by Quentin Cockburn

I have a confession to make. I’m an addict. ‘No’! I decry, It’s not sex, alcohol, (well a tendency towards) and it aint gambling. Life’s’ a gamble enough. Nope. The truth of it is i’m almost addicted to Ebay.

But I’ve tamed my addiction. It’s almost symbiotic. I go to Ebay when I’m in need of spiritual nourishment. Ebay promises to me an eternal realm filled with all the impractical things that I love.  At home, during the week, (in my mothers spare room, can you picture anything more ghastly?) I finish whatever passes for work and indulge in a little bit of ‘Ebaying’.

It’s harmless fun, and naturally I can’t afford most things.  But you see I don’t want anything new.  Heaven forbid! It’s not ‘stuff’ I’m interested in.

I’ll explain it to you.

Over the past three decades I have cornered the market. The budget conscious post war English car market. My earliest memories are tinged with fond recollection of the day the  Morris Minor broke down trying to get up Bradford Road, Mt Martha in ‘65. The bloke from the garage offered mum 15 pounds for it.  She took it enthusiastically, both of them probably thought; “Now ‘ere’s a right Charlie”. I was also rather fond of the Ford Anglia, (now popularised by Harry Potter) that dad drove. I loved the EH Holden Station  Wagon for it’s brutishness, hot bench seats and pressed metal dash. I loved all of them for their utility, their function  and their flaws. So I have collected those cars which became part of my introduction to life, the Morris J van, the Mini Moke, the Morris Minor and an Austin A30.

Because of this I love Ebay. It’s like wilderness. You may not necessarily indulge in it,  but it’s the knowing that it exists that nurtures the soul. For instance, did you know there was a perfectly reasonable Ronaldson Tippet 3.5 hp stationary kerosene engine for sale last week? It was passed in. Can you believe it?  The same week, and I kid you not, a Willesco marinendampfmaschine, (marine steam engine) in mint condition in its original box, went for $102.00. New it’s north of Four Hundred!!!.  Now this is fascinating stuff and I’ll tell you, because it’s all that you’ll never find at Bunnings. You’ll not find it at Chaddy either. It’s the heart and soul of a former era, the age of improvisation, fireworks and improvised fun. Before the puritans, the wowsers an the do-gooders banned everything.

Also, and this is important, Ebay takes fragments from your subconscious memory and revitalises those minds-eye images. It makes the surreal substance of memory and yearning real. It is a vessel for lost souls.

I am a vessel for fragments. I cannot remember anniversaries, appointments, and tax return details, but if someone tells me about the day their Austin Champ was stolen from their property I cannot erase the fact. I have an innate capacity for trivia, because I think it tells us more about ourselves than the shite you find in over- finessed resumes. You know; the sort that bad academics peddle about to assuage their relevance deprivation. The fact that once, when they were still quite young, and impressionable, they had, just fleetingly … an original idea.

You see what I mean?

So, the night before last I was trawling through Ebay,  past  the enchantment of Allen Auto Scythes, Howard tractors, Ransome crawlers, Bren gun carriers, and Morris 8’s when I distractedly went down Champ Lane, (renamed Champs der Ulysses) and came upon ‘surprise surprise’ Ebay item 20e416f683. Austin Champ. Curiously as they are quite rare,  this resided in precisely the same locale from the one I recall was ‘nicked’. I made some enquiries, and breathlessly made my way to Graeme’s office (for that is his name) and indicated the item. Tearfully, via the ethernet they were re-united.  It was touching, a pastiche of “Born Free”. Incredibly it’s the same Champ. Stolen seventeen years ago.

And now; like Ulysses…….Returned.

We drank to celebrate, concocted a savage plan for revenge, drank a bit more, and some more still and determined what to do… Absolutely nothing.  As Graeme opined, “they were never very good really’.

Theres still 13 hrs on the Ebay Clock… Someone, ring the seller, graeme-1969, (another eerie coincidence)  04177039798, and put a cat amongst the proverbial. He wants $2500.00 for it!!  A steal!  Go Orn!!  Do it NOW!!!