Donald points out to King whatisname; ” In America we only castrate drinkers who are black and on a Sunday’.

Good news that Donald Trump has made an historic visit to Saudi Arabia. Apart from the 110 billion in arms sales the Saudi’s know quite a bit about human rights. They’re a sophisticated society and Donald is quite right to spare the Saudi’s the ignominy of being isolated as a potential source of hardline terrorists. Admittedly the people who made 9/11 happened, were from Saudi Arabia. Osama Bin Laden was from Saudi Arabia. And that hardline brand of, fixated, sexually repressed, misogynist psycho-fundamentalist nut jobs invariably come from Saudi Arabia. There is one important distinction that separates them from other moderate, civilised muslim countries. It’s a pure distinction.

Vladimir demonstrates ‘small people communication device’.

The citizens from other countries banned from the U.S are not Nice. Whereas, King, (what’s his name?), is terribly nice. He knows how to look after a U.S President who’s in a bit of strife. They understand power. And they also understand the value of luxury cars, property portfolios and several submissive, (any number will do) wives. These fellows are well educated, like to dress up, and know the difference between a Dom Perignon 52 and a Bollinger 38. Though the Saudi’s don’t drink, (we hear the punishment these days is castration) they know the value of such things, in gold, oil, and human lives. Other more moderate muslim nations just don’t get that sort of thing. That’s the cachet Donald needs when he talks Turkey. Incidentally Turkey is also a supposedly a secular state that’s just beyond the pale. A good thing Mr Erdogan is taking it back to its Ottoman glory. That’s what Donald wants to do, take the USA back to its former glory. He’s fond of saying it, “Make America Grate again,” and right across the world, good folk are looking back, in order to move forward.

Anna Bligh. Awarded No 1# Prostitute award by Vladimir Putin.

Donald talked of building trust and understanding, and then followed his trip to Saudi Arabia with a visit to Israel. The Israelis’ also have an outstanding record on human rights, and they are incidentally hated by all their neighbours. Donald will find succour there, because he’s not generally liked by a lot of old fashioned democracies, including Russia. Vladimir knows about power, and the less invested in the ordinary people the better.

Walking tall with a President. Any one will do.

That’s what the Australian banks think also. They managed to encourage Anna Bligh to head up their banking lobby. Anna knows quite a bit about power, and how to sort things out for mates. That’s what the Queensland Government is trying to do for Mr Adani. In Queensland they understand Mateship and looking after people with power and influence. And to be quite frank, they’re way nicer than ordinary people. On this count Malcolm and Bill are in furious agreement. Same goes for paying a billion trillion dollars for obsolete defence materiel. It’s looking after mates. That’s why Donald is in Saudi Arabia, and why Malcolm, Tony or anyone, will go all out to sit with the President. It might be any President, a President, even of a banking lobby group. Cos when you sit next to a President the power rubs off. That’s important, makes you look big. Even John Howard looked Big next to Dubya. And it says something else. ‘Small people, LOOK OUT! I’m coming to get you’! And that’s reassuring. Shows that keeping the status quo is what makes the world go round. And makes America Grate… again.

HMAS Immoveable and Incapable being delivered to Australia. (moments before they broke down)

HMAS Incapable is the newest addition to the Australian navy’s fleet of Amphibious Assault vessels. Looking like a smaller version of a very expensive aircraft carrier it is docked at Garden Island undergoing an extensive refit. Its sister ship HMAS immoveable is also at Garden Island. According to the Defence Minister; “these very new ships offer Australia first class capability in providing logistics support in the event of war’. Asked what war seemed likely the Minister replied, ‘any small scale war in which we’re invited by our respected allies to give vital support. Provided it’s not a really big enemy such as China, Russia or even North Korea. They are way beyond our grasp and even if we were to get involved there’s not much difference our fleet would make in the greater scheme of things’.

Dockyard workers conscripted to; ” splash around a bit and make the thing go”.

We were reassured that the ships would be incredibly good at intercepting the odd refugee vessel and could provide instant on board screening and despatch to “anywhere else’. Each ship at fourteen trillion billion dollars; “is good value to the Australian taxpayer’.

‘We’re very pleased to see the Australian defence budget overall increase exponentially over the next few years’. Asked what impact the ships would have on power relationships in the Pacific sphere, the minister quipped. “ are you talking bout the  power we haven’t already sold at below cost to the japanese an any one else interested in getting reliable energy for nothing? These ships, maintain our core policy of ignoring the  taxpayer  in line with government policy, moving forward’.

RAN considering the very likey possibility of raising HMAS Australia as a cheaper mid term defence option.

“ The fact that the ships don’t work, or even go anywhere, cos the engines, and the twirly things that go round and push it through the water don’t function is just an indicator of how seriously we take our defence. Together with the incredibly expensive F35’s, that don’t fly in anything other than perfect weather, were sending a clear message to would be aggressors. Pick a nice day with cloudless skies and mill-pond calm seas, and you’ll get a bloody nose. Anything else and we’ll threaten to do horrible things to your industry’. Asked, what type of horrible thing? He replied; “like send Joe Hockey as an industry advisor, only took him two years and he closed manufacturing down. Don’t you tremble at the thought of what he could do on a broader global scale’?

Sailor inspects forward bidet on HMAS Merde.

‘These weapons represent the pinnacle of Australian forward strategic defence. And if that doesn’t work, we‘ll ask Donald to visit you, and you’ll have to buy an awful lot of really expensive military material that you don’t ever need. It’ll bankrupt you for generations. That’s the cost of being SAFE’.

The Minister then enthused about the first two submarines to be constructed as a joint venture with the French, Hmas Merde, and HMAS Toilette. ‘We can pretty much guarantee the same outcome. Submarines, that don’t work and will be hopelessly outdated, and cost trillions to manufacture. And beyond all that we’ve paid only a billion trillion for a highly developed French Border protection system’.

We wryly asked: ‘What is it called’?

The Minister beamed, “Maginot”.

“Every colonised people – in other words, every people in whose soul an inferiority complex has been created by the death and burial of its local cultural originality – finds itself face to face with the language of the civilising nation . . . ” Franz Fanon

Lionel Fogarty’s poetry is his response to this language genocide.  “He writes in a manner which is the response of an Aboriginal songman against the genocide inflicted on his language and the tyranny imposed on him by a foreign language”  Mudrooroo.

Bungoo Bungoo by Lionel G Fogarty

Models are not derived from books
Now this is untrue, got nowhere to go.
Give me money, so incidents may
come to life
I will masquerade as a poetic
deep and abiding in black oppression
Give me money, so I can travel over this
Give us money so we can see and hear.
Our Aboriginal human race
want bungoo . . .
Utilised how can I write
staying one place, at home
knowing i write for Australians
native and white.
Give me money for my works minds
Priced on lives
and dressed in peace
You will rip my justice apart
Con your promises
Brings us nothing.
When crippling writer write
you look to jump over them, hey
Poet haters told to shut us up
Poet, me lovers told to shut up
Me so low in money.
Ne we are forced into dumps
where money are nations.
Nations are turned to face
money.
But our struggle will bring life.
Help me rich
or give money
you money faced opposition.
I just want more to give more . . .
He is deprived of money
Will you give some paper junta
to help a poor father
with seven children
at home
writing about you and his people
Thanks for nulla, nulla . . .
Meaning in this is money.
Junga.

Lionel G. Fogarty from New and Selected Poems Munaldjali, Mutuerjaraera, Hyland House 1995

Today’s dispatch is  ‘Walpa’.  Originally dispatched on 22 April  2016

Ngurrju-mayi-nkili?

Walpa is the Warlpiri word for wind.

When we lived in Calgary, we became familiar with what they call ‘chinooks’. A chinook is a mass of warm air that descends at great speed down the slopes of the Rocky Mountains resulting in a rapid increase in temperature.

Reading Joseph Conrad’s ‘The Nigger of the Narcissus’ I learned about the ‘roaring forties’. Hobart-wardingki (a Warlpiri suffix which means ‘denizens’) know all about the roaring forties, as do New Zealanders.

One of the most engrossing Spanish language books I’ve read, is Carlos Zafón’s gothic tale ‘La sombra del viento’ (‘The shadow of the wind’). It features a book-lover’s ultimate ‘hook’- ‘El cementerio de los libros olvidados’ (‘The cemetery of forgotten books’)

When wardapi (goannas) hear the sound of the karapurda they wake up from their hibernation slumber. Wirlititi (Emu-chicks) break out of their eggs and wildflowers begin to blossom.

Karapurda is a warm westerly wind which signals the end of the cold season.

During hot weather wirnpirliyi commonly form. In Australian English they are known as willy-willies. These are vertical columns of air that kick up a lot of dust and create a strong whirlwind and are also known as ‘dust-devils’.

Windhoek is the Capital City of Namibia. In Dutch ‘windhoek’ means wind or windy corner.

It is said that “A picture is worth a thousand words”. The same can be said about song lyrics, many of which are rich veins of meaning. Meanings either intended by the composer, or divined by the listener, or both.

Maggie’s farm- Bob Dylan:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJxm58htzqc

…he hands you a nickel then he hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin, if you’re having a good time…
Then he fines you every time you slam the door….

Subterranean Homesick Blues- Bob Dylan:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGxjIBEZvx0

…Look out kid, it’s something you did,
God knows when but you doing it again…
…Walk on tiptoes… keep a clean nose…
You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows…

Some years ago two academics did a study on incarceration focusing on Yuendumu and Lajamanu. They concluded that fully 25% of Warlpiri people in gaol (or jail if you prefer) were there for victimless traffic offences such as unregistered vehicles and non-payment of fines (for slamming doors). Two days a month, court is held in Yuendumu. Fifty or so Yurntumu-wardingki  spend an average of a full day waiting their turn to appear. Never mind if they have a job to do.  If they’ve ducked away when their name is called, they are charged with “failing to appear” and an arrest warrant is issued.  They’re in trouble for being in trouble.  I recall one occasion when a group of men who had just finished a driving course went to apply for driving licenses at Yuendumu police station. They all got arrested and ferried to Alice Springs gaol. They had no ‘get out of jail’ cards, neither did they get to collect $200 when they went past ‘Go’ They had warrants out for them for something they did (God knows when).They soon learnt to know which way the wind blows. 

The authorities avoid words like gaol or prison. They euphemistically refer to ‘Justice’ and ‘Corrections’. ‘Corrections’ is a loaded word like ‘reform’. It implies that something is wrong and needs correcting…. Again- Maggie’s farm:

Well, I try my best to be just like I am,
But everybody wants you to be just like them

 Catch the wind- Donovan:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8hjEYTpwE8

The cold strong winds of change are blowing over the Warlpiri Nation.

Some Warlpiri are trying to catch the wind. Many have given up. They know which way the wind blows.

Blowing in the Wind- Bob Dylan:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwgrjjIMXA

How many years must some people exist,
before they’re allowed to be free?
How many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn’t see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
The answer is blowing in the wind.

Ngaka-na-nyara nyanyi,

Jungarrayi

Ken Henry V. Warns of a banking Tsunami much worse than BREXIT and the evils of ‘BANK HATE”!

There’s word around that the banks are thinking of going offshore. Described as a “Banking Tsunami”, the four major’s have declared ‘enough is enough’. They wont stand for a bullying government policy, and wont pay a cent more’. On hand to rescue the banks, Ken Henry, (now referred to as brave Ken Henry V) warned; “Australia will be lucky to enjoy one budget surplus over the current cycle, risking the need for dramatic austerity or tax rises in future”. And though we were not on hand to hear his full address to the BBSG, (the Beleagured Bank Support Group) who included amongst its members some of the most concerned members within Australia’s corporate community), he was heard to say;

“And that’s just the start! Once we pull the plug and go offshore you’ll all be completely fucked and you bought it on yourself by your evil high taxing policy of public BANK HATE’!

Ordinary mum and dad mortgage holders rally against populist “BANK HATE” stereotypes.

Asked where he’d go offshore, Ken Henry V retorted: ‘It’ll be like Brexit but ten trillion times worse, and speaking of trillions, that uninhabited island in the Pacific looks good. It’s got a trillion billion pieces of plastic, we can use that resource and convert it into bit-coin. From there we’ll up interest rates on mums and dad mortgage holders, and reduce rates on lending for overseas and any other investor. You’ll be completely fucked over, and well be up to our armpits in bitcoin plastic and laughing ourselves all the way to the Bank. Which incidentally in case you hadn’t forgotten WE OWN’!!

New Advertising campaign launched to demonstrate how Aussie banks nurture community prosperity.

And Ken Henry V (whilst convulsing with villainous laughter composed himself just long enough to take a few more delicate sips of absynthe composed himself to complete the last villainous fragment of his soliloquy). “ Yep, Mums and Dads. We’ve fucked em over on wage growth, fucked em over on housing affordability, and with the overseas investment tsunami we’ll create to punish their ungratefulness and BANK HATE, they’ll be lucky to buy a dog kennel in the Pilbara. And, (convulsing with laughter) Twiggy and Gina will be there to put a flat tax on their dog bowl. And when they come begging, (at this stage Ken Henry V was catatonic with laughter, whilst composing himself just long enough to roll a big fat joint from a real one hundred dollar bill) we’ll encourage em to come along for a bit of financial advice, and when they arrive, we’ll put the sign up on the door.

Another poorly paid salary worker fighting to defend banks against ‘BANK HATE’!

CLOSED’!

Ken Henry V wants a parliamentary enquiry into banking, and promised that the new levy will close business down. Even businesses that pay tax. ‘The 0.6% levy was the final straw, and though aussie banks guaranteed by the Australian taxpayer had a virtual monopoly, the BANK HATE meant only one thing. RETRIBUTION’.

Asked what that retribution would be? Ken Henry V quipped. “ Aha, our secret weapon, we nickname her the Black Death of public confidence, We’ll roll out Anna Bligh. And, (before having a seizure bought about by non-stop convulsive laughter) being an ex Labor pollie she will do you all over and say “ She Cares”.

And why? Because we CAN’!

And we can’t spell Royal Commission either.

AFL promotion of the ” Commissar” range of affordable Sino-Georgian Housing at Shangai Trade Fair. Courtesy Property Council of Australia.

Exciting news from the Aussie housing industry. In Shanghai the other day a magnificent display of aussie sportsmanship was put on display to promote the new ‘Commissar’ range of villas. In a special unveiling held at the National People’s Army shooting range the AFL Chief Executive Gillon Mclachlan was there to cut the ribbon.

“This is a red letter day for aussie sport and the Australian housing industry. And I’ve gotta tell you this fusion of Aussie Rules is just what the Communist party needs to turn its party members to nation building. For years we Australians have been on the bottom of the ladder as far as investment into R & D and technology. Since Joe Hockey killed off the car industry we’ve been going down down down.. Now with the “Commissar”, we can offer a whole new range of super executive villas right across Australia at knock down prices.

Corporate execs display mascot’s of two endangered species to rally support for Australian banks who are being asked by the Federal Goverment to contribute a further .065 of profits back to the public. ‘Un-Australian’

These villas are the very latest in Sino-Georgian Splendour. And there’s bad news for current owners of Sino Georgian mansions in Balwyn and Nth Balwyn. The “Nero”, the “Caligula”, and the innovative “Kleptocrat’ will soon be obsolete. They only take up 95% of the block. That’s just wasting under-utilised space. With the ‘Commissar’, the entire block and three levels of vacant air are completely filled to ensure comfort, security and plenty of work for the staff. And that’s just for starters, the features, are how shall I put it, even more “ featuristic”.

You’ve got a Palladian frontage, marble staircase and the very finest chandeliers, some of it imported from actual France. Inside it’s a butlers kitchen, fourteen bathrooms, luxury bedroom suites and a whole floor devoted to just one television. For too long party cadres have lived in humble abodes. It’s been for them an over long-march. This will not do. It’s put a huge burden on the Chinese people. Now that burden is lifted. And for malcontents, the facade is a perfect backdrop for any shooting party. For those occasional times when troublemakers get in the way of progress. I’m sure we could something like this for coal mine protestors and environmentalists in Australia, (Huge Laughter).

AFL Execs proudly display 4 million invested to provide a near empty stadium in a country of 1.4 billion people.

We’re delighted that Port Adelaide and the Gold Coast Suns could fly all the way to promote this flagship housing model, and rest assured each player will be given a replica brick from the Great Wall to demonstrate our commitment to providing incentive for highly skilled workers to jump on board the flagship of Australian Industry; Real Estate’.

Scene of overjoyed party members celebrating Port Adelaide’s historic win.

On hand the director of party propaganda and the secret police, praised the initiative, “Though no one here knows, understands or is even interested in the game, it’s exciting to see platinum class party members receiving free food and drink courtesy of the Australian Government. We’re very happy with the sound system which does a very good job with the synthetic crowd sounds. The cheering and chanting were very similar to those we employ at party meetings, and preferred party investor portfolio meetings with the down trodden minorities of Australia.

We are very glad with this initiative and trust that similar displays by the Australian cricket team will be a resounding success. It proves the reliability of the Australian housing market as a pillar of our two economies. To protect our market from non-party interlopers, the ordinary non-party people of Australia, and those not directly connected to the housing industry. And those persecuted minorities in Australia who must be freed’.

We asked the secret police chief who those minorities were, and suggested, indigenous australians, refugees, the mentally ill?

‘No’. He said. “Bankers”.

Today Pythagorus, or more accurately poems about the man and Pythagorean thought.

Pythagoras of Samos (b. about 570 – d. about 495 BC) was an Ionian Greek philosopher, mathematician, and founder of the religious movement called Pythagoreanism. Most of the information about Pythagoras was written down centuries after he lived, so very little reliable information is known about him. He was born on the island of Samos, and might have travelled widely in his youth, visiting Egypt and other places seeking knowledge. Around 530 BC, he moved to Croton, a Greek colony in southern Italy, and there set up a religious sect. His followers pursued the religious rites and practices developed by Pythagoras, and studied his philosophical theories. The society took an active role in the politics of Croton, but this eventually led to their downfall. The Pythagorean meeting-places were burned, and Pythagoras was forced to flee the city. He is said to have ended his days in Metapontum.

Pythagoras made influential contributions to philosophy and religious teaching in the late 6th century BC. He is often revered as a great mathematician, mystic and scientist, but he is best known for the Pythagorean theorem which bears his name. However, because legend and obfuscation cloud his work even more than that of the other pre-Socratic philosophers, one can give only a tentative account of his teachings, and some have questioned whether he contributed much to mathematics and natural philosophy. Many of the accomplishments credited to Pythagoras may actually have been accomplishments of his colleagues and successors. Whether or not his disciples believed that everything was related to mathematics and that numbers were the ultimate reality is unknown. It was said that he was the first man to call himself a philosopher, or lover of wisdom, and Pythagorean ideas exercised a marked influence on Plato, and through him, all of Western philosophy.

This dispatch arrived in our inbox late last night!

Hola,
Around 1970 we travelled from Calgary (Alberta, Canada) to San Francisco (and back).

At frequent intervals we were confronted by billboards advertising some tourist trap …. “As seen in Ripley’s Believe it or Not” was the come-on:

I don’t recall us cynical Australians having been persuaded to visit any of these not to be missed attractions.

Neither have we any regrets for having avoided these once in a lifetime opportunities, nor are Ripley’s sacred sites on our bucket list.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien – Edith Piaf   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRCYEkA0_q8

Ever since having been made aware of the Ripley’s sub-culture we have used Ripley’s as an adjective as in “that is very Ripley’s”

This youtube clip (“Warlpiri Counting”) is very Ripley’s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asM39tfblMQ

“Aren’t these Natives interesting and weird? Fancy they don’t have numbers!” (As seen in Ripley’s Believe it or Not)

A good way to guard against ethnocentricity (of which all humans are more or less guilty) is to turn things around 180 degrees.

Such as: “Aren’t these English speakers interesting and weird? Fancy they have no dual Personal Pronouns!” (as seen in Ripley’s Believe it or Not)

Much that is written and believed about Aboriginal Australia is very Ripley’s.

The Warlpiri Counting clip is at least 100% wrong. Jinta is one, Jirrama is two, and as far as I can tell always have been used forever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls68jEnN7Ik – Stevie Wonder – I believe (when I fall in love it will be forever)

A good friend of ours is the proud custodian of an approximately one metre long snake carved out of mulga wood. The grain of the wood follows the sinuous pattern of the snake along its entire length. A Warlpiri person wandering through mulga scrub recognised the snake- definitely a case of seeing the wood in the trees!

A wirliki is the Warpiri word for what is known in English as a “number seven boomerang”. Wirliki are far rarer than karli (hook-less boomerangs) because a requirement for a good boomerang is that the grain of the wood follows its shape. This requires someone to spot the wirliki and karli in the trees. Central Australian boomerangs weren’t designed to come back.

Anyone who has watched people play cards in Yuendumu is aware that generally speaking Warlpiri people are quite numerate (some extraordinarily so).

When so called bi-lingual education was introduced into Government schools in the Northern Territory (1974) a need arose to have Warlpiri words for numbers.

Thus arose:
Jinta, Jirrama, Marnkurrpa, Murntu (or Mirdi), Rdaka, Jika, Wirliki, Milpa, Narntirnki, Karlarla (one to ten).

The most obvious one being rdaka (hand) for number five. And so it came to pass that wirliki came to be used for the number seven.

Warlpiri people may not have had words for numbers but they certainly had a concept of number. Take the Pleiades, known as the Seven Sisters in English. The Warlpiri had (and have) the Napaljarri-warnu Jukurrpa sort of translated into English as “The Seven Sisters Dreaming”. In Warlpiri they also are sisters, as they are almost uncannily (believe it or not) in countless cultures. To the best of my knowledge they are invariable depicted by Warlpiri people as a cluster of seven stars, not eight, not nine but unerringly seven.

Painting by Alma Nungarrayi ( I suggest you Google ‘alma nungarrayi granites seven sisters dreaming’ Images- you’ll be astounded)

Nangala (who studied psychology) tells me that seven is generally the maximum number of objects humans can perceive at a glance and know how many there are without counting. She tells me that chickens are also limited to perceive seven objects at a glance. It has got me beat how they tested the chicken’s limits of perception. Just as well there aren’t eight Napaljarri, or the chickens might get lost.

The prime number seven crops up in countless ways:

Break a mirror, and you get seven years of bad luck…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQAbzLUl9ns Stevie Wonder ‘Superstition’

How many Wonders of the World did the Ancient Greeks have?… Seven

How many Deadly Sins are there?….. Seven

What causes the largest number of marriages to go pear shape?….The Seven year Itch.

And then there is the iconic Holywood film ‘The Magnificent Seven’ itself inspired by the Japanese film ‘Seven Samurai” (セブンサムライ)

Don’t know why, but somehow ‘The Magnificent Six’ or ‘The Magnificent Nine’ doesn’t have the same ring. Nor do the ‘Twenty-three Deadly Sins’

I could fill pages (and put everyone to sleep) on ‘seven’ related trivia but I won’t.

I shall confine myself to a 7-year political 180 degree turn around by one of my all-time favourite politicians, none other than Jenny Macklin. La Macklin, who caused the greatest damage to the social fabrics of Aboriginal Australia by anyone in recent memory.

In an ABC News article I learn that Centrelink’s cashless welfare card compulsorily rolled out in a trial to Ceduna (South Australia) and Western Australia’s East Kimberley, had about 1,850 people covered by the trial. The debit card provider Indue Ltd. Is being paid at least $7.9M (presumably annually)- a bargain I reckon. It is about the same amount as the Police Complex at Yuendumu cost- Seven million plus.

From the article: “Labour does not believe that the cashless debit card should be rolled out nationally,” Opposition social services spokeswoman Jenny Macklin said.

In 2010 (Seven years earlier) an article in the Australian included: “In November, Ms Macklin said she would extend across the nation an income-management scheme already operating in 73 indigenous communities in the Northern Territory….

….She said it was time for Opposition Leader Tony Abbott to state his position and help her make her plan law”

Once again I’m flummoxed- I offer no further comment, and will seek solace in some nice music….
If you ever change your mind……

The Animals- ‘Bringing it on home to me’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piwWpCSo0-0

Or if you can spare the time…
The Animals – Bring It On Home To Me (Live, 1983 reunion)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTef7TF5rHs

Or where it began….Sam Cooke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6azbeWRkhoE

Chau,
Frank

Though things are not looking good at Fairfax. We have been told that with the federal budget an allowance has been made to re-train a new category of unemployed, the ex-Fairfax journalist. This exciting initiative has been sponsored by Border Force and the Queensland Labor Party who are keen to get Fairfax journalists opportunities to provide positive stories on both Nauru and Manaus Island and the Adani Coal mine.

And singularly to assist the federal government in fighting the scourge of drug- affected dole recipients. Both Minister’s Dutton and Frydenberg were on hand to congratulate the board of Fairfax for allowing ex Fairfax employees this opportunity to boost their “ employability” by retraining them as waste water analysts.

Dole Bludgers. Righteous indignation.

In a budget paper lockdown the Treasurer Mr Morrison outlined his innovative plan; ‘Yes indeed these journalists used to cause us quite a bit of stick by looking into our affairs, and I can tell you it caused us some considerable discomfort. Often they would go beyond their journalistic briefs by looking into things such as the portfolio of investment properties and other colourful investment schemes. With the “You-poo” and the “My-wee” investigation we will enable these journalists to fully implement their investigative skills in tracking down drug affected dole bludgers. They have the capacity to transform the lives of the long term unemployed and get them off the scourge of drugs. And in doing so these bludgers will be punished, their access to unemployment benefits removed and their eligibility for training schemes curtailed. This will be a boon for the prisons and justice systems in every state of the commonwealth and ensure that our streets the only place left for these malcontents to roam. And in doing so we’ll bring the scourge of drugs out into the open.

This programme is a world first. For a start we shall be installing our analytical equipment only in very poor and disadvantaged areas. We acknowledged that there may be significant drug taking in the higher echelons of the judiciary, advertising, medical and stockbroking fraternities, but they are the right drugs, and as enablers allow them to perform their duties unaffected.

Toilets at Centrelink will be screened.

We have clear indicators that the Fairfax journalists will have the aptitude to test both the recipients of welfare for drug taking and un-Australian activity and isolate the source of affected waste water.

And this waste water can then be used to stimulate growth in some of the highly successful aquaculture schemes at work in Tasmania, where there is a significant correlation between unemployment and highly drug enhanced waste water. For aboriginal communities their basics card will be tongue activated, to ensure that only drug and alcohol free withdrawals can be made by tongues, and we’re trialling an electric shock component to stimulate an appropriate reaction.

By the year 2020 unemployment amongst the drug affected will cease. Ultimately this will have a significant impact on our triple bottom line. Thats a win win scenario. And it comes with the added bonus. It’ll boost our credit rating.

They’re happy staff at Fairfax. Employees discuss possible move to PCbyCP offices.

Dear reader these are interesting times. We feel it a duty of responsibility to our readership to assure them that there is no truth in the rumour that we have been approached by persons unknown to take on the task of rescuing Fairfax. We feel honoured that it has come to this. That we should be chosen as the most likely inheritor to a noble tradition of independent journalism stretching some 150 years. And, though we were tempted, seriously tempted, we felt that we were unable to do Fairfax justice,

Hotel Arlon. PCbyCP Policy and Discussion Papers crafted here. Courtesy Dept of Foreign Affairs and Trade.

You see it’s not that we wouldn’t like to take on the mantle of the Sydney Morning Herald or the Age. It’s just that we haven’t got the capacity. At them moment, since the departure of Mr Krinklade, (who you may remember had a seizure when we mentioned the upgrade to the printing presses) we couldn’t justify the extra staff numbers in the tea room, and the office break-out area. This matter was discussed at the higher level by Messers Cockburn and Poole in their annual peer review meeting held at the very sumptuous Hotel Adlon  (paid for by the department of foreign affairs and trade) for the odd well intentioned article in their excellent work in securing contracts for Australian businesses.

When supervising our offshore tax haven we quite like to dine at Maxim’s. No room for investigative journalism here also.

We also felt that our current arrangements, which include the enticing inducements of free tickets to both the footy and the cricket, courtesy of News Limited would be compromised if we went a litle too left leaning. And to top that off, Cecil didn’t quite like the idea of vacating his penthouse at No 1 Spring Street, where he is closer to the pulse. You see his apartment, which is quite sumptuous is provided by the Property Council as a gift for some of the more favourable articles we write about the growth and stunning potentialities of Sino- Georgian housing, and the potential to use homeless as mulching medium on large scale agricultural projects. Indeed we shall be devoting a full week to the exciting potential of opening up the north of Australia for residential housing sub divisions and the unlocked minerals and energy held in our National Parks. And we are entirely thankful for the Minerals and Energy Council in providing us funding so that we could write some excellent articles on removal of aboriginal out stations.

And that’s the point of this ownership issue. We are a progressive broadsheet, and canvas a broad spectrum of Australian local opinion. We couldn’t in all consciousness take on the burdensome task of rescuing Fairfax. We admit that the board of Fairfax have done their utmost to make their company a most desirable asset. But unfortunately we neither have the capacity and aknowledge that their future looks bleak as a consequence of their disinterest in more progressive business models.

Happy News Corp employees demonstrating new value for Fairfax Printing Presses as high rise models for proposed Nothern developments. C/O Sino-Georgian Developments Inc.

We wish them luck and know that with the acquisition of what’s left of Fairfax by an assets company, (TPG) they have every opportunity to ensure that there is a place for independent journalism in Australia.

As an offshore venture.