By Ira Maine

I had passed the café several times, the establishment advertising the quality of their table service.  One day, I thought, I’ll test it out.  This service was only available between two and four in the afternoon, obviously something they could only practice in the lull following the lunch interval and before the madness of the rush hour had begun.  Seizing the bull by the horns, so to speak, and arriving during the designated period, I sat down eagerly and waited.

It was a gorgeous Spring day and I’d arrayed myself comfortably at an outdoor table, under the soft green shade of a Plane tree.  In a state of excited anticipation I spread my newspaper luxuriously, slipped on my glasses and was very quickly absorbed in an article devoted to the removal of significant stains from a tombstone.  The article proved to be a fascinating one which took all of my attention, and when I eventually looked up from my studied perusal, I found that almost twenty minutes had passed since I’d first sat down.

Strange, I thought, reluctantly removing my mind from graven images and addressing the case in point; if I’ve been here for twenty minutes, where  have all the waiters gone?  What about this establishment’s much vaunted table service?  Why was I not surrounded by waiters frantic to indulge my every whim?  What on earth had happened?

Perplexed and just a smidgen disappointed, I cast my gaze around in the hope that an effusively apologetic flunkey might materialise, bearing with him a liberal aperitif to set things to rights.  Sadly, no such occurrence occurred and the continued absence of table service continued to be palpably palpable.  There was not a waiter or waitress to be seen.  Surely, there must be some mistake, some reason, I mused, idly turning the page whilst at the same time, somewhat distractedly pouring myself a refreshing glass of water.

I never knew afterwards quite how it happened, or how much my state of distraction contributed to the events that followed.  All I can tell you is that as I turned the page.  I was presented with a shocking full page portrait of my theatrical Aunt Agatha in what can best be described as a provocative state of undress.  Aghast, I sprang to my feet, my shocked knees clouting the table, sending it spinning into it’s neighbour.  In a moment, and much too fast for me to prevent it, the empty tables dominoed, sending bottles, napkins and glasses crashing to the floor in a tsunami of broken glass and sturdily bouncing chairs.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, before smashed things had stopped tinkling, the place was alive with concerned persons racing about with mops and buckets, shovelling and sweeping, fixing and settling, whilst at the same time, with gritted teeth, casting withering glances in my direction.

‘Tell me,’ I asked angrily of the senior person who was now insisting I pay a recklessly inflated damages bill, ‘Tell me, what the hell happened here?  I came here to experience the particularly notable service you offer between the hours of two and four.  I sat here for half an hour and was not approached by a member of your staff in all that time.  What’s going on?’

The senior person looked blankly at me.

“Noteworthy service, Sir…?

‘…able.’ I replied, correcting the fellow and pointing accusingly first at my watch and then at the sign, ‘between two and four of the clock…’

The blank look held for a moment, then cleared, to be replaced by one which mixed triumph with blindingly patronising condescension.  A thin smile hovered.

‘The sign, Sir, reads ‘No table service’.  There might, I agree, be too little distance between the ‘o’ of ‘no’ and the ‘t’ of ‘table’, but only enough to cause amusement, and certainly not enough to cause even the most dull-witted fellow to sit here unattended for half an hour without investigation.  Now, if you would like to pay this trifling damages bill’

There are red-faced times in your life when you wish…

Scarlet and silent, I bitterly swiped my card.

Outflanked, chastened and poorer, I folded my chagrined tents and took my ignominious leave.