I am terribly disappointed with John Maynard Keynes. Oh I know, I know, the very length and breadth of the man’s achievements are, were and will be, always magnificent to contemplate, but that’s the point, the very nub of the matter. He was a MAN and should have known better. What a golden opportunity missed. He reformed the world, gave us the pension, the dole, bridled the banks and gave us the NHS.

Keynes National Health System, that splendid institution, nevertheless failed us by giving both free medical and psychological care to everybody except wankers. At an age when pulling your plonker took absolute precedence over all else, when (almost) spontaneous trouserwise explosions racked us by the hour and a barely bared bosom at the pictures provided enough stimulus for a week of guilt-filled joy, John Maynard Keynes is distressingly silent. Of all people, he must have been aware of the pure sexual hunger that young people are seized with in those early years yet he made absolutely no provision at all to deal with this condition. The guilt-wracked, sheet-stiffening fraternity were  summarily abandoned, their needs ignored, their disgraceful habits banished to the bog, bath or bedroom.

How much nicer would it have been if at this period of one’s life, a gap year had been introduced to allow for one’s initiation into the esoteric mysteries of rumply-pumply. All tribes seem to have ceremonies of this type and First Communion and Confirmation are, one is forced to admit, no substitute for a properly organised, first-time bout of amateur coitus.

I suggest that if the aforementioned gap year were introduced into schools, the serious business of how to get one’s rocks off would be dealth with at a much earlier time and the serious, vastly important business of one’s responsibilities towards one’s sexual partner might be made plain to all.

Out go the desks, in come the mattresses and let the frenzy begin!

‘Smith Minor! You silly boy, that’s her navel!’

‘Jones, Jones, stop that at once, you disgusting little boy!’

‘Oh God, Pell, not in her bottom!’

‘Excuse me Sir, should I increase the stroke?’

‘Miss Calvert! Full marks for enthusiasm, dear girl, but  this is the ‘Missionary Position’ class!’

What fun!

Enemer