Angus was fuming!

Dear reader we found ourselves in a pickle. The Energy Minister is rope-able because we’ve made him look a bit Clover Moore, and the P.M is going to do a Witness K on us. And to top it all off, we just knew TOO MUCH! And as Witness K would tell you, ‘that’s BLOODY DANGEROUS’! But in spite of the severe risks, we were determined to find out who the ring-leader was. In short who was M’? This was in the interests of national security, and by hook or by crook the public needed to know just how Angus had been using the Australian public as prawns for his evil-doing, kow-towing to his overlords in China.

Could Angus and Clover Moore be one and the SAME!

Who’s M? It had us stumped! And before the next document in the USB was revealed the phone went. I said to Ces, ‘you answer it’! Ces replied tersely, “no you answer it”,

‘Well then, (I said irritably) it’ll just keep ringing’. After an hour the phone was still ringing. We drew straws. We thought this could be Jamie, or even Angus. Neither of us wanted to talk to Jamie, as we considered it ‘improper’. And Angus? Well, that was another kettle of fish altogether. You could never tell where he’d been. Ces picked it up, put it on speaker, and the voice on the other end was gravelly and deep, and vaguely familiar. “Angus has told me, you boys got my little usb’?
“yep’ we replied monosyllabically. We didn’t want to give too much away…,

‘Angus tells me, That little shit Jamie gave it to ya’.

Could Nev be ‘M’?

‘Yes’ we replied timidly

“I want it back! Angus is in deep shit, and when Angus is in trouble, I get REALLY Fucken ANGRY! And that means you’re in DEEP SHIT! Matter of fact, we’re all in trouble.

Angus is fuckin angry over what your meddling has done, and as Angus’s and Scomo’s boss I’m inclined to set the record straight. Angus works for me, and though he’s gotta lot to learn he shows potential. You lot however make me SICK!

It’s not beyond plausible, perhaps George is “M”?

‘I’ve got one thing to tell you, and listen, otherwise you’ll be joining Ghislaine in Chokey, and listen up real good or you’ll be doing Ghislaine’s dad. Floatin upside down, Get me’!

‘yyyess’, we still couldn’t work out who it was, but he sounded unerringly familiar. We tossed around names in our head. Was it Errol? (nah dead) was it Prince Charles? Too rough and we could get the whiff of an Aussie accent. One that had gone mid-atlantic, bit like Aussie actors who drop their twang as soon as they hear the word ‘Oscar,’

We could hear heavy breathing… he sounded like a really old bloke who lived on a diet of whiskey and ciggies. He continued,

‘That USB , consider it sacred. If you lose it, YOU’RE DEAD!

If you so much as look at its contents, YOU’RE DEAD!

If you let someone look at it, YOU’RE DEAD!

Or Bob? Perhaps he aint dead yet?

And if you breathe a word of it, YOU’RE DEAD!

‘We’ll hold onto it’, we stammered,

‘You might as well know if you’re not with me, YOU’RE DEAD!.

And if you’re with me, he laughed hoarsely, (the laugh indicating the full measure of his overarching power), you might as well still be DEAD!

He continued laughing: ‘consider it this way, you’re already practically DEAD RIGHT NOW’!!

‘Deader than that little two-timing shit Tony Blair was, after he’d had a go at me missus’’. And the only reason why you’re alive, is because I aint said its time for you to be DEAD YET!

Or Gerard? It is rumoured the God’s first name is Gerard.

Get Me’?

‘Yesssir’, we stammered, the voice sounding so familiar, yet scarily remote, bit like the voice of GOD on a bad day. He continued his monologue, you could tell this man knew all about POWER!

‘And while I’m at it, your wives and kiddies are being held in safe custody, just to make sure you don’t scream to the Guardian or The AGE. From hereon, don’t breathe a word. My plan is to meet you at a remote location this upcoming Australia Day, 10.00 am sharp. Angus will be in touch. No slip- ups , or (we guessed it) YOU’RE DEAD!

Dyse is very powerful in close encounters.

He slammed the receiver down,

What will happen to our celebrated and some-say under-funded heroes? Will this latest twist put them six feet under? Will they grasp victory from the jaws of defeat and save Australia and get off the Job- Seeker? Who is M, and what has it got to do with a Wendy?

the thought did cross our mind, perhaps ” M’ was a person who was internationally famous in Australia”?

Stay tuned for our next episode, “ A robo-debt that can never be paid” or..’Prime ANGUS and Get REAL ESTATE’!

Pulling together at Scotch Grammar for social equality

Dear reader as you recall, our heroes had made some astonishing discoveries about Jam-land and its overlord Angus, but to our surprise we discovered there was someone even more powerful and higher up the food chain than China.  An individual who went by the name of ‘M’. If we could unlock the identity of ‘M’ we could at the very least  ask for a share of the Rivers of Gold derived from screwing the Australian taxpayer, and get off the Job Seeker. 

Stroking together at Melbourne College for racial injustice

We urge you to read this next thrilling instalment with a sympathetic understanding of the weight borne by senior bureaucrats in government departments who deserve Prime Ministerial salaries because the work to ensure the status quo is maintained for those on Job Seeker. 

Ces was explaining to Quent, how the investments work, and how the money goes round to make even the most morally bankrupt kleptocrat look like a philanthropic LEGEND

‘Jeez beats working for a living’ Quent replied, aghast at the reach of Angus and his connections through the Cayman’s.

‘Yep’ affirmed Ces; ‘and on the parliamentary pension, you can index it against your investment portfolio and philanthropic trust and pay no tax’. 

‘Jeez he’s got it worked both way, how do you know all this’? 

Unis are based purely on the principle of MERIT!

‘Well it pays to be one jump ahead of the pack that’s how I got the tax concessions and leverage to run pcbycp. We allegedly give funding so that little indigenous kids can go to top schools like Scotch Grammar and Melbourne College, and then we get entitlement to talk with Twiggy and Gina on what Australia really needs. And it makes us look really good in making those kids from outback whiter than white, and get a job as a third tier underling with no real prospects of ever becoming “ establishment”  in one of the rich kids investment brokerage firms. It’s done for the betterment of all’.

‘Education, health, equity and the overarching principle of the benign and nurturing  Commonwealth’? 

‘What the fuck are you on about?, It’s about  money and wealth and prestige and standing? It’s like Uni Vice Chancellors. They don’t give a stuff about students, but if their salaries are questioned for doing nothing, they go APE SHIT’!

‘What about ordinary Australians’?

‘Fuck this tin-pot country! No, Im talkin bout standing where it counts! On the ski fields of ASPEN!. If you aint got a portfolio of stinking wealth at least a hundred mil, no one will even look at you, they wont even let you on the ski fields’. 

But, as the ex Adelaide V.C will tell you “keep your hands off the undergraduates. The optics are BAD”!

“Would they stop you at the gate,”? 

‘Jeez Quent you don’t know much about being successful, they wouldn’t let your helicopter land. No one DRIVES to Aspen’.

‘And you Ces, do you condone this sort of behaviour? Is it moral’? 

‘Christ Quent when were you born? Morality aint got nothing to do with it. It’s POWER! Ethics, morals, social responsibility, it’s all immaterial. We get the money, and in the end that’s all that counts’. 

‘But isn’t that cynical’? I suggested timidly (I was taken aback by Ces’s mercenary underside), 

Aspen and SUCCESS go Hand in Hand!

“WHAT’! Ces looked at me as if I was an alien, surprised, “and give the rest to China’?

You don’t even have to go to uni or be on staff to run the Institution.

‘But what’s fair, as a principle’?

Ces laughed, ‘in politics and in high finance nothing’s fair,  it’s what your entitled to as an instrument of power and that’s the  principle’, 

‘But that’s tantamount to graft and nepotism’?

‘Funny I just call it  ‘plain ol good luck’. And that’s how the meritocracy works. We work bloody hard, send our kids to the right schools, to make the right connections and expect a bit of gravy’

‘What’?

‘Cos you idiot, that’s how the world goes round’. 

‘Oh’! I had to admit, Ces had it taped, he was worldly that way. I had to admit, I’d lived an insular life and needed to get out more. 

But will we get out of this fix? Who is this mysterious M? Does he hold the key? And if he does, will it unlock the whole business and once and for all save us from the menacing, nefarious and rampaging nemesis of China? We’d got no further to uncovering the link with Angus, but with Ces’s inspired leadership we gained an insight into how the Minister for Energy ticked. And it was more a tok tik than a tik tok, that alone was reassuring. At the very least in screwing the Australian Taxpayer he was putting us ahead of China. That was deeply reassuring. 

Angus and his family, water futures in Aspen look good

Stay tuned to your next episode. 

The politics of Envy, why can’t a mate make a bit of cash through MERIT?

‘The Great Caterwaul of China’, or, ‘Maos littler little red-book carpet ride’. 

Dear reader, we pick up where we left off, and whichever way we looked at it we were in DEEP TROUBLE! 

Nothing to see here

Our intrepid heroes had just received a usb from Jamie Packer, who told us we were in deep shit. ‘If that aint the pot calling the kettle black’, said Ces, read on….

Nothing to see here either

Still, we still had the USB, perhaps that would unlock the secret of Australia’s fraught relationship with China, and put a light on Angus? In a flash, Ces had the usb into the computer and we waited, there was a pause, and before we could say ‘Belt and Road’, the screen flickered, and there was the unmistakeable hammer and sickle and a bona fide communist party slogan all over the screen. ‘Death to US Imperialist paper tigers and their lap dog Australia” And in the top right corner the figure of Xi, and then below it, in Chinese style, (as they do in country pubs with asian food on the menu) the words, “Glorious Angus Taylor make benefit fund’, and the picture of ol Angus, looking Prime Ministerial in a Mao suit and the caption ‘Chinas 1# friend in Australia’. We scrolled down and looked at all these projects the Chinese had a stake with Angus in. The entire Murray Darling basin, had been mapped out to reveal what Angus had to gain from diverting rivers of gold through tapping into the resource rich conduit of public funding. We had to hand it to him, Angus was getting funding for water sourced in the one to one hundred years flood, and he even had a contingency for the entire artesian basin converted to bit-coin via the Cayman’s into Yuan. “Even where there aint water’, said Ces, “he’s making an income from RIVERS OF GOLD’!

Road infrastructure, rail infrastructure, university enrolments and visas,  telecommunications in and out of Sydney Council, freeway investment, airports and the entire health infrastructure. In big dots over the map of Australia all the principle ports were marked with a gold star, and  ‘look at this?’ Ces cried, ‘he’s working on national parks and cutting green tape’, and it was true, Angus had ear-marked our natural assets via handing over federal responsibility to the states, national parks to investment hubs, and state controlled fishing industries to Chinese state run enterprises. ‘Jeez I wonder if ol Angus is behind the new fishing hub in the Torres Strait’? And sure enough in Chinese text and below it (‘Jam- Land’) it proved not just fish but a much more comprehensive diversification  of Jam- land as a ‘fully autonomous state owned enterprise’ into wheat, barley abattoirs and wine. There wasn’t one item yet banned by China that wasn’t on his list.  ‘Fuck me’! Ces opined, ‘they’ve killed these industries so that Angus and Jam- land can clean up. No wonder they call him the Minister for Energy, he’s got the power’. 

Removing competition from Number 1# fishing fleet for new facility on PNG.

But disturbingly, we couldn’t work out how he funded all of it, the scale was immense.  The Murray Darling we understood was just a simple act of siphoning public funds and featherbedding. But how could he pay for all this?

The scale was incomprehensible, the audacity, the cheek, the chutzpah!. The next scrolling revealed it all a middle man intent on rewarding himself with most favoured citizen for ‘THE TAKE-OVER’.  

The take-over?

Yep, the money was on the takeover, and the mandarin behind it all, the ‘number one citizen of most reward” , who had recently only just days ago posted an informative and sympathetic argument of depression in the Peoples Daily. Was it Andrew Robb, former president of the Liberal party? He’d suffered depression after taking the 800 k job with landridge to sit in an office once a week for upwards of an entire hour? Or was it perhaps his right hand man? Tony Abbott might be in on it? If he’s doing to the U.K what he did to Australia? Ces scrolled, “Well I’ll be, that just about takes the cake’! For there in the small text  another reference to “M”. 

Port of Darwin receives valued infrastructure

“M accepts order of Mao in secret ceremony”

‘M performs led role in bold new interpretation of “My Favourite Concubine”

‘M lashes out at Imperialist lap-dog Austraia in scathing editorial for Global Times’

‘M, most ecxalted foreign citizen supports re- eduction of Uighurs and roasted coelocanth as new national dish’.

Whichever way we looked at it M had a big stake in China. He’d hitched his caravan to the belt and road.

Jam-Land marketing logo

‘This is it, all roads, even Angus’s road all lead to this bloke ‘M’.

Who was M? Was he the mastermind? Was he the man prepared to sell Australia to the evil communist over- lords for bitcoin and most favoured citizen status?

Frankston Marina gets Belt and Road Upgrade

If he had Angus in his pocket, he would STOP AT NOTHING! 

Whoever M was he was the KING- PIN. 

‘If we unlock this one, Angus’s parliamentary career is over, and he’ll be looking for a lobbying job faster than you can say ‘The Fixer”. Too right he’ll be on the board of baby milk powder producers and will have to earn his keep. Perhaps, even give us his Cayman island investments? Nup he wouldn’t do that, no-one else does, he just wont need to declare it, and he can go on getting funding for his Jam land the usual way, by lobbying, just do as Rupert does. You don’t even have to put your hand up and the P.M will ask you ‘How Much’? 

And of time, we had too little. 

Angus goes maiden speech in Parliament.

The takeover could already be happening, and who on earth was the mysterious M. 

We had no time, and of that little else…. The sand was running out, and the tide with it. 

Kororoit Creek gets makeover, (courtesy Belt and Road).

Will our intrepid heroes survive the evil M? Will they find themselves a bit of a bitcoin too far? Find out in our next instalment, “A bit of a Bind” or  “A Bound feet shuffle and a thousand small steps to China”. 

We picked up where we left off, Dan Tehan, our new Minister for foreign stuff chatting to Angus, and then a brief assignation with Angus’s bag-man ‘Jamie  (the Shreck) Packer’!

Jamie was dressing us down, if he moved any closer he’d have squashed us!

Even “the Colossus” was scared of Angus!

‘With China’? We trembled, cos Jamie, was towering over us. He was a fucking great COLOSSUS!

‘Nup, youse,

You’ve stuffed things up and made Angus really FUCKEN angry’!

‘What for’?

‘For interfering’. 

‘How’?

‘By sticking yer filthy necks where they don’t belong’

“US’?, We only did this cos we were asked to help the Minister’, 

‘Yeah, thats precisely what I mean’!

‘But he’s a Minister of the Crown’! ( Ces spelled out The Crown with gravitas, emphasising the God-given role of the Ministry as servants of Her Majesty the Queen in keeping us civilised and respectful to things higher than Sportsbet or 24/7 telly)

Proof. Money can make you MASSIVE!

‘Yeah’, Jamie flinched,  but not on Angus’s payroll’.

Gulp, you could hear a pin drop ,

Clearly Angus had more clout than the Chinese, 

‘But what about Andrew Robb, and Sam Dastyarii”, Joel Fitzgibbon, and whoever it was from whichever side of politics representing the Chinese Communist party who won the Chisholm electorate’?

‘Bullshit! Pawns! Nobody’s! Minnows!

Look take this’, he passed us the USB. And, whatever anyone says . You never saw me’!

And for emphasis he turned to us drawing his index finger across his throat; ‘You’ve SEEN NUFFINK’!

And in a flash he was off.

‘Whaddawe gonna do Ces?

Dunno lets get home…..

And home’? 

What was home? We felt like strangers in our own country. 

We’d nowhere left to run, clearly Angus had it all covered.

After a diet, Jamies physique was near perfect

‘Well…. So Jamie says’, Ces opined

‘Yeah, and you know what Jamie says’…. 

It was true, Jamie was unreliable, and post enquiry a little shabby, But if he was shabby, what did that make Angus? 

We daren’t think. To cross Angus would be a Juanita Nielsen short of the developer, and we didn’t fancy concrete shoes and a dip in the harbour. Rushing to catch the tram, we donned our face masks and settled in for the ride home. Ces busied himself with the form guide and ‘Best Bets’. In a pinch he’d pick a winner, that offered a ray of hope, but being a Sunday the TAB was closed and we were a week short of our next job-seeker payment . Still it could be worse.  WE could be the crew of a stranded coal tanker, a real estate agent selling blocks of flats off the plan to the Chinese market, or a Hong Kong Bookseller. “Whichever way we looked at it (arguably), we’re still the lucky country’! 

‘You betcha’! quipped Ces, “and the luckiest bastard amongst us would have to be Angus’. 

Could Michael Kroger save us?

But who was Angus really? All the leads seemed to lead in his direction and then just ‘Poof’, go nowhere or disappear. And even the wealthiest most influential people in the whole of Australia were scared of him. If only we could unlock these deep secrets, and find the clues that would unlock this stinking mess of political back-stabbing, intrigue and brinkmanship. ‘Perhaps Michael Kroger could help us’? suggested Ces.  “Nup. Too busy in stuffing the Liberal party, and besides Angus hates Victorians, that’s why he used taxpayer funds to buy the Murray Darling, so he can turn off the tap”. 

But perhaps luck was on our side. Pity, there was so little time to sort things out we mused, these were high stakes, Australia’s future was in the balance. As Ces put it phlegmatically, ‘you’d have better chance of picking the quaddy than being a jump ahead of ol Angus’!

But the question still remained, 

Who was Angus really?

Whatever Angus stood for, it was bound to be MURKY! And get us into DEEP TROUBLE!

Yes dear reader. Who is Angus we’d all like to know. I there a log Jam in jam-land that cold uncover his dealings? And just what river systems did he still have to acquire via his unlimited slush taxpayer funds to divert to the Caymans? All this was unclear, and by Jamie Packers brief appearance, we knew it was probably shabby, and could have all of us inside. 

‘Jam-land or no Jam-land whichever way his bread is buttered, we’re the proverbial margarine in the sandwich? Too right ejaculated Ces, and as Marlon famously said in ‘Last Tango’ there’s more ways to use margarine, than you’d ever imagine in the Gordon Bleu cookbook’. 

Whoever Gordon was. 

Who was Gordon? Why was he blue? Perhaps an accomplice of Angus’s? 

Stay tuned for our next thrilling instalment, 

Former Trade Minister and P.M demonstrates Gordon Blue’s menu in warding of Chinese influence at local take away.

‘A jam tin tossed’ or ‘Gordons Blues’

Our NEW Minister for CHINA, (foreign affairs) advocates as Marlon Brando did, BUTTER for tight diplomatic situations!

Dear reader as you may recall, our correspondents were in a terrible fix. China was rampaging across the planet, and Australia, vulnerable, insecure, paranoid and isolated, ( the four corners of the Australian psyche)  had been hit by baseless accusations about Australian troops doing terrible things. We knew they indulged in the odd hi-jinks, but to discredit the noble exploits of clean living Aussie soldiers trying to civilise barbaric, backward foreign countries was way beyond belief. We as yet had no answer to this attack against the spirit of Anzackery.

Dan, Christian and Scotty from Marketing, three blokes who understand MATESHIP!

Though we tried, it seemed that the excellent idea of appointing Prince Andrew as a go-between our fragment of the old White Empire and the evil, nefarious, corrupt agency of Chinese communism just wouldn’t work. In short we were stumped. The Minister had run outta ideas.  We had tried the think tank, the highest office in the land, her Majesty and even resorted to asking ASIO, M I 5 and the Signals Directorate and came up with nothing, 

With Prince Andrew scotched, we were stuffed. 

Till the phone rang. Clearly, the bloke on the other end had clout. The Ministers eyes lit up and he punched the air. The bloke on the other line, our saviour, was called ‘Angus’.

Who could this Angus be?

We were about to find out,   read on…

The Minister put the receiver down, “ You beauty! if anyone can do it ol Angus can”? 

Scotty from marketing finds the Aussie flag face mask more powerful than KRYPTONITE!

‘Angus who’? We asked timidly,

“Angus the Fangus, the Cayman Island Angus, the Angus who made the Murray Darling lucrative, the man of a thousand forged signatures, the nemesis of Clover the world over, the jam land maker’.

‘You mean’?, (we hesitated), ‘The Minster for Energy’?

‘Yep got it in one, the Minster for Energy, rorts and kickback. 

With Angus on side the Chinese are stuffed, 

Our MATE in the Cayman’s

No one can stop the power’, 

‘The power? Is Nev onto it also’?

‘Nup, Nev’s an amateur, we’re talking the power of Mateship. 

Separated at birth Dan Tehan and Dan Andrews.

It’s Aussies secret weapon. You think the communist party are bent, with the Power of mateship we can divert the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with our bare hands, and leap to the top of mighty piles of coal, and save us from the evils of unlimited cash, debt trap and short-termism’. 

‘But what you’ve just described is contemporary Australia’?

‘Yeah, but that’s OUR VERSION, no foreigner is gonna tell us what out version of Australia is, and that’s why Angus is THE MAN”. 

WE had our instructions, the park for the rendezvous was the forecourt of the Crown Casino. Angus was to give us the heads up, and with a bit of luck it would put China firmly on the back foot. 

We waited the next day, 2.00 pm. No sign of Angus, 

We waited another hour, still no sign of Angus, 

Till we noticed we were being watched by a fat bloke who looked decidedly seedy. He waddled over to us, he looked vaguely familiar, and as he pulled his shades off we knew, 

Our Defence Minister and the bloke from China, agree to clear-fell the trees depicted in the backdrop.

‘G’day’, (he whispered) ‘it’s me. Jamie’.

‘Jamie Pack’….. ‘Shhh, don’t let the cat outta the bag, Angus sent me’, 

‘He said we were to give you this, and you’ll get your Casino license back’. 

With a deft movement of the arm he pulled out a usb, it was painted gold.  On embossed lettering along the edge the words HIGH ROLLER LOUNGE”

‘Plug this into your computer, and await further instructions’, 

‘Why couldn’t  Angus do this’?, 

‘Shhh, RULE ONE! Never question Angus, he’s too important’.  And then confiding, just the way he did during the casino enquiry, he scratched his forehead and looked at us blankly

‘You’re lucky its me and not Angus’,

‘Why’s that’? 

‘Cos Angus is really really angry’. 

‘With China’? We trembled, cos Jamie, was towering over us. He was a fucking great COLOSSUS!

When Mateship FAILS!. About as happy as a stranded Bulk Coal Tanker.

‘Nup, youse,. 

Dear reader, we let up where we left off, with us caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Without Prince Andrew we were beyond the point of despair. Could things get any grimmer? Read on, and recognise the sacrifice that went into making this instalment palpable on We Chat, Weibo, Huawei, Twitter, Morse and cuneiform B.

Ces was agitated; ‘Does that also include the end of western hegemony’?

‘Does that include beyond Sports-bet and pay-day lending the coverage of the first test at the Adelaide Oval’? ( Ces was worried about the other foundation plank of Australian national character)

Prince Andrew. Grown men wince under his firm handshake

‘Fraid so’.

‘Well then Si, whichever way you look at it, if you can’t beat em join em’. 

The Minister became animated; ‘But by joining we’ll lose our identity, and just become prawns in an international intrigue. A Chinese government emboldened by supine acquiescence would stop at nothing. Importations of leaf blowers would cease. Bunnings would be devoid of product and two dollar shops across this land would close. Can you see the ramifications? Doctored photographs questioning the unassailable purity of Anzackery would be freely distributed bringing SHAME and RIDICULE to the core of our sense of self. We’d find ourselves at war with the image of ourselves, and subsequently begin to question the entire panoply of the white-bread processed sepulchre  of eternal Anzackery and the accepted version of Australian history as FACT’.

‘Could be worse’, Ces proffered, ‘we could be koalas in a climate denying Federal Government’.

‘You’ve gotta point there’.

Harry Morant, in whose name we celebrate a noble tradition.

‘But I have a funny feeling, (this was Ces at his most incisive), no matter how highly credentialed Prince Andrew is, I never thought he was the man for the job. If Prince Andrew is the MAIN GAME, the politburo have got it all over us. Was he ever a real solution? And was he EVER strong enough? And at the end of the day, does he really represent ‘US’?

‘I mean he’s got experience, and he’s popular amongst the highest of the high, but he’s susceptible to external influences. The Chinese have many way of inveigling the unwary. Look what happened to Andrew Robb. Lost his way entirely, but did a great deal on the port of Darwin. So it aint all bad, and from what we heard he was a shoe-in for the board of Crown. Yep, high end executives with principle are hard to find. 

And besides any further scandal that an evil power used to inveigle a high placed royal would further damage the image of royal family. They cannot afford to lose any more public recognition after Harry and Megan did a bunk. Though Prince Andrew has his hands over every sensitive issue, its not fair to put him in this invidious position. They might do a Mountbatten on him or even worse a Princess Di. They are ruthless! ‘What? the Queen and Phil’? 

Politburo training agents in semaphore to thwart ‘Five Eyes’.

‘No the politburo.  Under the Belt and Road.  They’ll stop at NOTHING’!

‘What are we gonna do ?

Who can make this evil go away, play dirty and take advantage of the situation how ever dire, and come up spotless, with their integrity intact’. ?

We’d reached a dead end. AGAIN.

The Minister was philosophically turning over the scenario in his head and talked aloud; ‘No solution, and no hope to stop the whole of western society and Australia from being taken over, and the risk that doctored photos of our glorious troops could sap the will of the Australian people to defend the beaches, the Vip lounges at airports and the bag-men who collect funds from Chinese Government officials to fund the major parties’.  

What we need is power. We need to reverse the influence, and send the virus and those who spread it into oblivion. We need the power of a hundred suns, or the world’s biggest coal fired power plant.

If only we had the power, the raw power, the source of energy. 

A man who could survive any scandal. 

A man who could twist any logic…. And prevail’… 

We were stumped, who could cross both sides of the fence, have impeccable credentials, but yet, remain, how to put it delicately… Dodgy?

Just then, the phone went. 

Dan uses his “little grey book” to communicate  directly with Beijing.

‘Should I pick it up’? Ces asked, ‘China could already have us bugged’. 

The Minister dryly remarked, ‘what’s the point’? Since Alexander left for the U.K posting, everything ‘s bugged’.

‘I dunno, could be the P.M, or perhaps the Palace’?

Ces picked it up

“er…… think tank’, he looked to us awkwardly. 

And then he smiled… 

“Who is it’?

Ces turned to us, beaming, ‘it’s our man of the hour, he’s answered the call , to save us all, and keep the reputation of HRH Prince Andrew intact. This bloke makes teflon look like sandpaper. Nothing sticks to him’. 

Who could it be? 

But it was answered for us. 

‘No worries Angus. In the park, outside the adventure playground’. 

Cheers

Who could be the all powerful individual who calls himself Angus and does not stick? Find out in our next non- adhesive episode,

” Is that a fortune cookie in your pocket” or “Peking duct with extra sauce’.

Truth? The Phoney wars first victim? But who’s gonna pick up the phoney?

We pick up where we left off with the Ministers cunning strategy of lacing infant formula with heroin, and the confidence that came with knowing that not only was HRH Prince Andrew on our side, but that he was going into bat. Whatever the Chinese hurled at us, we knew deep down, that we were safe. But still there were many shoals to encounter before our little gunboat could be in safe waters. 

But almost before we could relax, knowing that Empire V.2 would save us, the Minister was back on the line. ‘What is it’? we clamoured. ‘News aint good from the Palace. Since Prince Charles was infected with Covid, things have gone a bit potty’! 

‘The Prince has always been that way’ Ces reflected. 

‘Nup this is way more serious than his fairies in the bottom of the garden and reciting poetry to orchids in the greenhouse? 

TRUTH WARS? SAS Fridge magnets being trialled in Australian homes.

‘More potty than endless recitations of Goon Show scripts’? Ces enquired

‘He’s changed, and so has Boris, they’ve become ,in a word…. Chinese’!

‘Shit, this was worse than anything Arthur Caldwell ever encountered, how could this be’? 

‘Dunno, but listen to this’…

He patched us through to the palace, over the cracking ether we could hear music, the opening bars of another Chinese opera, “Drunken beauty”. 

Another Chinese opera, another secret code. This was evil, nefarious, and insidious, Chinese espionage at work masquerading as culture. And as Ces interjected, ‘you won’t find this on any telly channel, and there aint no adverts either’. 

This image was DOCTORED.

Scoundrels!

‘Yes’, the Minister had changed his tone, he was dead serious now.  ‘It’s taken root in the U.K. The Queen has already lost Prince Phillip and Charles to it, and the royal corgis were last seen hanging round the royal kitchens. But since last Saturday they’ve vanished. That happened about the same time the royal kitchen started serving traditional Chinese dishes. We all gulped, traditional was another code. Code for ” 24 secret herbs and spices, and traces of corgi’.

Members of the royals infected with corona have gone over to China since their recovery. 

Innovative Street tree planter design. Another victim of TRUTH WARS!

And this is the worst part, we steeled ourselves for the crushing blow. Ever since he came back from New York, Prince Andrew has simply dissappeared. No-one knows where he is, just vanished into thin air! You can forget about Prince Andrew saving us, we think, our intelligence sources believe he’s gone over to China. No one who wields absolute authority in the U.K is safe, and one by one, like dominoes (for added effect) THEY WILL FALL’!

‘And’, he paused for effect, ‘the PM’? We trembled. ‘Him too. He’s recovered, but he’s,  how should I put it? He’s changed. According to our insiders he’s the full bottle on Chinese Opera, wants to change the scheduling for the proms night. Scrap ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ for “ the Legend of the Red Lantern’, and ‘The Qing Ding Pearl”. And there’s more. We’re in the tail-end of the Brexit negotiations and Boris was in conference with Angela, Emanuel and whoever the bloke is who’s running Italy, they were about to agree on the Irish back door, and Boris started humming the ‘Revolution Opera”. The Europeans thought he was taking the piss, and then just to prove a point he started talking about the ‘five bad eyes’ and then turned off the chat room. It’s a bloody catastrophe. If the corona gets to our PM we’re buggered. Since Donald lost the election the White House aint answering the phone either. Last thing we heard Rupert has lost interest in the whole thing and he’s in Beijing working on how to monetise the handover, 

The handover?

TRUTH WARS. Another doctored image.(the doctor was on-hand to perform a head transplant)

Yep, the handover of all that’s left of western culture. 

What? Even the unassailable, sacred and profound worth of Anzackery as a symbol of enduring national purity that shall never ever be questioned whilst an eternal flame burns of natural gas, itself a symbol of post Covid fossil fuel recovery? 

Precisely!

We were yet no further from unlocking the embargo on barley, the boycott of wine, the crayfish crisis and the coal curtailment. And without Prince Andrew we felt DOOMED! All we had left was just a glimmer of  HOPE! What will happen in our next thrilling episode, 

China trains its batsmen in unorthodox fielding as it prepares its one day first eleven. A clear sign of INTENT to pursue GLOBAL DOMINATION and distort TRUTH to achieve the ultimate GOAL!

“Falun Gonged” or “Not so kind hearts and Corona- nets’.

By Royal decree, Prince Andrew sharing a joke about Uighurs in Concentration Camps. A proud creation of EMPIRE.

WE pick up where we left off with a succession of Andrews’ deemed inappropriate for the top job of helping Australia in its China crisis, till the Royal penny dropped. Prince Andrew had agreed, (by Royal decree) to help us out. As the Minister said;  ‘If the Prince can’t pull it off, no one can”!

The Minister could tell now that our high level expertise was coming into gear, (that is why we are respected as an-international policy think tank) and a solution could be found to this attempt by an “undisclosed power” to destroy the very foundations of our society. 

We illuminated the Minister from our perspective, 

HRH Prince Andrew and Xi applauding ” Tudgey” in his performance of “My Favourite Concubine’.

‘We understand Prince Andrew is a powerful individual respected by really significant people in business and human affairs, and the utilisation of small-goods, and sleep-overs as a lever in International global strategy but is he the best fit to solve the crayfish crisis, the wine embargo, the barley boycott and the coal crisis? I mean, begging your Royal pardon, but,  what experience has he got’?

We could hear the Minster breathing heavily. Clearly we’d hit a “Royal nerve”. ‘It’s not my choice, but I’ve been instructed to do this from the highest authority in-the land”. 

‘Jeez Si, The PM’s office? We interjected. 

“Nup’ much higher than that. From Her Majesty!!! (the Queen gets three exclamation marks).

HRH Prince Andrew and “some other bloke from the CCP” opening the Pizza Express Wuhan.

The Queen has signed the royal warrant to give Prince Andrew unlimited powers to act on Australia’s behalf. You see, no offence, though you have experience, you lack the royal connection.  We need you, but you alone just wont do. We need you to work with someone who is respected the world over, who can open doors, grease palms, and do whatever it takes to keep the integrity of Empire v. 2.0 intact’. 

‘Empire’! we scoffed. ‘Isn’t that laying it on a bit thick’? Ces was incredulous. ‘I mean since Singapore back in 42, the Empire’s a bit of a Norma Desmond short of the Sunset Boulevard’. 

‘Hah’!, the Minster retorted, ‘you just don’t get it! DO YOU’!

‘Get what’? We sneered. Although we were happy to receive unlimited Federal funds without tender as is common practice in dealing with the Feds, we didn’t like being patronised. The Minister was emphatic, and would not be deterred. ‘Haven’t you seen what’s happening? The evil foreign power has seeded Covid to destroy the west. And only the UK has the foresight to use Brexit as a chance to reunify the crimson thread and  prevail  with “Empire V 2”. 

HRH Prince Andrew, (like Donald), has a tendency to exaggerate.

‘That’s why Boris is so important TO OUR CAUSE and deliberately incomprehensible, it’s a smokescreen. The Chinese will never see through it, their poked eyes in the five eyes will be sad eyes and sore brown eyes all round’. 

The Minister had a point, in a flash we saw the way through. The dawning of a NEW EMPIRE was not gonna be a walk in the park!

‘Does that mean we can sail up the Yangtze and force Opium on em as we did on the days of yore’? piped Quent. “Love to but modern diplomacy has gotta be subtle, we’ve got a much bigger plan, or should I say a bigger wok to fry our fish in’. WE all had a laugh, the Minister was still in great form. 

Our plan is  to  put opium in powdered milk product, We’ll have a generation of kiddy smack addicts, that’ll learn em’. 

We noticed how the Minister began to speaking a crim argot, clearly this is what it took to deal with those who felt above international law, we had much to learn. 

Priority for top shelf infant formula to members of CCP. ‘Some infant formula is more equal than other infant formulas'(Mao).

HRH Prince Andrew and Princess Eugenie visit the Newcastle Coal processing plant after catastrophic Chinese embargo.

‘Yes, we’ve gotta help Britain in its hour of need, and this’ll indicate how severe the trouble really is. And by the way this is top secret. if you tell anyone about it we’ll have you inside before you can say “ Witness K’. 

We gulped, . Even if the plan was immoral, unethical and crook, we could still be jailed for life. ‘Ok Si, tell us more’?

There was more to follow, and it got worse. 

Australia’s Pan-Global strategy. Empire V.2 at work.

What will happen in our next Royally Righteous episode? Will the Prince have the choice of any fair maiden he chooses to consummate the deal with? Could she be an Australian, or perhaps even a Septic Tank, ( Yank) who’d moved to Australia?. Or will he go it alone? Could he boldly and bravely leave the comfort of his new York Sleep- over and the Pizza Express in Woking for this mission of high level tight rope walking? Stay tuned to; ‘a Prince in tights places’, or  ‘Tequila Sunrise or Tequila Mockingbird?”

Andrew Robb, our man in China.

Dear reader, we were in furious discussion with the Trade Minister Simon Birmingham on the state of affairs in China. Apart from his deep regret on not being able to make the postion pay as well as his predecessor, Andrew Robb, we were aware that we were just half- cooked prawns in a game of global power play. 

We continue where we left off. The Minister talking high level diplomacy over the phone’ 

“Yep, and now they’ve gone ape-shit on not letting em run our country. Apart from doing our citizens and mining execs in with subliminal messages. The Chinese Opera is just the start. They’re using Tik Tok, We chat and social media to infect the minds of Chinese Australians and unite them into a fifth column to destroy the evil power, and you know who they think the evil power is?  

“The Sri Lankan cricket team’? we expostulated 

‘The Yanks’?

‘The Russians’?

 ‘The Empire of Lord Rupert of Murdoch’? 

‘The Pakistan cricket team? the Liberal Party? The Greens? Daniel Andrews’?

‘Barnaby”

‘Nup, you’ll never guess it, not in a million years’.  We could tell he liked the Barnaby suggestion but he’d run out of patience, bit like China doing-in democracy protesters in Honkers.

 ‘Allright then, who’? 

‘This’ll come as a bit of shock, so I’ll tell you straight’!

“Worse than the defilement of V’C’s and the noble untouchable spirit of Anzackery as the foundation of the national ethos”? 

“Way worse, this goes to the core of our national values”.

We paused, waiting for the blow, we knew that from heron, our view of the world would be irrevocably changed. The Minister spoke slowly and with deliberation. 

“It’s the Queen’. (You could hear a tiara drop). This was worse than Harry and Meghan eschewing their sacred duty for a life of self-absorption and dull parties in Hollywood

‘The Queen? Why are they crook on the Queen? What’s the Queen done? She’s 97 and far from fit, and Phil is a breadcrumb short of the biscuit’. 

The Minister gathered himself and became Statesman-like. 

When Gun-boat diplomacy gave WIN-WIN Trade deals.

‘The Queen, I’ll have you know, in their eyes,  stands for the humiliation inflicted in the 1840’s. They’ve never forgiven the Empire for the Opium Wars. 

Ces responded with some sympathy, “We can understand the humiliation, but that was a long time ago”. The Minister replied tersely and with some fatigue redolent in his voice. ‘In the Middle Kingdom one hundred and eighty years is just the length of an episode of ‘The Kardashians’. It’s as though the insult of a free-trade deal that went too far was only yesterday’.

 ‘Then if they’re crook on the Queen why are they so crook on us’?

‘It’s simple’. He paused and we could hear him light up a Craven A before continuing with Churchillian effect,  the Trade Minister asked us to turn to the flag we had (‘our proud boys in Afghanistan”), with all the glorious victories  of Australian troops embroidered over the top of it and said; ‘see that bit in the top corner’? 

Prototype Australian Flag being road- tested, (behind Union Jack) during the Opium Wars.

 ‘Whilst we have that symbol, of our former empire on the corner of our flag, we’re the first plank in a policy to destroy the legacy of the old empire.  They’ve got it in for the old Empire. Tone told us, it’s an envy borne by our access to Rhodes scholarships, memberships to Lords (that is out of bounds to any CCP official cos they haven’t got the credentials of an old school tie)  and the sacred anointment by Her Majesty and the glory of winning VC’s for knocking off wops in foreign places.  They hate that. It gives us an unimpeachable position to be chosen by God to give  the gift of civilisation the world over.  And that’s why Boris is sending the Royal Navy to settle things in the Sth China Sea once and for all. Like it or not we’re the storm in the middle of the fifth eye’. 

‘Jeez Simon cant you get our Man in China to help us out? What’s Andrew up to’? (we were talking about Andrew Robb) the last Federal Minister who made a bucket outta trade. 

‘Andrew can’t do it’. Si was talking about the former Trade Minister. ‘His contract with Land-Bridge is up, he’s on a mere 700 k stipend to sit in his seat in an office somewhere and do nothing but help a few developers in planning decisions with Council. “Jeez,  like the other Andrew’? 

The other Andrew, our other man in China.

‘Yep, and he didn’t even have to pretend to be head of the AFL. Mind you, there is a silver lining, both of em have VIP passes for life to any Grand Final”. 

“And the test we asked”? 

‘Yep, only for the  Boxing Day test and Ashes series, that was a precondition’. They’d both clearly made deep sacrifices in the duty of public service.

‘Jeez Simon, which Andrew are you talking about then’? 

Im talking, (he paused for effect)  about his Royal Highness Prince Andrew? 

The real Andrew, anointed by GOD to serve the EMPIRE!

“Jeez, Prince Andrew” (we ghasped in reverence), is he the solution? 

Stay tuned to our next enthralling episode of high-stakes international diplomacy and compelling drama, in “Will the Coal tanker unload?” or….” Five eyes or brown Eyes? The choice is ours”

Birmingham to Beijing, “they won’t answer the Bloody phone”

Dear reader, in a second instalment in dealing with the ugly Canberra Beijing stoush, we pick up where we left off, the Pcbycp team being briefed by the Trade Minister on a cunning, evil, fiendish, nefarious plot of “foreign interference” to corrupt Australian values.

There was a pause, then we heard the sound of the famous Chinese opera: “Farewell my Concubine” we knew this because it was Tudgey’s favourite. After the opening few bars, Simon spoke again; ‘recognise it’? . “The Opera’? We said, ‘yep’, and Si whispered; ‘but didya hear the code’? 

‘What? Is there a hidden code’?

Yep they’re playing it in the lifts and foyers of CRA, Western Mining, Rio, and BHP. They have it on rotation in their boardroom. At Fortescue, its blaring on loudspeakers into the street and through the length and breadth of Perth. Its like COVID, once unleashed it’s unstoppable. All of a sudden Aussie citizens are waving red flags, quoting Mao, and talking about the “EVIL FIVE EYES”. I dunno how they do it, but its contagious and outta control. Even my kids are looking at me funny, and humming Bars from, ” The East is Red”. Last night they turned off the telly during the screening of ‘The Block’ to watch a live feed from the Party Congress and commentary for the politburo and the  ‘Peoples Daily’.

Infected Aussie primary school kids

‘Jeez’, our singular response was epithetic. We were stumped for words.

Simon was beside himself.

‘And its got worse, last night the kids switched off the coverage of the second test between Zimbabwe and Tanganyka to watch a ping-pong tournament from Shenzen’.

Clearly Simon Birmingham was in a bind, though the evil foreign power had found a way to infect us beyond the artifice of ” Cyber Crime”  we never expected the lengths they were prepared to go to subvert ‘Australian values’.

‘And what has it to do with our task in untying the Gordian knot, finding our way through the labyrinthine musings of the CCP, and the dilemma faced by the pillars of Australian industry, to dig shit up, and real estate’? we asked.

“IT HAS TO DO WITH EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR’!  They re not only infiltrating our real estate and mining industry execs through Chinese Opera Classics, the twin pillars of Australian society, but with the threat of pulling back on coal and real estate we might have to do something we’ve never ever done before ‘.

‘Tudgey’ performs ‘Farewell my Concubine’ to the Press gallery. (all the women in this image had ‘working with Tudgey clearance’)

‘What’s that Si’? we waited breathlessly for his answer.

‘That’s to THINK’, then followed silence. 

‘To think’? we asked

‘Yep to think.  To possess a national imagination, to demonstrate science, humanity and compassion as the singular unifying principles of a modern Australia rather than cronyism, vested interests, short termism, populism and the quick buck”. 

“That’ll never work Simon, just ask Barnaby”. 

‘Yep it’s abig ask. But this is bloody serious. If we don’t lift our game China has got us by the short and curlies’. 

Ces responded quick as a flash: ‘shouldn’t Barnaby be our man for the job? He’s got proven experience over a wide range of short and curlies, and if appointed can straighten out a wok-full of noodles faster than it takes to clear Tiananmen Square.  Only our boy from the bush has the capacity to do to the Chinese what he’s one for the Murray Darling”!. .

Simon demonstrates the words to ‘Advance Strayla’ to the press corps.

‘Isn’t it easier to just let em take over’?  (Quent quipped), at the very least the trams and (with emphasis) the trains will run on time’. 

‘I know, it means about thinking  about being clever, thinking about regarding innovation and technologies and enterprise rather than diggin shit up and flogging real state. This has ramifications for the soul of Australia. And I’ve gotta tell you the Property Council aint happy with office rentals.  They’re diving faster than the value of VC’s awarded in Afghanistan.  When he spoke of Straylia, we turned to our aussie flag on the wall, signed by all long serving members of the 2nd battalion SAS in Afghanistan, and we all solemnly intoned, “ Aussie heroes one and all”. 

‘And the worse of it, (the Minister continued) not just the ramifications of turning our universities into places of actual thinking and research, but to transform the political landscape and challenge, the short term xenophobic, jingoistic insularity that has characterised Australia since the Howard years’, 

‘The Five Eyes’, sort of a segment rather than a full round table.

‘No clean living Aussie would do that’….

What will happen next? Read our next excoriating episode Can Australia fend off the Foreign Interference, or capitulate?  find out in our next episode, “A fistful of Yuan”, or “Dr  Aziz’s, Casey’s cooked -book”