Samaritan Turmoil

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DATELINE London, May 2014  “A bus ride to peril and beyond” The Age.
Passive Complicity Investigative Reporter Mervyn Twot sheds more light.
In response to the (Age reported, above) East London knife attack on a Melbourne man, South African authorities deny all responsibility in this matter.  Lawyers representing the government in Pretoria have made it known that they will be bringing the full force of the law to bear against those journalists who reported in the Age that this appalling atrocity occurred in South Africa’s East London, the erstwhile home of the South African Grand Prix.

The Age has since admitted that a typographical error may very well have given the impression that the original incident did in fact occur in SA.’s East London.  The Age has apologized to the entire population of South Africa, and has promised not to do it again.

In a statement to the press, Pik Van Der Merwe, personal secretary to the SA president, quoting Mr Paul Keating, had the following to say:

‘…The Age journalists,  ‘an unrepresentative swill’ in the ‘the arsehole of  the world’ should learn to keep their ill-informed, parochial mouths shut, at least until they know what (or where) they are talking about…’

Meanwhile, in response to the attack on a Melbourne man in east London (England’s capital city) who intervened when louts set about a mother and child the British Government had the following to say:

‘When Good Samaritan Tim Smits was brutally attacked on public transport whilst coming to the rescue of a woman and child, it very much made the Government aware that something urgent and substantial needed to be done  if bravery of this nature were to be encouraged rather than discouraged.

In light of this, and considering every aspect of this dire situation, where honest, decent, unarmed folk cannot go about their lawful business without fear of assault, the British Government has decided on the following:

Walther PPK1.  All property owning folk, of good standing in the community, (apologies for the tautology, Ed) will be issued with Walther PPK, a  semi-automatic assault rifle and ammunition.

2. Public Transport officials will henceforth be drawn from retired Special Forces personnel and will carry a Walther PPK hand gun at all times.

3. In cases of assault, the perpetrators, when caught,  will summarily be executed, there and then, on the first available platform. This will provide a powerful deterrent to would be attackers, especially if the cadavers are left on the platform overnight.

4. The lower orders will be required at all times to carry crowbars, bicycle chains, knuckle-dusters, etc,   Should these same lower orders, possessed as we know of questionable loyalties, contemplate any form of extra curricular public riot or insurrection, it might be more easily brought to heel by the upper echelons of our society, armed with superior British weaponry.
5. Finally, because of the substantial costs involved in these preventative measures, women will only be issued, as a last resort with a  corset of  bombs to wear which, upon detonation, should easily dispose of their attacker(s).These measures are as yet, still under scrutiny, are constantly under review, and are subject to change without notice.
Signed for HM Government.
Ronald Arthur Stanley Putin (no relation)