It is with deep regret we announce the passing of ‘Santa’s Little Helper’

‘Passing the baton’. John Howard retrieving the Prime Ministerial baton.

Dear reader, the editorial staff at pcbycp regret the surprise passing of the Abbott Government. Media agencies, the blogosphere and ordinary workaday folk like you and I will feel the loss acutely. There was never ever in the history of human kind something so funny as the Abbott Government.

Indeed as I write Vladimir Putin has expressed his deep regret that he alone must bare his musculature and do the heavy lifting. Further condolences have arrived from Cardinal Pell, who has renewed his efforts to remove the pesky left pope, and restore some common sense into the vatican, before coming back to assert the fundamental rights of fundamentalists. Whilst the rank and file of the Labor party are flummoxed that they may have to activate “thinking” mode in their esteemed leader, Mr. Bill Shorten.

Women this nation over are distraught as the “Minister for Women” is no longer on the world stage to look after their interests, and Aboriginals have lost a “dear friend”. Life must go on.

Passing the baton. Peta Credlin advising Julie Bishop on ‘what women really want”!

In reflection we hope that Rupert Murdoch will do his best to fill the gap and keep us all amused. And we sincerely hope that the ideological far right within the Liberal National Coalition will do what they can to fill the breach and ensure that the 99% will work just that bit harder for the 1%.

The good news is that today we announce our North American Correspondent. G.T . Beauregard. We feel confident he will do his best to inspire us with riveting accounts of life and observations made acute in that glorious flower of the South, New Orleans. Beauregard, we believe a direct descendant of the famous PGT, (Pierre Gustave Toutant) no less. We hope in anticipation that his extracts may provide both an amusing and illuminating insight into the deep end, (the Paris End) of the deep south. Insights perhaps not terribly dissimilar to our very own Deep North.

So it’s onwards and upwards as another stirring page of Australian political history unfolds. Congratulations must be given to the Abbott government for closing most things down and saving the taxpayer quite a bit of money. Saving us from innovation, manufacturing, thinking, education, and imagination. And special credit for saving us from refugees, and making us all feel safe! These are uncertain times ahead, but rest assured we know deep within our hearts that as a nation our capacity to think big is only limited by the small mindedness of our political elite. Rest assured we have it on good authority from Rupert that it’ll be ‘business as usual’.

pcbycp welcome our new correspondent, G.T. Beauregard, from the “Paris End’ of the deep south.

One can only hope so!!

In a world of tumult and much change, we must hold fast to those institutions that protect and nurture us. For Tony, there is an uncharitable rumour circulating that he lost his entitlement to a really BFPPMP!! Big Fat Parliamentary Prime Ministerial Pension; by two days.

Shame on you Turnbull.

God save the Queen!!

From Lao Tsu “Tao Te Ching”.  Sixty-One.  A poem appropriate to a time where we consider refugees and military action.

A great country is like low land.
It is the meeting ground of the universe,
The mother of the universe.

The female overcomes the male with stillness,
Lying low in stillness.

Therefore if a great country gives way to a smaller country,
It will conquer the smaller country.
And if a small country submits to a great country,
It can conquer the great country.
Therefore those who would conquer must yield,
And those who conquer do so because they yield.

A great nation needs more people;
A small country needs to serve.
Each gets what it wants.
It is fitting for a great nation to yield.

This dispatch first saw the light of day on 6 Oct 2012.  Oh that it were now irrelevant.

Bonjour mes long suffering amis,

Apologies for the lack of brièveté in this dispatch. Do they still teach ‘précis’ in high school?

A dispatchee sent me a book by Judy Robinson: ’Bushman of the red heart- Ben Nicker 1908-1941.’  I always have a bedside book ‘on the boil’. This one only took three nights to finish.

A few weeks ago  it was announced that the promised referendum on whether the First Australians should rate a mention in the Australian Constitution has been deferred. One of the reasons given by Jenny Macklin was that: “…we recognize that there is not yet enough community awareness or support for change to hold a successful referendum at or before the next federal election….”

La Macklin did not have any such qualms regarding lack of support when the Stronger Futures Legislation sailed through both houses of parliament virtually unopposed. The lower house passed the legislation before the Senate Inquiry into the proposed legislation tabled its report. Just reminding you of the serious debate that took place:

This photo (from the Concerned Australians’ website) shows the lower house in action at the time they passed the legislation. As I wrote at the time: ‘well do they deserve their perks and pensions’

This despite the 462 submissions and 560 form letters received by the enquiry. Over 95% of the submissions opposed the legislation which the submissions invariably dubbed ‘the second Intervention’. Not to mention the more than 35,000 people (mostly Australians) that signed an online petition opposed to the legislation.  A pox on both your houses, I say.

Oh if only: “….we recognize that there is not yet enough community awareness or support…. We are deferring Stronger Futures into the distant future!”

Well, I can assure you all in the Australian Coastal Voter Belt, that here there is ample ‘awareness’ by those bearing the brunt of Stronger Futures.  Am told that a water tank north of here in the Tanami Desert has scrawled on it “STRANGLER FUTURES”.

A song dedicated to Jenny Macklin and her team of assimilationists:
I don’t want your mansion….
You can’t buy my love with money…
But you think I should be happy with your money… while you play your cheating game!
http://youtu.be/flLoj5qxURw

In 1923, fifteen year-old Ben Nicker did a solo crossing of the Tanami Desert. It could be said he was the Jessica Watson of his time.

In 1923, my father was a 6 year-old Dutch child living in Germany. From his anecdotes

“In 1923 during the ‘Weimar Republic’ Germany suffered hyperinflation. One thousand mark bills for example would be over-printed with 1,000,000,000 Mark. Dad once told me about the neighbor that paid the rent with a wheelbarrow full of paper money. Makes you wonder about all those people that think they’re rich because a couple of zeroes have been added to the ‘value’ of their house! (In Australia elections are won or lost on the basis of such fallacies).”

In 1932, fifteen year old dad crossed the German-Dutch border. He ran away from home telling his parents that Germany was not a good place for ‘us foreigners’ to stay. I’ve only just recently been made aware that part of dad’s tactics to make his parents follow him to Holland was to kidnap his two year old sister! Opa Baarda’s first action on being reunited with his little daughter in Amsterdam was to give his son a hiding in front of the neighbourhood.

In 1932, Ben Nicker and his camels joined Michael Terry and Stan O’Grady in a prospecting expedition that took them west of Pikirlyi and Yapawarriji (springs on the slopes of Mt. Davenport-itself sometimes referred to as Pikirlyi).

In 1933 during a follow up expedition they returned to ‘west of Davenport’ where they had previously located a quartz reef with ‘pyrites of arsenic’ according to Michael Terry’s 1937 book ‘Sand and Sun’.

There they spent two weeks doing some ‘serious prospecting’ according to Judy Robinson’s book.

Before the Intervention, the locally owned Yuendumu Mining Co (YMC) enjoyed a significant share of Yuendumu’s retail trade (food, fuel and automotive  parts and repairs). Despite being one of the lowest priced ‘remote stores’ in Central Australia, useful surpluses were generated that allowed YMC the luxury to indulge in mineral prospecting in its own right. The Granites gold deposit was discovered by Davidson in 1901, and enjoyed a brief flurry of activity during the depression years of the 1930’s. The Chapman family “worked” the deposit until 1953.  Around 1987 the Granites region rose from the ashes of history to become a significant gold producer which it continues to be today.

YMC became actively involved in this modern day ‘gold rush’ by applying for numerous exploration licences in competition with some major industry ‘players’. Over the years millions of dollars were spent on areas in which YMC held an interest.

An area mapped by the Bureau of Mineral Resources (BMR) as “Lander Rock Beds” (equivalent to the Mt. Charles beds- the host formation for gold at the Granites) was chosen to apply YMC’s “leap frog” sampling technique.

Two vehicles and a GPS (a large black box as used in the first Gulf War) were used. Harry Collins, Micah Hudson, Grant Granites, Dougie Wilson, Adrian Winwood-Smith and myself took part. I’d explained that soil samples should be taken to represent as large an area as possible such as at the base and intersection of two scree-slopes. Each vehicle had a Warlpiri driver and navigator and a white-fellow recorder/prospector . Our navigators had an uncanny ability to guide the drivers at high speed through the scrub to what in hindsight proved to be the ideal most effective sampling points. The two vehicles leap frogged as samples were dug, sieved and labelled and rock type, vegetation etc. and GPS positions duly recorded.

It took only half a day to ‘cover’ all outcropping low hills over a large area with 32 samples. A few samples contained traces of gold (in parts per billion) and many had a high to very high arsenic content (parts per million). In nature arsenic and gold often occur together. Arsenic rich rocks are the haystacks in which the needles of gold can be found.

Adrian had to be in Adelaide, and while there delved into Michael Terry’s diaries which are kept at the SA Museum.

In 1933 they’d watered Ben Nicker’s camels at a permanent water hole at the junction of two creeks (which on the map in the Robinson book is called Mijinpanta) and Adrian made notes about directions and distance to the potentially auriferous reef from the water hole . With the help of three aerial photographs (all we could afford!) we identified and located the waterhole at the creek junction. Following the directions from Adrian’s notes we ended up in an area of younger non prospective rocks- which the BMR geologists had named the Nicker Beds! We realised that we’d got close to the area we had previously sampled, so after this false start we headed for the sampling spot which had yielded the highest arsenic value. Directly 100 or so metres upslope from this (marked) sampling location, there it was, a prospector’s pit on a quartz reef. ‘Speared’ into the pit was a mulga post on which were carved the initials MT, SOG and BN and the date 16/5/1933! We’d re-located it almost 60 years after. We named it Terry’s Prospect.

Subsequently and independently Colin Watson(the male nurse at Nyirrpi – the closest community to Terry’s Prospect) was told by B. Jungarrayi that as a young lad he’d regularly travelled from Pikirlyi to Nyin-yiri-palangu (Ethel Creek) on a donkey. On one occasion he noticed a mulga post sticking up on a low hill. On investigation he saw some marks carved on the post. Jungarrayi couldn’t read and guessed that the carvings might be kardiya (white fellow)’s sacred markings. Out of respect he ‘speared’ the post into the pit so it couldn’t be noticed from the base of the hill.

YMC ‘developed’ the prospect into a 4 Km. long arsenic anomaly with ‘spotty’ gold values, as well as identifying a plunging anticlinal structure with a stockworks of thin quartz veinlets along the hinge, before ‘farming it out’. Subsequent sampling and drilling failed to locate a commercial ore-body. It is the closest YMC came to making the ‘big league’!

After the Gold Rush:
http://youtu.be/N88YgEKGMzI

Those were the ‘good old days’ of self-determination. Back then there was Ngalipa (All of us-first person plural inclusive). We have now reverted to Nyanungupatu manu Nganimpa (Them and us- third person plural and first person plural exclusive). At Yuendumu school they had “team teaching”. A yapa and a kardiya team in virtually every class delivering a ‘stepped bilingual programme’ aimed (and often succeeding) in ‘producing’ fully bilingual and bi-literate students. In the field YMC used a team approach combining Warlpiri bush-sense and geographical knowledge with modern mineral exploration techniques and historical research.

We are told the Intervention is over.

It’s all over now…
http://youtu.be/RJ8STf6x3gE

We no longer have a GBM (Government Business Manager). We now have a GEC (Government Engagement Co-ordinator) (cute n’est ce pas?).

Same person, same chain wire surrounded accommodation, same four wheel drive vehicle, same salary and perks, same job (to spy on us)….  

Vive la différence….
http://youtu.be/KxLCngnm1Zc

No more NT Emergency Response!  We are Closing the Gap towards a Stronger Future!

Au revoir,
François

Seriously folks Humanity is Amazing!!!.

For the best part of ten thousand years humanity has been undergoing the process of civilising, and look where we are now. We are agreeably civilised. We are so civilised we’ve moved way beyond all the stupidity that so characterised our barbaric past. Allright,  there may be the odd little flash-points in the Middle East, and things are not quite so nice in the Ukraine, most of Africa, and North Korea which aint all that good. Not a lot actually to cheer about for some of those on the wrong side of history in Burma, West Irian, and the other trouble spots, but we’re in pretty good shape really. China is having a few teething problems, but overall, when you look a everything in consideration we aint doing all that bad. Particularly if you’re not trying to get out of Syria in a hurry which may have something to do with our ‘fixing’ up of Iraq, and the follow on.

Opening of Worlds First Hybrid Slave/Coal Powered Power Station. Palmyra 2500 B.C. This hybrid power station was a boon to Humanity! It burnt both coal and slave and was in commision till quite recently when it was adapted by ISIS to just infidel burning, a sort of Slave/Slave Hybrid. Isis is in onging negotioations with the Minerals and Energy Council.

That’s why COAL is truly AMAZING. The plantation owners thought that slavery was truly AMAZING!. It was cheap, reliable, and it didn’t even give off filthy carbon. Once used, you’d just plough em back into the ground. Now I call that vertical integration. Coal has given us light, power, and in the nineteenth century it single handedly gave us the Industrial Revolution, which brought greater levels of civilisation and resulted in the comfort that we take for granted today. And the remarkable thing about coal is that according to the excellent advert currently screening on telly, it may be 40 % less smelly and carboniferous in another hundred years if we continue to divert research funding from CSIRO in to this new realm of alchemy. The right thing is to just keep burning it. Humanity IS pretty AMAZING. And i’m impressed and gratified that the Minerals and Energy Council disagree with climate science, by repudiating the Anthroprocene era, and would like us to keep on burning good ol coal, until the oceans rise, the levees break, and we all die a horrible protracted lingering death.

The Minerals and Energy Council want to willfully and knowingly deplete the bounty of “nature” to future generations of children. Yes!! our children because this stuff is bloody AMAZING for shareholders and particularly AMAZING for a coterie of self interested wealthy old men who just couldn’t give a stuff about anyone else. Because pretty soon they’re going to be DEAD. They like coal because this shit is what sustains them. They HATE education, science, renewables, because it threatens their right to completely and utterly fuck up the planet. And Rupert, surprise surprise, being another ancient specimen of humanity, reckons coal is spot on..

New Coal Miner Uniforms being trialled by the Minerals and Energy Council. Uniforms generously tested and supplied by the Rt. Hon. Christopher Pyne, Federal Minister for Education. From his personal collection

So Humanity is AMAZING. And what is truly AMAZING are those old men who so much want to deny the subsequent generations of Australians the privelege that they take for granted because they’ve got something akin to slavery. Provided you don’t think about the planet, the loss of good agricultural land, and the foisting of this rubbish on the population , is truly AMAZING! If you don’t factor in the environment, AMAZING! If you HATE the future, AMAZING!  And if you have lobbied an entire front bench and found a champion in a reactionary ultra right wing, fundamentalist conservative catholic hardliner, you’ve done something that is truly AMAZING!  And if you’ve managed to control the entire apparatus of science, education, decision making and taxes to ensure your unassailable level of control and influence, that is so fucking AMAZING!  I dip my lid, chop my testicles off and eat them as a sign that I am so truly and unutterably AMAZED, that you have perverted the entire fabric of governance to furnish your singular, cynical and egregiously opportunistic needs. So three cheers to the Minerals and Energy Council. You the valiant few have staved off a tax that would have some mere percentage of your profits returned to the community. And now, depleted of a car industry, depleted of science, renewables, innovation, future training, governed by fear, myopia and self seeking hollowness you have now corrupted the very fabric of our democracy and turned parliament into a rump of puppets and forelock tugging satraps. All under your bidding.

Congratulations!

In the words of Winston Churchill; “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”!!

Well Done, That is TRULY AMAZING!!

Dear reader we continue to talk up the free Trade Deal with China.

In the interests of transparency, we’ve been donated this fine map from Dyson Heydon indicating China as that large portion of land not covered pink between India and north of the Protectorate of New Guinea

Rupert likes China a lot. His ex missus is Chinese. They don’t bother with democracy or any of that crap. It’s a bloody one party state. If you’re in the party you’re o.k. If you’re not you can get stuffed. And lets face it Australia pays way too much for wages and tradies and miners over here.

Dick Warburton. he knows how good COAL is for our future, and he and Maurice reckon the UN is going for World Domination! He is also very clever, but clearly hasn’t got quite as many books as Bob Carr. Not that it doesn’t make him any less cleverer. 

Gina reckons, (she’s in favour of the trade deal as well) that we can get workers for two dollars a day. Dick Warburton and Maurice Newman, not only hate wind farms but they reckons Coles and Woolies would romp it in in China. That’s if we can hold onto the farm. But I think Dick or Maurice just sold it to China. So who gives a stuff about education, national competitiveness and what we may lose in rights and priveleges? If you’re really fucking rich, this free trade deal will ensure that you’re wealthier still. And, the best part is that you’ll get the privelege of being able to afford a house servant, a maid, a butler, and a few house boys, a groom, and a door sweeper, an perhaps a score of gardeners, and you wont even have to go through the pesky 417 visa, cos the beauty of it is you can get locals. ‘Cos at $2.50 an hour labour in this country will be truly affordable. Now if you’re like Joe, (our esteemed treasurer) you’ll get that many kickbacks on your investment properties you will have all this staff and you wont ever need to pay tax. Up the GST on poor people and you’re laughing. In fact I’m pissing myself right about now. It’s predestined. It’s part of being the white trash of Asia. Lee Kuan Yew was 100% right. Though he would never have dreamed that real labor men like Hawkey, “No child shall live in poverty”, would be his cheerleaders.

Pope being told, ” Cardinal Pell is here again, he’s come with a message from ‘Santa’s Little Helper’, and he reckons it’s COAL, not your holiness who will be the saviour of HUMANITY”!! Pope: ‘Is this where i say, I’ll be a dead Dingo’s Donger”!!

So Carn the Free Trade Deal. Let international contracts wrest the farce of the pbs and affordable medicine, cigarette legislation, better national health, health care itself, democracy, the Commonwealth, to the highest bidder. Let CAPITAL and the WINNERS rule this country. And ferrchrissakes don’t listen to the POPE! What’s a spiritual leader got over laissez faire economics? I’d want to know? Cos we all know that Capital is fail proof. Capital rewards lifters not leaners.

And Capital knows best.

And to quote from the old Benson and Hedges Advert, ‘And isn’t that all of the time’.

Dear reader,  In case you didn’t know, Australia is in DEEP TROUBLE!!

Bob Hawke. Doing it tough without the Free Trade deal

This is an emergency. Bob Hawke is quite correct. We MUST pass the fee trade deal with China.

Bob Carr. ‘Quite well read and of superior intelligence’ (‘Bob Carr My very own autobiography’)

Bob Carr has weighed in. He knows an awful lot about the American Civil War. He likes to tell us so. He is quite right to tell us. He is an educated and quite SOPHISTICATED ex politician. He has TOLD us so!! He has also, (upholding the fine example set by Christopher Pyne and Barnaby Joyce) written a very good autobiography about how important he was as Foreign Affairs Minister in the dying days of the Rudd Era. He spent quite a lot of time talking to Hu Jintao (who was the last general secretary of the Communist party) on just how important it is to have a Free trade deal signed off with China. Hu Jintao retired from his position with over a billion dollars in assets. He got rich by being THAT clever. Bob Hawke got rich also, (He even has a butler) he’s a real booster for China.

We could all get rich by doing deals with China. They only have one political party, so any deals done with China are safe. No silly senate to worry about, no backflips, no silly greenish legislation. Aren’t you convinced?? C’mon. Surely this is the time for us to sign the thing, and if GOD were about he’d sign it. But God is terribly busy working on developing COAL as the saviour of humanity. In his stead he has given none other than RUPERT MURDOCH the authority to say to all Australians. ‘For chrrissakes get in with this free trade deal’. At the moment, Rupert says, we are paying way way to much for Labour. Rupert reckons this country is currently ‘Ungoverned’. ‘Call a snap election, Give Tony another term… Do it now’!!… He’ll make it happen. What he is saying is that TONY is GOOD for Australia. He understands the requirements of BIG BUSINESS!!!

Prince Rupert. ” Leave me now my patience fails, go off and govern New South Wales”

Unions looks after Tradies and ordinary workers. Little business people. That’s why they’re BAD!!! And they’re not rich and powerful. They must be STUPID! That’s why they belong to UNIONS. And Unions are SCUM. He’s absolutely correct.

This free trade deal might just keep this country on the road. Rupert should know. He’s managed after all that ‘hoo-ha’ to get all that kerfuffle over hacking into to little dead girls phone accounts to sell newspapers. He’s finally got Rebekah Brooks back on the job, running the News Corps operation in the U.K. He knows what it takes to make a business PAY. He’s not bothered by red and green and pink tape. Rupert knows you’ve gotta be mates with all the pollies. Rupert is so good at it, the pollies come to him. In China they call that ‘Feng shui’.

Donald. ‘This is my understanding of the general public in the Democratic Process!! And it works’!!’

See Rupert knows! And that’s the funny thing about people with shitloads of money, Gina, Twiggy, Bob and the other Bob, (the silver bodgie). When you’ve done well on the races, in real estate, and the share-market and made politics pay and had good mates to look after you and you’ve got quite rich, you generally know what’s good for the poor people. Your superiority is a God given fact. Just ask Donald Trump.

elementary sonnet by clive james

Tired out from getting up and getting dressed
I lie down for a while to get some rest,
And so begins another day of not
Achieving much except to dent the cot
For just the depth appropriate to my weight – 
Which is no chasm, in my present state.
By rights my feet should barely touch the floor
And yet my legs are heavy metal.  More
And more I sit down to write less and less,
Taking half an hour’s break from helplessness
To craft a single stanza meant to give
Thanks for the heartbeat which still lets me live:
A consolation even now, so late – 
When soon my poor bed will be smooth and straight.

From “Sentenced to Life” Clive James 2015.  Pan Macmillan London.

Bon giorno amici,

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat indeed.

[Last Weeks’] dispatch contained an error that begs correction. A Sacksian Slip if you like.

Erratum:
The Russian Egg Principle was referred to. It should have been the Russian Doll Principle.

This resulted either from the unhealthy onset of dementia, or from a healthy flight of imagination. I like to think the latter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLgYAHHkPFs

Many years ago an Indian lady, Mrs. Rama Kushna taught at Yuendumu School. She taught cooking to senior girls.

In Warlpiri, ‘juru’ is head, ‘juru-rama’ means dizzy or confused (here those who know Warlpiri better than I must forgive translation inaccuracies-never let truth or accuracy get in the way of a good story) Crazy people are called ‘ramara’.

Inevitably Mrs. Ramakushna became known as Mrs. Ramara. When she tried to ethnocentrically convince her rather carnivorous Warlpiri pupils to use meat frugally, the aptness of her nickname was confirmed.

Kevin Rudd’s famous Apology to the Stolen Generations turned out to be empty words (the stealing of children continues apace)

I much prefer the following ‘Sorry’-
Mi dispiace:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drNqZWzj5GY

Arrivederci,

Franco

Dear reader, the following is an edited extract of an address prepared by The Minister for Immigration the Rt. Hon. Peter Dutton to the IPA Melbourne. This address was to have been presented by Royal Commission Head Dyson Heydon, but due to time constraints, (the invitation had to be re-written from email by feathered quill onto parchment in copperplate the sent by courier in litter), the Minister kindly agreed to perform the task in person.

The Immigration Minister. Protecting our interests by dismissing Fairfax and ABC as rubbish!!

There’s been some disturbing news recently. Claims have been made that the Federal Government has embarked upon the militarisation of the bureaucracy. There’s a level of shrill hysteria being exhibited out there. People are “seriously worried about the rise of a paramilitary”. There’s even claims being made by the Fairfax press and the some in the ABC that what we’re seeing here is the thin end of the wedge, the rise of a ‘Gestapo Mentality’. To instill fear, retribution and paralysis amongst the so called chattering classes.

What rubbish!!!

The Intervention. Protecting Aboriginal Australians

To survive, we need a Stronger Australia And it’s simple. We have proven that Aboriginal Australians have been saved by military intervention. And it works. Natural then that lesson should be applied to the rest of us.

Australia is at the crossroads, The future poses severe challenges! I have it on personal authority from none other than George Brandis and his esteemed colleague Corey Bernardii, that there’s a jobs boom for good civic minded citizens. In the interests of ‘public safety’ our uniformed officers just want to get on and do their their job. And a bloody fine job they’re doing at that. Australia need these people. WE have lost thousands of jobs in manufacturing. There’s just not enough real estate left to sell to the Chinese to prop up the economy. We have staggering youth unemployment. With the wise crackdown on renewables we shall see a permanent underclass of willing, supine, pliant dolts. But they must have some source of valuable employment. Because the figures speak for themselves. It’s an economic reality. There aren’t enough jobs (in the saviour of humanity sector industries) to go round. Coal can’t do all the heavy lifting alone!!

Law and order are the new Growth sectors. We’ve streamlined our service sector, but there are still radical improvements that must be made. For starters, we’ve got rid of the carbuncle of tram conductors, station masters and an entire panoply of time serving wastrels. We have replaced them with our new PSO.s. With your safety in mind they are all heavily armed. And like our policemen wear black. Border force will grow beyond its initial seven thousand jobs. Their guns will make us all safe. To ensure that those borders, outside, inside, and within, are rigorously enforced. This is just the beginning. Sherriffs will soon be issued with new uniforms, and carry bigger guns. School crossing attendants will be armed to give new meaning to “Road Safety”. Teachers, librarians, state and federal public servants, members of City Councils, and the vast bulk of employees will be issued with new uniforms. Cleaning up the mess left by Labor’s ‘debt and deficit disaster’.

New Uniform being trialled for School Crossing Supervsors. Road rage and Bullet proof.

And to make it easier for you our there, (not in uniform yet) we are introducing a colour coded scheme to ensure that these new uniforms for Team Australia are instantly recognisable;

Law and order; black or very dark blue. The Green Corps; dark green. Academics, Teachers; dark Grey. Legal fraternity; light Grey ABC journalists; beige or pink, (under consideration). Health care workers; white. Cultural workers, (museums, libraries, galleries) crimson. Emergency services; very dark blue. Army; green. Ancillary service sector; mechanics, plumbers, electricians; cobalt blue.

How easy , it’ll ensure that people in service are identified by colour, thus making it easier to identify those in the street who are not in the right colour. To facilitate this we’ve deleted brownish, blackish or yellow-ish as not appropriate ‘Team Australia’ colours.

We’re adapting surplus stock from DDR to make Australia Safe. New Border Force protective headgear being trialed.

So it’s goodbye manufacturing and that pesky intelligentsia and hello to a new, smart, disciplined force of uniformed officers designed and coordinated to protect us. With this clarification of roles, between government and executive officers there will no longer be the hazy quandary of separation of powers. We will be stronger, and better equipped to deal with future challenges and ensure that the rest of the world knows that Australia is ‘Open for Business’. The message is clear. Look out, leaners, boat people, the poor, the disenfranchised. If you don’t like it, get the message. Get into a uniform and serve. Demonstrate you’re backing Team Australia. And, in answer to the critics, these new uniforms though not manufactured in Australia, are not MADE in China. We have jobs to ensure that the stocks generously donated to us from the former Democratic Republic of East Germany are of the first order, and can be adapted to ensure that every strata of society is attired in the correct uniform. To demonstrate unyielding obedience to the rule of State.

Thank goodness we’re repealing laws. Thank christ we’re ensuring that we walk lock step with strong leadership in assuring that this country stands for something. So sing with us in chorus;

We’ve stopped the boats, To make us SECURE

We’ve arrested the budget crisis,  Labor made us ENDURE

We’ve stopped labors debt and deficit disaster, It was a seven year ITCH

And thrown out pesky Gillard, We’ve ditched the BITCH/WITCH

And we’ve imposed no new taxes, Our commitment to this promise is SEALED

Repeal Laws for species (not mentioned in bible), Open cut coal mine’s in every FIELD

We’ve retained Dyson Hayden, There aint non FINER

We’re making Australia safer, By selling it to CHINA

The Kawanshi, essentially an adapted Hudson Bomber belonging to CIC Thomas Blamey. The most visible adaptation being the distinctive twin turrets as illustrated.

This aircraft had a most unusual history, having the unique distinction of being used both as a transport for senior Australian and Japanese Officers during World War 2. Originally constructed as a Hudson bomber it was briefly used by the RAAF, as personal transport to the Commander in Chief of the Australian Army. General. Sir Thomas Blamey.

Blamey inspecting defences with North-Force along Rabbit Proof fence. The precursor to Border Force.

Blamey had a penchant for comfort and oversaw the fit-out of Its luxurious interior which included a water bed, cocktail bar, valet, and a sumptuous bathroom equipped with toilet,(fitted with radical light-weight plastic toilet seat) bidet, hot and cold water, gold taps and an ornate marble bath. Inexplicably the aircraft was captured intact, parked outside the Fantan Club in Lavender Street Singapore with the trans sexual contortionist Mata Hairy being the sole occupant. How it arrived there is a mystery as the aircraft was reportedly being used to tour the extremities of eastern defences. Fortunately the Commander in Chief was not with the plane having escaped on ‘urgent personal business’.

Mata Hairy. Only known photograph of the exotic contortionist. Photograph generously donated to us on this occasion by the Minister for Education. The Rt. Hon. Christopher Pyne. From his personal collection.

Kawanshi. Manufacturers of fine maritime flying boats.

Once captured It was then radically re-designed by the Kawanshi Flying Boat company as a medium sized luxury courier aircraft to transport senior IJN officers. A Shinto ceremony was performed to cleanse the “enemy aircraft” of evil intent. Once “cleansed” it was commissioned into the IJN. The directors of the Kawanshi Corporation were then faced with the daunting prospect of developing another code name for this unique Japanese Aircraft. They decided to adopt a novel approach. The firm held a naming competition, with an exciting first prize for a new ‘female’ code gendered aircraft. This established a continuity to the then current fleet of feminine gendered, Mavis’s, Betty’s Emily’s, Kate’s, Judy’s, Dinah’s, Sue’s, Delores’s and Vulgarias”. The first prize comprised a guided tour of territories annexed under the recently augmented Greater South East Asian Co Prosperity Sphere. The proposed first prize tour, (not bettered until recent activities by the Rt. Hon. Member for Mackellar Bronwyn Bishop) inspired hordes of Japanese salary workers indentured to work long hours with one indexed day per year as holiday.

Allied officers being told compassionately they’re ineligible for the prestigious naming competition by Japanese soldiers.

The planned prize for the winner of the competition comprised an unheard of, all expenses six week tour of recently acquired possessions. The competition was fierce, and in spite of rumours of Hari Kiri being committed by unsuccessful entrants and the first ever recorded immolation by a disappointed mother who pushed her explosive laden pram directly into a hangar of parked aircraft on the IJN Akagi, the response was overwhelmingly positive. Curiously, the submitted names puzzled the event organisers, the names not being female derived at all, but irrepressibly masculine. By far the most numerously proposed being; ‘the Richard, the William, the Long Tom, the Rooster and Knobby‘. It transpired that there had been a mistake in the wording of the competition, and instead of being ‘find an alternate name for glorious empire japan fighter for boys lady name’, it was misspelt, as ‘find big lady boy name’. Amid much laughter and the subsequent suicide by the competition typesetter consuming an entire Konichi typewriter carriage, the judges decided not to re-run the competition but reach a compromise position.

In light of the inducements on offer as part of the trans south east asian tour winning prize, they decided to encourage further enlistment and instill nationalistic fervour by picking of all the thousands of entries, a beautifully illustrated text recently submitted by a convalescing private Fushida of the 124th Teriyaki Infantry Battalion. His beautiful and evocative description of the delights and hardship encountered on the road to conquest, spoken in haiku, expressed the yearning for ‘Comfort’, and ‘Woman’. Indeed the new aircraft combined both feminine grace with creature comforts. Thus, “Comfort Woman’ as it was christened, encapsulated all the latest in Japanese technical knowhow, with an attendant illusion to the delights and exotic tastes on offer in the rest of the orient.

Private Fushida of 124th Teriyaki Battalion. Lithograph illustrating ravages of “HKLD” shortly before death. Lithograph kindly lent to us on this occassion by the Minister for Educashion the Rt. Hon. Christopher Pyne. From his personal collection.

Sadly, the successful entrant though enjoying a first class tour of the Empire, succumbed to the dreaded HKLD, (Hong Kong Long Dong). A terminal ailment allegedly brought about by personal contact with non-sterilised plastic toilet seats. As a precaution, (because it is entirely infectious and the lingering belief that it was left as a memento by the departing Commander in Chief AIF) the Comfort Woman was burned in shinto tradition on the tarmac at Honshu. Proving the truth behind the ancient Japanese proverb; ‘Sleep with enemy, catch more than fleas’.