Of Au Pairs and Polo Playing

Letter to Mr Dutton.

Dear Peter, 

Pater and Mama are extwemely twoubled by your recent decision to allow “Fifi” our cousins au pair to stay on. In polo playing terms it’s just not FAIR. We alweady had a superb awwangement to keep Trixi-belle and Lulu our Spanish nannies stay over for the rest of summer, as Algernon and Hypatia have taken an interest in Spanish riding. 

Young Gillon was always spoilt as a child.

We have gone to  a tewwibly lot of twouble to build a new menage, stables and twaining curcuit, so that they may twain themselves for the international equestwian finals to be held in Toulon this October. By allowing Fifi to stay you have given Gillon an unfair advantage.  Surely with all his contatcs in the AFL he shouldn’t need your intervention as well.

You see, the awwangement was to have Ffi for just thwee months. But by keeping her on, we know that Gillons nieces, Alexandrina, and Persephone will get an unfair advantage. You see, (this may not have been obvious on her tourist visa) Fifi is a member of the famous Lipstadt school, an experienced and qualified wine taster, and we know she is staying at the Plyford Downer-Bonython’s for the long weekend. We now that she will be passing on her skills and giving Gillons nieces an unfair advantage. 

This is not Cwicket. 

Nice people play Polo

WE would like something to be done. 

In the interwests of a fair and twansparent immigration scheme, we demand that Fifi’s visa be cancelled. WE also demand, that Trixi Belle and Lulu be kept on for several years. They recieve no payment, wage or benefit other than the glory of serving our family. A family that has worked hard since settlement to get pweferrment, patwonage and pay you lot in the Liberal party quite a lot of money. Daddy says he’ll give you his entire stock of 54 Gwange if you do the right thing. If you don’t, you’re gonna find it pwetty hard to get your nephews, Brad, and Dwayne into St Peters. 

WE have our standards, Mr Dutton, and they cannot be lowered by cheap marketpace preferrment. That is not the way we do things in Adelaide. Those wough-house tactics may work for you in Queensland, but the plain paper envelope and cash is vulgar. And the talk in the club is that you’ll have to lift your game if ever you want to be the next GG.

Can’t you get our man in London to help on this vexed issue.

So, sit up and take heed. And for decency’s sake do the right thing and don’t give into that nice, (but spoilt) boy Gillon who’s had quiet enough and doesn’t need any more encouragement. 

I know that you’ll treat this letter with the utmost confidence, 

Daddy says he might even get you a membership to his favourite Golf club if you do the right thing. And he’s proud that there are no people of colour at work on the premises.

Yours sincerely

Squiffy

The Pryory

Mt Barker