Though things are not looking good at Fairfax. We have been told that with the federal budget an allowance has been made to re-train a new category of unemployed, the ex-Fairfax journalist. This exciting initiative has been sponsored by Border Force and the Queensland Labor Party who are keen to get Fairfax journalists opportunities to provide positive stories on both Nauru and Manaus Island and the Adani Coal mine.

And singularly to assist the federal government in fighting the scourge of drug- affected dole recipients. Both Minister’s Dutton and Frydenberg were on hand to congratulate the board of Fairfax for allowing ex Fairfax employees this opportunity to boost their “ employability” by retraining them as waste water analysts.

Dole Bludgers. Righteous indignation.

In a budget paper lockdown the Treasurer Mr Morrison outlined his innovative plan; ‘Yes indeed these journalists used to cause us quite a bit of stick by looking into our affairs, and I can tell you it caused us some considerable discomfort. Often they would go beyond their journalistic briefs by looking into things such as the portfolio of investment properties and other colourful investment schemes. With the “You-poo” and the “My-wee” investigation we will enable these journalists to fully implement their investigative skills in tracking down drug affected dole bludgers. They have the capacity to transform the lives of the long term unemployed and get them off the scourge of drugs. And in doing so these bludgers will be punished, their access to unemployment benefits removed and their eligibility for training schemes curtailed. This will be a boon for the prisons and justice systems in every state of the commonwealth and ensure that our streets the only place left for these malcontents to roam. And in doing so we’ll bring the scourge of drugs out into the open.

This programme is a world first. For a start we shall be installing our analytical equipment only in very poor and disadvantaged areas. We acknowledged that there may be significant drug taking in the higher echelons of the judiciary, advertising, medical and stockbroking fraternities, but they are the right drugs, and as enablers allow them to perform their duties unaffected.

Toilets at Centrelink will be screened.

We have clear indicators that the Fairfax journalists will have the aptitude to test both the recipients of welfare for drug taking and un-Australian activity and isolate the source of affected waste water.

And this waste water can then be used to stimulate growth in some of the highly successful aquaculture schemes at work in Tasmania, where there is a significant correlation between unemployment and highly drug enhanced waste water. For aboriginal communities their basics card will be tongue activated, to ensure that only drug and alcohol free withdrawals can be made by tongues, and we’re trialling an electric shock component to stimulate an appropriate reaction.

By the year 2020 unemployment amongst the drug affected will cease. Ultimately this will have a significant impact on our triple bottom line. Thats a win win scenario. And it comes with the added bonus. It’ll boost our credit rating.