mateship is letting the dog or the tomato do the whistling. ‘The AUSTRALIAN WAY’!

With some trepidation I embarked on writing a submission. It really needs lots of submissions and below is a copy of mine which shows that it’s easier than I thought. Short submissions are easy- if you have any Indigenous friends, ask them if they’ve heard of this legislation, and if they haven’t, tell the inquiry so.
You might mention that the amendments undermine self-determination.
And guess what? Because this is a Bill, ‘terms of reference’ are not applicable, they are the Bill itself.

Mateship is all about, (at the end of the day) being able to laugh about it till you’re sick, Cos its someone else’s problem. That’s ‘the Australian Way’!

Senate Inquiry into the Aboriginal Land Rights (Northern Territory) Amendment (Economic Empowerment) Bill 2021
My name is Frank Baarda. I’m a non-Indigenous resident of Yuendumu and have worked and lived here with my family since 1973 (48 years).
I’m not aware of any consultations having taken place in Yuendumu regarding these amendments, nor have I met any Warlpiri person who is aware of the proposed amendments let alone comprehend the complex legalese English.
I attended the Warlpiri Land Claim in March of 1978. I have witnessed how from an era of great optimism whitefella bureaucracies have gradually usurped Aboriginal Land Rights so that presently very little real consultation and consent takes place.
The proposed amendments will only exacerbate the disconnect between the rightful owners and the controllers of the land.
The proposed amendments will further weaken the inalienability of Aboriginal Land. More money controlled by outsiders will be generated by sacrificing cultural integrity.
This bill will result in economic empowerment, but of the wrong people. The Bill having such far reaching consequences deserves much more scrutiny than it presently has, and it is criminal to rush it through.
Frank Baarda, Yuendumu, 31^st October 2021
fdbaarda@gmail.com 0473 677 068

Power to the people: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Epue9X8bpc  

Enough serious stuff- a nice bit of music….

Mateship is about maintaining TRADITION and the STATUS QUO at whatever the COST! ‘The Australian Way’!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea43bmyMBm8

Chau,

Frank

And don’t forget: Please join next Wed, 3 Nov free online event about Frank Baarda’s new book “My Yuendumu story”. For details, please see: https://reconciliation4westernsydney.org/virtual-building-bridges-2021/

Dear reader,

the post corona lockdown and ‘allowable freedoms’ have resulted in a out-pouring of joy not witnessed since the restoration of 1660. This poem comes to us from a junior subscriber, A,A Milne of MrPlod Street Cristopher Robin Crescent. He writes; ‘dear pcbycp I am 12 years of age and submit this poem for your circumspection‘.

We are delighted that young Christopher realises that he is but fragment of a new dawn that provides rich reward for those who obey the will to obey the principle of FEAR.  His piece is published in full…(no pun intended)

Lost Children

‘Mummy and daddy told me so

If I were lost, I must surely go,

To a kindly policeman on the street

Directing traffic with steady feet,

Tap him on his tunic sleeve

My pain and worry to relieve,

Arms like semaphores, sure and grand 

He’ll guide you with a steady hand,

The policeman does almost all he can

To serve the kindly ‘Uncle Dan’,

His guiding hand, his vision fixed

Eschews the grind of politics,

If you’re lost, and mummy’s worried sick

You’ve got ‘Uncle Dan’ and ‘Corona Vic’,

To question as Michael Leunig did

Cancel culture must surely bid,

Oh what fun it surely must be

To criminalise the citzenry,

To accept the doctrine and surmize

We citizens are now infantilised,

Fully indexed,’aboriginalisation’

An edict for Incarceration,

For souls depleted of mind or voice

The question is: “was there a choice”?

By pain of fine or safety charter

To dump the message of Magna Carta.

A climate policy that’s so secret, it doesn’t even have a name!

Dear reader, we return to our compelling documentary of what’s really happening behind the scenes and unlock some of the secrecy surrounding the Coalition’s stunning Climate Change policies. We hope as the whole front bench does that technologies not yet invented will save the day? Or perhaps technologies that have already been invented but have not seen the day as a conequence of the Coalitions’ sensible distaste for research, science, tertiary institutions and anything that questions the over-arching infallibility of ‘Clean Coal’ and an all-loving God.

Read on, and uncover the wisdom that lies beneath the secrecy….a secrecy over climate dealing which has been witheld from the electorate for their own good.

Sophie has her gag removed and our heroes Ces, Quent and Benny-Boy wait for her to make a sound. Though they know whatever they hear will not be ‘nice’!

A Climate Policy endorsed by Crown Casino’s high flyer suite and Christian’s blind trust.

We stood around her, she’d stopped swearing and her face, flushed brighter shade of crimson, was a picture of pudge. And then, the lips moved, slowly at first, but then sound issued forth, we strained to hear.  “Well boys! You think you’ve got it all sewed up. But you need me! I’m glad about that’!  She looked at us with such withering contempt, and made no effort to get up. Being a Fair Work Commissioner she liked her soliloquies to be kept salutary and subjugational. In this she evinced great respect for the tools of good governance and the traditions of the Westminster system, a system that had given us Prince Andrew as an exemplar of public behaviour and leadership the world over. And upon refection, the blind trust that paid for Christians Porters defence. 

‘You’ve realised as exalted member of the Fair Work Commission that my wisdom is unassailable and my wit impregnable. So….. Let’s do a deal!!

‘Allright Sophe, we want a way out, 

And we want our freedom, not in a Uighur or Tibetan or Aboriginal kinda way just to be slotted in jail, a detention centre or Don Dale, but real freedom, to be let go, and left alone.  And if you can help us, we’ll pretend none of this ever happened.

You can go back to what you do for a living and we can take the less criminal path’. 

Sophie smiled before replying, and the smile was almost grotesque for it seemed implausible for her to be grinning like that. 

‘Allright boys, you’re on! Untie me, and I’ll let you outta here, 

But first you’ve gotta promise me one thing?

‘What’s that Sophe’? Benny-boy boomed, 

A Climate Policy so secret Assange will likely rot in prison for the term of his natural life rather than the public cop an eyeful of Coalition climate science!

‘You’re not to tell anyone of this operation, the pommy nukes or the operatives I have here working for Angus and Xi’.

She looked at each of us with a penetrating eye, as her mascara had run it looked ghoulish and reptilian. it was a tall order, but with Ms Culthorpe’s integrity at stake we agreed it was the right thing to do. We all nodded in furious agreement. 

‘Well then boys, Let s get started’. 

A climate science so secret that even witness K won’t be let near it as leaking would possibly damage our NATIONAL INTEREST!

It puzzled us,  Sophie was almost engaging, she’d stilled the venom, and as we dusted her down, and wiped her pudgy hands and face with Dettol, (there was always a bottle or two on hand) we began to think there was a softer side. Perhaps that why she was chosen as a Fair Work Commissioner, she understood clemency and contrition and deal making. And this was an enterprise bargaining deal that we had to be all over. It didn’t bear thinking what would happen to us if we were unable to see the small print. And in the darkness, it was all a blur. 

It was too soon to tell, but one thing we did know, that Sophie held our lives in the balance, once again.

Adjusting her glasses, and surveying the tomb and the rows of pommy nukes, she pointed to an old filing cabinet, used to contain in-trays and requisition orders not yet countersigned by Daryl Maguire. ‘See that! I want you to push on this door here’. 

And no sooner as force was applied by the indomitable Benny- Boy the door moved with a great and grinding creak. And beyond it, a stairwell descended deep into the stygian gloom. ‘Down here’! she commanded, “but on one condition I lead”!!. With Benny-Boy taking up the rear, his AK fully loaded, we descended, 

A Climate Policy more secret than dudding the French president and not even bothering to tell him that he’d been pissed on by his mates. That’s the ‘AUSTRALIAN WAY’!!

Will Sophie take them for another ride slightly more circuitous than the last one? Will she ditch the witch and confront Ju-liar as she promised with Tone in 2013, and stick it once and for all for climate change?  ‘Plus ca change’ as the frogs would say, it’s all submersible  and deep water under the Arch de Triomphe. And if you haven’t got one of those, McDonalds arches will do .