Sir Tony in a reflective mood.

Today we’re going to talk about the CEO of Australia Posts salary. But first a revealing story from Washington, bought to us by our esteemed correspondent Sir Tony Emo of Atney:

“Washington: President Donald Trump loves to set the day’s narrative at dawn, but the deeper story of his White House is best told at night. Aides confer in the dark because they cannot figure out how to operate the light switches in the Cabinet room. Visitors conclude their meetings and then wander around, testing doorknobs until finding one that leads to an exit. In a darkened, mostly empty West Wing, Trump’s provocative chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, finishes another 16-hour day planning new lines of attack…..”

Australia Post CEO is just not paid enough.

Jeannie Pratt angry that her invitation to Mr Fahours’ slumber party arrived late.

There’s been quite a lot of odium kicked up recently about the CEO of Australia Post getting over 5 million a year. Some people have suggested quite unfairly that his salary is way way way out of wack with the pathetic indices of Austria post efficiency. For example it takes sometimes up to three weeks to deliver a letter in Bendigo. In dem olden days it would be delivered by hand from a dray, or perhaps a beautiful PMG bicycle in one half a day. There were morning and afternoon deliveries, and everyone knew, whether it be call up notices or tax returns the friendly neighbourhood postie would be right on time and cheerily, (angry dogs notwithstanding) ensure that the post got through.

Australia Post trials new bicycle technology

Not these days, letters are gathered in Bendigo, then re-sorted in Melbourne, before they’re then re-sent to the main sorting repository in Dandenong. They’re then analysed and re-sorted before being sent to Albury and then from Albury re-sorted and redistributed to arrive smack back in the town they came from a few weeks earlier. Consequently no one uses the mail service. If you sent an invitation, for example you could guarantee that it would arrive days after the event, and as it has been proven so, everyone, from the city council to the local lions club, now eschew post tor email or what’s colloquially referred to as “Bush telegraph”. Now the telegraph hasn’t been in use properly since the siege of Mafeking, but we’d like to remind Australia Post if they should like to upgrade this old technology, the ancient posts are still there along the Melbourne Bendigo rail-line. And though the wires have been re-utilised by cocky farmers, the system is still virtually intact. Also the distance between Big Hill and Mt Alexander, then thru to Macedon is still ideal for heliograph, semaphore or as the natives were wont to use, smoke signals. Morse is still quite effective and native runners, though out of favour since settlement could still be found and would prove a boom to indigenous education and outsourced education providers.

These are just a few of the initiatives that we at pcbycp plan to put forward to Mr Fahour at the next annual meeting of Australia Post and anticipate with mailing times blowing our to pre-Euclidean times, we can have a big impact on Australia post strategic output ‘moving forward’ as they say in management speak.

Mr Fahour’s House. It’s native in design and equipped with dual semaphores and in house envelope lickers.

But we do know this much, Mr Fahour is fabulously wealthy and he gives half of the sum he earns to charity. And that, with the tax incentive is a good reason to give. Without the salary he’d be skint. So Mr Fahour if you’re listening, (it is alleged he licks over 3000 envelopes personally as an act of contrition) we hope you sort this out, and well keep you posted on future developments. Because at pcbycp we like to put our stamp on things.

Dear reader with the Trump ascendancy putting everything up in the air, (so the speak) we feel it is fitting to offer you this snippet from the past in which certainty was erased in the maelstrom of war. And what is described here is all true!!

We can only hope that we’ll be at war with someone real soon, as the entropy of worrying about humanity, the environment and reality television is just too much. And with a new broom in the White House there’s never been a better time to don the khaki and celebrate all the wars we’ve fought with our dear allies, or anyone willing to stand with us for the virtues of manifest destiny, Real Estate and Empire. And if you want to know more about the Empire ring 0300045671243, (toll free) and ask for Rupert.

Fockers over the Federal. Dry Saturday. Dec 25. 1917.

By 1917 things on the western front were in a complete stalemate. The central powers keen to make inroads on other fronts after the success in the Russian campaign and the treaty of Brest Litovsk sought to establish a diversion before the weight of America’s entry turned the tables against victory. After exhaustive research at High Command it was determined that amongst the allies a breakthrough could be made if morale could be sapped from the combatants host countries, and with the subsequent collapse of morale, the ardour for fighting would be reduced.

Wowserism driving recruitment to unprecedented numbers

Among the most enthusiastic combatants, who actually volunteered happily for slaughter, the Australians had made quite a mark. The German command were fascinated by their capacity to destroy themselves in useless engagements and were spell-bound by the Australian command’s subservience to the lowest tier of British Officer. Indeed in several instances German officers educated and trained In Oxford and Cambridge wandered into the Australian lines in disguise and ordered whole battalions over the top. To their surprise and without hesitation to a man they did. Flabbergasted by their willingness for immolation it was felt that the Australian solder, though possessed with fighting ardour and tenacity lacked a sense of personal safety and this was felt to be partly due to the acceptance of life on the front as worthwhile with its sideshows of free drinking and cheap wine, and other creature comforts, to the austerity bought about by six o clock closing back home.

Happy soldiers enjoy a Pilsener on the western front. Unfettered by six Oclock closing.

Success with the Irish had proved how important changes to drinking culture were to the civilians, and how this in turn effected the troops on the front. After considerable research the German High Command determined that a sub group in Victoria, the “wowser’ had instigated six oclock closing in a pathetic attempt to increase patriotic fervour. The opposite took place, which further accelerated the flow of volunteers for the front and the promise of access to virtually, “free grog”. The wowsers congregated in a temple of sorts, the Federal Coffee Palace, and it was from this building their tentacles of temperance spread across the land. To the Germans the process was simple, sever the octopus at the head, and the wowser hold on the public would collapse. Without wowsers and temperance, hotels would re-open and the willingness to venture to the western front would cease. And ultimately, the Australian, and perhaps the rest of the colonials would lose interest in fighting for Empire altogether.

On December 25 1917, Zeppelin L7, 89, 90 and 91 with heavy Albatross and Focker Escort wrought “Mass Destruction on the City of Melbourne’. Their strategic objective, to undermine the instigation of six oclock closing by destroying the Federal Coffee Palace. In what became known as ‘Dry Saturday’, the stately building was destroyed. What ensued was a catastrophe unparalleled since the ascension of Mathew Guy as Planning Minister. Though the Federal Coffee Palace was reduced to rubble, the early closing of pubs continued till 1965. Only the demise of all the wowsers through old age could change the regime and by then they’d passed the baton to a new generation of wowsers who succeeded in closing everything else.

Inaugural AFLW Match. Arguably, more turned up than Donald’s inauguration.

Hmmm, interesting times. In case you hadn’t noticed the Women’s inaugural footy match was an astounding success, and with God’s blessing Collingwood Lost…… again. And, a whole week has passed without a statement from Corey Bernardii. Trouble must be brewing. But in case you wondered The U.S has a new President and his henchmen, sounds like just the thing Corey needs to get his ultra conservative party up. And who better than a Bostonian to tell us just what its like in the U.S. And you can take it or leave it as it may not be, (to coin a favoured Bostonian Phrase) ‘your cup of tea’.

From Heather Richardson, professor of History at Boston College:

“I don’t like to talk about politics on Facebook, political history is my job, after all, and you are my friends, but there is an important non-partisan point to make today.
What Bannon is doing, most dramatically with last night’s ban on immigration from seven predominantly Muslim countries is creating what is known as a “shock event.”

‘The Don’, congratulates “the Bannon’, on their opening partnership.

Such an event is unexpected and confusing and throws a society into chaos. People scramble to react to the event, usually along some fault line that those responsible for the event can widen by claiming that they alone know how to restore order. When opponents speak out, the authors of the shock event call them enemies. As society reels and tempers run high, those responsible for the shock event perform a sleight of hand to achieve their real goal, a goal they know to be hugely unpopular, but from which everyone has been distracted as they fight over the initial event. There is no longer concerted opposition to the real goal; opposition divides along the partisan lines established by the shock event.
Last night’s Executive Order has all the hallmarks of a shock event. It was not reviewed by any governmental agencies or lawyers before it was released, and counterterrorism experts insist they did not ask for it. People charged with enforcing it got no instructions about how to do so. Courts immediately have declared parts of it unconstitutional, but border police in some airports are refusing to stop enforcing it.

Predictably, chaos has followed and tempers are hot. My point today is this: unless you are the person setting it up, it is in no one’s interest to play the shock event game. It is designed explicitly to divide people who might otherwise come together so they cannot stand against something its authors think they won’t like. I don’t know what Bannon is up to, although I have some guesses. I know Bannon’s ideas well, I am positive that there is not a single person whom I consider a friend on either side of the aisle, and my friends range pretty widely, who will benefit from whatever it is. If the shock event strategy works, though, many of you will blame each other, rather than Bannon, for the fallout. And the country will have been tricked into accepting their real goal. But because shock events destabilize a society, they can also be used positively. We do not have to respond along old fault lines. We could just as easily reorganize into a different pattern that threatens the people who sparked the event.

Happy Faces and Clean Guernseys, proof that ‘Cold Power’ beats ‘Slave Power’ everytime!

A successful shock event depends on speed and chaos because it requires knee-jerk reactions so that people divide along established lines. This, for example, is how Confederate leaders railroaded the initial southern states out of the Union.

If people realize they are being played, though, they can reach across old lines and reorganize to challenge the leaders who are pulling the strings. This was Lincoln’s strategy when he joined together Whigs, Democrats, Free-Soilers, anti-Nebraska voters, and nativists into the new Republican Party to stand against the Slave Power.

Prime Minister Lincoln, steps out of his Continental before declaring war on New Zealand. September 3 1939. source: Alternate Facts suppository.

Five years before, such a coalition would have been unimaginable. Members of those groups agreed on very little other than that they wanted all Americans to have equal economic opportunity. Once they began to work together to promote a fair economic system, though, they found much common ground. They ended up rededicating the nation to a ‘government of the people, by the people, and for the people.’ Confederate leaders and Lincoln both knew about the political potential of a shock event. As we are in the midst of one, it seems worth noting that Lincoln seemed to have the better idea about how to use it.”

He did indeed. We at Pcbycp can heartily concur, and demonstrate that we’re no slouch in the history department either. He, (Prime Minister Lincoln) drove a Lincoln Continental with Hydrostatic Fluid-drive and independent coaxial flange modulators on each wheel. And that why he was the greatest Prime Minister Australia ever had!!

I’ve just spent time in both Burma and India, so here are some of Adrian Mitchell’s New Elephant Poems

The Galactic Pachyderm
The elephant stands
among the stars
He jumps off
Neptune
bounces off
Mars
to adventures on
Venus
while his children
play
in the diamond jungles
of the
Milky Way

Tinkling the Ivories
There was an elephant
called Art Tatum
He played a piano
whose teeth were human teeth

Non-event
If an elephant could meet a whale
their understanding would be huge
and they would love one another for ever

Bring Your Own Tankard
How to get permanently drunk in the jungle!
One pint of elephant’s piss

Pride
The elephant
is not proud of being an elephant
So why are we ashamed?

Good Tastes
The vilest furniture in this land
is an elephant’s foot umbrella stand

Love Poem, Elephant Poem
Elephants are as amazing as love
but love is amazing as elephants
Love is amazing as elephants
but elephants are as amazing as love

Elephant Values
Nowhere in the world
is there an elephant bad enough
to make a career in advertising
or to play full-back for Leeds United

You Aren’t What you Eat
The elephant
who’s seldom flustered
despises calming food
like custard
Devouring curry
in a hurry
washed down with
a glass of mustard

Turn Turn Turn
There is a time for considering elephants
There is no time for not considering elephants

The infant elephant speaks:
I got a rusk
stuck on my tusk

From The Apeman Cometh, Adrian Mitchell. 1975

Hyvää huomenta ystäväni,

A long long time ago, we saw a cartoon which left a lasting impression on us-

A toad sitting on an umbrella shaped fungus, admonished another toad clambering onto another umbrella shaped fungus: “You can’t sit there Larry, that is a mushroom!”

If you are a toad, you are only meant to sit on toadstools.

Authorities are often said to treat us like mushrooms- they keep us in the dark, and feed us bullshit.

Before we set off on our yearly R&R, Yuendumu enjoyed a deluge. Some decades earlier a similar deluge caused a crop of edible mushrooms to pop up literally like mushrooms. We kardiya (non-Indigenous residents) feasted on this crop. Yapa would have nothing to do with the mushrooms… nyurnu-kujaku… “Lest they make us sick”, which yapa assumed the mushrooms would.

After the current deluge, I chanced upom a single lone mushroom. Nangala cooked and ate it. She tells me it was delicious, which she assumed it would be. I’m happy to report she is still with us.

My holiday reading included Bruce Pascoe’s ‘Dark Emu’- “…then all of us must be alert to that greatest of all limitations to wisdom:- The Assumption… “

It was assumptions such as “these half-caste children will have a better future if taken from their families” which led to what became known as the ‘Stolen Generation(s)’, and which prompted Kevin Rudd’s politically opportunistic apology.

Indigenous children in Australia continue to be removed from their families at a greater rate than ever. Similar ethnocentric assumptions are used to justify this.

Oh when will they ever learn?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgXNVA9ngx8

There is a pointy shaped fungus which grows in Central Australia (Nguyu-parnta). Yapa used this mushroom to blacken the faces of half-caste children to prevent them from being taken by patrol officers.

Just as the modern fishing industry has become more “efficient”, so has the child protection industry. And just as over-fishing has serious long term deleterious consequences, so have the “improved” nets and increased catch of child protection. No mere pointy shaped mushroom will stand in its way.

Four years ago I quoted from ‘Martin Fierro’  (a 19^th Century Argentine classic):

La ley es tela de araña
en mi inorancia lo explico
no la tema el hombre rico
nunca la tema el que mande
pues la rompe el bicho grande
y solo enrieda  a los chicos

The law is like a spider’s web,
In all humility I explain:
the rich man fears it not
neither he that is in command.
The large beetles break free
and only the small insects are ensnared

Nothing much has changed- if anything the assimilationists have further tightened their grip.

On the internet I found this definition of ‘Deficit Model’:-

“Research grounded in a deficit perspective blames victims of institutional oppression for their own victimization by referring to negative stereotypes and assumptions…”

It didn’t need rain in Yuendumu for a crop of signs to pop up like mushrooms. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1U9TwG-uiDY

Painted on old car bonnets in vivid colours, the signs say:

“Stop the Violence”

“No Excuse for Abuse”

“No Violence Against Anyone”

“No Violence be Happy”

… Happy Days are here again….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbevg8lxiE0

I’m not happy with these signs. What is wrong with the signs? You ask.

I assume that which prompted some people to produce and put up the signs is the implied assumption grounded on the deficit model and perpetuating the stereotype of Yuendumu as a violent place rife with abuse.

Assimilationists make ample use of assumptions grounded on the deficit model. They’re not shy of perpetuating stereotypes either.

The authorities treat Aborigines like toads. They do everything within their power…

…they’ve got all the power…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duV9lkmMTCc (Paul Butterfield Blues Band)

…to prevent toads from sitting on mushrooms and to force them to sit on toadstools, even if it may be possible toads have been sitting on mushrooms for over 40,000 years.

If you are a toad, you sit on mushrooms at your own peril. It can land you in prison or lead to having your child removed.

Kunnes seuraavan kerran,

Frank

PS- If you have the time, watch this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNXbwhW7NIg (Lucky Dube- Respect)

Assumptions, stereotypes and the removal of children are not confined to Aboriginal Australia.

Shocking! Earth sheds tears

Earth Tears. A continuous flow of warm, hot, emotional tears.

Dear reader, for long we’ve heard hypothesis after hypothesis as to whether the earth is in fact a living, thinking being. The foremost, the GAIA hypothesis is literally too monstrous to comprehend, and assumes that the anthropocene era is a just a blip in the evolutionary chart. indeed, so disturbing is the GAIA hypothesis that it has been declared “Untrue’ by Emeritus Professor Malcolm Roberts of the Flat Earth Polytechnic. He dismissed the claim as, “Poppycock’, We all know the earth is six thousand years old and coal incidentally is damn good for humanity’.

But we beg to differ. Startling images have arrived from Hawaii that prove once and for all that the earth is a living, breathing, sentient being and it’s “crying”. The first ever incidence of ‘Earth tears’ and not just a trickle but a great gushing cascade’.

Close up

“We have no been yet able to communicate with Earth at this stage’; claimed a spokesman from JPL laboratories in California, ‘and Its unheard of, but these truly are Earth-tears. Lava just doesn’t do that’! Senior research scientist, Will Full-bottle from the Scripps Oceanic Institute; “they clearly are tears, the rock crevice is in the shape of perfect test duct and there seems to be no other explanation for such an emphatic perfect stream of earth- tear”.

‘Sadly, world leaders choose to ignore crying earth and squabble about putting refugees anywhere else, global trade deals and the choice of colours for the Commonwealth games logo. Though the Commonwealth games logo is singular in its global importance, we hasten to add that the tears could be a precursor to something much more cathartic. Perhaps, and this is the guarded opinion of the last research scientist at the CSIRO, before taking up his Halliburton study tour of detention facilities, ‘the earth crying is unprecedented, and we should be thinking of the root cause’.

Earth as it was upon creation . Some six thousand years ago.

Spurned by his conjecture, we have consulted the worlds leading thinkers, and Professor Roots Causal, suggests; ‘they are a cumulative effect brought upon, by the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. It went to the ascension of Donald Trump. It’s called the ‘Trump-Singularity’. Shocked, we’ve seen the irrefutable truth, since inauguration seismic activity has gone off the scale, and all other indices are on target to suggest the earth, suffering alone and unregarded for countless aeons has had enough’.
“Nothing short of a complete physical breakdown’, suggested lead terrestrial psychologist, Wilbur Tremor-shake “ it’s unprecedented, and usually a period of prolonged emotional stress is followed by deep trauma. In a global sense this could be in the form of a seizure, reversal of magnetic polarity or in the worst case scenario a cessation of global movement. In simple terms the earth will cease to spin. And there’s nothing you can do about it. One side will permanently face the sun, the other will freeze to death’.
What can we do we asked?
‘There is only one thing you can do the expert answered. Hope the ‘Trump singularity’ will cease, and if that doesn’t work, talk to the earth.

If enough people believe in the earth, it may recover. But it needs to be convinced. It needs an individual of determination, intelligence and grit. Sadly, we have no one left in Australia, and our first choice had the opposite reaction, we had earthquakes all over the place’. Who was that we asked? ‘Oh your leader, Malcolm’. And why did it fail? Ooh he sold the earth to a higher bidder, most powerful man on earth to intercede. He is known as D.T and he (the D.T) deferred to a higher authority still’, Higher we asked? is that… God?.

‘No Rupert. He said he’d look into it make earth an offer. Earth would get a generous 1% share in his business empire. Why only 1%? ‘That’s the standard rate these days for the general public. Rupert was quite firm on that, and earth had no choice. And besides Rupert has more important things than an emotionally unstable earth to placate. And what could that be we asked? ‘His reputation’.

For what we asked?

‘As a world leader’.

Dear reader, another fragment from our glorious past, when courage was unquestioned and valour the very substance of what made this country tick.

(We advise though if you have a tick infestation see urgent medical advice. They are nasty little creatures and get under the skin, are difficult to remove and have been linked to Lime’s disease. Lime’s are good for you but over-consumption can lead to the uncommon condition Verdi- vulcanism, an explosive condition of the lower bowel. The symptoms are varied and treatment excruciatingly painful. But not so excruciating as this over-long and tedious description of this act of absolute stupidity. Only now can we bring you this ‘True Story’ as an alternate fact. For infinitely more implausible reading, and as a cure for insomnia we reccommend, Federal parliamentary Hansard.  Now for some light reading; 

Fairey’s over the Fish Market Oil on Canvas, signed 1940

Bischmarkt disguised as a JUNK. En route to Australia 1939.

In 1940, the ‘Fairey Battle’ was as yet untested as a fighter bomber and interceptor. Although rumours abounded that it was obsolete and no match for contemporary fighters it’s speed and relatively noiseless engine, (the earlier merlin Mk 11) led to the adoption of the moniker, “Stealth Fighter”. The RAAF ordered several hundred in late 1938, and the personnel at the Fisherman’s Bend assembly plant worked night and day in getting them ready in the event of war. During the assembly process some significant modifications were made to suit local conditions. The wireless communication was upgraded and the complicated larynx communication microphone ditched in favour of a speaking tube which ran the full length of the distinctive glasshouse canopy. Further improvements were made to the landing gear, the armament and the capacity to carry a greater payload. In March 1940, the Fairey’s, operating from Point Cook were engaged in anti submarine patrol work along the length of Bass Strait. Early signs of merchant raiders and anti commerce shipping seemed likely. Nicknamed the ‘Fairey fellows’, the pilots all wore a distinctive pink jumpsuit. It was felt that pink would be clearly recognised in the event of ditching, and the observer and gunner also complemented this attire with bright neon pink jumpsuit. Nicknamed the ‘flying pansies’, they were instantly recognised as fairey crew in the officers mess, and this saved precious time when alerted to patrol duty amongst the corps of other pilots.

Bischmarkt disguised as junk , ( HMVS Cerberus) on entry to Port Phillip Bay. Jan 1940.

In March 1940, the notorious german surface raider Bischmarkt was reported to be heading for southern waters. Leaving a trail of destruction not evidenced since the Shenandoah. The Bischmarkt had captured and sunk several dozen merchantmen, crippled an escort destroyer, and laid waste to the wireless stations at Cocos, Manaus and Nauru island, which were then being trialled as remote concentration camps for left handed jay-walkers. The Bischmarkt, could adopt a variety of disguises, and in one instance disguised itself as a hospital ship before anchoring off Rabaul in New Britain. The encounter, referred to historically as ‘Mad Monday’ resulted in the entire garrison of New Britain boarding the ship in search of care, comfort and repatriation, to which they were all captured. Not a shot being fired. In another instance, the Bischmarkt laid waste to the entire city of Brisbane and it was several months before anyone noticed.

On March 23rd, the Bischmarkt was reported to be sinking abalone and oyster smacks in the Flinders Island Group. Wasting no time the Fairey’s were despatched with torpedoes, to deal with enemy. After flying over the island group the pilot, Percy “Plunger” Postlethwaite, (late of Pulford), reported no sign of the Bischmarkt, and volunteered to return to base. The base radioed back, ‘at all costs you must destroy the Bischmarkt’. Misunderstanding the precise objective of the order, and confused by the echo effect of acoustics in the greenhouse canopy the pilot duly tuned northwards and an hour later the Fish Market was destroyed. The subsequent enquiry revealed the Bischmarkt had disguised itself as a kelp bed, and remained hidden till revealed by One Nation senator Malcolm Roberts in search of an intact eco system. Proof of the fallacy of climate-change. The voice pipe was deemed the culprit, and from thereon the Fairey’s and the “Pansies” who flew them were relegated to Back-room duties.

Commander of the Bischmarkt, Kapitan zur See Walther Linken-Klinken Pinkelwasser, in disguise as Josephine Baker. Naval and Military Ball. Melbourne 1940.

World Economics. As simple as “ABC”

An open letter to Michelle Guthrie

Dear Michelle, axing all those music programmes really did the trick. Consequently, we at pcbycp would like to apologise for the tone of the last piece on radio national as it was uncharitable.

reading from the ” Book of Murdoch”

The truth is, we thought you were trying to diminish the national broadcaster. WE were wrong.

We have a policy of never mentioning ratbags. As journalist, entertainment, and agitator none comes closer than Axxxxx Bxxx. he reads from “the Book of Murdoch’ and seeks to impoverish us. Why mention him then? And Axxx Jxxxx, the bleak shock jock from the near north is of the same cast. They offer a sort of aural pornography as ‘infotaintment’. Been doing it for years before Txxxx became president of the U.S. And way before anyone ever thought of the connection between ‘Alternate facts’ and George Orwell. That’s ‘info-tainment’. Titillating to some, but lowering the standard to a residual sub standard. They’re popular these days. That’s the essence of populism and provided they don’t challenge the conservatives politically, the coalition love em. That’s why we don’t want to talk about Dxxxxx Txxxx anymore. It’ boring. We know he’s a looney right wing ideologue who doesn’t care about much other than himself and his family. He just confirms what we already knew. That in our time, the apogee of the Anthropocene era, is marked by a hollowed out fundamentalism which makes the smallest of things very large indeed. And Mencken, who doesn’t quite get the coverage of Orwell nailed it. We’d never heard of Mencken until recently. Now he’s a sage who’s commentary on the great experiment of neo liberalism sings true. Not beer and circuses, reduced wages, the future, and everything, rings as he predicted, hollowed out and sadly true.

So, its with incredible relief to learn that the ABC under Michelle Guthrie is going stratospheric in its effort to make the ABC “NEW” again.

Just the other day it was remarked that those senior tiered abc executives who hadn’t jumped ship to the pubic galleries and museum sector were all Murdoch flunkies. Apparently the ABC is brim full of Murdoch’s. ‘A miasma of Murdoch’, collectively you might say. Consequently as we see the thinking identity of radio national diminished, and the aural side depleted with the loss of Lucky Oceans, who by definition had to go, ‘luck’ has nothing to do with it, and ‘oceans’ being a metaphorical shorthand for broad, expansive and infinite human potential was counter-cultural. Further evidence that Guthrie is on the ball. And what better evidence could you have now that PM and AM, have changed their jingle.

That’s it. Change and innovation. No longer the (very hard to type the musical nuance) ‘der da da da der da da da da’… but a much more explosive , percussive, deeply serious intro akin, to a morphing of the gun sequence of the 1812 overture, with Tannhauser, and a bit of “Funky town” thrown in. it’s for everything and evidence that in the senior management, the corridors are bringing full of thought bubbles, new ideas and innovation.

We’re hoping that the ABC national news may change it’s signature tune as evidence of further innovation and broadening the appeal of radio national to those normally tuned to Axxxx Bxxx and Axxx Jxxxx. We would like to suggest Liszt’s, funeral march or perhaps Mahler’s, kindertotenlieder, (songs for dead children) to truly reflect the narrowing of the national ethos as we succumb, willingly to fear, inwardness and the smallness of everything.

So it”s a hearty thanks to the ABC for reminding us, that we don’t need journalism. Science reporting is bunk, and ‘The Book of Murdoch’, is the song sheet from which all Australians must sing to ensure that we are Safe, and free from the taint of Imagination. ‘Our” ABC says it all , it’s text shorthand for ‘ON U Rupert’!!!

Matg Canavan M.P. The very best politician the coal lobby can buy.

Did you know dear reader that Australia’s answer to rising greenhouse gas emissions, (which some 98% of scientists, suggest is a consequence of burning fossil fuels and contributing to the greenhouse effect thus killing off life as we know it in the biosphere) is to build more coal fired power stations? And though the trajectory of renewables, seen the world over, (except in the U.S) as an inevitable and good thing to transform economies, save ecologies and make for a carbon neutral future seems inevitable, we are told that by increasing our use of coal, (the principal contributor to these gases) can only be a good thing.

Someone has crunched the numbers and determined that more coal burning power stations would be an absolute disaster and cost the tax payer some 60 and upward billions of dollars.. To go renewable would be way way cheaper and better for humanity in the long run. But the alternate facts, as proffered by Messrs, Frydenberg and Canavan, the best politicians the coal lobby can buy is to say; ‘burn more coal, and fuck humanity’.

That is an indisputable ‘alternate fact’.

Spose you can’t fool all the people all of the time.

Apparently, an ‘alternate fact’ runs counter to any logical process of evidence, empirical scientific investigation, knowledge, and scientific rationale. It runs counter to objective observation and any other metric you want to use to measure reality.

And that’s why we at pcbycp LOVE EM!!

We can’t get enough of ‘alternate facts’. Evolution is so boring. The cosmos is just too challenging and frightening. Much rather be reassured the ‘we’ are only 6000 years old, and dinosaurs stood hand in hand with Noah, when we were punished by a merciful god, who killed every living thing so that we may be given another opportunity to do it all over again. ‘Alternate facts’ hate women, they want to see them as chattels, and with just enough self determination to choose what type of clothing they wear (provided it’s modest and demure).

The scary reality of “alternate facts”

And the best thing about ‘alternate facts’, is they describe an alternate reality in which everybody is deeply conservative, consumed by fear, hates minorities and want to go to church on a regular basis to acquit the sin of hating everybody and pray for their souls as they rot on Manaus Island, Nauru, or anywhere.

We at pcbycp are an ‘alternate fact’. The fact that we exist at all is alternate.

And you, the reading public are alternate, and should acknowledge Matt and Josh, for allowing via Rupert, from the ‘book of Murdoch’, the ‘Grand Master of ‘alternate facts’ to reconstruct a happier healthier world, in which fear is beamed into our living rooms continuously and the smallness of everything is writ large.

Soon to be on the school syllabus all around Australia. Naplan Approved.

Some have decried ‘alternate facts’ as the descent into a ‘1984’, dystopia, but we disagree. The more ‘alternate facts’ we can believe, the happier we will all be. We’re looking forward to meeting Elvis, and we know the moon-landings were all faked, and 9/11, was put up by the CIA. The Great Barrier Reef is in great shape, and Donald had the biggest turnout ever for his inauguration. Good on Em. ‘Alternate Facts’ gave us the opportunity to anoint Iraq with civilisation and do the same for Afghanistan. It’s gratifying how those people have responded, to the guiding hand of enlightenment though sadly they are Muslim and will burn in hell. The more ‘alternate facts’, the more likely we are to be led, as we were in 1914 into a glorious war for ‘alternate fact’ Civilisation. Cept we wont be clamouring“ gallant little Belgium” we’ll be hip hip hooraying ‘Waltzing Matilda’ as another generation of Anzacs, the cleanest living, most noble people on earth do battle against the forces of evil to save us from the shackles of enslavement, or the thought, (woe betide), we ever, as a species think for ourselves.

Cecil, photographed prior to his ‘treatment’

Dear reader, Cecil sends us this fragment which indicates what he’s been up to. And the reading is very grim indeed. Now we’re not sure if the “Black hole of Calcutta’ is still an expression in common usage in India these days’. Since independence quite a few things have changed. For example, the trains are now pulled by diesels more often than steam trains, and it is alleged that the maharajah of Mysore has sold off all his Rolls Royces to pay for a health resort in which incredibly, people pay for the privelege of having themselves literally , “whipped into shape”. We gather that India still abounds in the surreal and unfathomable mysticism as described by Kipling and Newby, but shopping and ‘standardisation” is transforming the indian cities and turning them into places we would be familiar with. Dull places run by bankers, financiers and developers. Which is the tragedy of “standardisation” which we see before our very eyes as Melbourne transforms into “ Melba-pore”. A sort of hybrid city which bespeaks of anywhere and nothing. But in the country rituals still enforce a deep seated tradition of pain and suffering, and for the unwary, a lifetime of agony.

Read on.

The Maharajah of Mysore. Into health farms now. More lucrative than Tiger hunting and Rolls Royces.

‘Good morning, sir. It is time for you to be getting up.’ says the voice on the phone in that clipped Indian accent that only Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers seem to be able to replicate. 5 am. Bloody five am. I slide back in bed. The wife purrs. I think of Pussy Galore, lick my lips and reach out. Then I think of Donald Trump and that is the end of that.  Dressed in the regulation loose clothing, sandals, the wife and I sip green tea with a dash of lemon from tiny glasses, among the other mid early risers. The early risers have already gone to the hall to get the best matts and best positions for the 6 am yoga session. Bleary eyed we join them picking up our yoga mats and pillows as we go.

Cecil (front) and other Australians practising their Yoga routine post ” treatment’.

I look askance at the row upon row of yoga devotee, sitting cross legged on their mats, thumb and forefinger touching, the other three fingers straight out. There is complete silence and stillness. I try to move soundlessly and put my mat down.  The noise is loud, no one moves. I replicate the sitting positions of the experts, and think I blend in, despite my hair and fair complexion. Five seconds pass and I congratulate myself. Ten seconds and I’m still pretty pleased. Fifteen seconds and my left hip starts to grumble. In quick succession my right hip joins in. As does my knee, my other knee and my lower back.  I put my left leg out, I put my left leg in . . . I resist singing, as I doubt the appropriateness of the song that is in my mind. Just then a deeper silence arises, the Teacher enters sits legs crossed, knees flat on the floor, right foot on left knee. We sit for ten minutes, ten pain riddled minutes, before he speaks. I strain to hear, then a great solemn ‘ohmmm’ engulfs the hall – where did that come from I ponder before the next ‘ohmmm’ arises and my memory takes me to comedy sketches on yoga which always include ‘ohmmm’s, so with a smile I join in.

Our Teacher leads us through a series of increasingly impossible moves, each seemingly designed to emphasise the firmness of his buttocks and the suppleness of his limbs. I feel, but don’t see, the women, and a couple of the men, swoon. Let this be over soon I chant soundlessly, and after one last ‘ohmmm’ it is.
Now for some special treatments!
Cecil Poole

Dear reader we are unable to describe the special treatments as suggested by Cecil, Suffice to say we refer you to chapter 69 of the Khama Sutra, and we’ll leave the rest to your imagination. No country attains a population of over one billion by just meditating.