Our illustrious fashion and “occasional “wedding reporter Lydia.
How fitting that the twenty first century’s biggest small low key wedding should come to us from the owner of Twentieth Century Fox, Mr. Rupert Molloch. ‘Prince Rupert’, or ‘roo’ to his inner circle. And breathlessly we must tell you that Lydia Lumberton Cumberton our official wedding reporter was on site to record the wondrous event. In her own words she describes for posterity what she saw with her very own eyes.
(Ed) All my favourite people in one snapshot. Such a pity ‘that other’ distinguished australian musician still languishes in jail.
‘The bride wore organza, and glittering diamonds stitched in great swirls across her shoulders, to describe the numeral ‘1’. And on the rear, tastefully applied to her derriere “percent”. Turning to the photographers, she blew a kiss, and from her hand were flung the most exquisite jewels, diamonds, ruby’s and pearls to the gathered throng who in an unseemly fashion, scrummed and tore at each other to gain a precious jewel. Each jewel, equivalent to an entire life’s pay for a senior bureaucrat, enough for a medium sized cambodian village, or equivalent to a round of sandwiches and tea for a plutocrat in a more exclusive resort. Laughing to the press, she winked, ‘at 84, you think he’s too old??. Well you don’t know his secret, then winking, it’s his stamina, he keeps going and going and going. And you though he had Deng-ie fever. Roo Roo Just keeping up with him makes me breathless, and I thought Mick was athletic’.
journalists once worked here.
The groom wore a sensible wedding suit, comprising, morning coat, laser, taser, and knuckle dusters, anti grav shoes, teflon coated sandwich board, and false leg. Asked, why the false leg? He replied taciturnly, ‘after Macartney’s wedding, I thought i’d get in first, the prenup cost me an arm and a leg’, Uproarious laughter. All of their several dozen children were in attendance And there was rumoured to be hundreds of unofficial, (ex Mick’s) children hopeful for a glimpse in the carpark
And the church chosen St Brides was perfect home to journalists the world over. In a speech the former head of the printers union said; ‘it was indeed an honour to be made long term unemployed by Mr Murdoch. I would like to thank Maggie Thatcher and Rupert who both taught us respect and humility. Since we were closed down we appreciate the trickle down effect’. Also there were a small delegation from East Timor; ‘We are indebted to Rupert and ‘The Australian’ for what they did to help us recognise the owner of the media in making us well and truly grateful. We might have had independence way way sooner, and we may have held onto our natural resources, but now with Rupert pushing his realpolitik, we are so stuffed, we cant even afford a newspaper, let alone foxtel. WE are truly humble’ and eternally happy in our nothingness’.
Family of typesetters, and former journalists happy to have been moved on by Rupert and Maggie
Rebekah Brookes was a picture in red on red on red.
And in an upset, Tony Blair, was inconsolable, ‘So I did pay a visit to his ex missus whilst he was away, but we were really close mates, and though you told me to say the nicest things about you, I never ever let the knobs at Scotland Yard have a go at yer for the filth you peddled at the Sun and the News of the World. And even then I did everyfink I could to get you off, when you were outrageously bought to account by the few people in the public realm you hadn’t paid off. Still I would’ve liked an invite, cos I hear the hors douvres were real flash’.
Deeply Loved!!
And finally after the wedding, Mr Blair did get to have a big hug from George W, and John.E Howard, ‘without Rupert, we could never ever have bought civilisation and the anointment of reason to the vast untutored masses of the middle east who STILL don’t understand how grateful they should be to us’.
The SUN, just like its Australian namesake. Always an eye to quality, integrity and the absolute truth. (And boobs)
At the very end of the party, as the guests toasted, and Molloch gave each and every guest a desert plate of sautéed coelacanth and rhino horn as a token of his esteem He reminded the audience that global warming and unprecedented species and eco system decline were pure fiction. And if governments didn’t pay heed, they’d find themselves on the receiving end of a global reality. Asked what the global reality was, the magnate, smiled, and chuffed, ‘my elevation as GOD’.
The rest of the wedding and the after dinner entertainment wee provided by champion of the avante guarde, Bob Geldoff, that self described Uber-radical who stood in for Mr Mick Jagger, arch conservative and cricket lover, who recited, in braille, ‘I Can’t get no Satisfaction’ and ‘Money’. Presumedly, the two don’t go hand in hand.
Mr Jagger was unavailable for comment.