Matt Canavan, Minister for Space, Coal and Sacred Queensland Values stands proudly in front of the Townsville Space Port.

Since releasing the images of “the Bradman”, Australia’s first ever coal powered interplanetary spaceship, we’ve been inundated with requests for more information. Respecting the great tradition that science knows no borders we have obliged with the following fragments that may asist in developing a more complete picture of the heroic task the Australian Government is about to undertake. 

Mr Canavan, Minister for Coal Futures and Space was proud to display the test rocket. 

Mars Base was originally going to be called “Abbott Point” in honour of his services to coal, but was overuled by “the creator” John E Howard.

‘Just like our greatest hero “the Bradman” is 99 percent Australian made. The rocket nozzles have been designed by Qualcast. The motors by Victa. The Martian explorer by Furphy, and reusable rocket pods as a joint venture by Coca Cola and Vegemite. Leaders in space nutrition. The astronauts helmets and suits were designed in co-operation between Prue Acton, and  Ken Done. A bit more colour for the red planet. 

First ever Coal Powered Interplanetary spaceship. A joint venture of Victa, Qualcast and Vegemite.

The rocket being fully coal powered is expected to get to Mars in 2029. The four year journey though longer than  the six months planned by our competitors will give the crew time to adjust to zero G and long periods of protracted boredom “just like living in Canberra”. It also gives time to convert the gas emissions to cleaner coal in the void of deep space. In doing so we’re contributing to the space enviroment and it is hoped that with terraforming and utilising the ancient organics locked deep beneath the Martian permafrost we’ll be able to do to Mars what we’ve already done to the Great Barrier Reef and the Murray Darling Basin. These tracts we can then terraform into new housing estates to prove that we’re not only leaders in space exploration but Real Estate subdivisions in the middle of nowhere. 

We plan to make Mars just like Australia. “Ramsay Space University” with attractive visa packages for overseas students will create rivers of gold to keep it sustainable.  And teach only western civilisation as seen by our creator John E Howard. The core principle, “No poofters, no wankers and no intelligentsia” will see it prosper without the input of troublemakers and ratbags.

Prototype Rocket Ship undergoing testing in a secret Queensland location.

We’ll be the first to export our values to the universe. And, (amid laughter) if there’s any indiginies on Mars the we wont make the same mistake, it’ll be full bottle Terra Nullius. 

Enthusiastic Queensland Young Liberals and Nationals patriotically volunteering to be on the first Mars Mission. To “create a better world”.

But seriously,  the real aim of the space base is to allow mining to go unimpeded by “Green Tape”. We have three mines proposed for the entire planet, “Rinehardt, Forrest and Palmer”. In recognition of the outstanding contribution these magnates have made to Australian society. And yes, they’ll put all the profits of this venture paid for by the Australian taxpayer into their own pockets. And, the silver lining? They have promised to set up philanthropic trusts to channel as much as one percent of their profit into pet projects, research into tackling domestic violence, poverty and the preservation of expensive cars. 

The honour of being first, to infinity and beyond we give to our creator, John E Howard. It is the great mans wish that the Mars Base be dedicated to his legacy.

To go where no man dares……… to the other side of everything’.