Dear reader, it is with some caution we bring you this recent conversation between two experts in the field of mortality. Grave Concerns indeed. From our esteemed Colleagues Ira Maine and Sir Atney Emo. Food for thought….. not worms as the bard would have it.
Firstly from B.O.Light The “Capsula Mundi’ is not an Italian once a week pill to stop you getting pregnant, but the latest politically correct, ecologically sound method of burial. They put you foetally in a rottable sack, dump you in a hole in the ground, and plant a tree on top of your head. Your formerly precious personal bits apparently then become a tree.
Becoming a tree seems a lot more fun than sitting in some barren graveyard surrounded by weeds, rotting iron and tumbled headstones. A forest fed by the dead seems an excellent idea to me. And, if you’ll forgive the blasphemy, it also means you’ll remain splendidly erect for years! “When I am dead and in my grave and all my bones are rotting,
I hope that you’ll remember me when I am quite forgotting.” B.O. Light. To which a certain Hanibal Lectern replied Antoninus, What? No sage?, no apple sauc
e, made from the sharply flavoursome Bramley apple? Anyway, we are not at all sure about this. After all, we don’t know where you’ve been. However, being aware of your vast fortune we could perhaps put this to one side for a moment and instead consider how we are to proceed. Here at Soggy Bottom, if an animal is to be readied for a feast we spend a fair amount of time feeding the creature the very best available tucker. Having rested the beast for an hour or two, we then get the hired help to chase the bastard endlessly round the paddock. This quickly sloughs off excess fat and helps build up the taste and quality of the meat. Regular purgations, by way of vigourous enemas are then employed to cleanse the bowels and to avoid the possibility of contaminating the meat. Then finally the animal is allowed one last bout of rumply pumply with, in your case, the boar. We find this last service adds an almost indefinable finish to the taste and flavour. Should you care to present yourself in good order at these premises and are prepared to fit in with these arrangements your desires might easily be accommodated. Regular exercise and purges usually last for a month at least.. If for whatever reason, and after your due time has passed, you have not passed away naturally, other, more permanent arrangements can be organized. Providing this final service comes at an extra charge and is, of course usually arranged as a surprise. Cannibal Lectern
The Human Dinner Company.
The rejoinder from Sir Atney Emo.
Esteemed Chasps, Who can tell what our future options might be? There was news on the Teeve the other day that an Italian surgeon has plans to transplant a living head to a brain-dead, but living, donor body. (And no, his name was not Dottore Vittorio Franco di Steino!). For myself, rather than becoming a woodenhead, I quite like the idea in the 1,800-year-old satirical novel The Satyricon, written by Petronius Arbiter. Harried during his declining years by importuning legacy hunters, the aging and wealthy Eumolpus stipulated in his will that they could only inherit a share of his wealth if they consumed his entire body! As you would have expected, the famous director, Federico Fellini made much of this interesting dining experience in the closing scene of his film version of the book! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0L-iJGFRzE I think that this would be an efficient and thoughtful exercise in recycling and, if anyone is interested, I am prepared to instruct hospital staff at the time of my expiry to pour some chablis into my catheter drip feed – and insert, per rectum, a suppository or sachet of thyme and rosemary. (Garlic cloves, only upon request – but definitely no chillies!) Otherwise, we could look to the refrain sung by those 1960s troubadours, The Irish Boggers (the Reidy Brothers and Tony Eames): “When I am dead, aye, and in my mould At my head and feet, lave a flowin’ bowl!” But enough of this morbid talk! We are yet young and our best years still lie ahead. Carpe diem and all that tommy-rot… Sir Atney Emo, VD & Scar