The Shipping News.
by Ira Maine.
Reports are filtering through from our Rockall, Malin, Forties and Dogger branch of the Weather Bureau, (Hello to you, Fiona! And… what’s that? how’s your… y’don’t say? I hear you had a drop too much…what?… at the Ceilidhe, the dance …? Is that so? You don’t say! The twins as well…? Is it codding me you are? You never…. God, I can hardly believe it… the parish priest as well… no, surely not… what’s that? Wait a minute, now Fiona, steady on, remember where we are…what!?… for God’s sake, Fiona, anyone could be listening! FIONA!!)
We interrupt this broadcast with news of a strong low pressure system out in the Atlantic. This system is expected to move inland rapidly bringing with it gale force winds and waves in excess of three metres…..SIGNAL FADES…
‘Is that you, Father O’Kelly?… yes, Fiona told me, God, this line is shockingly bad, isn’t it? I could hear a couple of men talking in Gaelic a minute ago…a madhouse, I agree… no, not Gallic, Gaelic… yes I’m sure…what? do you think I don’t know my own…? Sorry Father, I’m a bit on edge… hang on, the other phone’s going… Hello, hello… what…what?…are you sure?…hang on there for a minute, don’t hang up… hello, Father O’Kelly?…Father O’Kelly! are you still there?.. what do you mean ‘of course’?…what do you mean by that? You could just as well have got sick of it and gone home… how was I to know? I apologise for appearing to be a bit short, especially with a man of the cloth, but there is a limit you know…resources are very stretched, as you know, and I’m doing all in my power to hold the thing together, keep a lid on…what? WHAT?… what do you mean, Father,’wasting your time’??…. WASTING YOUR TIME? What about wasting my time, what about that? Precious resources being locked up, important weather details, crucial to the safety of international shipping, put on hold, diverted to accommodate the wishes of our local cleric, and to make him aware that Mrs Sinclair, the Reverend’s cleaning lady, has just rung to apprise the Holy Father that the same Holy Father left the vestry door open, and his donkey and his goat, so necessary to the annual Christmas celebrations, are presently inside the vestry, reducing the holy vestments to flitters!!
I’m sorry …what was that, Father O’Kelly?…oh, charming, I must say, an absolutely charming rejoinder from the Holy Father…an elegant riposte, so expressively framed… AND YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF, AS WELL!!
No, no, Mrs Sinclair, not you! Oh my God, I forgot all about you!… that you should hear this…Oh my God….
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a news flash. The Weather Monitoring Station on Inishdove has been hit by a succession of lightning strikes which have temporarily disabled it. Repair crews are already on the scene, and we would like to assure the public that normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. The operator has been taken to hospital in a traumatised condition where he is being attended by his family and his local parish priest, Fr O’Kelly. The Reverend Father, wearing a permanent broad smile, seems just the man to help the poor traumatised victim pull through his terrible ordeal.