Simon Birmingham, who looks a little bit like Errol takes a peek inside our think- tank.

How to work with China, (from our China experts). 

Dear reader, as an internationally recognised agency of  pan strategic global politics and a bit of a think- tank, (our think tank is unique, the ex RAN Collins Class rescue vessel, ‘HMAS Suppository of Wisden’ has been specially fitted out by our friends from Crown. It includes, leather upholstered Chesterfield lounge setting, an ex-Crown gaming table with intact magnets, scanning and listening devices and a full size television screen offering Playstation, X box and VHS for older thinkers and a high roller accredited washer and dryer for currency handling and cocaine dispenser) we are regularly asked by International governments and private enterprise what our view is in any given contemporary diplomatic issue. 

Ces looks out of the think tank airlock before re-entering and continuing DEEP THOUGHT!

In this we give succinct and direct advice, 

Our advice is backed up by in-depth analysis, and vetted by our experts in political science, economics, international law and real estate. Thus equipped our hotline is red-hot on advice to leadership groups the world over on what to invest in, what direction to take, and for the UK government, what private firms to give vast amounts of cash for the notional supply of PPE’s without due diligence, tendering process or analysis as to whether the firm has any expertise in the field they allege to represent. And we give this advice solely upon the condition that the directors of any of the said firms can prove their family links to current Ministers of the Crown. 

Quent imagines alternate realities and questions the inviolable truth of payday lending and Sports bet from the think tank

In doing so we lubricate the wheels of governance, and ensure that the status quo is maintained. Namely, that the rich and powerful get  to stay on top, and the vast majority who pay taxes are treated with benign contempt. That is the way of the world. 

Until yesterday. 

The phone went white hot. It was Simon Birmingham. He’s our Trade Minister.  Sime got straight to the point; “I’ve a problem with China”!.  

“Yeah mate’ we good humouredly replied; “who hasn’t got a problem with China’?. Simon laughed, “Yep it inspires some more of me poetry’,

“Some say it’s a systemic failure

But China’s gone crook on Australia’

Simon on a field trip in search of new trade partnerships.

We all had a laugh, in spite of the fracas between China and Canberra he could still inspire poetry. That’s the Aussie spirit in full. When faced with adversity to have a laugh. That’s why we keep changing the lyics to “Advance Australia”, the song is so boring no one knows any of the lyrics. A change here and there won’t make any difference. ‘Have another crack Si’, we all laughed, by now he was on speaker phone, who said the wit and skill of repartee and informed debate was missing in Canberra?’

‘Yeah mate , we’ve be laughing as much as a container frull of crayfish in a Chinese port’

‘Or a Container of Aussie wine, left to rot on the docks’.

‘Or a bulk carrier of barley, that’s been becalmed’,

‘Or a foreign students uni fees that will never be refunded’, 

‘Or, wait for it, an Australian born Chinese’s pledge of loyalty to Eric Abetz” 

By this stage Si was in full flow, ‘Hang on a mo, got another one, 

‘They dont like our wine, barley, crayfish and more

But they cant keep their hands of our iron ore.’

‘Bewdy Si that should go into Hansard’!

 Si agreed, “or maybe another verse of Advance Australia’? 

Si was on the ball, with this bloke holding the levers of trade.  We were in good hands, “how can we help you Si”? 

Trialling the compact think-tank and think-tankette, Shanghai trade Fair 2020.

‘Well it’s tricky see. And what I’m about to tell you about our trade relationship is top secret, that’s why I called you, a trusted source and it’s in CODE. It’s all about “Foreign Interference”. 

In a flash we knew what he was talking about. Foreign interference could only be one thing. 

Foregn interference was code for  …..

Internal workings of “HMAS Suppository of Wisden”. (not shown Don’s batting average 99.9 stencilled to exterior in Gold).

What is the code? Will Simon Birmmingham unlock this new threat upon Australian culture?  Or will he suffer a legislative assembly of the Hong Kong parliament? Find our in the next thrilling episode, “Australias yellow- tinged peril” or “ Two Wongs dont make a white paper”.  

Dear reader, as you have doubtlessly been following our splendid exploits with the SAS on the foreign fields of valour, you will be shocked by the excoriating details of alleged atrocities. 

For us, ex members of the RAR 21/22 nd battalion AIF, (Australian Imperial Forces) who take great pride in our mission to civilise the savage masses of humanity who eschew pay day lending, 24/7 shopping and Sports-Bet, this comes as an affront to every serving member of his Majesty’s forces. 

This is a DISGRACE

Australia has a clear history of honourable conflict.

Is this the ADF’s Conniston Moment? 

This is worse than anything Breaker Morant did, and we have it on good authority that Breakers lawyer, Jack Thompson, living legend and heart throb for the over 60’s would be buggered trying to help these blokes. Blokes, who like our cricketers are alleged to have gone a little bit too far. 

As Don said; “sometimes you have to use a cricket bat to swat a fly. Just make sure it’s a pommy fly, and the grace of God and wellbeing of the Australian people will be with you’. So whilst we wait for the court enquiries, the sentencing and the prison terms for not playing by the rule book, (Mallory’s Morte d Arthur) we would like to make one humble suggestion that puts the shame into a correct light. 

The soldiers in the field in Afghanistan, were not Australian soldiers, 

As Clausewitz famously said, “on the field a unit, a platoon, and entire division is identified by the flag they carry into battle’. Precisely! Those who committed atrocities were not working for the Australian Government, and therefore are nor responsible to Australian law. 

The photographs reveal the fallacy behind prosecution. Just as Trump lies besieged by the forces of truth in the White House, so these brave men should not be tried under Australian law. 

For example, this image take in Something or other province, clearly shows troops performing the sacred right to civilise savages under the flag of the Third Reich. Now apart for the odd atrocity, the Third Reich did produce crack troops. It suggests that the demise of the Third Reich is an unsubstantiated rumour. And as the image shows, these troops are very much acting under the authority of a Fuehrer. Perhaps its an identification of Australia’s lurch to the right. Either way, these are not Australian soldiers. 

The next image shows troops, allegedly American and Australians fighting under the banner of Shutzstaffel, colloquially known as the ‘SS’. We believe their leader is Heinrich Himmler who was alleged to have died in 1945.  Clearly his ethos  and command is still with troops invested in the sacred rite of civilising. Himmler’s obsession was with cleansing the east, so the middle east is not far off the mark..

This  next picture proves that the Confederacy is not dead. Jefferson Davis has reputedly been dead a long while, but it seems fair to assume that his spirit is definitely with us. 

So let’s hold the Confederacy to account, the SS and the Third Reich.  Once again those rotten Nazis have abused the fair and upstanding rules of war. They’ve rubbished the ethos to ‘play up, play up and pay the game’. 

In the international spirit of cricket, those bad- ass Nazis and Confederates have used the Sandpaper. 

We must ask ourselves can we ever recover from their shame?

Rather that,  than ask the harder question as any politician won’t tell you, the reason why the were there in the first place. 

The Rt (dis)Hon Alan Tudge, “Tudgey” to his mates.

We at pcbycp applaud the decision by the Federal Government to set up a dudded sheilah support group (DDSG) headed up by Dyse, Alan and Christian. 

As the spokesperson for the Battered, Broken and Buried Sheila’s Response Group (BBBSRG) says: ‘it’s an opportunity for blokes of significant whiteness, and power, through representing the patriarchy to instruct (by example) on how women should behave in public life. Principally, to KEEP THEM OUTTA TROUBLE! To understand the over-arching principle of manifest destiny and the patriarchy as a GIFT FROM an ALL LOVING GOD, who seeks through the doctrine of  original sin and ancient bearded-men the world over to punish women for being bit players in the old testament and of being no consequence in the greater scheme of things. 

Our man of law, the AG, ” Porty” to his mates.

The Prime Minister held a special press conference to proudly announce the three new sub departments in the Super Department of Minor and Unimportant Womens Issues, (DMUWI)

“This is a progressive initiative taken on behalf of the Coalition to address this appalling situation. 

Some of em are squealin to the press. They’re impugning the reputations of Ministers of the CROWN. Who are just getting a FEEL for their job. A job that carries the weight of RESPONSIBILITY. To Make high level decisions on COAL, GAS, ABO incarceration and looking after mates.   It just aint GOOD ENOUGH!

‘Porty’ and ‘Dutto’, ( ‘spud -head’ to his mates)

I choose these blokes to represent womens issues with the same confidence we evinced when Tony Abbott became the Minister for Women and Aborigines. Though he’s heading up a Brexit trade negotiation, (applause from the audience) Im sure that these three blokes WISE MEN ALL,  will do for womens issues what Tone did for aboriginals. They’ll be so grateful that they got off lightly with a slap on the bum, a squeeze and a resignation, that they’ll be pleading for more.  As the AG himself says;  “treat em men, keep em keen”. 

So here’s the rollout

The Department of Touching (and Feeling)

Dyse is heading up this one.

The first of the sub-Ministries  the Dept of Touching a Feeling will be headed by Dyson Heydon. Dyse is a leader in the field. He’ll put a strong and firm hand on womens issues and squealers will be given special treatment.

The Department of Dumping

Tudgey has a handle on this, and together with the sub Ministry of Dissing, Dudding and Gaslighting

Dyse. Both these women had working with Dyse certification.

The Department of Bum Slapping. 

This is a shoe-in for Porty. He’s got form and he’s an expert in the trade. As AG. He knows what women like, that’s why in his own words;  ‘they keep comin back for more’. 

Barnaby, the man who started it all. A BLOODY LEGEND!

So to recap, this is not a thought bubble, we take sheilas interests really seriously. Ferchrisskes me mum was one, I think.  It has been said that God must’ve had a mum by one also. We wouldnt go that far, cos as Rupert says, ‘the science aint in yet’, but women have proven in Australian politics  the capacity to make the sandwiches, and clear up after question time. The Aussie sheilah has a track record in being reliable, honest and full of integrity, and if ya slap em round a bit they generally take it in good grace. It’s an undisputed piece of Aussie culture that we don’t like dobbers and women know their place. As it is said in testicles, chap 5 v 6, “she whoeth be rib- born shall be stoned righteously if she questions the authority of man made in the image of an all loving god’. And so it is written. 

And if you don’t believe me, it s been countersigned here by God’s Deputy himself Cardinal Pell. 

Case closed. 

And I say this with CONVICTION!

Michaela, a good strong woman in Canberra.

You still need a bloke to mow the lawns. Just ask Jim.

In Strayla we have only one National Anthem 99.99.

Dear reader, Glady’s has recovered from Daz, and is now questioning the lyrics to our glorious national anthem. Is this her madness of King George moment? Or does it suggest a turning point in the national psyche?

please read on…

(for the impaired or vulnerable we suggest if the content is confronting and you already possess a predisposition for cultural nuance identity disorder  CNID, we suggest playing ‘ I love to have a beer with Duncan ‘ in the background and anxiety will be soothed, negative impulses of thought, introspection or insight, suitably buffered)

Glady’s writes

“I think it’s about time we recognise the tens of thousands of years of the First Nations people of this continent,” she told ABC TV on Wednesday. “Unity is so important.”

‘Is Don is Good’ (new anthem opening line)

She is backing the campaign to change the opening lines of Advance Australian Fair from “we are young and free” to “we are one and free”.

“Recognising all of our key parts of our society is critical … and I think if we say, ‘we’re one and free’, it acknowledges that we’re not really young as a continent. We’re tens of thousands of years old when it comes to human inhabitants,” Berejiklian said. “Respect is important. Inclusiveness is important.”

The change would reflect that Australia has the longest-living culture on its continent through the Indigenous Australians.

“And I think it’s about time that we start recognising that in all of our national symbols and all of our national ways in which we represent ourselves,” she said. (Guardian Australia)

“leave our bloody flies alone”, (verse 2 new anthem)

We at pcbycp are in furious agreement on this score, 

We believe that the acknowledgement of First Australians is often overlooked. Overlooked for exactly the same reason that Australia as the number one Sheilah killer and number one environment despoiler  in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD is not mentioned.  As a nation we are modest. We don’t like to brag about how bloody good we are. 

You can witness this at the cricket. Whilst the Poms have developed a whole spectator culture out of singing songs, making new ditties and inventive, clever, and whimsical ways of portraying sport culture, we just chant ‘C’mon Aussie’ and ‘Aussie Aussie’… We don’t like to let the Poms know that we wrote by ourselves, without the benefit of a think-tank, a focus group, and  without the global dominance of Coca Cola, all four verses to “I love to have a beer with Duncan”. 

Where a batting average represents contemporary Strayla as TRULY AVERAGE!

Just as our real national anthem, (Waltzing Matilda)  is about a deadbeat drunk sheep duffer in the outback who’s so pissed he falls into the billabong to escape the Public Safety Officer who’s crook on him for not wearing a mask, so we abhor boosterism, and what others might see as “Trumpian hyperbole”. 

We’ve fucked up and killed the Great Barrier Reef for no other reason that it was THERE! We did out best to cleanse Tasmania of natives, cos they didn’t appreciate just how important Don’s batting average was. And we like killing Sheila’s, in marriage, out of marriage, alone, with other Sheila’s or just because they annoy us, because we can. Even our Federal Ministers and Dyse can’t keep their ands off em.  Like Koalas we like killing them cos they’re cute and friendly. WE HATE THAT, and some Sheila’s have ideas, WE HATE IDEAS IN AUSTRALIA!

Kids have no trouble learning Dons batting average.

So Gladys, let’s put in a few bars that truly reflect Aussie mateship and drinking culture. Perhaps a verse or two about being dudded by shifty spiv ex-Ministers, and a verse or two for Ministers of the Crown with nuanced investments in the Cayman islands. 

At the end of the day get rid of Advance Australia all together. WE like Gas and Coal. That aint advanced and WE LOVE IT! 

“Advance”, the whole tenor of it is lefty, and we HATE LEFTIES!

So find us a new anthem… 

Don discusses Keith Millers batting average and copping the odd ball on the chin with Princess Margaret.

Please send you suggestion to “Find a new anthem at pcbycp”. Send your stamped self addressed envelope to “pcbycps find a new anthem comp” and post code 99.99 ( Dons batting average) and we’ll forward it to “ The BIG IDEAS Forum” C/o Barnaby Joyce’s Murray Darling vitreous enamel Basin.

‘Fake News’

Dear reader, the final installment of our recent dispatch from the pcbycp team with our troops embedded on the North West Frontier (Afghanistan)  The story continues where it left off, with the locals not enamoured to our diplomatic offer of an ANZAC themed barbecue.

As we recall the pcbycp led by Lt Smartars*, were busy implementing skills learnt from ‘The Intervention’ in dealing with untrustworthy and unruly natives.

“What a ripper, it worked in the outback, should work here, and besides though they don’t like beer, they could enjoy beereish culture. Let her rip”.

In seconds the side of the Perentie was down and music was blaring, “I’d love to have a beer with Duncan’, and from the esky at the back, the SAS were throwing bottles of Coke. ” I’d love to have beer with DUNK”

Our mate Duncan, (who we like to have a beer with)

The locals went apeshit. ‘We drink in moderation”

They couldn’t fathom VB, but Coke was the singular unifying symbol of international prosperity.

‘And we never ever never get rolling DRUNK’

We couldn’t tell.  At first we thought they were delirious with joy, but by the sounds if it, they were STILL unhappy? …

‘We drink in the town and the country, where the atmosphere is GREAT’

‘You know it just goes to show in the end we don’t all share the same values’,

‘Too right’, said Ces,

‘That in the end, our values are better than theirs’,

‘I Love to have a beer with DUNCAN, Cos Duncan’s ME MATE!’

‘And like the Abos, during the intervention, they’re still ungrateful’.

SAS building “Better Communities”

‘Yep mate, they wouldn’t know culture if it hit em fair square in the face at a Yoghurteers Convention’! We all had a laugh, Ces had nailed it once again.

We got back on the chopper, and took one last look at the barby. Some of the kids were already climbing over it, another clear sign of disrespect. Disrespect of our dominant and Civilising CULTURE!. ‘Jeez’, Smarty reflected, ‘Now they’re lifting the hotplate, and look there, they’ve thrown the Rising Sun adorned Splash-Plate into the dirt. Makes yer weep’.’

On the floor of the chopper a few unexploded incendiary bombs and a pack of grenades rolled about. As the chopper lifted well clear of the crowd Smarty nonchalantly pulled the pin and threw em out the door.

‘Just to make sure’.

SAS Perentie’s forming a circle to co-ordinate ” Love to have a beer with Duncan’ for maximum community building effect.

‘Hangon a mo, what’s this? An Aussie Flag wrapped around some tins of pork sausages, “Gift from the Australian Government’, Smarty heaved them into the swirling mass of humanity. ‘A Keepsake to go with what’s left of the Sherrin’.

Smarty waxed philosophical; ‘That’s what I learnt from The Intervention.

‘THE HORROR’, a buggered barby and a desecrated Sherrin

No relationship can prosper unless it’s based on the application of well directed BRUTE FORCE to instil TRUST in our institutions of Good Governance through the reinforcing coercive value of RAW FEAR’.

There was a dull thud below us, “Good- o, the barby’s safe now’!

And by the whiff of it, “its fried steak n kidney with mince-meat patties ALL ROUND!”

“And don’t forget the PORK SAUSAGES”! piped Ces,

“DEAD RIGHT’! We all said and pissing ourselves over “The Horror” we cracked a few more VB’s for the short ride home.

* Cpl Smartars has been promoted to Lieut Smartars during the course of this embedded tour as a consequence of winning the ‘Building Stronger Communities Equestrian Event’. Image depicts Smartars returning to Kabul after installing another barbie whilst under enemy fire and SINGLEHANDEDLY rescuing the Barbecue Tongs and Toasting Fork. (For this he was mentioned in despatches).

Note; if you have a problem or know of someone with an undisclosed V.C affliction, seek help and ring either ‘SAS Stronger Communities Life-Line’ or the “unremarkable non V.C winner also-ran Afghan veteran support group” and our resident mental health support staff will be in touch with immediate action. Just quote the Don’s batting average and you’ll be fast tracked to either a newly minted Sherrin, (signed by 22 commando unit SAS) or a hand signed dvd of Ted Whitten performing handball during World of Sport. Both items individually framed or pictures supplied for wall mounting, in the trophy room, your favourite bar, club, or mental institution.

Part two, we finished where we left off, attempting to install civilisation amongst SAVAGES!

ADF recognises the unquestionable authority of the Sherrin in civilising dark places.

Smarty walked over to the Afghani who started it all.  From the bits of him, not adhered to the walls, we discerned something grim, a fragment of what looked like leather, on the external surface, “ Gift from the RAR”, and still barely discernible “SHERRIN”. 

‘Jeez’! Smarty ejaculated, ‘that bloke wasn’t carrying a bomb, he was carrying a footy, the Royal Australian Regiment has been here before, (he paused for emphasis), “IN CIVILISING”!. If we’d known we would’ve bought em a complete set of Ted Whitten hand-balling skills DVD’s, (‘and a player’ interjected Ces) along with the barby. Buggered if I know what that bugger was trying to do with the footy? Is it a crime to desecrate a Sherrin’? 

‘You betcha mate, it’s not only disrespectful to our culture, but it’s also sacrilegious. It’d be like questioning the bona-fides of a VC holder, or suggesting that a Minister of the Crown was crooked’. 

‘You’re right Smarty”!…. We faced in the direction of OZ, and with our hands on our hearts intoned, “,No Clean-livin Aussie would do that”!

NO CLEAN LIVIN AUSSIE WOULD DO THAT!

Still, we’d better get onto it, and before you could say ‘snag’, we had the cement mixer whirring away and the barbie, was being built. An Apache landed a load of bricks, and another Iroquois loaded a bench top and several gas cylinders. Each cylinder, marked ‘A GIFT FROM THE AUSSIE GOVT,’ with Don’s batting average inscribed on the side. ‘Who said war’s bad’? Ces laughed. We all had a chuckle this was our ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ moment. 

‘Fuck me’! (opined Quent), “where are the locals? Who’s gonna use the barby’?

‘I dunno’, Ces replied,  ‘maybe they’re hiding! No use having a Barbie unless you’ve got locals otherwise what would be the use? It’d be like questioning our very role in helping these blighted bastards in the first place’. 

Smarty was onto it, ‘Round up what you can find and bring em over to the barby’. If they don’t wanna join-in we’ll make em. Just at that moment a slab of VB fell from the sky. We looked up, “who said there aint heaven’? And we each cracked a can, and waited for the locals. Ces, busied himself in troweling off the edges. 

Ted Whitten, universally accepted symbol of international fair play and sportsmanship on the Field of valour, God and King etc, etc,

Smarty returned with a gaggle of local kids and women. The women were all veiled, we sniggered, as if we wanted to look at em anyway, and motioning with the butt of his 50 cal, smarty made em look at the barbie. The crest at the rear of the splash-plate was a rising sun motif, and beneath ‘a gift from the Australian Army’. 

The women and children started screaming and yabbering. Ces offered em a beer, and they looked more scared, like it was a grenade. ‘Jeez, Smarty thought you said you’d sorted out the Abos out during the intervention, why aint it working here’?   ‘I dunno’? Smarty curtly replied (you could tell he was annoyed) ‘maybe there’s something missing’. ?

In a flash he had the answer, running back to the Perentie and the still smoking quadruple 50 cal and a group of disinterested SAS veterans playing cards he muttered a few words, and in a flash, the SAS were over with an interpreter. 

Our replacement interpreter. Lasted about as long as the other one. Cant remember his name either.

‘Whaddare they sayin’?, Ces cried, ‘dunno’, the interpreter waived to us, we wandered over, 

‘What’s up’? In strongly accented dialogue he described the villagers we killed were all innocent; “That why what’s left of the village aint happy (and to put a finer point of international relations on it), they aint rapt in your civilising’. ‘Innocent me balls’! Ces cried, “they wouldn’t graciously accept our offer of a barbie! In Oz that’d be worse than dissing a mate”. 

“I know’!, Smarty had an idea, “howsabout we do a ”Wake in Fright on em”

What’s a “Wake in Fright’? Will our intrepid men at the front introduce ‘two-up’ as a cross cultural benefit, or is it portentous of something more impenetrable?  Stay tuned to our next explosive episode in ” Two cans to Tarenkot’ or…”You only live Once”!

After all we’ve done for em! INGRATITUDE!

From our embedded reporter,

We got the tip off at 5 Ack Emma, (that’s five am for non military types). We were GOING IN!. 

Our mission? To install a barbecue on another Afghan village. 

A symbol of Australia’s determination to civilise savages in the field, and a display of our technical excellence in building BETTER COMMUNITIES!.

There was none, but we still had to do it for THEIR OWN GOOD!

Cpl Smartars, (pronounced ‘Smart-arse’, “Smarty” to his mates) knew a lot about community building. He’d piloted a Chinook during The Intervention. He reckoned after he’d disgorged a cohort of military police, a battalion of SAS, an elite commandos corps, a bomb disposal unit, a medical team equipped with the latest operating theatre, and triage unit and a lone psychologist, his words, “ the Abos,‘ll be into the “Space Age” from “the Stone Age” faster than you can say “Stronger Futures’ had a ring of truth to it!

In Afghanistan PROUDLY flying our National FLAG!

In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” National Flag

The NT Intervention. Teaching the locals how to stand around.

Smarty had a point. After the intervention he could point to the success of civilising. The prisons were full, the Abo’s were cowered, and the public, (as always) could be guaranteed (apart from some lefty wankers) to not give a stuff. That was the one abiding principle of Aussie, the apathy. That’s where he got the idea of installing barbies in benighted, wretched communities writhen by drugs, pornography and alcohol. Though there wasn’t any of that in those communities it didn’t matter.  It was important to show we cared and was doing something about it. And it looked good for the folks on the telly back home. Almost as if a REAL PROBLEM was there. This gave us background. Background is important for dealing with Abo’s. Some people reckon they’ve been around for fifty upwards thousands of years. All we knew was they’d been complaining ever since settlement, and didn’t appreciate how lucky they were and how grateful they should be. That’s the core principle of civilisation. They’ve gotta be grateful with their culture being displaced by 24/7 shopping and day time telly, and Sports Bet. Perhaps that what makes em so crook? The fact that in fifty thousand years they never came up with such great ideas. Ideas that generate TRUE wealth. 

Anyway arrived at a village and there were all these Afghan blokes standin round, looked like they were gathering for a mosque or something. Normally we‘d use the interpreter, but the yanks shot him last week in a friendly fire incident. We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either. 

In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” ‘OTHER’ National Flag

Preparing to mount the Crest on the splash- plate of the Afghan Barby!

One of em looked shifty.  Smartarse asked him; “whaddayou lookin at me mate’? the Afghani just looked mutely on. “Stupid bastard”, Smarty turned to us; ‘reckons he  can’t understand English, or was he tryin to be shifty? To emphasise his good intentions Smarty waved his barbecue tongs and said; ‘we’ve come to put a barby in your square, and with a bit of luck you’ll fucken understand the sacred peace-making role of the barby’. The Afghani, pretended not to hear, and we noticed out of the corner of our eye another Afghani walking across the square. He looked shifty also. He was carrying something, Before you could say “How many runs did the Don score in the 48 test series?” Smarty yelled, “He’s got a IED”!, And the blokes for the SAS, motioned us to get outta the way and HIT THE DECK!

We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either.

Within seconds the square full of Afghani blokes was gone. We couldn’t tell if it were the machine guns, the semi automatics,  the fifty Cal, the Claymores, the napalm, the mortar shells, the 40 mm, the 88 mm or the 110 mm or the bomblets. Just to be sure the C140 Gatling made sure there were no stragglers. When we looked up and the shooting stopped, the only thing left were the barbecue tongs standing curiously upright, “Jeez’, Ces said to me; ‘all this barbarism is wiped out, and civilisation prevails”. Ces was philosophical that way. 

He had a point. Innocent lives had not been wasted, 

Will the pcbycp team remain embedded? Stay tuned to our next civilising episode in ” A Kabulli-Beef Beyond” or ” Two Paki’s short of the North West Frontier”.

Executives talk about laundry and Cleaning Opportunities as an indisputable part of NATION BUILDING

We’ve be rapt with the proceedings at V-line. 

It proves, the cleaning business aint what it used to be, 

Running a commercial laundry used to be pretty simple. We’d pick up the laundry from hospitals, hotels and mental institutions, take it back to the warehouse, steam it, clean it, and dry it, and then return it. It’s pretty simple really. Sometimes we’d get an order for ten thousand clean pillow cases, and we’d be up all night pressing em. In the laundry we’ve got an industrial size iron and press, to do bulk lots. Takes us about an hour to do 100 double bed sheets, and say pillow slips and cases we just bulk them and put em through the belt dryer as soon as they come out of the steamer. That way we can do hundreds without really trying. Still, we’d have to return em, and then package them. For bulk orders most of the time would be spent on the packaging. People don’t like paying big bucks for laundry if it arrives in a bag. For the more up-market hotels it must be wrapped in linen and then secured with ribbon, with big bows. That way they know they’re getting value for money And as the saying goes; ‘the optics look good’. 

Crown Casino laundry bag

Anyway it’s been like this for years, until recently, strange things started happening. We got a bulk order from Crown Casino, from the high roller penthouses on the twentieth floor, and all these 100 dollar notes flew out of the bag. We rang Crown and they said there must be some mistake, and they sent a bloke round. We said; ‘is this yours mate’? and he said, “nup, just part of a high rollers stake”, and left it at that. The same thing, happened the following week, then the week after, and the week after that. Eventually we stopped ringing Crown cos no one seemed to check up and the the money started arriving daily. Eventually the bags of dirty linen were not just full of linen, but more cash. Until finally, the bags just came stuffed with cash. 

So what did we do? We took the cash. 

Standard Aldi Bag

Nothing much happened, so we did what sensible folk do and invested  in luxury lifestyles. The usual stuff, a place on the beach, a string of investment portfolios, bit-coin, Cartier watches, luxury yachts, a Ferrari or two and a time-share in Aspen. 

Till one day the cash stopped 

Crown we’d been told had moved its laundry business to an offshore commercial cleaning company. They could offer laundry at a better rate. And to be perfectly honest we were happy. We’d run out of ways of spending the cash. We all had meth, cocaine, and smack addictions, and we weren’t happy. The irony is, the money had made us miserable. 

The laundering business had gone off- shore. To attract High Roller laundry.

Turned out the cleaning company knew what to do with the cash, they used what was left over to pay executive managers and CEOs on Boards and in senior public service roles. Some of it even went to regional rail  to stimulate growth making initiatives. Like providing gaming facilities on V Line trains or sourcing Cartier watches for performance. Seemed like great ‘Nation Building’ initiatives and who were we to question it?  We were just a commercial laundry. 

Till one day we got a call from Jamie Packer. He was rope-able. 

He said his laundry had gone missing. We told him to ring the bloke who runs V-line cleaning. The bloke who runs V-line cleaning told him to ring the bloke that runs ASIC.  The bloke that runs ASIC told us to contact the lady that runs Aus Post. The Lady from Aus Post told us to ring the NSW Premier. The NSW Premier told us to ring the bloke who runs the Energy Ministry in the Federal Govt. The Department Head of the Energy Ministry told us to ring the bloke that runs ‘JAM-LAND’, and by that stage we’d given up. We were confused and we just couldn’t answer all the questions they flung back at us. In the end we just said “Can’t REMEMBER”.  And hoped they’d GO AWAY!

And besides Jamie Packer, (the bloke who put the fear of Be-Jeesus into us) had dissapeared, almost as if he was NEVER there!

Till the bloke called Angus set us straight. He told us directly; ’ITS” SORTED”! 

‘What’s sorted,’ we implored? 

‘Your laundry business’! 

Neatly sorting the laundry from Crown. From the Aldi bag into the Crown bag

‘What part of the business’?, 

‘Listen up’, he said; ‘If you’re gonna be in the laundry business  keep it clean, and NO questions asked. Nothing to see HERE’!

What was he talking about? We were in the laundry business precisely to get things cleaned. 

The phone hung up. WE tried to ring back, but they said the number had been disconnected. 

We were stumped. 

Then all of a sudden the bags started arriving from Crown again. 

So far they’re only half full of cash.

We’ve taken Angus’s advice, and pretend that there’s nothing to see. From here-on we press the 100’s into neat little pies and tie nice ribbons round em. Once the money’s cleaned and pressed, we  tie them with little ribbons. And send em back via Aust Post. WE started doing that months ago, hadn’t heard anything yet. According to the Aus Post website they’re still tracking. 

IT’S SORTED!

No word from Angus, yet, but, the optics look good.

We read with sympathy the Djab Wurrung who mourn the senseless loss of trees on the Western Highway expansion. We feel their frustration that an alternative route, or a compromise could not be found. And as a individuals  working on the periphery of road design we can understand their frustration. Part of it, (though no excuse) has been the gradual hiving off of in-house design from Vicroads to external operatives, who are strongly guided by monetary return.  To ensure that little projects get big and big projects get obscenely big. In a word, it’s lucrative. On cultural terms it’s the equivalent to demolishing Stonehenge, for a truck stop, or an entire planet, (Hitchhikers guide)  for a preferred astral route, (no Pun intended). The irony is, after the trees are lost and the road, like our rivers, ‘super-straightened’, it will allow a bureaucrat, to arrive at a meeting with another bureaucrat fourteen seconds faster, or a truck hauling stuff destined for landfill to arrive somewhere between Adelaide and Melbourne in slightly faster time. The landscape, the surrounds, the ecology is immaterial. To compensate Vicroads might install an-art themed sound wall, or corten structural embellishment, to declare its cultural sensitivity, to launder their reputation, like money laundering through a corpus of officially designated artists and designers. 

At the heart of the matter are two things; the more strident the cries of loss, and the echoes of a subject peoples who’ve we’ve systematically tried to erase for two hundred years is ignored, the anger just grows. It doesn’t matter if people talk rationally, about cultural heritage. When Bruce Pascoe champions the relevance of culture in the Australian landscape, non-one  in power listens. Listening is skewed to those ‘inner urban elites’ that our kind represent.  Like climate change and the culture wars it has been schism’d by that ‘great inertia’, the ‘Great Australian Apathy’, and value added by centuries of ‘Cultural Cringe’. 

The same unifying singular force allows us as a people to turn a blind eye to the blowing up of caves in Western Australia, the desecration of the Great (now lesser) Barrier Reef, our loss of entire eco-systems, and water. Fracking is just another example of the determination by  ‘the market’ to displace anything that cannot be measured in strictly monetary terms. WE bugger up whatever the cost. And BECAUSE WE CAN!

But there’s no point in caterwauling against it. It’s futile, this and any other environmental issue is not ever going to be a Franklin 2.0. 

First Australians must realise and recognise the value of MONETISING the ENVIRONMENT! For a start a White Shirt and Tie demonstrates RESPECT!

Australia has changed. Hadn’t you noticed?  People are in public office not for universal themes of societal betterment and the ‘Commonwealth’ They’re in often for naked self interest. They’re either rorting the system or wanting entitlement, watches, investment properties, Cayman Island schemes, you name it. In the latest disclosure of Parliamentary interests I noticed aghast at how many backbenchers you’d never heard of had acquired upwards of ten, twelve, fifteen investment properties. As billionaires are a failure of the system, so dynastic back-bencherism is a failure of democracy. It’s all about feather- bedding, sinecurism, and the “quiet” kleptocracy. 

In an emergent age of twitter fed jingoistic nationalism, they’ll stoke any fire to ensure that we look the other way. There is no consensus, the champions of the environment once the Liberal National Coalition are now determined to destroy it. To erase their legacy of awareness and the broader issues beholden to us in society. ‘The society’ in neo-liberal terms is a ‘dirty word’, now marginalised, fractionalised, and inept. As we were once a dynamic free thinking country of individualists and extroverts, we are now cowered, by debt, mortgages, and compulsory superannuation into being a sump of supine forelock tuggers, governed through fear,  insecurity, and the boon of fully-franked dividends.

Maralinga, a White Shirt and Tie Moment!

It’s no good thinking in deep terms. Just as we are world leaders in killing women under the age of 55 in domestic violence, so we should accept that women must be allowed to kill men with equal immunity. Only by doing so will they achieve the respect they deserve. Similarly, when mindless, bloody minded desecration of aboriginal sites occurs we should demolish sacred white European sites. Perhaps the Shrine? The State Library? the Art Gallery or the MCG. Because at the heart of it until we as a society recognise the cultural value of ‘their stuff’ as being part ‘our stuff’, an undisputed priceless gift of shared inheritance, we’ve got Buckley’s of understanding their viewpoint. Great for the culture wars, but impoverishment for all future Australians. 

A Pharisee outside ‘the Shirley’, (Temple).

Bit of a toss up

It was unexpected, 

Bit of a shock really, 

A Praetorian Guard

Being kicked in the Praetorian Guard can be extremely panful!

But when Ces took the call we looked at each other and said ‘WTF’! For the uninitiated WTF stand for ‘Whither Thou Findeth’. It’s a biblical phrase taken from Eclesiatices, when the beggars and the money launderers were denied entry to the temple by the Pharisee. The money launderer tried the back door and was kicked in his Praetorian guard, whilst the beggar, was made to discern another entry point till the kind Centurion picked him up with a shaft of his pilum and tossed him back into the street. The beggar exasperated, enquired, ‘why me’? And the Centurion replied boastfully; ‘Cos beggars cant be choosers mate’!

A Centurion

The Centurion had a point, it’s funny how the Bible informs us on human behaviour, and we use it often as a guide to being correct and doing the right thing. We decided to ignore the bits about stoning sheila’s, and killing first-borns, and wasting whole cities cos they were rude. I mean if we did that the only effing thing left in Sydney would be the the Crown Casino complex at Barangaroo.. cos after the board enquiry, we all know its ‘CLEAN’!

Excuse me, where were we? That’s it , Ces and I got the call. 

A Money Launderer in ‘the Shirley’,(Temple)

It was Angus. “G’day mate’! Ces had it on speaker phone, “how they hangin”? ‘Tales’ gave us a good laugh, we were talking about his share portfolio and synthetic collateral futures, a bit of an in-joke we learnt last time we were checking the options for tax minimisation in the Caymans.

“Well boys, as a matter of fact this is fuckin serious, we need someone to head up ASIC, and by the looks of things if youse blokes could give it a double-header? Howsabout heading up Aus Post as well? Are you up for it’?

Sydney after it was destroyed by Gods judgement. Only the Crown towers at Barangaroo survived.

“Are you up for it’? was code, for ‘Are you MAN enough”? So taking a quick glance at our Hanna Gadsby wall poster the answer was obvious, “ NO WORRIES TALES’! 

“Whaddawe have to do’?

“Jeez I knew I could rely on youse”. Tales knew he had the men for the job. 

It made us feel special that a Minister of the Crown, who was also Energy Minister had anointed us. Not only were we mates, but mates whom he could trust. Trust is in short supply these days with so many dobbers and squealin Sheila’s. Ces, cos of his synthetic futures had a handle on ASIC.  “YEP Tales, I just cop the ones that aren’t from the big end of town’! 

“That’s right Ces, leave the banks, the casinos, horse racing, philanthropic trusts, private prisons, aged care, Transurban, Exxon, Google alone, all ya have to do is find a small business importer and scapegoat em’! 

‘What if they’re clean’? Ces enquired

‘Just find something to clobber em, Got me’?

Australian money laundries aint as sophisticated as overseas ones.

“Yeah mate’? Ces could feel the energy. 

‘Yep, if they’re importing from China or links to the Labor Party. Tip off our mates in Sky’! Tales paused, “ GOT ME’?

“Right’, Ces said. 

“And you Quent, just sit on the Aus Post board and do what others have done before you’?

Quent stammered a reply, ‘What”? Does that mean I  just nominate a salary and help myself to perks and feather-bed cronies’? 

‘Yep, all of that, and whilst you’re at it see if you can get a letter to arrive less than a week after it was posted from the other side o the street’.

‘No worries Tales, anything else’? (We flexed in anticipation of Tales’s final word)

‘Yep, you know what Im gonna say sounds insulting, but its the one thing you blokes have gotta learn in life’., 

‘What’s  that’? (Ces and I were galvanised with anticipation)

Need to hide 80 mil? Money lending, or money changing? Get the best advice from our man in the Caymans. Plain brown paper or Aldi bags freely accepted. Bundles of notes over 10 kg swiftly converted to Bitcoin, Swiss Francs or U.S dollars.

‘Fer Chrissakes, whatever you do to improve yourself in public office don’t get CAUGHT’!