Rod McKuen (1933-2015)  notes by Ira Maine Esq, Poetry Editor

Even though I was there, in London, in the Swinging Sixties, I had never heard of the above mentioned poet. McKuen sold 60 million!!! books of poetry worldwide in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. He wrote songs for Sinatra, Dusty Springfield, Perry Como and many others. He wrote film sound tracks, classical music and was astonishingly successful. OK, so McKuen was American, I’ll grant you, but I had heard of Ferlinghetti and Ginsberg and other Beat poets, who were not at all in McKuen’s earnings bracket. So what happened here? How did I miss out on this literary phenomenon? Well now…

It turns out that Mr McKuen’s poetry was slaughtered by the literary intelligentsia. He was variously described as the ‘King of Schmaltz’ and his work as ‘ adolescent claptrap’. He was not well regarded by those who position themselves as arbiters of literary good taste. Well, perhaps they were right (in intellectual terms) but his work appealed so hugely to the man in the street that his poetry has been translated into eleven different languages!

 McKuen wrote for a vast, highly appreciative audience and he can thumb his nose at the critics who scorned him. Who cares if his work produces patronizing sniggers in the groves of academe? His work is about love, its highs and lows and the warmth and pleasure of relationships. He never pretended it was anything else and was damned for it.

“How dare you write poetry that appeals to the common man!’ they screeched. ‘How dare you write poetry that people can easily understand! What has happened to obscurity? Where’s the impenetrable in all this? Schmaltz, that’s all it is, schmaltz!’

Here is a poem of McKuen’s entitled ‘Advance/Retreat’ which has not a whiff of schmaltz about it. It has, however a whiff of homosexuality but who gives a bugger about that? Love is the same, no matter what, unchanging and eternal.

Originally dispatched on 13 May 2014

Hoe gaat het vrienden, 

Many Australians arrogantly believe my adoptive country is in every way the best country in the southern hemisphere. My mother used to say “Australië is het beste land ter wereld, maar in Canberra zijn er mensen die hun best doen om het te verpesten” (Australia is the best country in the world, but in Canberra there are some that do their level best to spoil it).

The denizens of my country of birth are often stereotyped as arrogant and many are. I believe no society or country is devoid of arrogant members. Germany is no exception.

I calculate it to have been in 1991 that a kombi van full of tourists pulled up at our petrol pump. One of my hobbies is to pick accents. I derive satisfaction from getting it right, and embarrassment from getting it wrong. The Dutch guttural, Swiss singing and German hissing accents are the ones I’m most adept at correctly identifying.

Thus the hissing sound emanating from the kombi van prompted me to greet them with “Guten Abend” (Good evening) , “Sie sind Deutch?” (You are German?), “Nein ich bin Holander” (No, I’m Dutch-why confuse them?), “Wass machts du den in dass Arsh der Welt” (I won’t bother to check the spelling)(What are you doing here in the arsehole of the world?). This took me aback. My German is not adequate enough to come up with an instant repartee. By the time I’d worked out what I should have said it was zu späht (too late). No point in yelling out “kommen Sie zurük!” (Come back!). What I should have said was “ Nein dass stimmt nicht- dass Arsh der Welt ist dass zwartze Walt in Deutchland” (No, that is wrong, the arsehole of the world is the black forest in Germany) .

My father’s childhood circumstances resulted in him being fully Dutch/German bilingual. I called him on the phone to tell him ‘ik heb net een ervaring met uw landgenoten gehad” (I’ve just had an experience with your countrymen- ha ha ha, he hated that!) Then, for fun, we switched from Dutch to his excellent German and my so-so German. “Wissen Sie wass die sagten?” (Do you know what they said?) and then I told him, and he said “Hast du mussen sagen……” (You should have said) and rattled off a German sentence I didn’t catch. “What did that mean?” “It means ‘have you got your flags and pendants ready for 20^th April?’ ” “Wass ist dass den?” “Dass ist der Geburtstag der Führer” (What is that?- that is Hitler’s birthday) “Wie alt wird der Kerl sein?” (How old would the old bastard have been?) “Ein moment…. ich glaube hundert und drei” (Hold it…I think 103) “Ah, dann ist er wirklich tot” (Then he is definitely dead) “Ja, aber aufpassen. Er ist tot, aber sein Geist lebt noch” (Yes, but look out, he may be dead, but his spirit lives on).

In Australia the pinnacle of arrogance is achieved by many politicians and public servants, who are certain of knowing all the answers.

Those questions they pose themselves or the dorothy dixers put to them by those singing from the same song sheet, they have no trouble in answering, often several times in the same reply.

For those questions they don’t know or don’t want us to know the answer to, they have raised the non-sequitur to an art form.

As for public servants, far too many don’t serve the public, only their masters.
The last Dispatch dealt with the dire consequence of unbalanced wings. So try power and justice for size!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXJV1Z6ZQoA ¿Que te ha pasado Justicia? (Justice, what has happened to you?)

A group of linguists that are involved with Brazilian native languages came to visit not long ago. This is part of an email I received:

“We’re back in Brazil after our long and eye-opening trip around the land of oz……we saw very little activism during our time there. What we did see, not only in Yuendumu, but also in the Torres Strait Islands, for instance was a lot of outraging government attempts to sabotage all language maintenance efforts and the possibility of living life in a different way. No right to be different in oz, it seems to me…..”

No right to be wrong …. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HhzMRMAhXU

Regarding the dearth of activism, I’ve seen it in (in)action. The power imbalance at cross-cultural interactions makes effective activism almost impossible. Resulting is what has been described as ‘polite disattention’ not to mention that Neville Chamberlain may be dead, but his spirit lives on.

And thus new word forms arise. For instance we all know what ‘googling’ means.

Watch “The Most Interesting Word in the English Language” ….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl1i656Ja2I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Outrage- noun

Outrageous- adjective

Outraging- verb

The bane of Aboriginal Australia- those f*cking arrogant politicians that are in charge. They are forever outraging!

Tot de volgende keer,

En nu een mooi liedje om mee te eindigen… 

Frenk

Met wat hulp van m’n vrienden…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POaaw_x7gvQ

The corporate receivers begin the laborious task of assessing the worth of Arriane steel, and Australian manufacturing. Note “Ideas Boom” Helmets, specifically designed by the Innovation Minister Mr Christopher Pyne, from his personal collection.

Another dull week passes and sadly not much yet of intelligence shining through as a consequence of the ‘Ideas Boom’. The collapse of steel manufacturing may have had something to do with the collapse of the car industry, and our uncompetitiveness in comparison to other places where the steel workers work for free, but there’s hope that a generous spirit in the banking sector may yet save the day. They’ve been busy telling us their practices are on the level, and the P.M Mr Malcolm Abbott is inclined to agree. It’s all business as usual really, and as Australia is emphatically “open for business” the last thing we require is an enquiry, (worse still a Royal Commission) into shonky banking practices. A few rotten apples shouldn’t shake our trust in the system, and as the P.M knows there’s still a lot of capital to be gained by selling off state assets, before the housing boom, the banking boom and the Ideas boom go ‘Pop’!

Intelligence V Wisdom. Former P.M demonstrates his possession of the latter to the U.N general Assembly.

Foghorn, (K.Rudd mentor) instructs Junior. ( any resemblance of Junior to former P.M K. Rudd is entirely incidental, fictional and objectionable. )

On a happier note, and this should be a source of much rejoicing, the former P.M Mr. Kevin Rudd, may not be the the next United Nations Secretary General. Helen Clark may pip him at the post. Good on Helen! As we all know the United Nations, (not to be confused with the League of Nations) has done a hell of a lot of good by showing leadership lately on the singular issues that really matter. Trouble is, no one seems to take any notice. Still, like Kevin, it keeps us all up to the mark on how the objectionable, the obnoxious, the perpetually unemployable, the discarded, and the excerable, can find a sinecure paid for by a conglomerate of bored nation state participants and establish a life long residency in New York, The Hague, Paris, London, anywhere. We wish him well, and glad that he’s the rest of the world’s responsibility and they too will know what it’s like to live with another ‘ambitious little Queenslander’.

A “nicer type” of Volvo driver.

Speaking of smug, insulated, and self important, the latest survey from Wheel magazine delivers some startling news. After an exhaustive, thorough, and far reaching psycho-metric analysis sourced from drivers around the world, the truth is out!! And what’s the truth? The revelation, proven at last, that Subaru Forester drivers are indeed the inheritors of the Volvo-driver mantle. In the 70’s Volvo drivers became renowned the world over as the most annoying, self important, cosseted, entitled, safety conscious, smug, and Volvo’s as precursor to ‘driverless cars’. There is now proof positive that the mantle for obnoxious and dis-connected is now held by the drivers of Subaru Foresters.

Speaking at a testimonial launch the president of the Australian, Recreational Sports Enthusiasts, (ARSE) Mr Malcolm Co-Hoon, indicated with graph and pie chart the ascendancy of the Forester driver as the most obnoxious, and reviled on the roads. ‘The statistics are fascinating. At first what appeared as incidents in inner Melbourne soon grew to outlying areas, in which Subaru-ists were implicated in sightings, incidents and general impact as being of a special breed. Clearly we’ve been mis-led. We did have this other graph, (points to chart) where we believed Prius owners were top of the list, but clearly, as you can see from this graph, the Subaru Forester driver outpaces the Prius owner for aggravation’.

Natural Fibre. Source of energy for Subaru drivers can only be obtained from Sunday markets

Asked to elaborate, the president, equivocated; ‘Well, it’s startling but there’s an element of incidental truth in the observations submitted by readers. For a start we get this spike in incidents, outside Pilates studios, on weekends at fitness boot camp, outside Steiner schools on pick up, at Yoga centres on a weekday, and on Sunday markets, quite a few incidents of ‘Fibre Rage’. Fibre Rage we asked? ‘Yes that’s when two natural fibre wearing Forester drivers engage in heated argument over parking space at a Sunday market. This results in an altercation of sorts that is not resolved in the usual way, but requires on-going counselling, and mediation from a medium’. A medium? we asked. “ Yes a member of a mutually selected community resource group that resolves the issue in a non confrontational, nuanced series of contemporary dance moves. Which may require ongoing face painting, and Acapella.

It’s time consuming but all participants agree that they emerge nourished and fulfilled within themselves. We’re hoping to test it at the United Nations assembly when next it meets as a conflict resolution tool’. And do you think it will work?, ‘Yes indeed after the reconciliation, face painting, and Acapella the participants all remarked on how they felt’. And what was that?

“Nothing” .

Greg Hunt explaining the Safe-Guard mechanism. Simulated Barrier Reef backdrop taken at local Dentist.

After several years in the doldrums the burning of coal by the electricity sector is on the way up with carbon emissions from brown and black coal trending upwards. On current estimates we’re using 5 per cent more coal than last year, and after removal of the carbon tax, the indices suggest a steady rise. Coal usage is on track to exceed the benchmark set on emissions, which were set at their peak between 2009 to 2014. The Environment Minister Mr Greg Hunt was cautiously upbeat; ‘At this rate our baselines for safeguard mechanism will kick in’.

Serious about Carbon reduction. Josh Frydenberg thinking beyond the square so hard his ‘head hurt’.

As described in the guardian, the mechanism is quite simple; ‘The revelation that electricity emissions are trending steadily upwards comes as the Turnbull government begins consultations on setting “baselines” for its “safeguard” mechanism, which is supposed to ensure that rising electricity and industrial emissions don’t undo the greenhouse abatement bought through the government’s emissions reduction fund. The baselines will apply after 2020 for new facilities or significant expansions. The electricity industry will have a sector-wide baseline, with individual company baselines only kicking in if the sector-wide baseline is exceeded. But the electricity sectoral baseline will be set at the high point of sectoral emissions over the period 2009-10 to 2013-14 and individual baselines will also be set at each facility’s highest annual emissions between 2009-10 and 2013-14’.

Latrobe Valley Doctors. ” Coal related health effects yet to be proved” (Australian Council of Minerals and Energy)

Also in anticipation of the repair of the Basslink cable Brown coal emissions fell slightly in the year to March 2016, almost entirely because Victoria’s brown coal generators stopped exporting power to Tasmania. But Saddler says Tasmania’s energy crisis – caused by low rainfall and the fact that the undersea cable linking the island state to the mainland broke in December – means “large volumes of brown coal electricity are certain to flow south through the Basslink cable as soon as it has been repaired, so as to allow hydro storage levels to recover”.

Base- Guard honing his skills. ‘A flag is waved when emissions really go off the scale’, (Environment Minister)

The Minister, countering a demonstration by Latrobe Valley doctors, urging the Federal and State Governments to phase out brown coal was dismissive, describing the Federal governments plan as; ‘far- reaching, and best practise, moving forward’. ‘The baselines are really an effective carbon mitigation scheme, and though i’m hesitant to suggest it’s words best practice, the idea is that when the emissions target is exceeded the Base-line establishes an entirely new Base-line, and then once this Base-line is reached, there’s a sliding scale of carbon reduction mechanisms that kick in’.

Asked what the mechanisms were, he listed an innovative ten point plan; ‘the first is to recognise that carbon emissions are increasing, and produce a white paper. The white paper will be produced on recycled, brown paper, and the report when digested by the usual suspects, (green, environmental lobby groups) will be recycled by being fed into the furnaces at Loy Yang as a carbon abatement initiative. Our second step when emissions get really significantly BOT, (back on track) is to offset the emissions by planting trees somewhere else in Australia, or get a green rebate by planting a tree or shrub in one of our near neighbours, New Guinea or Indonesia.

Hazelwood. Set for a makeover and shelf life extended another fifty years.

And if you think that’s tokenistic, we’re actively re-painting the dirty-looking coal plants, Loy Yang, and Morwell in a green powder-coat, so they’ll look very nice, and with some solar panels, create quite a nice light show which will look very spectacular at night. It demonstrates our capacity for community investment and innovation in accordance with the ‘Ideas Boom”

The Panama Far Canal. Long term Energy investment diverted to Panama

We did have a plan to shelve the Hazelwood plant which has been described as archaic, but after submissions from the COAG energy council have decided it must be retained to assure Base-load. Base-load is offset by the Base-line. The Base-line and Base-load work in tandem with the Safe-Guard mechanism. This is operated , (and we’re finalising the specialist training right now), by engaging a Base-line Base-guard, as a highly trained specialist who has a nice uniform and will toot on this whistle, when the carbon emissions get really high. This will alert the afflicted Latrobe Valley populace that we’re really serious about doing something about climate change. And if these levels are exceeded we grant the electricity industry a tax payer rebate, a Base-Sum to offset the Base-Load, in recognition of the breach of the Base- Line, as indicated by the Base- Guard. The highly trained Base- Guard is also trained to utilise a Base- Line mitigation metric , (a piece of chalk) and draws a graph, highly visible to the public on the external surface of the cooling tower. This indicates a recognition that 2009-2014 levels have been significantly exceeded.

It indicates how serious we are about reducing, and providing incentives for these power companies to reduce their emissions. And we know that with these mechanisms, we’ll keep a lid on carbon, and these companies, will do the right thing. Because that’s what the energy industry is all about. And if you don’t believe me just understand what the head of the Carbon Utilities Network Team said to me…..”Always a far canal in Panama. The Canal in Panama is a very big Far Canal indeed’.

Jeff the purple wiggle, (retired) reeling from the Mossack Fonseca revelations.

Dear reader, only once in a while, something happens, some cataclysmic convulsive event occurs that changes our perceptions of how the world must be. And when such an event, jolts our preconceptions, we earmark that day. It’s akin to the Kennedy assassination, John Lennon’s death, the retirement of Jeff, the purple Wiggle, as an emotional precipice from which we fall into, and never recover. Such is the shock that has sent us reeling from the Mossack Fonseca revelations.

Vladimir Putin. Socking away trillions. Who would’ve believed?

The findings from the leak are insidious and challenge the very core of what we thought about civilised society. It removes once and for all our faith in the “system”, and makes us all just so world weary and jaded. At this very rotten core are the revelations that Vladimir Putin, has squirreled away billions of dollars from the Russian economy into myriad bank accounts. The secret bank accounts reveal investments in real estate, stocks and investment across the globe, and all awhile, he maintained, (this is the truly shocking part) an outward appearance of decency, humility and thrift in tune to an average Russian view of things.

Chinese president meeting H.M The Queen. Queen giving advice on how to sock away wealth respectably.

Worse still, the leaks reveal that there is systemic, corruption, nepotism and shonky-ness at the very core of the Chinese ruling elite. We were always led to believe that the former president amassed a fortune of billions from product endorsements and luck at the casino. But it is also revealed that being party leader number one as president is a cash cow that gives and just keeps giving. And it’s supposed to be a communist regime!!! The current president has also been exceedingly lucky. He’s made millions and billions by allegedly plundering state owned assets and socked it all away to distribute amongst his friends, (just like Putin) and extended family. It’s nepotism on a grand scale, and as I remember when I studied for my Confucian civil service exam back in the Sun Yat Sen era, such things as nepotism, (insidious and corrupting) were alien to Chinese civil life then, as they should be now. Sensible then that mention of it has been banned by the Chinese government. If it (nepotism and corruption) took off amongst the general population there’d be a melt- down.

‘Foreign’ Investors picking over London Real Estate.

These are the lead stories associated with the leaks. Shockingly, this will come as a convulsive surprise, a lot of tin-pot African and Middle Eastern despots have been socking away money into London real estate. It’ll put you off breakfast if I tell you just how much money has been socked away by the Saudi ruling family and their cronies. Fancy that! The Saudi’s being so secretive about their private business dealings! When as we all know in governance they’re the acme of liberalism and forward thinking-ness. It’s all very shady. But I must remind you now that there’s not anything strictly illegal about it. Just as me mate Arthur says, ” Whiffy”!

British P.M. Very cross about what his dad did to pay for his school fees.

The nice P.M, (recently retired) of Iceland.

And then there’s the innocent victims, Mr David Cameron’s dad, whilst talking about the corruption of tax havens, actually indulged in a few himself. I spose it’s a bob each way, and the poor, (figuratively speaking), rather nice P.M of Iceland has lost his job, just cos his wife failed to mention her holdings in a bank that he happened to help bail out with public funds. That’s sad, there’s always someone who gets caught in the crossfire. Sadder still, as Bob Ellis said before he karked it, ‘it all smells a bit Khemlani’, as these wicked nefarious deeds are all heralded by “foreign sounding people” without names like Smith or Brown. Thought there is the odd Cameron.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, as the ATO is investigating 800 Aussies and associated firms, that are also part of that iceberg. And with global warming, the icebergs are melting, and it’s death and disaster for all of us.

But fear not. It aint. It’s all good news, the findings reveal that this vast pile of money that could’ve been used for education, health, wisdom and goodness everywhere and all over for ordinary people will be burnt, and the icebergs will melt. And what oozes from the greed imbued aqueous slime, will nourish us all.

And why? Well it’s all science really. We only see the 1% of the iceberg that sticks its nose out of the ocean. And when or if, (after all the hoo-ha has died down and nothing will come of it) that 1 percent melts, that’s called the ‘trickle down effect’. We’ll all benefit in the long run. That’s what keeps the economy going for the benefit of all of us. There’s poetic justice in that.

By the way, just got word there’s a new Panamanian firm registered yesterday which purports to assist other law abiding citizens who have a wealth problem. It’s called Fossack Monseca, and their files, (so this prospectus says) are Incorruptible. I’m glad about that. And glad someone out there is taking action against corrupt practices seriously. Because it’s something government’s just don’t have the guts to tackle!!

Australia stands proud!

Mr Greg Hunt. Minister for Innovative Environment;’Thankfully with the ideas boom we can see that the worlds biggest reef system now cleansed of coral will open up a new era for the real driver of the Australian economy. SustainableReal Estate development’.

Today the minister for Innovative Environment, Mr Greg Hunt, deeply concerned, “ as we all are” praised the Queensland government in its approval of the Adani Coal mine.

COAG Energy Council. Innovative , forward thinking, sustainable development.

Australia’s biggest ever coal project will provide certainty to the coal sector and be a boon for jobs. Decrying an attempt by conservationists and traditional owners to stall the approval process, the minister pointed to the many positives that will flow as a consequence of certainty in the coal sector. ‘The world is at the crossroads and Australia is proud at the removal of biotic structural inhibitors to economic development . These inhibitors are holding us back. Thankfully with the ‘Ideas Boom’ we can see that the worlds biggest reef system now cleansed of coral will open up a new era for the real driver of the Australian economy. Sustainable real estate development’.

The Minister was ebullient, ‘without the reef we will now soon have the worlds longest continuous surf beach. You thought the Gold Coast was big, but that will be just a proverbial drop in the ocean’,  (much laughter).

Last Years P.M Mr Tony Turnbull at work on  establishing a new kind of federalism.

To thunderous applause he outlined the plan, ‘What does Australia need ? Certainty! What does Australian industry need, (whisper from minder), ..Well what does what’s left of Australian industry need? Certainty! What does our development industry need, Certainty? And what does our tertiary education sector, world leaders in visa conversions and internationally recognised logos require? Certainty? And what have we learned from the most recent COAG meeting?

The only way the states can pay for the way we changed health, education and infrastructure funding without prior discussion and sent their budgets spiraling, is to do what Queensland has done. Convert natural systems into viable economic assets. To give the bottom line Absolute certainty.

This year’s P.M Malcolm Abbott. Knows the value of Real Estate, and converting public assets into GOLD!!

We need to make tough decisions In Queensland, for too long we’ve been held up by a plethora of green tape, red tape and enviro tape. Now ‘enviro-tape’ is really really messy. You cant touch a tree , kiss a frog, nor fish, hunt, or bulldoze, without getting caught up in enviro tape. We’re sick of it, and as you all know our farmers have been hell bent of removing every last fragment of vegetation before the state bureacrats lock the interior up for ever. Without the reef, we can bring innovation and development to our doorstep. For too long the reef has locked up the coastline. Everyone wants a beachfront, and everyone loves the surf. Now we’ve got it all, these new developments here and here, (shows map) developed from my friends in the Property Council give certainty and employment to the risky business of environmental tourism. This represents the longest continuous chain of residential and resort development. And it’ll be internationally recognised as ‘The Greater Investment Belt. Bit like the ‘sheep-wheat belt’ only Bigger, Better, and longer lasting. I think you’ll find the ‘GIB’ establishes a new identity for Queensland and Australia. We’ve ‘Ideas Boomed’ our focus groups and come up with, ‘Florida Keys West’, ‘Miami East’, the ‘Everglades’, ‘Big Sur’, and in recognition of the complete depletion of native biota within the hinterland, ‘Dallas’.

And there’s a bonus, in recognition of secret clause, 547/23 of the recently signed free trade deal, these resorts will not be constrained by the red tape of workers rights, arbitration and union interference, because the entire apparatus will be run by indentured service workers, defined by our new working visa 417 B, category.

At Dubai, they proved what could be done in developing entire cities without a society, without an ecology and defined by the one percent, who like Shopping!! Now the one percent can travel to the east coast of Australia and enjoy watching the the other 99 percent, working for Australia’s future, their future. This is a high point in Australian tourism, because with the near vertical integration of property and indentured labour we have tangible innovation. Nothing airy-fairy. There’s certainty in Property! And it’s the innovation that counts and I can count, all the way up to ONE!!

Dear reader we were anticipating with some enthusiasm the publication of a PCbyCP exclusive today, with the first of our installments from Tony Abbott’s election Blog. But sadly, we must forestall this illuminating expose as we are locked in detailed conversation with the publishers of his upcoming book, “Santa’s little Helper”. We  are also seeking  permission to use notes and references from another key member of his political staff, (his former parliamentary secretary) who is also under contract to the same publisher. In the interests of transparency and accuracy we must bide our time, and hope that the former PM’s electoral tour and high level meetings with world leaders demonstrates that he is very much the man of the moment, and almost definately poised to be the next leader of the federal opposition, just as soon as the ‘Ideas boom’ phenomena has deflated.

A P.M and his toady. Shirt-fronting on the international stage.

So in this slightly divergent aside we bring you two more installments from Beau Dunlap our medium of the minds-eye, who arrests time, place and meaning from the hinterland of the subconscious we call sleep. Curiously though, we thought he was responsible for the near-devoluton of federalism to assuage the lack of any real policy on tax reform, but we have been assured by Beau, that was the P.M’s Mr Malcolm Abbott’s very own personal  dream.

Now from Beau:

I dreamt I was living by myself near a small village in the Bega Valley, and I was praying to special patron saints to intercede for me – in other words, for a miracle. It was a straightforward plea: “If I am good and such and such happens then I promise faithfully I will…” The burden of guilt is always strong when praying for something that goes against the usual tide of frustration and disappointment when hopes are thwarted. Miracles don’t make you feel better, they make you feel guilty because they can only occur at the expense of the millions of other frustrated and disappointed prayer sayers.

‘Boycott, who had opened the batting, was still there, like a brick wall, at the other end’.

I dreamed I was playing cricket, on the hallowed ground of the MCG, in front of a big noisy crowd. Under Test Match conditions. I was in the side batting first, and we were led by Geoffrey Boycott. It was Day 1, and I came into bat at Number 7 in the final session, just before the drinks break. Boycott, who had opened the batting, was still there, like a brick wall, at the other end. I faced one over, played and missed every ball. The umpires called drinks, and I realized I badly needed a toilet break. I turned towards the Players Rooms, but Boycott called me over and began hectoring me on the weaknesses in my technique. His voice was like one of those cheap leaf blowers, droning on about the folly of playing neither forward nor back. I couldn’t get a word in. Drinks concluded. I took off at a brisk jog for the Players’ Rooms. The game was ready to restart, and I was still off the field. Boycott was heard on stump mic, muttering imprecations, but I could not hurry the process. Like a lot of men my age I have urinary problems and an asymmetrical enlarged prostate. The delay stretched to two minutes, and the opposition captain (it was my hard-nutted son) appealed and I was given out: Timed Out. Sections of the crowd were booing and slow-clapping; others thought it discriminatory and un-Australian. The commentators were disdainful and suggested the game had been diminished. I could hear the broadcast within the change rooms. I was stunned and could do nothing but stay where I was until someone came to my rescue. I was filled with dread that it might be Geoffrey Boycott.

Listen up you literary types for our poetry editor Ira Maine Esq has again excelled in bringing verse that demonstrates the very superiority of our English language.

ANON

Originally dispatched on 2 May 2014

Så snart, jag vet. 
Vänligen, läs den i alla fall.

From my Dad’s Anecdotes:
JAN.’08- Opeens vraagt Pa: “Weet je waarom engelen vleugels hebben?” “Nee dat weet ik niet, waarom?” “Omdat de meeste mensen die sterven oud zijn, en die kunnen bijna niet meer lopen!”

I was so taken by this that I subsequently got my father to help me translate it into the other languages he was proficient in:

JAN.’08- Plötzlich bittet Vati: “Weist du, warum Engel Flügel haben?” “Nein, weis ik nicht, warum haben Sie Flügel?” “Weil die meisten Leute, wenn sie sterben, bereits alt sind, und kaum laufen können!”

Enero’08-De repente mi papá me pregunta: “¿Sabes porqué los angeles tienen alas?” “No lo sé ¿Porqué las tienen? “¡Porqué la mayoria de la gente que se muere estan viejos y ya casi no pueden caminar!”

JAN.’08-All of a sudden dad asks: “Do you know why angels have wings?” “No, I don’t, why do they? “Because most people that die are old and can hardly walk!”

A couple of months later, I added this footnote:

MARCH’08- In a book called ‘Angels’ (by Peter Lamborn Wilson) I find the following quote by Plato: “The function of the wing is to take what is heavy and raise it up into the region above, where the gods dwell…” I prefer dad’s more secular function (to help people that can hardly walk).

In May 2008 dad got to go to the University (to which he’d donated his body).

If there is a heaven, dad is now sporting a magnificent pair of wings.
Is how I concluded his story that he helped me write

Wish I had the wings of a dove…I would fly away…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYDkeS24C7g

Birds (and bats) have a right wing and a left wing. When these wings are evenly balanced it enables the birds to fly and gracefully soar, or a colibri (hummingbird) sucking nectar to remain suspended in the air without coming a cropper.

Democracies have an idealistic left wing and a pragmatic right wing. When such wings are evenly balanced societies function quite well. Such a balance existed during the Whitlam/Fraser era that gave us Aboriginal Land Rights and self-determination and the homelands movement and bilingual education. It made Yuendumu a great place to be, a great place for your children to grow up, whether you were Warlpiri or not.

When the right wing spends all its efforts on trying to ruffle the feathers on the left wing rather than trying to fly or soar, and when the left wing aspires to become more like the right wing you end up with a society incapable of graceful flight. A bird or butterfly with two right wings no more can fly than a person with two left feet can become a football star. You end up with such unjust abominations as the ‘Intervention’, the ‘four hours English only’ policy, ‘99 year leases’ and obscene amounts of money spent on top-down assimilationist ‘service delivery agencies’ intent on and failing to ‘Close the Gap’; a gap they themselves ethnocentrically defined.

Remote Aboriginal Australia isn’t given the opportunity to decide how to use its wings, nor how to teach its children to fly….

…. take these broken wings and learn to fly… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wORwlCy3JDI

An army of consultants, mentors and facilitators arrives in places like Yuendumu that take the natives under their wings, whether they like it or not. They fly in and fly out. They assume and believe the natives are incapable of flight. They teach them how to suck eggs and simultaneously clip their wings. Many chicks are removed to be fitted with other wings. A significant number are locked up to prevent them flapping their wings to the sound of a different drum. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3Nq48sHF8M

In the self proclaimed land of the ‘Fair-go’, one would have thought Aboriginal Australia would be encouraged to take what is heavy and raise it up into the region above, where the gods dwell…

As is, Aboriginal Australia is hardly allowed to walk in its own shoes.

If I could be you, if you could be me for just one hour
If we could find a way to get inside each other’s mind,
If you could see you through my eyes instead of your ego
I believe you’d be surprised to see that you’ve been blind,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI0jqAxk3cU

Tack 
Tills nästa gång

Frank

Happy Chooks lay better when they’re in a happy environment. Chook research laboratory, ( chronically underfunded) at CSIRO Werribee.

Dear reader, another scintillating piece from our man from the chook-pen Paddy O Caermeda esq, in which he opines on the state of chooks, chook sheds, the wide O-pen range, (not a bad pun that one) and the family barbeque. Do you have a barbecue?. Our readership would be fascinated by your suggestions of what constitutes the perfect barbecue. As a matter of fact they could be submitted to the P.M as an ‘Ideas Boom’ sugggestion, and who knows, perhaps manufacturing (on a small scale) may yet return to our shores..  Hmmmmm… probably not, but Paddio would know what to do about it. Doubtless!! Read on, and be amused.

Typical Small scale Free Range Chook producer.

When I was a kid we had a productive back-yard. One third was a veggie patch we had an apple tree with four different varieties, a peach tree, a lemon tree, and a chook pen. Just about everyone in the street had fruit or nut trees as well as veggie patches. Surplus was traded, if you needed something you asked, and the chooks ate the scraps and produced fresh eggs. I remember them well, peering as a toddler at their beady eyes and scratching claws. They seemed happy enough, and one day I let them out – creating chaos at a family barbeque which given the amount of beer already drunk turned into a good humoured chook race. I guess they were free range.

A non free-range environment for humans. 100 % designed by professional human designers.

Today in their wisdom, those leaders who make up COAG decided that the legal definition of Free-range is 10,000 chooks to a hectare. That’s one chook to one square metre. I think they are taking their definition of free from the rule book for detention centres. They are less unanimous about the Exciting Times proposal from the Prime Minister to devolve income tax collecting and have the States pay for public schools. The Victorian Premier caught the mood nicely when he said to call it a thought bubble was to dignify it above its station.

Are we really that stupid? Does Malcom Turnbull really think we will buy this as the solution to a funding shortfall for hospitals and schools written in to the forward estimates in the disastrous and yet to be passed first Hockey-Abbott budget? Is the unravelling of Federation the way to fix this?

As a merchant banker outsourcing is a first response. Make the States pay for what they want. Never mind that Tasmania has possibly more social welfare beneficiaries than taxpayers or South Australia has a dwindling working population. And as for the egregious suggestion that State education is a State matter but Federal Funding will still go to the Catholic and Private Schools the less said the better. If this goes to the election they should lose. The cross-bench senators should pass his so called election trigger and then pick his budget to bits, destroy his uncertain hold. If he gets his way then I will be planting the veggies and building the chook pen.

The barter market is the only way to go as the taxes pile up, and disadvantage becomes ever more entrenched.