We’ve been inundated with requests from highly placed individuals seeking preferment and influence through our highly sought after ecumenical board games.
Dear reader we shall devote the next two days to singular issues which DEFINE the spirit of OUR TIMES!. And also to endorse Cecil’s sensible decision to re-read, (and it will be serialised) H.G Well’s portentous tome, “Things to Come”. Sadly Wells did not predict the about face by celebrated human rights lawyer Julian Burnside on his archaic, patriarchal, penis-wielding membership of an outmoded fetishistic all male club. “But Hey”, so are the members of most churches. And like the clubs they purport to support, all of them, (RATBAGS ALL) still receive tax free status.
So in celebration of this apostasy of faith we bring you just for your enlightenment, this fragment of our popular board games, and hope that a patron may yet be found to make them a reality.
Ladders and ladders
‘Ladder and ladders’ was an exciting initiative developed by the Catholic Education Office to give kiddies the opportunity to exhilarate in the rapid promotion then on offer in all branches of religious life. Instead of the snakes that would adorn the more standardised ‘Snakes and Ladders’, the board consisted just of ladders. However, between the ladders and the ultimate rise to the top, were little snakes configuring little circles. Within each circle an object, clearly visible” would indicate a “Sin”, a “Vile Act”, or a ‘Cunning little lie”. Each player had to traverse the series of ladders to the ultimate goal of being consecrated an archbishop, or in some instances, (a Cardinal). After the ascent of each ladder, the player was asked, by the other players, ‘what they had observed throughout the upward journey’? Those who provided the most plausible fabrication, without repetition, hesitation or departure from the subject were allowed to move on. Those who offered implausible excuses were relegated to the bottom. It was a game that required absolute skill in obfuscation, casuistry and deflection . No copies of the game survive, but it is rumoured some exist as preparation devices for politicians about to undergo senate and parliamentary entitlement hearings.
Backyard abortion
The medical kit (colloquially sold in the U.K as the Backyard abortion kit) was a very popular item. Sales soared during the ‘American flood” of 1942-45, and again during the Korean war, when unwanted pregnancies and the dire consequences became commonplace. Designed as an adjunct to the popular ‘Doctor and Nurses Kit’ the ‘Backyard’ offered some interesting and novel features. These included a length of rubber hose, a small jar, a small bottle of ether and a pair of forceps. This all came with an attractive, (as standard in Doctor and Nurses Kit) uniforms and fake moustache.
The kit was exceedingly popular in both Britain and Australia, as a consequence of being affordable. And a boon for children improvising with bomb sites and vacant allotments to extend their range of their ‘imaginative play’. In spite of numerous protests from splinter and church groups the game was seen as an ‘inoffensive mirror to contemporary life’, (Archbishop of Canterbury) and children enjoyed mimicking the ritual of “letting the doctor in the back gate”, ‘sterilizing the coat hangar” and ‘helping dad walk to the pub’, whilst the procedure was in progress.
Unfortunately, it became apparent at the Old Bailey that the notorious Mr Christie had adapted the kits for his personal use with dire consequences. The game was immediately banned as unsuitable, and all product destroyed, However it is rumoured the kit survives in Russia, with a minor change reflecting the current aids epidemic in the country. The only difference being the ‘Doctor and Nurses’ uniform is substituted for prison guard uniforms.
Julian pondering the imponderable. ” Is it Green”?
Newsflash. Just off the news desk a Cardinal has appeared in court on the charge of the inappropriate poking of a fireplace.. The magistrate is deliberating, and the celebrated human rights lawyer Julian Burnside Q.C is standing as a character witness, for his greatest Human Rights Advocacy, “Himself”