Our helpful guide in pursuing an AO. (an interlude from the election coverage)

Dear reader we are often asked, “How do we provide such worth to the community in such a spirit of public largesse”? Our response; not for the good for it, the warm inner glow, but the knowledge, firmly based that our charitable works place us in perfect line to receive, an Order of Australia. Indeed, we’ve worked up quite a sub consultancy in assisting other noteworthy heavy lifters in our society to achieve their aim. That discrete little emblem on the lapel, and the modesty of recognition when in the public realm. Self satisfaction is its own reward. And never forget the ingratitude of those recalcitrants, (Dick Smith and the like) who’ve openly refused an A.O. That is the apotheosis of being “Un -Australian”.

Johnnie Howard got one for civilising Iraq, and setting off the next hundred years war.

Public and Charitable Works? Of particular concern is the delusion, that an AO requires a prodigious task of pubic works This is a Furphy, a compete nonsense. More often than not an AO is awarded to an individual for just doing their work. And they get paid handsomely as well. We believe, and stand corrected that the rise to this emblem of mediocrity is all about principle 101; ‘It’s all about who you know’. So for the edification for those who also require the ultimate expression of public trust we give you this ten point guide to ensure that your application is endorsed, accepted and promulgated. It’s a proven plan, and all we demand in return is that the recipient send us money, postal note, cheque to the value of one hundred dollars to our headquarters, (IPA Adjunct Office P. O Box 111 Carlton). So obey the ten commandments and make your A.O (Absolutely ordinary). a cert.

PCbyCP’s Twelve Point Plan

Phil the Greek got one, (a Special One), and barely had room enough to fit it on his tunic.

1 If you’ve never ever done anything, publicly spirited, canvass a minimum of half a dozen individuals within the public and private realm and offer then inducements to say nice things about you. Always remember personal real estate acquisition is referred to as ‘wealth distribution’. You can always use property to manifest public spiritedness. That’s how Australia works. Keep submissions to minimum 400 words, Verbose testimonials are incomprehensible, as judges prefer dot points.

2 Get onto a board. Several will be excellent. Sure fire bets are Arts boards as you’ll have openings and functions in which drink is freely distributed. The overall benefit to the community is unfathomable.

3 Assume that the voting committee are as vainglorious, self serving and pompous as yourself. Defer from using the first personal singular to the third person plural. Such english usage sanctifies the text.

4 Compile a CV of your public and professional duties.  Photographs taken at significant events are important.  If you haven’t got any, attend the Red Cross Telephon, any opening at the Venice Biennale, or any Moomba sub-committee.

These poor fellows had to return theirs, due to some misunderstanding as to how society works.

5 Be aware of disadvantaged people. Bonus points for having photograph taken with disabled or marginalised folk. Mental heath victims are preferable as any public photo can be captioned, “mental health open day” That establishes your credentials as compassionate and caring.

6 Get on a church or school board. You may loathe education and church, but being on the board, establishes you credentials as community minded.

If you wear a uniform and are trained to KILL people, you are much more likely to get an A.O.

7 Write you autobiography. Enmesh yourself into the story of Australia. You may be a suburban real estate agent, but by changing, such terms as real estate, subdivision and Mortgage finance, into ‘Community wellness’, ‘prosperity, sharing’ and ‘social contract’, you’ll strike the right key with those community minded.

8 Be earnest. The AO Committee hates self deprecating individuals, be bold and strike out. If you’ve made lots of money, even if you inherited it, tell them how you started from nothing, and how, via tax incentives, and philanthropy, describe how you gave it all away for the benefit of human kind.

9 Go to the RSPCA and be seen with a lost dog. Always guaranteed to work

This entertainer got one for working with Children.

10 Be seen with children.

11 Describe how your life struggle reflects the glorious noble evergreen legacy of Anzacs and national hero-dom.

12 And on a final note, never ever question the status Quo. If there’s one thing that AO committee cannot stand, it’s those who have the potential to bite the hand that feeds them. Talk of dis-advantage and lack of opportunity, but never ever disparage government.

AO testimonials. We also offer a service to write testimonials, and next week we shall be presenting favoured testimonials as submitted to the AO awards Subcommittee, it makes for compelling reading.

Our man In LONDON. Sir Lynton of the lowest common denominator.

According to leading sephologist, the Textor/Crosby effect will see at some stage a dead cat dropped onto the election table.

We at PCbyCP are excited by the ‘dead cat moment’, and understand that you, the hapless voter, will need to be attuned to understand the precise moment the dead cat singularity occurs.

Funds diverted from Climate Science at CSIRO to ensure worthwhile research into dead cat singularity.

We thought, the moment had arrived last week, when Dutton decried the “illiterates” flooding the economy, That was our dead cat, but it was just a presentiment of the dead cat to come. What will be the dead cat moment? Tremors have begun. Mr Joyce suggested that the boat people crisis was a consequence of the live beef exports. Another dead cat moment?

Nup just a tremor.

Noel Pearson, (the first Noel) being congraulated by Tony Turnbull, (former P.M) on establishing unworkable education experiment in Queensland. Looking on admiringly the real P.M of Australia, Rupert Ceasar, ‘ruler of everything’, ( ‘buyer of souls, Lord of darkness’, etc.etc.)

Then from the Jimmy whatsit show, Johnny Depp suggested that the Deputy Prime Minister was the result of interbreeding between a human and a tomato. Mr Depp suggested that the deputy was likely to explode. That was not a dead cat moment, that was a leitmotif to the general circus. Mr Joyce, Described as ‘Barnaby Jones’ by Depp, was equivocal suggesting Mr Depp get over it. But I understand Johnny, it’s cost him his marriage, clearly a consequence of the Boo and Pistol incident. Barnaby suggested that if they didn’t bugger off they’d be put down. A dead dog moment perhaps, but I cant be retrospective. Dead dogs are not a Dead Cat Moment.

Could’ve been ‘Safe Schools’. That leftist claptrap threatened the sanctity of aussie kiddie- hood. But George,(Christiansen) has already made his stand. Still we’re excited about Mr Morrison talking about negative gearing and proof, courtesy of the Property Council, that it’ll lead us to the end of Christendom, and civilisation as we know it. But once again, not a gold-edged dead cat moment. So we wait. Will it be children overboard? The threat of a intractable disease brought upon us by people from Africa?

Lynton is well known in the U.K.

We cannot predict which way Crosby Textor will go, but rumours abound. There was a rumour that the coalition could go all gay, and out the Minster for Science and Technology. Or wait for it, suggest that China could be on the verge of financial meltdown. That’ll send a tremor. But it can’t ever ever happen, cos China’s leadership tell us so. We feel it ‘ll be about jobs and growth and border security. Labor, will be wedged. It’ll be a defence contract perhaps? The sacred heartland of our noble, self sacrificing, eternal flame of Anzac? Perhaps some labor aparatchik, (Stephen Conroy) will question our noble pursuit of civilising the middle east, and cast doubt upon the heroic noble and eternally righteous sons of Anzac who have annointed the heathen, the wretched and the idolatrous with progress?

Could Malcolm be his own “Dead Cat Moment”?

Unfortunately it’ll be neither of those. The Dead Cat Moment will come in the form of the usual. A scare campaign.

If you vote labor, you’ll lose your house. You wont be able to send your kiddies to a private school and those who have ridden the road to real estate success may have to part with some of their bounty by giving a fragment to a lazy slob. It doesn’t matter how much. It’s the principle. And that’s neither here nor there. Ether way you lose. Keep the faith, play it safe, Vote Liberal. Cos that’s what the Liberals are famous for; ‘continuity and change’. Ideas are dangerous.

Bring on the Dead Cat.

First published here 21 June 2015

A Lover’s Anger,
by Matthew Prior

As Cloe came into the Room t’other Day, 
I peevish began; Where so long cou’d You stay? 
In your Life-time You never regarded your Hour: 
You promis’d at Two; and (pray look Child) ’tis Four. 
A Lady’s Watch needs neither Figures nor Wheels: 
‘Tis enough, that ’tis loaded with Baubles and Seals. 
A Temper so heedless no Mortal can bear— 
Thus far I went on with a resolute Air. 
Lord bless Me! said She; let a Body but speak: 
Here’s an ugly hard Rose-Bud fall’n into my Neck: 
It has hurt Me, and vext Me to such a Degree— 
See here; for You never believe Me; pray see, 
On the left Side my Breast what a Mark it has made. 
So saying, her Bosom She careless display’d. 
That Seat of Delight I with Wonder survey’d; 
And forgot ev’ry Word I design’d to have said.

Comments by our Poetry Editor, Ira Maine

It is curious and interesting to note how almost accidentally reputations are made. Previously we have spoken of the poet John Clare and how he was supported, financially throughout his life by various members of the British aristocracy.  One hundred years before Clare was born, a Matthew Prior, (1664-1721) the son of a joiner was born in Middlesex, not far from London.  On moving into London, his father (surely at great personal sacrifice) put him to Westminster School.  Shortly after this his father died and young Prior went to stay with an uncle, a well regarded London vintner.  A Lord Dorset, presumably whilst buying wine, heard young Prior reading Horace and demanded of him that he translate a piece.  This was done so successfully that Dorset offered to pay for his continued schooling.

Prior made such good friends and useful connections at Westminster that, having taken a BA at Cambridge (1686) he spent most of the rest of his life serving various governments in  roles as various as Chief Secretary for Ireland (1697-1699)  MP for East Grinstead and Ambassador to France from 1713 to 1714.

Prior, at a political low point,  also spent a couple of years in prison (1715-1717) having been impeached by Robert Walpole for some disgraceful political indiscretion.  Remarkably he wrote some of his finest pieces whilst incarcerated.

In the age of satire, of Swift, Dryden and Pope, there was heaps of room for a gifted satirist of Prior’s stamp and his work is hugely well regarded today.

‘A Lover’s Anger’ demonstrates how easily we poor chaps are distracted from the task in hand.

Chloe finally arrives, two hours late, at the appointed rendezvous. Scathingly her lover, stuffed to the gills with frustration, points out that her watch and chain serves no useful purpose whatever other than somewhere to hang-

‘…baubles and seals…’

Mere decorations, flibbertigibbets and gauderies which serve no useful purpose in the business of timekeeping.  The man is fit to be tied!  Blue in the face!  Where the hell has she been?  You can just imagine his fists clenching and unclenching as he storms around the room.

‘…Where so long could you stay?…’

‘…a temper so heedless no mortal can bear!…’  (no mortal could accept so unfeeling and heartless an attitude)

How dare you treat me this way!  He undoubtedly  screeches, as his clenching and his fuming reach a vituperative crescendo.

And then, and then…methinks the lady doth protest…

“…Lord bless me!’ said she: ‘let a body but speak:

Here’s an ugly hard rosebud fallen into my neck;…’(Oh dear me, what can it possibly be?)

And then, poor thing, she begs him to-

‘…See here; for you never believe me; see here’…’

And then God help her, and careless of her precious modesty because she needs to convince him , she, replete with maidenly blushes,

bares herself-

‘…On the left side of my breast what a mark it has made….’

Oh, what a glorious bunch of foolish knaves we are when pitted against the irresistible wiles of women.  What man in his right mind could resist young Chloe’s subtle ploy?  What a privilege, what an honour, what a breathless-

‘…seat of delight…surveyed…’

It’s a ploy that would, in an instant, and without a doubt, drive everything else from a chap’s mind and cause one to simply bow down and worship at the feet of a master.

“…And forget every word I designed to have said…’

Women…glorious, glorious women… long may the subtly unbuttoned blouse continue to grant you power over us all…

Originally dispatched on 1 June 2014

‘That’s alright then’

доброе утро товарищи dobroye utro tovarishchi

From my dad’s anecdotes:

In Buenos Aires, dad befriended a Pilipino musician called Al Acosta. Al Acosta y su conjunto Hawaiiano had a weekly show on the radio. It was La hora de PalmoliveThe Palmolive Hour. Al Acosta and his band had even visited our home, and listening to his show was a must in the Baarda household. Those days most radio shows were live.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxHPGuBhnrg  No te vayas, no te vayas de Zamboanga (an Al Acosta regular)

One evening dad returned from the city and asked if we’d listened to Al Acosta that day. Of course we had. Had we noticed anything unusual? No, the show was as good as ever. Well it so happened that dad had gone to the studio, as he often did, and the lead singer was late, so dad jumped in and sang the first two songs, as if he’d been singing with the band all his life. No one listening (including his own family) was any the wiser. The songs were in English (‘Moon over Miami’ was one of them).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAiegL3J5KE  Dad hadn’t yet learned English, he would have sung them in English gobbledygook

At parties dad would sometimes sing very convincing ‘Russian’ songs. Russian gobbledygook.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3scgW-aghr4

One of the most memorable scenes in the film ‘A Fish called Wanda” is when Archie (John Cleese) does a ‘strip tease’ whilst waxing lyrical in Russian  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSK3BpSfULo This clip was “cut off” at a most crucial point, when Archie exclaims “That’s alright then!”

We were in Spain just over a decade after Francisco Franco had died. Spaniards had barely stopped looking over their shoulders. We couldn’t find many people that had a kind word for their former leader. “Cuando estaba Franco no habia ladrones” (During Franco’s rule, there were no thieves)  proclaimed one of the people I engaged in conversation. That’s alright then!

Many years later in conversation with a Chilean expatriate I was told that “Gracias a Pinochet, Chile no se hizo comunista” (Thanks to Pinochet Chile did not become communist). That’s alright then!

After the end of the Vietnam war, Australia, a signatory to the UN ‘Convention relating to the Status of Refugees’ (and a participant in that war), welcomed a large number of Vietnamese refugees to this land; many of whom came by boat.

Current Australian bipartisan policies applied to so called ‘boat people’ are less than welcoming. Bizarre non-sequiturs are pronounced (“We must disrupt the business plan of the people smugglers”) to justify the indefinite detention of human beings. The current Australian federal government fought the last election using the three word slogan “Stop the Boats”.

It is one of the few election promises they’ve kept. With great pride they boast about having stopped the boats. That’s alright then!

Iraq was alleged to posses weapons of mass destruction (WMD). An Intervention was planned. In March 2003 Iraq was invaded. The WMD failed to materialize. Saddam Hussein was deposed. That’s alright then!

In 2005 it was revealed that the Australian Wheat Board (AWB) had channeled millions of dollars to the Saddam Hussein regime in what became known as the ‘AWB oil-for-wheat scandal’. The then responsible Minister (one of my all time favorite Australian Ministers!) Alexander Downer denied all knowledge of the baksheesh رشوه That’s alright then!

In 2007 Mal Brough (another of my all time favorite Australian Ministers!) alleged that there were paedophile rings operating on remote Aboriginal communities. An Intervention was planned. In June 2007 the Northern Territory Emergency Response (The NTER) was launched. The paedophile rings failed to materialize. A propaganda blitz convinced the Australian voter belt that “something had to be done”. Something was done. That’s alright then!

The ABTA (Aboriginal Benefits Trust Account) was set up as a conduit for Royalty Equivalents derived from mineral exploitation on Aboriginal Land, as defined under the Aboriginal Land Rights (Northern Territory) Act 1976,  to be allocated for the benefit of NT Aborigines. Quietly since, the ‘Trust’ has been dropped, and it is now the Aboriginal Benefits Account.

Trust in me baby … https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SesWRweA4fM

The Intervention included the declaration of 73 ‘Prescribed Areas’. These areas had 5-year compulsorily acquired leases slapped on them. The NTER legislation made provision for ‘fair compensation’ to be paid to the Traditional Owners for these 5-year leases. When it came time to pay, Jenny Macklin (yet another of my all time favorite Australian Ministers!)’s Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs (FaHCSIA) started paying this compensation from ABA funds. When objections to this sleight of hand were raised, Jenny Macklin declared that the ABA was for the benefit of Aborigines and that compensation payments benefited Aborigines. That’s alright then!

In the film Utopia, John Pilger asks the former Minister for Indigenous Health, Warren Snowdon (would it surprise you if I told you he is another of my all time favorite Australian Ministers?), why in the 23 years he represented the Northern Territory in the Federal Parliament, so little progress had been made in improving the health of his constituents. We are doing a lot at present, the next generation of Aborigines will be much healthier, he replied. That’s alright then!

…. Cause every little thing gonna be alright!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGYAAsHT4QE

Каждая мелочь будет все в порядке!
До свидания сейчас
Фрэнк

Kazhdaya meloch’ budet vse v poryadke!
Do svidaniya seychas
Frenk

Soon to be unemployed Ford workers celebrate suicide prevention by being scared out of their wits!!!

Staggering news. Australia leads the world.  First in Indigenous incarceration, and first in suicide. Truly an index of the lucky country at work.

Members of the SUMP Taskforce exploring mental health welfare metrics.

So serious is this explosion in self disposal the federal government has set up a ‘Suicide Prevention Task-force’. The Task-force; The Juvenile Utility Metrics Programme (J.U.M.P) is an initiative that aims to provide long-term solutions to this serious issue. Leading the initiative are a board of hand-picked experts. The Chair, Mr Fulcrum T Feather-bedder Stated; ‘categorically, we need to see a massive increase in funding for this issue. Youth suicide and suicide amongst males predominately is out of control! Unless something changes there’ll be no one left to run Seven Eleven’s, do high level service sector jobs, toilet cleaning and floor scrubbing, and no one left to pick up the slack left since we lost manufacturing.

The head of the Suicide Utility Metric Prevention (S.U.M.P) Task-Force was at pains to point out the complexity of the problem. Pointing to a graph he indicated a line rising almost in geometric progression off the scale. ‘This is how serious it is’, (pausing, just long enough to be spoken to by a minder, the head of the task force blushed), ‘excuse me ladies and gentlemen, this is the wrong graph’. Asked what it alluded to, a spokesman for the department stated; ‘That’s the rise in costs for advertising, and ancillary performance based outcomes’. Performance based outcomes we enquired?, ‘Errr, salaries, You don’t think health-care and suicide prevention comes cheap! We’ve got to pay the experts to get to the bottom of it. Not that they ever get to see the loonies on the coal face so to speak, but they understand the Bigger Picture’. The Big Picture we enquired? ‘You pay peanuts, you get monkeys’.

Could it be that unplanned, spiralling, laissez-faire speculative capitalism and the feudalisation of the general population,  may impact on mental health?

On hand the chair of the Australian Property Council decried the embarrassing statistic. We’ve looked at all the indices, and were flummoxed. These new estates, (pointing to another map) shows strong growth in estates all across the urban fringe as the epicentre of this epidemic. No public transport, no community infrastructure, no jobs, no social networks, and whaddaya think they do? They top themselves. It’s just not cricket. Proof that the leaners are letting themselves down in spite of our best efforts to give them a mortgage, meaning and the capacity as consumers to … Consume. What do they possibly think we can do to help them? We’re flat chat creating new estates, and opportunities for investors, and these people, ungrateful I may add, seem hell bent on topping themselves. Not only do they let down the wider community, but they let down the shareholders. Though, there’s always a silver lining, if they own property it can be redistributed, that’s the life cycle. Suicide is not an end in itself’. As the accountant said to the acturist, “ it’s a beautiful set of figures”.

New Subdivison potential. Only 395 kms from city fringe.

On hand to provide a counter, Mr Des Dunt, (unemployed and deceased from Wendouree) countered: ‘If you gave us meaningful work and a sense of optimism, it wouldn’ve happened, We don’t all want to be home-owners and consumers, Some of us want to make a contribution to society’. Scoffing, the head of the government task-force put Mr Dunt down by reassuring him; ‘Personal happiness is not what mental illness is all about. ‘That’s overstated, perfectly unhappy people go onto do great things. Mr Dutton for example, has displaced his unhappiness by constructively persecuting other dispossessed wastrels and slobs. If we’re going to protect big business and provide for jobs and growth ‘happiness’ is immaterial. And besides, someone has to take control and that involves significant risks’.

Asked what risks, emotional, physical, reputational? ‘Nah mate, my pay packet, It’s another board, but I prefer the paying ones, because at the end of the day I know one eternal truth. Nothing will ever change. Remember Aboriginal deaths in Custody? Point Made. Because no one really cares, nothing will change. It doesn’t affect the legislators, and is, excuse me for saying it, another good little earner for the real estate sector. Pretending to care, is what nourishes our society. Incidentally, I’m in line for an A.O. And as donations are 100% tax deductible, it’s good business.  I’ll point to a proven model that espouses spiritual and emotional nourishment whilst protecting real estate. And as an offset protects the Status Quo.

The fundamental driver of the economy.

What model we asked?

‘The churches’.

dissafected younger voter.

Reports are filtering through that there’s a disturbing trend amongst young voters. Those in the 18 to 25 range, they’re not bothering to enrol. Worse still, Independent research indicators suggest they’re completely dis-engaged from the political process. Asked by principle sephologist Anthony Turnin-Green: ‘Who do you think will win’? They replied, ‘North Melbourne”. The phenomena points to a general decline in political interest amongst the younger members of the electorate who describe political parties as irrelevant. ‘It’s difficult to inspire young people with the ‘Ideas Boom’, the Innovation Revolution’, the ‘Thought Bubble’ and the mantra of ‘Jobs and Growth’. Theses entreaties to join the jobs and growth revolution fall on death ears. They don’t care. Admittedly they represent a whole new category of non voters. They haven’t got a job, will never have a house, will either be unemployed or shoulder a massive student debt’. Mr Green added, their disillusionment has not been seen on such a scale since Alaric promised the Romans safety during the great sacking of 410, or the occassion of the decree of Justinian declared washerwomen and harlots free from the tax benefit 23 B and the increment offset wages index balance requirement section 33 B for an entire year.

Alaric recounts the great sacking of Rome 410 (a.d) to adoring members of the IPA

Happy workers boosting the economy for four dollars an hour.

Trial low-cost housing on the urban fringe. A Property Council ‘Youth Engagement Initiative’.

Seizing the gravity of the situation the electoral commission has sought advice from the IPA, the banks, the churches, the Property Council and the Minerals and Energy Council and they have responded with imagination and vision. Their proposal seeks to divest the younger voter from the onerous requirement of voting and in exchange for their mutual acceptance, an enterprise bargaining agreement will ensure a minimum four dollar an hour wage rebate. They, (the inductees) will work in the mining sector, call centres, and as builders labourers for a term indexed to twenty years. ‘At this rate their propensity for this sector to be engaged in the political process will be offset by a real commitment to Jobs and Growth. It’s a win win situation, and when they’ve reached the mean age of forty we will enrol them and sign them up to a mortgage in one of our exciting new suburbs, land -banked beyond the current growth boundary’.

‘a child born in 2016 will have the fulsome opportunity to purchase a caravan’

Indeed as every day passes of this election there are a raft of clever, innovative and imaginative propositions being put to younger voter. Just the other day at a Property Council Forum, “ Negative Gearing to Prosperity” hosted in the Crown Palladium Ballroom, the Prime Minister Malcolm Abbott enthused; ‘that with current modelling projections, a child born in 2016 will have the fulsome opportunity to purchase a caravan, within the fifty mile growth ring projected by the UDIA and the REIV, own it outright by 2065. And with the projected growth in the service industry, they’ll be able to find rewarding jobs in the growing aged aged care sector, and pay for the care themselves by selling their caravans or humble abodes to offset the costs. At this rate the plan is to have aged care inductees on the 457 scheme offset the costs by working in the kitchens, toilets or rubbish collection. There are so many spheres, cleaning, floor scrubbing, and french polishing that could be made by these inductees to make a contribution to their care’.

Asked whether wealthier sectors of the community will be required to offset their care, the P.M laughed; ‘I don’t think you understand the way the political system works. They have money, some of the actually earnt it, and to question their right to benefit from those who couldnt gain a foothold on the ladder of opportunity is to question the very foundation of a free and enterprising society. To do that would destroy the work ethic, and undermine the founding principles of ‘Jobs and Growth’.

It’s a higher order thing that is unassailable ordained to us from above’.

“By God”? We asked,

The P.M laughed both paternalistically and good naturedly,

‘God, NO! my child, the Banks’!!

Dear reader a fragment to relieve you from the tedium of the election. We often forget with each passing of the electoral cycle, (now more frequent than occurred in post war Italy) the first Australians get their just deserts. For a taste of what they’ve endured over the past decade, this piece suggests you take a look at Amy McGuire’s Interview, (click this link and then play the video), and spare a thought for those who’ve yet to benefit from the ‘trickle down effect’, ‘the Ideas Boom’, the ‘Innovation revolution’, and the ‘thought bubble’. The NT now tops the world in male incarceration ,and some credit should be given where it‘s due to the smiling Obersturmbahnfeuhrerinen* of the Gulags to the near North, Gauleiter Macklin.‘And remember for a brighter stronger future… We recommend you use “ Whitewash” comes in a convenient 500 gram or one kilogram box for added convenience’.

Greater Western Dividing Range and Lake Dutton. Nation Building project.

Other Fragments: Dear reader we are often asked, “What sterling work is being undertaken to assist the wretched, dispossessed, and god- forsaken first australian from poverty, alcoholism and self abuse? We are glad then to revisit upon this empty space the two recent initiatives proposed by the Justice Commission and the “Opening up the North to Real Estate Commission’, to deliver prosperity to the wretched denizens of the hinterland.   Firstly, the Greater Dividing Range across the entire western seaboard, will ensure that reliable rainfall will green the desert wastelands. These arid sands will be converted into the market garden of the interior. Fully owned by Coles and Woolworths, the First Australians will be encouraged to work as indentured labourers. Their reward, a final resting place with their spirits on the shores of the super enlarged Lake Eyre, renamed; ‘Lake Dutton’.

Youth Justice. Designed in co-operation with Border Force and N.T Corrections the Fully automatic ‘Remote Justce Super-Sucker’ is designed to collect, process and deliver to corrections facilities within the N.T and W.A the full spectrum of justice conditoned clients. Coal powered, (courtesy of the Minerals and Energy Council) the Super Sucker, is a one stop shop, that ensures that fare evaders, unlicensed and unroadworthy vehicle drivers, jay walkers and occasional drunks are pocssed, and diverted to ensure that the 1 percent of  those who choose to remain in remote  communities are Safe. Fully automated and 100 perent effective.

The ‘Remote Justice Super- Sucker’,  (Hunter-Gatherer) Development of the “Hunter Gatherer’ a fully automated processing and collections device for fine evaders. Note; coal powered (courtesy the Minerals and Energy Council). Note magnetic unroadworthy car gatherer and control capsule. Also mineral sampler to provide on stream analysis of recently vacated land. Coal residue and fare invaders processed in the “bag” attached to main collections duct.

‘We thought Mr Fifield would be receptive, as he himself was tutored by our senior staff from the ‘active mimicry’ and drama department’.

Devastating news comes to us on a daily basis detailing just how deep the latest round of funding cuts have been in the cultural sector. The internationally recognised ‘School of Mimes’ reports to us that after the cuts to the sector in the 2013-14 year, they had to sell off their infrastructure to a Chinese government based consortium. And now as a consequence of the 2014-15 cuts they, bereft of buildings, teaching staff and syllabus must carry on in whatever improvised space they can find. Currently, an open paddock at the rear of what used to be the Fisherman’s Bend proving ground at Holden’s. However we are informed that this makeshift, temporary facility will be subject to an ‘exciting new innovative development’ as an integrated multi tiered technology park. A block of flats. The school will be forced to move on.

A spokesperson for the School of Mimes, made their plea to the Federal Arts Minister Mitch Fifield and was received with ‘death ears’. “It’s a deplorable state of affairs, we’ve trained some of the greatest mimes in Australian theatre and politics over half a century. Our proudest achievement, the grounding we’ve given to the current crop of federal politicians. They’ve used our skills and teaching to reach out to the vast bulk of the Australian population, and what have they rewarded us with in recognition? More cuts. We thought Mr Fifield would be receptive, as he himself was tutored by our senior staff from the ‘active mimicry’ and drama department. We thought he would make an outstanding arts minister. Instead, he seems to fail to grasp that mime is a serious art-form. A good performance demands wit and depth. And it’s important to remain in character whilst on stage.

Another recent graduate from the School of Mimes.

Problem is he thinks he is an Arts Minister! As a member of the theatrical industry, he must also sustain those who follow in his path. He’s jumped the shark. By actually thinks he is an Arts Minister and relegating us to the bottom of the heap, he will now reap a bitter harvest . He just doesn’t get it. And besides he was meant to be funny!

A graduate from the School of Mimes who was unable to transition to Parliament as “convincing”

Similarly there’s reports that among the numerous cuts to theatre, the much anticipated annual play by the Yarraville Repertory to be held at the Spotswood performing arts trust will be cancelled. “This year we were to put in a contemporary play which celebrated the community and those devoted to ensuring that those unheralded heroes who volunteer their time and effort in celebrating culture were recognised. We sent off, (as is our requirement) the script of the play to the federal arts authorities to receive our meagre funding allocation, which pays for hire of the hall, and the printing of leaflets. Last year, we were asked to insert “ Celebrate the Ideas Boom’ into every scene, which was difficult, and conditional to funding. This year to our surprise, we discovered that funding was conditional on changing the theme of ‘Nurture and Nature’, to ‘Jobs and Growth’. It’s impossible, our play was based entirely upon the premise that our lead character, wheelchair bound, LGBTI and deaf, found solace in working as a volunteer in our community. When we requested the play be unchanged, the response was to insert “ Glorious Anzac’ and we just couldn’t do it. The play was pitched as a drama.  It wasn’t meant to be funny.

In drama it’s important to engage the audience and make the premise believe-able. We just couldn’t do it. Though we tried, we just couldn’t alter the script enough to put our hero, the LGBTI wheelchair community volunteer onto the beaches at Gallipoli. And after our latest entreaty, the response from the Ministers office?; ‘You must suffer to create good art’. Got to admit though, he’s a shit mime, but he gets irony”

Driving the ship of state. Mr Dutton; ‘The four oarsmen of the Acropolis’. Four Wise Men. Literate and numerate. Making Australia Great!!

Dear reader. You may well be aware that things are not good on the immigration front. We at PCbyCP are deeply concerned that the wrong type of person is gaining access to our glorious democratic and free thinking society. We share the Minister for Immigration Peter Dutton’s concern that in spite of the best checks and balances we are allowing illiterates into this country. This is a deep seated problem that’s draining the economy. Its burdensome for the heavy lifters; Australian Industry, Banks, the Property Council, the Churches, and the Minerals and Energy Council just to name a few. They, as proven, possessed with the ‘Ideas Boom’, can’t stoop to pick up wastrels, leaners and the malcontents who choose to remain ,stubbornly innumerate, illiterate and ignorant. Why waste education on them? To drain the nations coffers?

Another literate Minister seen reading a book. ‘Beat That you Illiterate (foreign) Bastards!’!!

The message is clear. Our culture is so deep, illiterates will just not fit in.

George Christiansen M.P. Leading by example.

It’s bad enough that some first Australians still refuse to accept the ‘Queen’s English’ as the lingua franca, (excuse the mixed metaphor) so to speak of civilised people the world over. Incredibly, it has come to our attention that in remote parts they actively seek to maintain a link to their native tongue which is an ongoing cause of great frustration and disharmony. How could we then accept other foreign types are arriving here, without a basic understanding of our customs and idiom. Not to mention, the love we all share, beyond reproach to the glorious noble, self sacrificing tradition of Anzac as the singular unquestioned unifying force of nationhood.

These types, (and you’ll excuse us of characterising the vast bulk of them as a type) are ill suited to our society. Though they may speak with some fluency in their chosen tongue, Somali, Syrian, or some other tin-pot Middle Eastern sump, they are still functionally illiterate. Arriving here constitutes a drain on our resources. If unchecked, they will doubtlessly destroy the very institutions that make this country innovative, forward looking and progressive.

Aussie kids understand at birth both literature and the glorious noble sacrifice of Anzac as an eternal truth that shall never diminish. Intrinsic to the value of our Educashion system.

The Minister is being cautious in his english usage, because being a statesman he is versed only in the niceties of ‘diplomatic speak’. There are certain requirements and protocols befitting a person of his standing as representative, of us. This forbids him the freedom of expression and clarity that we require when sending a message to those from far flung cesspits of human depravity, that their type is not needed. And we are concerned that his casuistry, caution and tact, will go unheeded. We, (the society) need to help him. It is up to us, to assist him in this task. And make it clear to those who can’t deal with figures, language and education to understand clearly what he is trying, very subtly to say. His message is simple and clear, Lets spell it out then.

If you cannot read this message, we suggest you fuck off!!

And if you require an interpreter the message is doubly clear, in arabic, cuneiform and Cyrillic, the government of Australia suggests most politely Fuck OFF!!

Expressing the full majesty of English language. ” Jobs and Growth”! (and cuts to educashion)

Our Don.

These are vexed times and we at PCbyCP are committed to ensure that or readership is cogniscent of the threat posed by illiterates. Just the other day we confronted a recently arrived refugee, (of the most desperate ‘foreign’ type) and asked for a quotation from Shakespeare. We received for our effort a blank stare of abject ignorance. We then attempted to engage the individual in some discussion of Thucydides, and questioned his, (for he was a male) grasp of Euclid, drawing on particular reference to the ‘Eighth theory of Optics’. Once again a look of abject and all consuming ignorance. We quoted Satres, Flaubert, Proust and Joyce. No reaction. And then, in a pique of frustration hummed the opening bars of ‘Ernie, the fasted milkman in the West’ , (nothing). Lastly in a explosion of frustration, we asked the individual; ‘what was Bradman’s, test average’? With anticipation we thought the fool could grasp at this, but worriedly, he pretended to be busy and made off. You’d think at the very least, nurtured and succored within the bosom of our commonwealth he’d try and make a stab. But, ignorant, illiterate, and abject he departed without so much as a bye your leave.

Mr Dutton, courageously has made his point. It is beholden to all of us to protect the integrity of this nation and ensure that the Illiterate don’t gain a foothold. He is, as quoted by the P.M Malcolm Abbott, as; ‘a most exceptional Minister’. We’re glad he knows what it takes to be part of ‘Team Australia’. To have full command of both the english language and numeracy. And the value of it. For the good of humanity. A grasp of Imagination and language.

Two words will suffice; ‘Jobs and Growth’.

NEVER AGAIN WOULD BIRDSONG BE THE SAME.

A poem by Robert Frost.

Robert Frost was born in San Francisco in 1874. By 1913 he had published his first book, and by 1924 had the first of his four Pulitzer Prizes under his belt. Other horrible things happened to him as well. In 1934 his youngest child died. Four years later his wife, Elinor died. Then, appallingly, his son Carol died in 1940. As if this wasn’t enough, as if the Gods had not visited enough horror on the poor man, the Fates gave him a daughter with mental illness. How the hell he survived all this is absolutely beyond me.

In Frost’s late 60s, in 1942, he produced a body of work entitled ‘A Witness Tree’ The book took its name from the following poem;

A WITNESS TREE.

He would declare and could himself believe

That the birds there in the garden round

From having heard the daylong voice of Eve

Had added to their own an oversound,

Her tone of meaning but without the words.

Admittedly an eloquence so soft

Could only have had an influence on birds

When call or laughter carried it aloft.

Be that as may be, she was in their song.

Moreover her voice upon their voices crossed

Had now persisted in the woods so long

That probably it never would be lost.

Never again would birdsong be the same.

And to do that to birds is why she came.

END.

You cannot be academic or indeed dispassionate in the face of this. Here’s Frost,  a short time later, remembering his family’s brief time on earth. He is remembering how vital, how lifegiving, how indeed transforming their contribution to his life had been, and how diminished he is now by their loss. He knows now too well the emptiness that goes hand-in-hand with the knowledge that once he had a  Paradise of his own in his grasp.

More than this, and this is a stunning compliment, the poet believes that birdsong itself  has been  altered and noticeably enriched simply by coming in contact with the subtlety, compassion and love that the poet had experienced in Elinor’s ‘…call or laughter…’

Bereft and wretched, he  consoles himself with the notion that;

‘…Never again would birdsong be the same

And to do that to birds is why she came…’

There are two things being said here at once. First the poet sees his wife almost as a  messenger from the Gods who, having performed a sacred duty,  ‘…to do that to birds is why she came…’ must return to Paradise. The second, heartbreakingly, is that, to the poet, without his wife and children, ‘…never again would birdsong be the same…’. He is robbed of the capacity, perhaps even stops listening to, that magical life of the woods they had so revelled in when she was alive.Without her, Eden is now denied him.

This is devastating, close-to-the-bone poetry written by a man with all of his doubts, frailties and sense of loss on display. I believe the mention of ‘Eve’ is a literary conceit intended to convey the notion of the ‘First Woman’ in the sense that he saw his wife Elinor in that light and himself perhaps, for the sake of the poem,  as Adam.

This is a first-class piece of work. If anyone cares to disagree with my assessment then I suggest that a meeting behind the cathedral at dawn  might resolve the matter.

 Ira Maine Esq, Poetry Editor