Dear reader, after a string of unfortunate incidents which were on the whole unfairly characterised in the press, we have worked tirelessly to assist the erstwhile member of Indi, Ms Sophie Mirabella in finding a new career.
We all agree that Ms Mirabella combines a formidable ambition, some intelligence and intensity of character that would be suited well to a career in corrections, deep space exploration, defense, aged care, and the vexed arena of aboriginal affairs. We need her expertise if Australia is to realise its potential under the ‘Ideas Boom’. As the P.M Malcolm Abbott stated, ‘ it’s an age of incredible promise and limitless opportunities limited only by our national imagination’. Sophie proved herself to be imaginative and calculating in her rise to the shadow front bench. We say; ‘Hide no longer your light in the shadows. Let your brilliance shine’. We’ve sifted through the job ads, and handpicked a few which we believe Sophie could turn into a promising and lucrative career path.
Position: Regional and Rural Specialist Outreach Residency Placement Manager
‘ Initiate creative solutions to long term care’.
Administering aged care is fraught, and special skills are required to manage aged care estates. We seek an innovative leader to provide creative solutions to both accommodation and estate management. Your role is to outsource and ensure that the prohibitive costs associated with aged care are contained. Initiate creative solutions to long term care. Upgrade of sheds, and sleep outs in the back paddock will be a core responsibility. Specialist skills in redrafting of wills and elevation of operatives to role of specialist executors and enduring power of attorney, remain as core function. The position is well remunerated with opportunities for travel and outstanding professional development.
Position: Commander Mission to Mars
‘We require a single minded, and determined individual to lead the first ever Mars expedition’.
We require a single minded, and determined individual to lead the first ever Mars expedition. The crew of five will be under your command. In the event of failure of propulsion or life support systems, as commander you are entrusted to select which crew member will be eaten or jettisoned. Preferment will be given to candidates who display an absence of compassion and psychopathic tendencies. Upon arrival on Mars you are to claim it on behalf of the Property Council of Australia. Exploit your crew as indentured labourers and you will share (for outstanding service) a percentage of windfall development opportunities
Position: Outreach Border Security Enforcement.
Despite turning the boats back, and prolonged detention, there is still a trickle of illegal immigrants desiring access to Australia. Your task is to visit communities in waiting and deter them from considering Australia as a ultimate destination. Your task is to communicate with these groups and impress them with the futility of their task. Individuals who display proven sociopathic tendencies are preferred. Destroy their will to live. Subject them to intimidatory and coercive manipulation and demonstrate a proven capacity for lack of empathy, and interest in subjects. The position is well remunerated and operate from our reception centres at Nauru and Manaus Island. Opportunities to travel to Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan to advance Australia as dispassionate, uncaring, isolationist and bloody minded.
Position: Aboriginal affairs, Regional leader ‘Dutton-Ville’
Plans are afoot to transfer indigenous corrective services (with entire prison population) to Mars after detailed analysis by the Minerals and Energy Council
The federal government seeks group leaders to maintain and direct the amalgamation of aboriginal outstations into one unified administrative and management hub. Dutton-ville, demonstrates the federal government’s capacity for moving forward, and ensuring that lifestyle choices of first australians are contained and administered according to world’s best practise. As manager your responsibility is to ensure that the entire male population is incarcerated, and the current ratio of up to twenty NGO’s per individual is raised by another twenty five percent. For establishing such efficiencies, you will be rewarded with a percentage of royalties after exploitation of recently vacated lands on behalf of the Minerals and Energy Council.
Position: Senior Fundraiser Manager Free Enterprise Foundation
ambitious, self serving, functionary to encourage funds transfer for the property sector into the Liberal party coffers
Exciting opportunity exists for an ambitious, self serving, functionary to encourage funds transfer for the property sector into the Liberal party coffers. Secrecy and discretion an advantage. Formidable talent in bullying, berating, and bludgeoning potential donors into acquiesence. Successful applicant needs to be resolute, single minded, and display narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. Remuneration will be performance based, and new avenues of funding to be secured from aged care sector, and superannuation funds management.
Postscript We hope that these represent just a fraction of the many exciting career paths that now lie open to Ms Mirabella after politics. And trust in the fullness of time her talents will establish her as an exemplar in this exciting new era of the “ideas boom”