P.M reflects on infallibility of NEG.

WE at pcbycp are deeply worried about the black cloud. WE are so worried and deeply troubled by the reassuring Murdoch press. The Australian headline, “Coal is better than  good for humanity’ has us troubled. WE suspect there may be a hidden agenda. 

And so we sought the advice of our top scientist, he’d left for the UK. We then trawled the halls of academic excellence, Melbourne University.  We commissioned the School of Earth Sciences to set up a laboratory to try and find out what powered the creeping blackness. WE spent quite a bit of money. Several million, then more and then before we knew what we’d committeed over half a billion dollars to the cause. For a week we waited and in spite of repeated requests the senior academic in charge assured us that the antedote was forthcoming,. Still no answer, though we were impresed that something was happening. The staff had increased to five hundred, their letterheads were stunningily corporate, and  the Executive Officers overseeing the research had taken themselves on a junket to Bermuda.  We waited, knowing that staying in first class hotels would probably help imeasurably with the research.  And after some prompting, knowing that they had to follow up research in Honolulu and the New Hebridies, they returned. 

Melbourne University. Australia’s first destination for RIVERS OF GOLD!

They told us by telex that their finding was positive and we were to await a special announcement on the next Monday. 

Breathlessly we waited and then we were summoned to the highest tier of Melbourne University. The Vice Chancellors office. And the Vice Chancellor, beaming, told us, ‘we have the answer’. He looked pretty relieved. We were ecstatic. An answer to the black death sweeping down upon us. 

Then, the senior bureaucrat, the Chief Executive Officer of the Black Cloud Research Foundation suggested we sit down. Then florushing a manilla folder he announced; “ This is the answer”. And pulled from the folder a card. He passed it to us. On it the word printed in Bold text, “BELIEVE”. 

So this is the answer, ‘Believe”? we enquired. 

“YES”! He pounded the table. ‘This is the answer to the black death. Then, turning to the Vice Chancellor;  ‘and we‘re offering a twenty five percent discount for overseas long term PHD students and indexing the normal overseas student rate at an un-believable eighty five thou per annum’. 

” If you’re gonna stand for something. Stand for NOTHING”. P.M delivers stitrring address on the floor of Parliament.

But… we stared fidgeting, We’re a bit flumoxed, How will these new visa rates and discounts for overseas students help us in the fight against the creeping darkness? He paused, looked at us as though we were stupid. He laughed. His colleague simpered in agreement, “Don’t you understand, this new dispensation wil give confidence to overseas investors and mums and dads investors in China’. And how will that help? ‘It will help because it gives us all confidence that the system is working’.

Working for what? We enquired? 

‘Working to ensure that our status in unquestioned, and that we’re seen to be reliable and beyond doubt’. 

‘Believe’! he said

‘It’s that simple’. 

In what? we said

‘In belief. And that’s unquestionable’.

‘But what of the spirit of the  enlightenment  and the question why’?, We said in desperation

‘To ask Why? Erodes the principles of Believe. 

And besides,  it makes people worried that we don’t know all the answers’. 

And that would damage our reputation. 

And that would COST US BIG!

P.M Seeks sage advice from Lord Dutton of the Far North.

Dear reader, as you may remember, the insidious creeping “ black death” of the coal dust cloud has now swept further south engulfing the Gold Coast. And though a spirited attempt was made  by ‘Clean Coal deniers” in Byron Bay and Mullumbimby it ’s creep continues inexorably. The last person to get out of Byron Bay was emotional, but described the chaos. 

Sir Percival Pecksnith, (aide to the Governor General) Holds aloft NEG as guarantee against the ” Insidious creeping black miasma”

“Faith alone may save us”, PM chants. “NEG” in a futile bid to save CIVILISATION!

“ We tried as hard as we could. Every tree along the Pacific Highway was festooned with rainbow coloured flags. We held gay marriage services up and down the coast. WE even adopted a Sudanese  mascot “Umbutu” and a first australian to appeal to the climate gods. But it was to no avail. At first we thought the cloud had been stopped. We rejoiced. For a whole week it just hung there neither going forth nor going back. An invisible line, our belief in science and rational thought as protector against ideology and idiocy seemed to work. But then, just as we began to believe we’d stopped it dead in its tracks it sought us out. It came for us, not down the coast, but around us and behind us. It have moved into the hinterland, drawing sustenance from the Armidale electorate. And fueled by Barnaby’s rise as a non relevant, very loud mouthpiece for Gina Rinehart, it gathered strength, and then, engulfed us. WE were literally done in the back. And I can tell you we had barely an hour to get out. The only people who stayed, were the Byron Bay writers festival attendees. They foolishly believed in the power of the written word, or wisdom and humanity. They died horribly. Our last image of them, Pompei-like the life sucked out of them, frozen, immobile atrophied to the corrupting influence of clean coal. 

Still the black cloud drifts further south. Latest reports describe the Newcastle ports and the Hunter Valley being subsumed and as always, in spite of intense efforts, even the sacrifice of young children to abate its wrath, the resistance has been useless. In a crisis meeting in Canberra, the PM was heard to mutter, “if it can’t be stopped it is gods will’. And the former PM Tony Abbott stating categorically this is what happens when you question the will of Lord Rupert of Murdoch. 

MP Craig Kelly. Deeply troubled about unfolding events.

PM leaves press conference, “I stand for NOTHING”! A broken man.

The sea, and every living thing in it, a coal derived sludge, accelerates the process of coalificaton and surfers off Bondi have noticed the first tell-tale signs. Little chinks of Briquettes and Coke floating in the water as flocculated particles. In spite of this, the NSW government has welcomed the first signs of Coal-ageddon, by sugesting that the Waratah be replaced as the state emblem, and  encouraging signs that school children will be rewarded with “Coal is good for humanity’ fridge magnets, paperweights, wall charts and metric rulers. But Sydney seems doomed, From the electorate of Craig Kelly the cloud is bearing down  and seems unstoppable. Fanned by Islamiphobia. It feeds on Fear, and seeks to make us realise that humanity is doomed unless we adopt coal, eat coal and as all carbon life forms are loathe to admit, burn together in carboniferous union. As the PM said, “There IS no other way”. 

There’s certainty in Coal, and the LNP want you to all now it’s a final solution. 

No question about it. 

The Coal-dust cloud emanates from the seat of Kennedy. ” It cameth to avenge the non- believers”, Corinthians Verse vi. Ch 12.

Dear reader, recent events beyond the Brisbane line indicate that fast changing phenomena are transforming the political landscape. Nothing we can do can stop the insidious creep of the dark cloud, that is gobbling up vast tracts of land. At first the weather forecasters believed it was a celestial phenomenon, a dust storm, or perhaps a rare atmospheric event. From Indonesia some projected. But chemical and trace analysis has proved one unalterable fact. A giant black cloud of creeping coal-dust is heading ominously further south. And there’s nothing we can do about it. 

The PM seeks expert advice on Climate change and National Energy Policy.

Children have been advised to stay indoors. The old and infirm have been advised to use towels, ventilators, and adhesive tape to block out the  cracks in doors and windows and ensure that the cloud can’t find its way into homes. Worse still, the sites south of Brisbane which until quite recently were free from the black stain have been subsumed, and communication seems non existent. It’s like ‘The Beach’, a senior meteorologist cried as he gave his report from the Gold Coast. ‘One moment a shiny citadel shimmering in the midday sum, symbol of all money can buy, the next a black miasma in which all signs of life have been blotted out. At this rate we don’t know where it will stop’. A Scientist from the CSIRO climate department, the one left who does odd jobs since the government cut the funding have this  to say, “never seen anything like it”. 

Thinking the cloud was charged by some other unseen force, rather than purely an environmental phenomenon, we asked the experts. 

Strong Leadership. Forcing the PM’s Hand in this moment of crisis.

Eminent psephologist Malcolm Mackerras was on hand to give his view. ‘The cloud seems to come from those elctorates in the deep north that believe the the earth is only six thousand years old, that woman was made in man’s image to be stoned, and questioning the orthodoxy of clean coal is a capital offence. WE can pinpoint the origin to the elctorate of  Kennedy, and other electorates in which the coal orthodoxy is an unquestioned way of life. Last communication was that if Turnbull doesn’t dump Paris, Canberra is doomed. Well I’ve gotta tell you, he’s dumped Paris, and the genie is out of the bottle. And it can’t be stopped.  WE need leadership  in a crisis like this. And nothing short of a miracle can save us from coal-ageddon’. 

The Prime Minister?, we asked. He guffawed, ‘Missing in action. Last thing we heard he was looking for a photo op with Merkel, then Vladimir, then Trump. He likes to be seen in those circles’. But the people are being subsumed we asked. ‘That’s o.k, he’s left Dutton in charge. They have Certainty’. Certainty of what? we asked ‘That the general mass of non Queeenslanders will soon adapt to their unque perspective on life’. 

And what’s that? 

‘To know that knowledge is an evil thing, that difference is a curse that saps White Australia of its vitality. And that if you’re not one of us, you’ll be sent to Nauru. And it seems to work. With absolute authority he has found a way to make Queensland adapt and thrive. The coal cloud is a repudiation, God’s vengenance on the non believers. 

There is only one law.

 Dutton’s law. 

As is written in the Bible. 

The insidious creep of the cloud of Coal Dust is overwhelming those electorates marked ” Green”. ‘For Green is the colour of Beelzebub, in his darkness’, ( Leviticus Ch3. V v1)

And it’s immutable…

(This is the second part of  Musical Dispatch from the Front of 11 August 2018.  Use Google Translate for text you cannot understand.)

In the Big Name No Blankets film, Rachel Perkins said “I saw George (Rrurrampu) and the Warumpi band play to thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of people all around Australia, and I saw how George could reach out and touch people, open their hearts to make them celebrate and embrace Aboriginality, and just DANCE with us and sing our song…” We in Yuendumu got to see that too, we got to sing and dance.

In 1986 the blackfella/whitefella tour came to Yuendumu. 1986 was also the year in which what was to become the most successful Aboriginal Band ever (Yothu Yindi) was formed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BSAqjtSbkw

Peter Garrett’s unique dancing style both intrigued and amused us.  When musician Peter Garrett became a politician, he no longer danced. He couldn’t because his bed was burning.

Are you the one that’s ready with a helping hand,
Are you the one der begreift these family plans?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GULW1sOpzo

In 1992 a group of us drove all night to go to the inaugural Broome Stompen Ground Festival.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHYbwHTGOv4

Scrap Metal and Yothu Yindi were there. The Warumpi band had reformed to be there. ABC TV was there and Australia got to celebrate and embrace Aboriginality. And we were there and we got to sing and dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3RAPV7p-nc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XH3E22JAQo

Micah and myself used to drive into Alice Springs to take part in the Monday night jam-session at the Riverside Hotel featuring the Booze Brothers. We’d run into other Aboriginal musicians such as Sammy Butcher and Frank Yamma that would travel large distances to be there. We’d fire up the mostly white audiences and get them to get up and dance. On one occasion I walked in and the bouncer made a gesture acknowledging my naked (I didn’t have a case) trumpet. When I looked back I saw Micah held up at the door. By coincidence my entry had resulted in “a full house”. My offer to swap places with Micah as he was “a far better musician” bounced. I insisted on talking to Herman (the Booze Brothers musician in charge) and we somehow managed to squeeze Micah into the full house. Micah didn’t play or dance that evening.

Some years later our son Joseph went to an Alice Springs music venue. His friend Grant was refused entry on the basis of the clothes he was wearing. They retreated to their car and swapped clothes. To no avail, Grant was again refused entry.  When Mark Twain said: “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society”, he left out skin colour!

I forget exactly when but in Yuendumu we were treated to a concert that featured both Slim Dusty and Yothu Yindi. A veritable musical smorgasbord.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUi2Ae0ksxE

Before you object to the last verse “ his skin was black but his heart was white” keep in mind Louis Armstrong’s Black and Blue “I’m white inside…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSjH1h7-m5E

It is all a matter of context and sentiment.

A state funeral was held for Slim Dusty in 2003. He was 76.

A state funeral was held for Yothu Yindi’s lead singer, Mandawuy Yunupingu in 2013. He was 56.

In the film No Name No Blankets Rachel Perkins tells of when George Rrurrampu died in 2007 (he was 50) a phone call to the responsible minister suggesting a state funeral was responded with “We don’t hold State Funerals for musicians”

The ethnocentric assimilationist interventionists that are intent on Closing the Gap (instead of Bridging it), don’t dance. They don’t begreif much.

If they have their way, …there will be NO dancing.

नृत्य पर रखें
Frank
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-eqrc_jVVA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWYUsKCYPLg

Leadership. Another shining example of Queenslands predominance ” Uber alles”.

We’re  with Fraser Anning, on this un. WE at pcbycp have never ever heard of the term “Final Solution”. And we’re so suprised that Mrs Coldtarts effort to get a pie warmer installed in the office kitchen has raised such an uproar. 

Oratory skills practised from this bloke. LNP Fundraiser Silvio Machete.

It happened last week. In order to cope with the mountain of letters we get from the public congratulating us on our merger with the Nine Group, we’ve had to upgrade the kitchen and install some mod-cons to cope with the journalists, well- wishers and general public who just want to come along and experience the gemutlichkeit, (we’d never heard that word before) of being part of pcbycp. We were also quite surpised when Mr Cricklade our typesetter, filled out a quiz (adjacent the crossword) for a government grant to help with retraining foreign workers. WE were quite surprised when we got five hundred million dollars, (no strings attached),  from the Federal Government. That has helped with raising money for the pie warmer, and allowed us to think Big. “REALLY BIG”, about doing something about the cockroaches in the kitchen. 

You see ever since we employed Mohammed Farkin-ell as the kitchen hand things have gone from bad to worse. Mr Wanslitt the letter opener reckons it’s because Mohammed is sloppy with the left overs, and Mrs Crinklade had heard that “they” don’t prepare vegemite sandwiches the way ordinary folk do. All along the cockroaches were getting worse. Just the other day Miss Adjunct found one in her tea, and the final straw came when Lawrie opened up his Best Bets and the form guide had been eaten right through by cockroaches. So we had a meeting and decided the best way to deal with the problem was invest the five hundred million in getting new staff, a helicopter and invite captains of industry to have a party with us. WE chose a remote location, cos we wanted it to be exclusive, and had a great weekend. Though we can’t remember what happened when we got back. 

Blokes you can Trust! And the bloke on the left only got nineteen first preference votes.

Clarrie had been through enough, and Mohommed was sent packing. He reckons his “ilk” have no place in ‘Straylia’, and who are we to disagree? He reckons they’re responsible for the plague of cockroaches and we need to set up a place of concentration, a  “concentration camp” for “his ilk” before setting them off anywhere else. He reckons the cockroaches and the likes of Mohammed are linked. He says that’s the finding that came from the research provided by those nice people in the IPA who came along on the junket to that island off the Great Barrier Reef. 

Dunno who these blokes are. But we’ve heard they knocked off the cockroach problem and made the trains run on time. Possibly cos they wore flash Border Force Uniforms.

We’re all relieved. Not just a final solution, but a simple solution. He also reckoned we should annexe, (peacefully) New Zealand. He liked to call it an ‘Anschluss’, (never heard that term) and we could get is started by burning down the Parliament and blaming it on Mohammed and his ilk. We think it’s a cracker of an idea. And with the money, we have bought some rocks to throw at shop windows. Shops only owned by “them”. It’ll keep “Us” pure he reckons. Cos it’ll keep the “ untermensch” (never heard that term) out once and for good. 

And protect us from the cockroaches.

A final soution. 

Really can’t see what the fuss is all about. 

Ordinary, (poor) Australia Shops here!

We pay politicians good money and know they get the benefit of annual wage indexation , a benefit that ordinary wage earners may dream of, to tell it straight.  That’s what we pay them for.  And we’re glad to report that our favourite Aussie Battler politician, Mr Barnaby Joyce is at it again. Giving  the electorate a dose of reality. 

Barnaby knows what the average Australian is thinking. He knows the meaning of average. Not just because he stays in rent-free digs, has a HUGE parliamentary allowance for this “that and the other thing’. And the “other thing” is what ordinary blokes think. He’s spot on. Though he’s never lived as an ordinary bloke, safe, sinecured and superannuated. He dons his hat that’s as big as Queensland, and “Bingo”, he’s a conduit for ordinariness. 

This man represents poor Australia. His colleagues nod to the wisdom that poureth forth. And he wears a hat as big as Queensland.

And we applaud him. On Climate change. On the Great Barrier Reef. On the Murrary Darling. Land clearing anywhere, he knows what ordinary blokes think.  They’re with Barnaby on this one. They don’t care. You see Barnaby reckons blokes in pubs, ordinary mum and dad Australians don’t care when theyre shopping at K Mart about energy. He knows that whatever goevernment of any description do , the masses just take it up the arse. Like Huge Energy bills derived from the idiocy of neo-liberalist ideology. They’re happy that successive regimes of ideological idiocy have skewed the energy debate for their own very short term interests. Interests that having nothing to do with good governance. Rent-seeking interests. Barnaby’s glad as a consequence, ordinary folk are paying a fortune. Like Barnaby, Keeps them humble. And greatful for his wisdom.  

So when Barnaby tells is that people who shop at K mart, (you will not find an Akubra there) and when he goes to the pub, (not to drink with the locals, because he’s not one of those) he knows what’s good for them. And he wants them to know that they don’t care about energy policy. They, unlike Barnaby don’t get the benefit of mates in the coal industry to pay for their business class trips and present their ideology at climate forums for looneys. But though these poor people shop at K Mart and Barnaby identifies with them, he knows that they hate anything green, or progressive or forward thinking. 

Man of Wisdom winking to the electorate. A signal that he understands their poverty, and would try it if he weren’t so important.

Cos barnaby knows they hate CHANGE. And they’re Poor. And even if they go broke cos the government doesn’t give a stuff about ordinary people, Barnaby nows they’re safe, smug and content, in poverty and ignorance. Cos Barnaby tells em so. 

And the coral polyps know. The suffocating fish in the Murray Darling basin know it. And the Forest creatures know it. That if you’ve got good mates like Barnaby, he’ll kill you to make the planet a better place for ordinary Australians. All of humanity  is sick from knowing stuff. Knowing about the environment, education, gay marriage, anyfink! Barnaby knows that if you shop at K mart or go to the pub, you’re fodder. Fodder for the man who pretends to know what you are, and puts your ilk into an accessible vessel. A basket of sorts. But what kind of basket you may ask?. 

Barnaby may know the answer to that,

Another Great Australian politician who identifies with ordinary Australians.

But its deplorable. 

. 

(This is the first part of  Musical Dispatch from the Front of 6 October 2013.  Use Google Translate for text you cannot understand.)

शुभ दिन अपने दोस्तों और अन्य लोगों

Unlike many of my Aboriginal friends, neighbours and family, my father lived to a ripe old age (91). He grew up as a Dutch child in pre-war Germany. His ‘native’ command of the German language stood him in good stead and on several occasions saved his life in occupied Holland.

I remember asking him (in Dutch) what he thought of the (first) Iraq war, which had just broken out. He answered me in German:

“Wie man in den Wald hineinschreit, so schallt es wieder heraus” (As you shout into the forest, so it echoes back out)

A favourite German expression of dad’s was ‘Man muss dass können begreifen’ (an imperative: one ought to/should be able to understand that)

Before babies can walk and talk they will ‘bob’ to music. No matter what their skin colour or the language spoken by their families, they dance to music, any music, before they can speak and sing.

Music and dancing transcends race and culture.

I remember old man Granites doing a very graceful dance with a spear in our lounge room at my birthday party. Emanating from our record player were the Rolling Stones. His mates were clicking boomerangs.

Even if not a single word is understood music can ‘speak’ to you, it can make you get up and dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBCytQZvOMo

For my birthday Jon Altman gave me a copy of his latest book: ‘Arguing the Intervention’.  The front cover painting is by Chips Mackinolty. He painted it in 2007 as his response to the Intervention. It is titled ‘…and there will be NO dancing’ Ich begreife dass.

Recently on ABC TV the film ‘Big Name No Blankets’ was shown, it is  a documentary on the all too brief life of George Rrurrampu. George came from Elcho Island. His mother tongue was Gumatj. It is not well known that before joining Sammy Butcher and Neil Murray and others as lead singer in the newly formed Warumpi Band in 1980 he lived in Yuendumu. He learnt Warlpiri and rendered a number of ‘Top End’ stories into Warlpiri readers for the bilingual programme. These booklets are much liked by Warlpiri children even today on the few occasions they get to see them.

George sang with the Poor Boys, one of several bands that had sprung up in Yuendumu. Our open garage with its extension lead power hosted a large number of young musicians (mostly men). Wendy at school staff meetings was often urged to tell the musicians to turn down the volume, or to turn off the power. She suggested they should ask them themselves. “But it is your power!” she was told. Schoolkids would surround our garage and dance. The volume remained. Wendy did not feel the urge to abuse her power. The garage is no more, the Department of Education replaced it with a security cage to lock your vehicle in.

Nine could be “well served” by taking a leaf out of the Murdoch press.

And this letter from Iver Beddinsore:, “Good on the Federal Government for making it easier for big businesses to get BIGGER. As a consequence they need HUGE TAX CUTS!. And we would like to thanks Fairfax management for making it HAPPEN!

The Murdoch press leads the world in quality hard hitting investigative journalism.

I want it to be taken on notice, the people in my special accommodation home applaud the takeover of Fairfax by the Nine network. For too long we’ve complained about articles that take more than ten seconds to read. Of particular distaste are articles that don’t have picture of a near naked female, a battered wife or a suspect with “Rapist” superimposed over the top. 

We find the Fairfax committment to quality journalism skewed against attractive radio and TV personalities. For instance we were very glad that Michelle Grattan left Fairfax so that someone much better looking could take the reins. And now with Fairfax being subsumed, we can now expect it to look like the Murdoch press with informative articles. Articles based upon what people really want.  On clean coal. The Aussie cricket team. Home improvement, and where to get bargains at Chaddie.

Worthwhile investigative stuff like “Sixty Minutes”, in which really important people like John Howard can give their view on life, politics and Australia’s bright future (for those prepared to work). Bit like Bob Santamaria used to do on ‘Point of View”. 

And facts you can TRUST!

That was the problem with Fairfax, it assumed that people wanted to be informed about corruption, conflict of interest and the concept of a “society”. When in actual fact people are more interested in shaming people who are different, don’t like footy and may wear head scarves. Nines’ policy is  simple. “ Others” don’t exist. Nine values the status quo, and is committed to keeping everyone ‘ SAFE”, In a nine-ish sort of way. 

WE have some tips for the Age and the Sydney Morning Herald. Sack your journalists and employ entertainers. On that point Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt are entertaining. It’s not what they say, but how they say it. We need more of that on telly and more of it in the papers and besides; “who reads papers anyway”? 

And pushing for equality, and representing the opinions of minorities.

A lot of the stuff you read in newspapers is boring. The Fairfax crowd could offer so much more on home improvement, decoration ideas for the kiddies bedroom, and what to do for your daughters eighteenth. And much better coverage of what telly stars and movie stars are doing as news.  Channel Nine executives have done more to lift people out of poverty than any government program. Take the reality show “Apprentice”, “Australian Ninja” and  “Master Chef”, It gives people a real lift, and a chance to have themselves valued by the public for what they are. How they go about cooking presents “VALUES” . Which in turn inspires  us all through product endorsement, media guest spots, advertising and franchise marketing opportunities, That’s news. 

And all the rest, we’re very glad to say is HISTORY!

Yours Iver Beddinsore c/o the IPA P.O Box 666

As promised, (dear reader) another helpful suggestion from a correspondent from the near north Elvis Presidente. In this spirited missive he points to an entirely innovative way in which Fairfax may re- equip its stable of journalists, and give them the means to literally “Fly”.

Fairfax journalist admires  weekly salary post Nine merger.

I think you’ll agree this suggestion, clearly and succinctly put should go to the highest level, and be a game changer for journalism and media coverage globally.

He writes:

‘Your perspicacity, Sir! Your almost ineffable perspicacity, Sir, is easily comparable with that  final arbiter, that veritable fount of illimitable illumimation, the very Delphic Oracle itself. (Cackling and dessicated harridans, given to gibberish, notwithstanding)….

It has occurred to me, in one of those moments, those sublime moments, given only to the Illuminati, that there may be, should the slightest flaw (an unthinkable eventuality)be discovered in your Morse Cordial plan, that a possible alternative might be considered.

You might remember, in the distant past, that whenever one made a purchase at a reputable department store such as David Jones or Harrods, by an ingeniously intricate overhead means, one’s cash and invoice was conveyed by overhead wires to a central point, where, having  verified the transaction, ones change and receipt were returned to the purchaser, in a tightly sealed container, on the same wires.

Well now, and if you are still with me,  I would dare to suggest, to propose, as ’twere, that this system might, in secret, be expanded into the Great Outdoors. Consider this:

All over this country, by every road, field and, (god help us) super highway, there are wire-strung telegraph poles. It would surely be possible, by nocturnally surreptitious means, to convert this massive complexity to carry our  Harrodian style message to the far and nether corners of this land.We would of necessity, be required, should our shuttling containers arouse the interest of the authorities, to disguise our intententions. This might take the form of an aerial luncheon delivery service, or even urgent medical supplies.(re-cycled prophylactics perhaps might deter more intimate investigation)

To bring about a central dissemination of information centre, would only require a body of look-a-like Council workers, in concert with appropriate equipage. Nobody would raise a single suspicious eyebrow should a telegraph pole or two appear unexpectedly here or there, particularly as there is so much incomprehensible NBN work going on all round us.

Planned central receiving station for messages being trialled at Asio headquarters. (Photo Courtesy Peoples Republic of China).

I believe these ideas have merit and would be grateful for your views. I feel, also, however, that yours is a masterly plan, and as such, is incapable of failure.

El Presidente

10 Sweeney Court Body Corp.

Letters have been pouring in on how to cope with media non Fairfax. 

And it’s gratifying to see just how many of our readers are abreast of the latest technologies and media production and are full of stimulating ideas on how we should adapt to this new era, moving forward. WE apologise for using the term “moving forward” as it bespeaks of “managerialism” and we don’t believe our readership needs to be insulted by such weasel words, but by doing so we demonstrate our credentials in being able to disciss with some measure of authority without question. And besides, if we don’t use terms such as “moving forward” our advice will be unnaceptable to the accountants and merchant bbankers who now run NINE. And that would diminsh the quality of expert thought at thier disposal. And thus be passed onto you the reader. With dire results.

Fullerphones at work. Keeping our telecommunications in OUR HANDS!

And here’s just two that we’ve sent on to the nine executive team and know that without a scintilla of doubt they will take it on. The first is from Penleigh Postlethwaite of Punchers Rd Freckleton. Penleigh writes:

‘The problem with newspapers is that they’re written on Paper. That’s expensive and not good for the planet. Plastic aint good either, and we’re awash with it. There has to be a better way, and surely, the Fairfax Board aint blind to imagination and ‘pushing the envelope’.

Though typesetters, compositors, die cutters, machinists and paper boys are a thing of the past I believe there is a bright future for wireless delivery of newspapers as Morse.

Madge Coldtartt. Our pcbycp telephonist now working for Nine. (happily)

Each house would have a morse teleprinter, and children would be weaned from their electronic devices to decode the morse messages and convert them into beautiful, (special tuition would be required) copperplate handwriting.

With the rebirth of these skills, we would subvert, in the nicest possible ways the mendacious megalomania of that scoundrel Lord Rupert of everything.

And in doing so establish the worlds most complete Morse Super Highway.

And stop in their tracks the nefarious Chinese from intercepting our media and infiltrating our intelligence services.

And, this is the stunning bonus, give a whole new generation of young Australians a skills set that are unique. And in one fell swoop, destroy the monopolisitc tendencies of those who would mould our thoughts and make us think in plastic.

Attractive females increasing readership by reading the weather report off a blue screen. Nine proving its capacity to employ people from diverse backgrounds.

Another demonstration of Nine’s committment to diversity. This lady journalist may not be married.

I am working on an up-dated morse teleprinter and fullerphone receiving station at this instant and may require additional input. And it is in my opinion as a core selction criteria for our startup receiving staion that we require very attractive females who can both give and receive important messages. This is an unlterable fact.

Nine cannot fail us!! For they have in my humble experience tirelessly and courageously  presented the news and current affairs in  a most satisfactory and even handed manner. With very attractive females presenting the weather, and light hearted moments of news coverage. This is a pure demonstration of quality journalism.

May Kerry Packer rest in eternal pieces.