The former Minister for the Arts, George Brandis. Wisely re-directed funding from Balmain basket weavers and rat-bag intellectuals.

(the following is an extract from a dinner held at the IPA by Mitch Fifield Federal Minister for the Arts)

‘The Federal Government is really serious about ideas and innovation. There’s no Olympics in the Australian arts scene, and no medals either. Lest we forget. Bradman, Pharlap, and Shane Gould as the Gold standards of Australian Culture.

The new forward looking Minister for the Arts Mitch Fifield. Every Australian Counts, and pouring money into the Arts makes no Cents.

I’m glad that theatre managers, writers, playgroups, thinkers and talkers, (the chattering classes) are de-funded. It’s the problem with the arts sector. If you fund them they’ll demonstrate an obtuse lack of gratitude and start indulging in satire and other grotesqueries of the human condition. No sooner than you say ‘de-funded’, you, the benevolent, kindly government , paid for by the taxpayer, will be an object of ridicule.

‘The Song of the Sentimental Bloke’. ‘There is still room in modern Australia for new interpretations of old theatre’.

Film in Australia is proof perfect of this, Since the generous tax dollars were removed we’ve returned to sure- fire winners, Mad Max, and films about kelpies and what we know of ourselves as decent clean living people, who live in the bush, will lend a mate a hand and know how to tell a square bloke form some lefty leaning (most probably foreign) wanker. These are the values of mateship, the values we want to enshrine in our national destiny.

The true cultural narrative of Australia, Glorious heroic sacrifice and the flame of youth that is eternal, blah blah blah..

That’s why the arts bodies scream blue murder about their de funding. They’re too pooncy to go it alone, and stand on their own. As a government we say ‘look to America pursue philanthropy’ (though it’s lacking in Australia), the several philanthropic trusts in this country may pick up the slack and may generously fund new interpretations of proven winners. Plays like ‘Summer of the Seventeenth Doll’, and ‘The Song of the Sentimental Bloke’. There is still room in modern Australia for new interpretations of old theatre. That’s why the Australian War Memorial keeps getting a funding increase, because it’s narrative is central to the story of Australia. A narrative we all know, of bold sacrifice, and heroism in defending our shores. True stories drawn from the broad reach of Australian history. We identify with the struggle that made us great and noble. Sadly, whenever you give cash to writers, without certain strictures, they’ll go lefty and tell you that we’ve hijacked the story to project an overt, militaristic, jingoistic narrow view, of who and what we are. Some of them, (without clearly defined boundaries) even want to include native Australians into the narrative. It’s quite frustrating.

A National Cultural Treasure. Pharlap the Stuffed Horse.

I’m glad as Minister for the Arts we’ve siphoned off all that taxpayer money to choose, the institutions worthy of funding. I like Ballet, it’s not challenging, and though I do get a bit bored, it’s very very high culture, and it’s often nice to say you’ve been to the ballet. People see you as a person of cultural substance. Same applies to the Opera, it’ a cachet worth having. Glad there aren’t any cheap seats at the Opera, because the unrepresented scum would clap in all the wrong places, and create a mess in the stalls. That’s why I quite like Shakespeare, it’s a sign of some distinction to quote it, as the story is universal. You can bank on Shakespeare, and it’s old. Old as time, and works. The problem with contemporary theatre is that there’s no fun in it, you’re not guaranteed of a pleasant night out and a good laugh.

Blending Art and Culture. The AIS, Arguably, sculpture even uglier than that installed at Docklands

Contemporary art is risky, You can’t bank on it. I’ve got some lovely paintings in my board room, all done by dead and established artists. Their representatives, the gallery owners and dealers are grateful. Unlike contemporary artists who’ll expect to be paid, and then pursue copyright, as if they still owned it. I look forward to the Olympics. That’s money well spent, and for the public, it does an incredible dose of good to see ordinary Australians striving. They feel proud and the athletes themselves have a lifetime ahead of them endorsing products and corporations. And making money that they never return to the taxpayer. It’s the trickle down effect in motion. Why is it good? Because you can measure the benefit. Every gold medal is a triumph of the national soul. Gold bought and won by our collective endeavor.

There is no comparison. There are no gold medals for art and culture.

It’s fools gold. (thunderous applause)