If you’re from the LNP or Minerals and Energy and you’re looking for funding, Nev ‘ll give you a hearty handshake and ‘GDAY’. New is always OPEN FOR BUSINESS for his MATES!!!

Advice for government staffers in approving Corona Commission funds. 

Once again, it is timely that we at pcbycp have been called to put a light on the vexed issue of awarding contracts. Some confusion has arisen on the appropriateness of funds transfer and awarding large government contracts without the normal tender requirements. We have been inundated with calls from various bureaucrats in minsteries confused as to how to allocate priority funding, and further complexities arising as to whether the funding is deemed worthy. 

If you’re from Science or Arts Nev will give you the cold shoulder, the raw prawn, and the brush-off!

Clearly there is a breakdown in the apparatus. With the  appointment of Nev as chair, it was assumed that all funding would seamlessly go to either mining or any other related fossil fuel industry. This was stipulated right at the begining when we drew up the first memorandum of understanding between ourselves and the Federal Government. 

Readers might like to know, (it always provides colour to a dull adminstrative process to add a personal perspective)

Nev, like his mates in mining and the Coalition HATE ARTY TYPES!

At the time we were delighted that the Morrison Government asked for our input, and in reflection it seems exctraordinary that as a consequence of our request to waiver 55.55 from our land tax because we require briquettes to heat our hot water. (We have a DUX Briquette hot water service purchased in the late fifties as a contingency against expensive gas and electric systems available at the time). The government was so kind to see that as small consumers of coal as our principal source of energy, we were worthy of a seat at the table.  We were delighted to be gven the time to chat with Nev, though he was busy on the phone with Gina and Twiggy in ensuring that all Commonwealth Covid funds were diverted to billionaires. Still, we felt valued as taxpayers and just ordinary citizens in that “Little us” were given a hearing. That’s how democracy works. Sometimes even the littlest prawns, (deliberate mis-spelling for dramatic emphasis) can be part of the lobbying process. It just proves you don’t have to be filthy-rich all the time to craft government policy. 

So we left the Commission and felt assured that like the Federal Governments Energy policy it would run seamlessly. 

Nev promised to smile for the pcbycp photographer. But on condition he could get to the priceless native mosaic with an axe and do a “Rio Tinto” to it.

Hence our shock when we’ve since been innundated with requests from Department heads to vet funding applications. 

And it BORES us to remind them of the simple process.  PLEAE READ CAREFULLY!

1 If the organisation is directly associated with current or ex-members of the Liberal party, Or National (COAL PARTY) their funding should be aproved forthwith.

2 If the applicant is allied to fossil fuels, mining or Murdoch, as in the Great Barrier Reef Foundation, they should be granted at the very least half a billion dollars for just being ‘good sports’. 

Nev’s over-reach moment. Just cos he was sending taxpayer funds to millionaires didn’t mean he was good enough to play in the Australia eleven. After negotiation via an impartial broker, (Rio-Tinto) Nev was tasked with hauling the drinks cart onto the field.

3 If the applicant is already stupendously wealthy, and a direct donor to the Liberal party, the Minerals and Energy Council or even Clive Palmer, their funding should be a given. 

4 If the applicant has no documentation, the tender is inadmissable, and the project unfathomable, and perhaps even an elaborate corporate fraud, their application should be approved forthwith, and the Directors of the scheme nominated for Orders of Australia for services to the handicapped, poor, or any other disdvantaged group deemed worthy of charity and unallocated funds, which may be ‘evarporated’ due to admistrative costs. 

Nev is passionate to have his new map of Australia with the FMG logo, become standard school issue.

5 Any allocation, that proposes allocation to original research, technology, science, the environment or humanities must be shelved and the applicant pursued for tax evasion, jay- walking, aboriginality or any other crime that may exclude them for the funding process. 

Nev poses with the ‘REAL LEADER’ of Australia.

We hope this advice is useful and regret that once again, the public at large and the bureaucracy iteslf don’t understand yet, how taxpayer funds are invested for the publics own good. And for their own good to withold the right to know how and why!

It’s unimportant, and NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!

With the threat of fiendish Chinese agents copying our Covid-Safe suits we trialled the COVID-1 under the pretence of diving equipment.

Avoiding social intercourse is problematic. 

For many of our readers, who are naturally inclined to be socially engaged, extroverted and flamboyant in hand gestures and deportment, social isolation has proved to be a challenge that few can withstand. Though we stay incubated in isolation, our natural tendency is to gravitate towards a queue. It’s human nature. A file of individuals waiting outside a soup kitchen, a wet market, centrelink, the coroners, a meth lab. We seek comfort by walking around and around a public place, just in the hope of bumping into somone and engaging in a simple, “have a nice day”.  In doing so, the temptation is nigh irresistable, to embrace a member of the public, just to demonstrate your solidarity with humanity in defeating this scourge, 

‘But we know that close contact is a precursor to a HORRIBLE DEATH!!!!

Dr Firmli-held (centre) receiving his AO for services to ‘Social Distancing’.

So please, take a few tips from our clinical psychologist, Dr Firmli-held Member in gaining an appreciation of what is permissible under the pall of ‘Corona-geddon’. 

Visiting aged care homes. 

“Corona Front- Line”. ANZACS holding the inmates in quarantine ‘FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!

Ask yourself why would you ever really want to visit an aged care home unless the person you are visiting has the prospect of bestowing a vast inheritance upon you? Aged care homes are filthy, run by the lowest common demominator of lower tier bureaucrat, designed for profit, and as mean as charity. The only reason why they exist is the public at large have no tolerance for oldies. They’re better dead. 

Playing chess, bridge, or any other “close proximity indoor game’.

Our second prototype Covid- Safe suit being adjusted by Miss Sproulle, our Office manager.

This can be done over the phone. ‘Knight black square, right one’, can be made without the risk of infection. Be careful in handling the chess pieces. Though it is not confirmed, black chess pieces are more liable to be corona virus active than simple white pieces. According to the eminent clinical epidemiologist Dr Hyrem Codpiece, the phenommena known in clinical circles as ‘Corona Nigrensis’ is unproven. But at this stage of the epidemic, via the power of anecdotal and uncoroborrated clinical trials, indications are to avoid people of colour, black lives matter marches, and individuals who live in high-rise Housing Commission flats. The same can be said for moving concrete or plaster cast aboriginal garden ornaments. Gloves should be worn, and if in doubt contact the “Stronger Futures Taskforce” and they’ll organise “an intevention”. 

Exercise extreme caution in handling the black chess-pieces.

Petanque, Lawn Bowls, Croquet, Pool and Snooker,

Avoid allowing balls to make contact

One must be very careful to ensure that the cue is dinsifected. Be careful of the black-balls. Uncoroborated evidence indicates darker-hued balls may be more likely to transmit the virus as evidenced in the Housing Commisson Flats lockdown. Though sightings of billiard tables in these confined spaces is unconfirmed, it is suggested that micro-sized billiard tables imported from China pose a heightened risk. The only way to check infected Chinese balls is to bang them together.This can be done either safely at home or in the corner of an average Housing Commission flat.  If they make a percussive ‘Tok-Tik’ sound they are deemed SAFE. If they make a ‘Tik-Tok’ sound thrown them away. They WILL BE INFECTED and will most likely KILL YOU!!

And don’t under any circumstances, (unless your hand is gloved), remove the ball from the pocket manually. Insertion of an unprotected hand into a pocket, (Pcbycp’s  “Safe Guide to Interaction with Catholic Clergy‘) indicates extreme caution must be exercised at all times. 

Our third prototype Covid Safe protective suit. Has been trialled successfully for indoor cricket and lawn bowls. Note innovative visor on rhs image, doubles for cricket stumps whilst providing full- face protection.

Indoor tennis, Cricket and Wrestling

Ensure that the court is clean, and the net hasn’t been touched by a community group, disadvantaged people, handicapped, mentally deranged or habitues of afore-mentioned high rise flats. Public tennis courts are off limits. Stay indoors and play from only an acreditated and outrageously expensive private tennis club. 

Eddie Charlton demonstrates flawless ‘Covid-Safe’ practise in management of the coloured balls.

Pilates. 

Pilates is ok provided you do it online and dvd. Esure that your pilates mat is sterilised, and engage an immunoligist to ensure that you are free of Pilates induced muscular spasms, which may make you more susceptible to corona. 

Public transport 

Not on. Engage a chauffeur

Running, jogging. 

Engage a personal trainer, get then to run for you, or for a small sum, purchase a whole tribe of native runners and get the tax benefit 22 A for charitable work. 

Food purchased from shops get your domestic staff to test it..

Dwarf Throwing. 

Demonstrated “Covid- Safe” technique for Dwarf Throwing.

Unless the dwarf, or troupe have Covid clearance, it is inadvisable to continue this practise unless in a Covid safe environment, a prison, or aged care facility, in which case a wider transmission is immaterial on a human scale with untold benefits for profit, turnover and shareholders. 

Simple things, banking, shopping etc…. 

Only go to shops that are ridiculously expensive, this will ensure a barrier between yourself and the great unwashed, they’re unwashed for a reason, they’re POOR.

Dont forget it. 

Poverty is a disease of the mind. It is infectuous, and must be avoided, 

There’s only one way to be safe. Live in a gated comunity. 

Avoid being social, Indulge in reality TV and Fox News. Get your food home-delivered, and have nothing to do with society. Only then can you demonstrate your credentials as a responsible and caring citizen. 

Lobby Lloyd, promoting hygienic practice in the management of coloured balls.

Zihlobo zeHalo

You may have heard of the piece of bacon and the sausage which were being heated on a fry pan.

“It’s getting hot” said the sausage. “Wow, a talking sausage!” responded the piece of bacon.

Some years ago at the BRDU (Bilingual Resources Development Unit) at Yuendumu School, one of the children’s books they translated into Warlpiri was ‘Naughty Little Elephant’.

Wendy was taking a reading class using that book.

“Yaka! Elephant Warlpiri ka wangka-mi!” (Wow! The elephant is talking Warlpiri!) exclaimed one of her pupils! “Junga mayi Nangala?” (is that true?) the little children wanted to know.

KwiPhondo LaseKapa sineendlove (In Cape Province we have elephants-Google translate-Xhosa)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lygqjOQI8A

Daluxolo Hoho- Hamba Nathi (Come with us)

Hlala ukhuselekile

Frank

Olivia and Errol between horses in “Charge of the Light Brigade”

Dear reader, we pause from the cut and thrust of social commentary to share with you the deep loss at Olivia de Havillands passing. ‘Olivia’? , you may say? Yes indeed, “Olivia’, we may say in return. 

Olivia de Havilland, a house-hold name, that’s not quite a house-hold name any more, but in our office, the walls are festooned with posters of Olivia. Festooned because she was a HOLLYWOOD LEGEND!!!!. 

It’s been said that she single-handedly broke the Hollywood monopoly on actors contracts, and freed successive generations so that they could negotiate an enterprise bargaining agreement with the likes of Harvey Weinstein.  If she hadn’t trod the boards NONE OF THIS WOULD’VE EVER HAPPENED!!

Errol and Olivia in “Captain BLOOD”, took on a HUGE RISK in introducing Cricket to the West Indies.

But as you may ask. ‘What did Olivia really stand for’? 

Well, if you listen, we’ll tell you 

Firstly, and this is the most important part, Olivia stood by ERROL!

If you say; ‘Who the eff was Errol’? We’ll send the full force of Fed Police onto you and bang you inside before you can say ‘Witness K’!

Saving England from Privatisation.

Errol was a Bloody LEGEND!

At one time the highest paid actor in Hollywood. And rightly so, cos he was a ratbag, a shagger a piss-pot and a druggie. He was also charismatic, devilishly handsome, possessed of wit, humour, intelligence and a capacity for self-destruction not seen since ‘Johnny’ married ‘Amber’.  and “if it was vice”, it had Errol in it. And if you don’t believe us, read his thoroughly readable, “ My Wicked Wicked Ways’. Before ‘fake news’ his story was pure FACT. And a template for aspiring actors the world over. 

But Errol and Olivia did more than this. 

Maid Marian and Sir Robin.

Their first great act in saving humanity from itself was when they defended the realm for King Richard as Robin of Locksley and Maid Marian. 

In 1143 they stood alone against the evil KING JOHN. Not the bloke who runs Nth Korea, That’s King ill (as in ‘I’m gonna be sick’) JOHNG.  And standing right beside King John, a man more cunning and more hell-bent on self-fulfillment  than Trump, Xi, Putin, the whole bloody lot of em, Sir Guy of Gisborne. More menacing than Lord Rupert of Murdoch and Saint Tone of Sanatamaria put together…..Errol and Olivia singlehandeldy put them to the scrap heap so that England could be free from tyranny until Boris corporatised what was left of the National Health. 

In “They Died with their Boots On”, Errol and Olivia as Mr and Mrs General George Custer defeated the injuns, so the west could be free for real state, venture capitalism and railroads. 

In “Charge of the Light Brigade”, Errol and Olivia gave the Russians a bloody nose, and if you saw the film you’d be convinced that we won that war also. 

On set

In “Captain Blood”, Errol and Olivia, defeated the scourge of nasty slave-owners to become nice slave-owners themselves and make the West Indies a truly great place for rum and cricket. 

In ‘Santa Fe Trail’, they helped Ronald Regan clear the west of injuns so that simple folk could get their necks truly reddened. They did all of this so that they could save us from ourselves…

And in the only film Errol and Olivia didn’t partner in; “Gone with the Wind”, Olivia stood alone as the true custodian of Southern honour. Yes indeed as the filthy yankees laid waste to the south and  besmirched southern honour, Olivia stood firm! And together with Leslie Howard showed the way to a bright and prosperous future of segregation, bigotry and provincialism.  Something that has inspired Queenslanders (a non-offical part of the South) FOR EVER!

Before Olivia changed Hollywood, contractural disputes could be dangerous.

So she’s Gorne. That’s the end of ‘ol Hollywood’. 

Roll on the Kardashians, 

Which leaves only one question….

Could she have been President? 

Recent events have proved what we alll thought. 

The jury was out, though we harboured deep suspicions. 

The determination from the law enforcement heroes who will save us from this scourge is conclusive. 

The biggest threat to us from this virus, this scourge, this pestilence is POOR PEOPLE!!!

Poor people in wheelchairs pose an EXISTENTIAL THREAT!

Whichever way you look at it, they have to be quarantined, and coralled. 

Quarantined with no notice FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!

They cannot be let loose on an economically comfortable and sinecured society. It’s true, they work in all the shitty jobs, that no one with the advantage of wealth through HARD WORK, would want. And because of this our hotels, our old age homes, supermarkets, and HOUSING COMMISSION FLATS are INFECTED!

How do we cope with this scourge in our midst? How do we exist knowing that in spite of all the thorough and reasonable precautions a poor (and possibly one ineligible for a walk-on-role in ‘Neighbours’) person is still going to get in through the  net and infect us!

Clean-living Aussies imploring us to be on the lookout for poor foreign people who choose to INFECT US with this PLAGUE!!

We cannot have a society on which there are poor people who pose an existential threat to HUMANITY. We should DEMONSTRATE  ZERO tolerance for poor people within our wealthy and HARD WORKING society! We cannot stand for this! These poor people live in ghettoes and the police and army have every right to treat them like UIGHURS! To establish a humanitarian concentration camp is the only acceptable policy. Because these poor people, isolated, vulnerable, and forced through their laziness to perform the lowerst menial jobs must be contained, cordoned and controlled. 

Controlled and imprisoned for their own good! 

But all of this is immaterial. It poses one fundamental question that must be ANSWERED!

What inspriation can we find to solve this problem?

LOCK EM UP!

There is a solution. It has been TRIED and TESTED, and proven to WORK!

The Howard government intervention. It worked in subjugating the poorest amongst us. Villifying them, and ensuring by the weight of the army and the law, that they should know that to question authority was beyond the Pale!!

And by all reports it worked. Aboriginal Australians have learnt through a massive increase in funding to police and corrective services that even jay-walking promises them INCARCERATION!

INCARCERATION for THEIR OWN GOOD!!

So that’s what we MUST do to save ourselves from this scourge of foreign, and poor lower tier workers. 

They work in meat works. That’s a fact. Build dormitories and make them work, eat sleep on site, inside a cordon. For their OWN GOOD. 

it worked to control VICE, CRIME and EVIL during the INTERVENTION!!

N.T. POLICE. Assault Rifles are NEEDED NOW!

Do not stop in rolling out the army, special forces, even might we suggest members of the SAS to ensure that even walking down the street to get a falafael, a prayer mat, or whatever other manifestation of their sordid culture we equate with their lowliness and ‘foreign-ness’ will be PUNISHED!

Only through fear as in the intervention will THEY understand that this virus is BECAUSE OF THEM!

If a few very wealthy priveleged white people returned from their ski lodge from Aspen, they did it knowing that they would only mix in ‘nice’ circles and the virus would be contained amongst upstanding people, 

This latest outburst is a threat to everything we stand for, 

WE MUST STAND FIRM!

VIC POLICE trial new Public Response Community Liaison Uniform.

WE must not think of a more equitable society on which low-paid workers are stuck in poverty, because we know that the ‘trickle down effect’ will give them SALVATION!

Complacency is DEATH!

We at pcbycp have been hit savagely by the “Corona-Crisis”. As an index of how our bottom line has been affected, consider some of the contingency steps we’ve taken to keep the office functioning. 

We’re onto a one bag per day roster. One tea-bag per person and only a new bag submitted at the start of business the next day.

The toilet paper contingency. We’ve banned use of toilet paper in preference to the bucket and mop cleansing regime. 

No biscuits at morning tea. Biscuits have been replaced by rusks and failed experiments with home baking. 

Tie-ins with the AWM and Disney would be a boon for tourists

It is hoped that this will reflect responsibiity and collective action triumphing over RAW FEAR. 

However it reminds us of the noble sacrifice made by illustrious ANZACS in holding aloft the banner of liberty against those who would shut civilisaton down and make it a swear word. To any clean living Aussie, this crisis makes all of us reflective on how lucky we are to have been served by noble sons of Anzac, in keeping civilisation’s flame aloft in remote places like Syria and Afghanistan. Places unanointed by supermarket shopping, pay-day lending and Sports-bet. Because of this we applaud the Federal Government’s decision to spend 500 million on further improvements to the Australian War Memorial. This is a high point in the history wars. 

We’d like to take this oportunity to suggest further refinements to the proposed upgrade. 

North West Frontier-Land or Khartoum-Land, stirring tales of Derring Do brought to life!!

Disney could make wonderful bronze statues of Anzacs with favoured Disney Characters to make ANZAC relevant to kiddies.

Is it possible for the government and the fine board in which Tony Abbott has recently been installed to seek a franchise arrangement with Disneyland? 

This would be a boon for value-adding current exhibits. Disney are experts in virtual reality and public entertainment that is wholesome. Get rid of all the stodgy old classic displays and allow the public to experience what it’s really like to be a noble bronzed ANZAC warror, selflessly making the world a better place. 

Khyber-Land.   Khyber-land and North- West Frontier land, would offer the options of a comtemporary war experience or an old style set-to with fuzzy wuzzies or mad mullahs. 

In Khyber-Land the public will have a choice of weapons to kill villagers with.

In Khyber-land, the public could land right in the middle of enemy territory in Afghanistan, and from there, patrol an empty village, and have the opportunity to kill via machine, gun, grenade, mortar or rifle, little children, mums and dads. After cleansing the village they could then patrol the countryside and kill farmers and rice gatherers. They can call out “Can I waste this CxxT” and then without hesitation plug them with lead. Those who obtain the highest kills score can be awarded a virtual V.C, which would entitle them to lead Anzac Day marches, open up School Fetes and church gatherings with stirring tales of derring-do.

North-West-Frontier-land would consist of manning a machine-gun post in a spirited tale of Empire, and the object would be to mow down as many fuzzy wuzzies as possible .

Boer-land engages the public in rounding up ordinary people into concentration camps, and shooting anyone left on the veldt. 

There’s Nam-land, to fly a Huey and napalm villagers.

In Boer-Land, families will be placed in Concentration camps.  The public have a choice of Dysentry, Typhoid or Plague to kill internees with.

And Friendly-Fire-Land, in which participants virtually kill each other and then have a laugh afterwards over a beer. 

WE hope the board will recognise the massive cultural benefit the venue will achieve and all components will be WBS (worlds best standard). 

And in these Corona-benighted times it will establish community and the spirit of Anzac that is eternal, and unquestionable, 

Nam-Land, Adventure for the Whole family. Fly a Huey, (Choice of music), machine- gun, napalm or ‘Agent-Orange’ Villagers

As St Tone of Santamaria said, it shall be a “Suppository of Wisdom”. 

The Queen was in no mood to be trifled with.

Dear reader once again, may we apologise for this cheapened version of this series. Suffice to say with the ‘Corona-crisis’ it’s very hard to get good journalists these days.

We carry on, where we left off…..the pcbycp staff, caught in an embarrassing situation with The Clintons, Prince Andrew, Fergie and her Majesty the Queen….

The Queen held up a pile of letters, newspaper clippings and beneath it all a hastily written demand notice made  from cut-up news print. A plastic bag disgorged its contents, a pearl necklace, uncut gems and gold-leaf scrapings from the Crown itself. “ I’ll have that” and the Queen, stuffed the jewellery into her pockets, whilst reading the copious files that bulged from a battered OHMS envelope. 

‘See, she’s up to it again’! We glanced at the contents, ‘DEAR P.M, unless you cough up, we’ll spill the BEENS on your DIRTY TRICKS and who paid for your pre-selection”

The Royal trifle.

“Dear Mr Ex President. I know what YOUSE and Jeff really got up to in the Bahamas,  and that aint skin-diving either. I have all of Jeff’s photos. I even have the ones Jeff took of you in the Swiming pool with G, V, D, B, A, and R. Send in piles of 1 million each. CASH ONLY! BIG RED. 

We could tell by the spelling errors and gramatical imperfections that it could’ve only come from one hand. 

NOT AMUSED!

We knew in an inistant Fergie had been running an extortion ring. That was a given, but the next file threw us. In a special box marked, ‘MOST SECRET’, a bag of Bit-Coin, a phial marked, ‘Scripal’, another marked ‘Polonium’, and a poster of Vladimir Putin riding a goat, with an AK 47 on his shoulder. The photo was pock-marked with bullet holes and a love-heart scrawled in blood with the initials ’VLAD” !

‘THAT’S IT’!! The Queen, shovelled them all into her bag. ‘Tell M15 to clean up this mess, and have Fergie bought with the two Awstwalians to Balmoral by Friday’! 

Turning to us, 

“UNSEE THIS! And GET THE RIGHT ROYAL FUCK OUT!

WE bowed, ‘Yes yer Majesty’, and in a flash Her  Majesty turning to the Clintons, “Pathetic!  Go find a  boat to sail on WHITE-WATER somewhere!’ And then, she was off. 

One letter fell from her cache, we picked it up. It had a crest “Government House Canberra”. Perhaps this was our ticket to freedom? Inside,  a request from her son Prince Charles for a Governor General-ship to Australia. 

The first sentence revealed all; “Mumsy. That funny old man with the silly hat Mr Kerr promised”! 

Highly confidential!

WE all had a laugh. 

“As if”, Scoffed Ces, but was it fancy? The next sentence left no doubt to the depths of royal intrigue, ‘If I can jet Johnny to get rid of that awful socialist P.M I’d make a most Excellent GG, and besides Mumsy I know what makes them tick’?

‘Sounds more like a ticking Time-bomb’, sighed Ces, ‘what’s the date on that’?, 

“Nov 10th 75’, I forensically replied, 

‘But what’s this’? A note scrawled on the bottom right hand corner. It was dated 11 Nov 2019, “ just a reminder Mumsy I still want that job in Australia, with Harry causing such a ruckus, Camilla needs fresh pastures!” 

Instinctively we only knew one thing, faced with being stuck in room with the Clintons, we knew that in minutes we’d be up to our armpits in scandal. I surveyed the room. There in the corner of the hallway was a laundry shute. Using an idiom I knew the Cintons would not understand, I whispered to Ces, ‘Hey Ces, did I leave my copy of “A Town like Alice” in the hallway’? In an instant he knew I was talking ‘Neville Shute’ and winked. 

Fergie greed rapaciousness knew no bounds!

Buying time, I pointed to the light fixture on the balcony, “Is that real gold”?, The Clintons made a rush with screwdrivers, a jemmy and wire clippers. We raced for the shute, dove headfirst and slid down and down and down to land in the big laundry hopper, just as it was being unloaded by the house-boy Umbutu and his brother Umslopogaas. 

We’d like to tell you more, but Umbutu was well connected, got us in touch with the nice Chinese man who Ces sold his kidneys to when we were stuck in New Guinea when Prince Andrew was fiddling with the idea of a posting to one of his further flung colonies. And before you could say “Huwaei” and for the price of a guarantee that 5G would be fitted to our office typewriter with an unconditional guarantee of free servicing by a qualified tech expert we were given free passage out of Johannesberg. A narrow squeak, cos we felt there was gonna be trouble.  The hotel we were staying in was only a drop-punt from the old stack of tyres at the local tip. As Ces said; ‘A pearl necklace on Fergie was one thing but we don’t want the proverbial ‘necklacing’ to go much further’! We all had a laugh, you had to hand it to Fergie.

And so via circuitous adventure we made it back to pcbycp headquarters. 

Knowing in this escapade, that we’d lited the lid, and found it all rotten, rotten to the core.

Was this the state of leadership within our society we pondered? Could this get any worse? 

Nothing was beyond the Duchesses grasp.

An insistent knock broke us from our reverie, and in walked the nice Chinese man. Clearly our ordeal was not over…. yet.

Is this the end of the pcbycp’s current annus horribilis? 

Stay tuned for our next episode which could alteratively be called; 

‘Do we CC the GG’?  or “Huwei!…. and what for’?

Ministers of the Crown like Dressing UP!

Dear reader, sadly, there is yet another tabloid-ish episode in this drawn out pcbycp series. But in the spirit of lockdown, you know it will just go on and on and on. We are indebted to our friends from News Limited for allowing us to use the Royal Seal, the Royal Corgi, Duck and Tadpole to establish our bona fides as accredited Court Reporters.

the saga continues where we left off……

The Duchess walked out of the room, followed closely behind by The former Foreign Minster and the Poodle. We were alone……. with Dyse. 

Dyse fidgeted, and said; ‘Don’t think for a minute this is over, I haven’t finished with you yet! Once we get you back to Australia you’ll feel the FULL FORCE of the LAW!’. 

‘Wanna bet’? Ces challenged, and in a flash Dyse was bound and gagged with a copy of the ‘Law Review’ stuffed in his gob. “Quick’! Ces roared, ‘Lets outta here before they do a Ghislaine on us’!

Vice Regal’s are BIG on Medals and Dressing UP!

“But wait”; I said; “what about the keys’? 

“You’re right”, Ces flashed the Royal Keys. ’We can’t let this opportunity slip.  Lets blow the lid on this Royal intrigue once and for all. If we’re gonna go down, we’ll go down and bring the whole stinking edifice with us’. 

So along dimly lit corridors we made out way out of the basement, and up to the Penthouse suite. 

What a shock when we got there! 

Prince Andrew, caught red- handed! Rummaging, through the Duchesses drawers, ignoring us in his frantic search for something, “It must be here! It must it must, I know she’s got it somewhere’! And there in the back room, Bill and Hillary were going through the washing basket. The floor was littered with a debris trail of the Duchess  effects, tickets to Galah performances, betting slips, IOU’s, travellers cheques, charity invitiations, cheque book butts,  condoms (unused) . Ces confronted them, like Andrew, impervious to the new intruders, “What the fark are youse doing here’?

Vice-Regals Like POWER and POMP!

Hillary looked up, ’We’re getting evidence, if we’re going down we’ll take the whole stinking edifice with us’? The Prince, flabby-faced, implausibly, surprised us by giving a straight answer. “If I’m going down I too will take this stinking edifice down with the whole bloody lot’! And then sneering at Bill Clinton; ‘Because I find this whole affair, Unbecomming”!  Prince Andrew tried to look superior and searching for a reason why offered; ’It’s all down to myself, it’s a point of principle”! Ces staggered; ‘What the farck, so you’re all in on it’? 

‘Yep’! Bill replied testily; “In the end we’ve all been working for ….. THE FIRM”!! 

Vice-regals like a PUNT!

‘What a pickle’! Ces fumed; “So you’re all in on it”…., before he could finish, Clinton interrupted with “I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN’!

‘Steady on’,  Ces fumed, “If you’re talking Fergie, I’m next in line, and’ ,,, but before he could finish his jaw dropped. 

Before he could say; ‘Polish my Royal Jewels’ there was a loud cough, and who should walk in but Her Majesty the Queen. We all stood stock still. ’Yer Majesty’, we stuttered, ‘Mumsy’ Prince Andrew snivelled from behind the davenport. 

REGALS just like POWER, and they OWN the HORSES Vice Regals PUNT ON!!

“Shut up Andy, I’ll DEAL WITH YOU LATER’!

Is SHE here’? 

‘She’? Andrew flustered, 

‘Your slag of an ex wife’

‘OH Sarah! No!  Afraid not she’s last seen with the arms dealer and cross dressing Australian ex-Ministers’, 

‘Typical’! the Queen fumed, “SLUT”!

‘YOU’! She pointed to Ces, “You’ve got it”?

‘I want it NOW’!

A Valiant REGAL SEDAN!

“I beg your pardon your Royal Majesty,  What is it you want’? 

‘Dont come the in-bred Corgi with me. YOU know what I want. The Keys!”. 

Ces relieved it wasn’t the same thing Fergie wanted, replied cagily; ’The keys to this flat’? 

‘YES there are two KEYS’!  (commanded her Majesty)

“GIVE THEM TO ME’!

We had to hand it to the old girl, she had authority and knew how to use it, we watched the Clintons trying to back out of the room putting paper towels on their head in makeshift disguise. 

‘STAY’!  (they trembled) 

The keys were handed over on a hastilly improvised velvet cushion. 

‘Thankyou! You are DISMISSED’!

But we waited, entranced by the Royal retinue and the unanswered questions. 

What will the Queen find in Fergie’s Drawers?

The Queen walked across the room, to the desk, pulled out the key and unlocked the drawer. 

‘IT’S HERE! …..ALL OF IT’!!!

What is the Queen gonna do? Will Ces and his mates be out by Royal Command? What can possibly happen in the next policy-free episode? Stay tuned, for our next encounter, in “Andy’s gone to Caterwaul” ! or; “The Dyse is always LOADED’!

Dear reader, once again, we apologise for this tabloid-esque episode. Problem is, with Corona things are dire and those nice people from News Corp have made a  bargain we couldn’t refuse. “Say nice things about Dyse and his retinue,” and we’ll have our rent, electricity and telephone bills paid for a year.  Only problem was that all copy had to be vetted by the Catholic Boys Daily, (the Australian) and the IPA for bias, before being submitted. Sadly, this is the last of the un-vetted pieces. 

The saga continues; 

The Poodle was in great form pursuing justice for besieged white males!

We find ourselves in a pickle, with Ces running out of excuses, and ‘the Poodle’, excited due to the imminent arrival of ‘Skanky Shanks’. Read on.. 

By this stage Ces was twitcing, and Dyse, ever the opportunist, was gleefully rubbing his practised hands together. The Duchess, had laid out another line of coke, and then paused; “Anyone got a credit card? They’ve reposessed all of mine’, when Dyse nobly gave her his Barristers practising certificate. 

The Poodle was visibly excitied, so excited, he put the tiara back on and was busy applying rouge when the door thumped. We all stiffened in anticipation, and then, before out very eyes, a stilletto and a pair of fish-nets, waggled in front of us.  In an instant we all knew who ‘Skanky Shanks’, was. None other than our former Foreign Minister. 

He bounded into the room. “What have we here’?  

“Ooooo your Duchess’! He curtsied, and the fell over, clearly he’d been drinking. 

The Duchess had no interest other than the short priced favourite at Newmarket.

Fergie regained her composure; ’Oh Alex, your timing is perfect.  Lend me five hundred, I have a place on ‘Rogering Roger’ and ‘Come from Behind’ in the 3.30 at Newmarket’! 

“Yeth Mylady’, and instantaneouly, a credit card was expertly flicked into the Duchesses pudgy hands. The former Foreign Minster got to his feet, waivering unsteadilly, he muttered; ‘and what have we here.’? 

In seconds, like the classroom milk monitor, who wished to be the blackboard monitor the Poodle was into the fray. “OH Ally Wally, these wascals were gonna spill the beans on Prince Andrew, and the whole affair. I was just about to sign a Zyklon B  supply deal with the Russian government in their dealing with the Chechnyans, (one always keep excess stock after an embargo) , and these pipsqueaks, thought they could rain on my parade. Thank goodness I had Dyse here to throw the book at em, and we were just waiting for something to turn up before putting them on a plane, to a horrible place of retribution and incarceration”.  

Former Foreign Minister, the “Super- Bug Spreader” in saving the right of the right to be right.

“Guantanamo’? Downer proffered? 

“No, the ‘Ambassador’ in Melbourne, its full of Covid and nasty foreigners. They’ll die ignominously and without a fair hearing. It’s all ( scowling at us) THEY DESERVE! 

‘Ha Ha’, Downers face lit up; ‘a bit of a Witness K, that’ll teach them a damn good lesson’! 

‘Well then’, The former Foreign Minister adjsted his suspender belt; “Don’t let me stop you, l’ve just been having lunch with that nice president from Khazakstan, he say he may need Australian know-how in buggin the  Turkestan embassy. I said, we’ve got just the man for the job, and here I am’. 

‘A MAN’?, (Fergie suddenly lit up), ‘Where’s my man’?

But Ces fumed; ‘Haven’t you forgot about something’?, 

Dyse, pissed off he wasn’t invited to the Oxford Union Galah

“Did I hear someone speaking’? Alex enquired, feigning a cupped hand to the ear, 

At this the Poodle exploded in laughter, ‘OOOOH that’s DELICIOUS! Oh Ally, Do it again! Remember that night at the Oxford Union’? They both collapsed with laughter. Dyse wasn’t amused, clearly as an outsider to their inner circle he hadn’t scored an invite, 

‘I’m BORED’, the Duchess sighed. ‘Where’s the baccarat table? ‘Are you comming Alex, or do I have to stick it with him’? she gave a sneering glance at Dyse who seemed now he was denied giving retribution, was out of sorts

And turning to us, 

“Where’s my Man”?… 

Ces stood alone, a bulwark of stoicism aganst all this madness. “The man’?

‘Oh” ( In his best Ronald Coleman voice) “Oh dash it’! BLAST’! 

“The MAN is none other than myself your Highness” He bowed low, ( winking to us out of the corner of his eye) for effect.

Expecting a roal flush to the proffered scone Ces was flummoxed, when she curtly replied, ‘Here’s the key to my room, meet you in Fifteen’. 

The Former Foreign Minister champion of human rights for isolated white privileged women too.

In a second, Dyse, raised his arms, and said;’so no prosecution’?  The Duchess tunred to Dyse, ‘Piss off you snide little turd, it’s by Royal Decree. He at the very least is a man, you are…. You are…’,  looking to the Poodle and Alex, ‘are something completely different’!, 

They walked out, the case was closed, 

‘Quick Ces spluterred, before she changes her mind’! And in an instant we were off. 

What will happen in the next dicey episode? Will Ces and the pcbycp make clean their getaway? Or will royal protocal and the house of Windsor collapse upon them?

How will Ces and the pcbycp escape? Will they adopt a clever disguise and pretend to be just one of the boys?

Stay tuned to the next episode “ A Royal Galah” or “ Three Pillocks from Wisden” 

Our muse from the deep south, GT. (Close friends call him “Kenny’)

Good morn attendees, todays spirited poetry Sunday is sort of poetic and epithetic. It’s from our pcbycp composer, and musician, Dr. G.T Beauregarde.

Side view of GT.

As you  may remember, in order to assuage the loss felt by GT in losing his statue  in New Orleans (in the state of Louisiana) to the forces of devastating social and political change, he has returned to the keyboard. And in doing so penned this song, which we think describes the arrival of the First Fleet. There may have been other fleets , but as they were foreign, they are not applicable to school textbook syllabus. And we know via the Catholic Boys Daily (The Australian) that the First fleet brought with it the civilising influences of good governance, the rule of law… mining and real estate. We believe, (upon closer listening)  the ditty may have something to do with ‘Black Lives Matter’, or the new street art adjacent the Trump Tower, or perhaps Alexander Downers recent assistance to the people of East Timor in telecommunication and intra office listening devices. Sadly, it reminds us of the wicked infamy of Witness K who deserves to be punished for treason by blowing the whistle on his mates, who are only trying to help his other richer mates get richer still. It’s Un- Astraylan

Locals Celebrate GT’s work with colourful tribal flags

If you can tell us what the song is about, please send your answer via morse, telegraph or semaphore,  and we’ll send you the Corona-Survivors Kit, which consists of one half bottle of Green Ginger wine, (to be topped up with a cordial of your choice)  a packet of Senior Service Cigarettes and a betting slip.

Authorities Deemed GT’s Statue to be offensive, (‘Cruelty to equestrian bronze horse”) and had it removed in the “DEAD OF NIGHT”

So, sit back, have a listen, and hear GT’s perfect nuance and expressive syncopation between the third and minor chord in D flat. And if that doesn’t help, seek medical advice.