Anne Sudmalis. Alleged “woman” representing the Liberal Party.

Dear reader, we were delighted yesterday. It seems the ignoble, isolating, and remote task of maintaining a blog, a benign form of romantic delusional self indulgence, has just been given a lift. Just yesterday at 3.30 pm we were contacted by the Liberal party. A man, who’s wish is to remain anonymous, and represents the highest ranked offical within the party, commissioned us to do some ground- breaking research. Entrusting us to do something about the status of women!

In short we were flabbergasted, but deeply honoured. We asked him, after we had recovered from the shock, “Did the people from the Great Barrier Reef foundation respond in a similar manner when they had been awarded the five hundred million’? He replied, insouciantly, “Well, they took it in their stride. You see, the lobbyists that work for defence, energy and the environment ensure the “right stuff” gets bought. They know that with the right connections, they can assume the money will flow to the “correct” channels. That’s how funding works in government. We dont hand out to any ordinary charity. We hand it to the one where our mates are there to ensure it goes to the right mates. That’s what gave Australia Gallipoli and all that, the “Greatness of Mateness”. 

Well then why did you choose us? (we asked)

Two more women who’ve infiltrated the party and until recently gone undercover as BLOKES!

His answer was simple and straight to the point, 

Grant Shulz, who is to replace Ann Sudmalis. Real Estate Agent and Liberal POWERBROKER!

‘You are independent, and we’ve done a bit of research. You and your readership of three know what integrity is all about. We have no idea what integrity is. We asked the bloke who’s replacing Anne Sudmalis, and he reckons integrity is something to do about checking the section 18 before you sign off on a new real estate deal. He represents the new breed within the party, the Real Estate agent. But, though that’s our strength, real estate and vested interests, we absolutely, (and I’ve gotta be honest here), know fuck-all about women. We know less about women than we do renewables. And most of the backbench, have never heard of women doing much beyond ” home duties” also. Some of them reckon their mothers may have been women, but are not sure.  You see real estate is not like women. That’s why we like to source our new generation of representatives, either from the IPA, or Real Estate.  With Real Estate, you get the certainty.  With sheilas, (he corrected), with women, you never know which way the wind is blowing. 

Women are a bit like the Abo’s. You’d think they’d be a little more greatful for just being there and having a bit of money tossed in their general direction, and an army of bureaucrats making big money pretending to help. But it’s more complex than that. We find their ingratitude is at the heart of it.  And we want you to do some heavy duty fact finding. You are independent, don’t work with the certainty of  Real Estate, and may have a insight that could help us out.”

Apologies. The real Grant Schultz. Family man, Real Estate Agent, and Conservative non thinking person.

But, (we asked), Do you want women in your party?  “Not really, but that’s immaterial.  We’ve gotta look like we like women. It’s a bit like when we made Adam Goodes Australian of the year. Some of the blokes hated the idea, but it had to be done to show we were really keen on recognition. Even though we don’t want a bar of it. That’s why we made Tony, the special envoy for Aboriginal Australians, to show we had a sense of humour and they can choke on their fucking reconcilliation. Hadn’t laughed so much since Gough made Vince Gair special envoy to Ireland. 

Then he said, 

“You’ll get the money in installments. In plain envelopes delivered to your door. We’ve diverted money from the clean energy fund. We know you can DO IT’!!. 

And before we’d offered our thanks the phone went dead. 

To be continued…..