Today’s poem was first published on 5 May 2013

A Fowl Education.

When Miranda came round,she looked over my ground,
And pronounced it a haven of peace.
And she observed over tea, ‘Niall, between you and me,
What you need is a couple of geese’.

Taken somewhat aback, I tried to backtrack,
Though the notion was not unattractive…
Well,what can I say?, I could see right away
That I’d soon become goose interactive!

She’d hardly departed when my tools and I started
A superbly constructed enclosure.
Little did I suspect when Miranda came next,
Her goose bill would threaten foreclosure!

Well, it’s all now too late but what did eventuate
Really only crops up in a film,
But if my torments to cease, if I catch those two geese,
I’ll not claim’em, or tame’em, I’ll kill’em!

On a freezing cold night when the moon was alight
From the pen came this terrible roaring.
So I jumped out of bed and dashed down to the shed,
But both geese were asleep, gently snoring.
Full of mystified wrath, a sub-zero bath
Wasn’t something I’d usually have thought of,
But slippers on ice are an idiot device,
And I fell arse over tit in the horse trough!

Saturated, I screamed, my head hit a beam,
Semi-conscious, I dreamed my decease,
Then I fell to the ground, head pounding, half drowned,
And was immediately assaulted by geese!

Midst the frostbite and blood, I never thought I would
Ever again see my book-lined interior,
But it’s amazing the gain you can make over pain
With two geese trying to fleece your posterior!

Next day on the dam, they wrecked all my plans
To get them back in their enclosure.
Then one freezing day they rose up, flew away,
Leaving me hospitalized with exposure.

So, if your pride has been ravaged, your bum cruelly savaged,
Go scratch yourself on the verandah.
There’s no ambrosial tincture to succour the sphincter
That’s been thoroughly goosed by Miranda!.

IRA MAINE.  May 2013