From our humanitarian correspondent; Q. Cockburn.
It is with considerable and justifiable pride we proclaim the launching of Australia’s first ever Super Dooper Immigration Processing vessel. ‘HMAS Punishment’. Speaking at the launch the Immigration Minister, The Rt. Hon. Peter Dutton M.P, beamed at reporters proclaiming, “Once and for all, Australians can be proud. Our credentials as a humanitarian nation are well and truly secured. This is truly a red letter day for both shipbuilding and innovation. I can say without any contradiction that this ensures our promise to ‘Send the boats back’ is resolute and final. To a thunderous applause from the shareholders of Serco and Transfield, the Halliburton modified HMAS Punishment is truly awe inspiring.
HMAS Punishment at work processing. Crew 6. Capacity, up to 25000 Illegals. Converted Live cargo vessel. Note use of Bow grinder and on stream suspected Illegal processing teeth. Long line, SIV collection at stern, and as photograph was taken a returnee life boat system,‘SEBWTCF’, “Send em back where they came from” (green indicates Iraq) jettisoned from launch tube.
The designer, Mr Ken Oath O.A.M of Bruteforce (formerly Australian Customs) described the vessel as ‘truly integrated’! This is not as some describe it, a “Prison ship”, but a fully automated client resource centre. ‘Where once we had to deal with arrival, processing, selection and rejection, integration and the tedious and expensive corollaries of running Manaus Island, Nauru and Laos, and input from legalistic troublemakers we can do it all in a one stop shop’. ‘This vessel doesn’t just hold em, it’s a people orientated processing plant’! The vessel itself is stupendous. “We had a logistics problem and no easy solution. We were sending off sheep and beef in live cattle transporters, and they were coming back empty. This was bad news for business and bad news for Shareholders. With ‘The Punishment’ we can now pick up illegals on the way back, process and return them before we arrive at the Mainland. They get the benefit of a safer and humane passage, get to clean the mess left behind by the livestock, whilst we get the benefit of processing and the bounty to Serco and Transfield shareholders that flows. He described the process as thus… ‘We intercept suspected illegal vessels at sea. Their boats are pulped and crushed in this plant here. We convert it to reusable funky fashion footwear. It’s a sort of Rubberized, fibre hybrid, “the Lost Soul”. It’s selling brilliantly right across Australia. Comes in a range of visually enticing fashion colours that reflect our concern for humanity and safety. It Demonstrates the contribution these arrivals make to the Australian economy. Look here, I’m wearing them now’.
Mr Oath enthused, ‘We gather the “client” for processing through this duct here, (points to forward opening doors), or this adapted long line reel, and literally haul them in. Once on board, the clients are received by this on stream analysis system. It’s completely automatic and computerised. We call it the ‘Client Orientated Motion Belt’, C.O.M.B, and it literally conveys the product into these sorting bays. From here the clients are sorted.
On the floor of the processing facility. Screening, processing and delivery of Illegal entries into conveyor. Note colour coded-safety dispersal unit (SEBWTCF) on sub deck prior to launching.
We have several streams. Pointing to the empty conveyor, ‘W’? he laughed; “In the interests of equal opportunity we had one set up as “white” but we have no need for that as they arrive in the usual way. And besides ‘they’ don’t require processing. But this, here and here, (points to gantry) will process 1500 units per day. It can detect, (and I’m afraid the mechanism and program are classified) from an aggregate, terrorists, muslims, atheists, malingerers, leaners, losers, tainted, into this stream here. We can also detect through this system here, the ‘Optical Wealth Detector’, economic from political migrants. Their mobile phones, jewelry, designer handbags and false teeth are sorted into these bins here, on-sold and then deducted from the clients integrated processing account. We bulk bill them post processing. We can also, (points to smaller ducts and conveyor), process children, the elderly and the ill. The results of the analysis are gathered, and then categorized, sorted and then despatched, (points to row of super sized coloured life boats). Each boat is colour coded for distribution back to either Afghanistan, Iraq or Syria.
Client Resource Unit Enterprise Leader at work processing. Note adapted Cybernetic Thought Bubble, (Yellow and red dome), warning sensors, (Ear-like protuberances) and integrated phasar, taser, laser, capsicum, truncheon and dog whistle.
Asked by a Fairfax reporter, “but what about the ones who are deemed genuine refugees’? The Minister was quick to reply, “There is no such thing as a genuine refugee”.A processing facility worker, described as a Client Resource Unit Enterprise Leader, C.R.U.E.L (robots are genderless) described the process as; “all fun, make happy, joy”. The Minister, enthused; ‘and with a robotic workforce we can now safely say, that this boat neither rocks nor leaks’! Raising his glass it was “three cheers”, and “three bags full”!!
‘Hooray for Innovation. Hooray for Humanity, Hooray for Australia’!!