Добрий день друзі (Dobryy den’ druzi)

Whilst surfing the net as part of my research for my attempt at a book I came across this quote:
“Politicians are all the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river ”
It was Nikita Krushchev who said that- remember him?

It was in 1968 that Sitzler Brothers erected Yuendumu’s magnificent Baptist Church.  Subsequently I remember reading in the Alice Springs News that Peter Sitzler (or was it his brother Paul?) when discussing business had asserted that banks “will lend you an umbrella after it stopped raining”

In Yuendumu over the years we have been made many promises which didn’t come to fruition.

Peter Garrett’s multi million dollar Boarding Facility for remote secondary school students when we have no secondary schooling out bush not to mention the perennial and recurring promises to grass our still barren footy oval come to mind.

Tom Jones- The green green grass of home…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EvUHnm43wY

For those of you outside Australia, this country is suffering serious drought. Never fear, like a night in shining armour our Prime Minister has come to the rescue of drought stricken farmers.  As part of his contribution to prevent children from being traumatised by fears of climate change, he has just promised that his government will build dams.  Lots of dams.

Hallelujah!

The Royal Choral Society: ‘Halleluja Chorus’ from Handel’s Messiah-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUZEtVbJT5c

До побачення до наступного разу (Do pobachennya do nastupnoho razu)

Frank

Rotten Kid! Another Foreign TROUBLEMAKER! Should be at SCHOOL!

Scomo has nailed it once again. Why should kids be spooked into worrying about the global climate catastrophe?

Foreign kid troublemaker staring down the most powerful man in the world! Should be at SCHOOL!

And why should they even bother about extinction marches? They should stay at school and learn the bounty of NAPLAN.  Nothing worse as a kid than being depressed about the end of the world. It puts you off your lunch, it may topple your ATAR score and really effect your ability (if you go to a church school)  to connect with an all conquering loving GOD! So, the advice from the PM? ‘Don’t listen to the  Doomsday sayers’. Kids should just stay in school and let sensible grown-ups decide their future. Like Barnaby, he knows all about the environment. It is wicked. It’s Unruly and must at all costs be controlled and subdued by THE HAND OF MAN! Fish die in the Murray Darling through Barnaby’s steadfast work as a servant of GOD! To prove the hand of MAN is just and preserve forever the doctrine of MANIFEST DESTINY!

These kids SHOULD BE AT SCHOOL!

And besides, think of all the good things those kiddies can look forward to when the planet is dead. Ok, the timeline is against them, but there’s no point in getting down about it. So what if the world is headed for a complete catastrophe? Why worry? If this is just the beginning, it’s the beginning of the beginning of the end of the first part before the beginning. And, Hey kids what are they worried about? Just in the past few years the tick list keeps growing we’ve killed:  The Great Barrier Reef, the oceans, the forests, the fisheries, the  Murray Darling, the list goes on and on. But why worry? Let’s not be ALARMIST! There’s much more to come. Rome wasn’t pillaged in a day. 

THESE KIDS are learning RAT-BAGGERY from foreign troublemakers.

Barnaby and his mates haven’t even yet begun to completely and utterly destroy the inland rivers once and for all. But we’ve been told, to paraphrase Faraser Anning,  ‘they’re working on a FINAL SOLUTION’!!!. Just be patient and give them time. This new plan to turn the coastal rivers back inland is a brilliant piece of creative thinking. To divert all those billions of litres of wasted water into the hands of a couple of cotton growers. Who said our current crop of politicians don’t have imagination? That’s the problem with Greta What’shername.  She has imagination. That’s the problem with foreign provocateurs, they still allow imagination into the education syllabus.  No wonder why they’re all full of doom and gloom. They’re too busy imagining the scenarios that have been steadfastly predicted by climate scientists for thirty years.  Crazy ideas that repudiate the benefits of CLEAN COAL and deny the very truth that the earth is FLAT!

In Australia we’ve killed imagination as part of the education syllabus, if it aint NAPLAN  it don’t exist. 

So take it from Scomo, he’d know. The world was created by GOD in six days. The world according to the Bible is as old as some six thousand years.  And all animals, even some insects were saved by Noah in the Great Flood. And he knows this as a BELIEVER!!  We shall be saved if we look to GOD for SALVATION, and repent our sins. 

HE HOLDS THE DESTINY OF AUSTRALIAN KIDDIES IN HIS HAND!

Kiddies are burdened with Original Sin for starters.  If they don’t come to terms with their innate failings as pronounced by an all seeing loving GOD, they shall justly DIE as a consequence of  their failure.  And their souls will receive eternal damnation for eschewing the righteous power of an all loving GOD! 

Lest we forget…”And God gave us Nuclear power” (Corinthians V.11 Ch: 12)

Or something like that. And as for animals and any other species, they’re not important, Only humanity is recognised by an ALL POWERFUL GOD. And his servants, Scomo, Barnaby, Kevin, George, Pauline, Rupert, etc..etc…

It stands to reason, Australia needs NUCLEAR!

Fight Climate Change… WE NEED NUCLEAR!!!

There’s no doubt about it… Australia needs to stand up and do its bit to fight climate change. WE MUST GO NUCLEAR!! Coal aint good enough, and besides we’ve sold the good stuff like our gas at a loss to China and India. So that they can save their teeming masses from POVERTY!

Go NUCLEAR. 

The facts stack up. 

Australia is a Big Country. 

We’ve  got plenty of space. 

Plenty of space to grow wheat, sheep and moo cows. 

Plenty of space to build roads and infrastructure. 

Plenty of rivers that still need damming. 

GOD ordains NUCLEAR, and stoning women.

Plenty of forests and environments that we havent killed off yet. 

We’ve knocked off the Great Barrier Reef. Killed the northern mangroves. And just about wiped our the smaller marsupials from the great hinterland. But there’s still a lot of work to be done!. For instance, Brazil is trying to kill off the Amazon forest faster than we can kill off The Great Barrier Reef. And faster than we can kill the rivers and the temperate Rainforests and  sub tropical forests on the east coast. The Lamington Plateau is now wiped out. “Thank Christ”! We say. But there’s still sacred sites, archological sites and bits and pieces of wilderness that haven’t been buggered yet. And if we slacken off, the bloody Brazilians will beat us to the title of Number one CLIMATE and ECOLOGY FUCKER UPPERS!!  

That’s it  folks. 

Native grasses must be expunged so that NUCLEAR can PREVAIL!

The exalted CFFU! 

Do we want a bunch of sissy Latin American wankers to beat us to the punch ? Do we want to let South Americas Catholics, beat our own very good Catholics, Barnaby, Kevin Eric, and George in Killing entire ecosystems? 

‘NO’!! We hear you say… And on another note, the Brazillians are busy killing off what remains of the native Indians not yet killed by poverty, land clearing and genocide. And we’re just imprisoning our natives,  and in some cases it takes them years to die off!

Wake up Australia, we cant just put them all on the Castlemaine Train!!

So this is where the National Party are up to the mark. 

NATIONALS for NUCLEAR POWER!

Nuclear will turn the Black problem VIVID WHITE!

The bits of Australia, the vast interior, the bits that are not leased to mining, pastoral companies, water rights holders and members of foreign banking conglomerates are fucking useless. These bits are the bits we coincidentally and generously gave to the aboriginies.   And you know what that means? They were trialled with nukes at Maralinga, and they’ve learnt the benefits of progress first hand. WE export uranium to the world  at great cost and we don’t  get the benefit of importing nuclear waste. And those aboriginals on the basics card who would spend it all on drugs, alcohol and diet coke and dialysis, aren’t getting the full benefit of integrating their costs into developing the wealth of this country.  Then it seems only fair. That they accept into their watseland, the bits of land we’ve left for em, nuclear waste.  And the benefit that comes with this exalted Nuclear Energy. Expensive Energy for all Australians who are united in their HATE of RENEWABLES!

Nuclear energy like prisons are BIG BUSINESS!! And the Nationals like Big business. Big profits for big companies, like Exxon and Transurban who don’t pay taxes. They know how to look after their National party mates.  Blokes who hate poofters, wear big hats and feature in the Catholic Boys Daily (the Australian) to protect us from thinking, ideas and the gift of imagination.

And to never think twice about accepting the one unifying principle in Australian political life, that there’s always the aboriginies.  They’re an ugrateful pack of bastards. And like Goodsey, they havent got a sense of humour and one way or another, they deserve what’s coming to them. 

For a Brighter Future… GO NUCLEAR!

Howdy partners,

Yuendumu is half way between Alice Springs and the Granites gold mine.

US based Newmont, the world’s largest gold miner, gained control of what it now calls its Tanami operations in 2001. Annual production I believe is half a million ounces of gold worth a billion dollars. A few million dollars of so called ‘royalties’ finds it way to Aboriginal Australia. The distribution of these crumbs is governed by the NT Aboriginal Land Rights (Northern Territory) Act 1976. This distribution is increasingly ethnocentrically and patronisingly tightly controlled by the Central Land Council. “Have you been good children?” “Here is your presents!” and is ever more akin to throwing bones to a pack of dogs, dominant dogs getting the lion’s share.

Last Monday’s Q&A on ABC television was as annoying and boring as ever. Q&A’s saving grace was that Eva Cox was on the panel. Eva spent most of the time mirroring those of us on the other side of the camera who shook our heads in disbelief at some of the utterances of others on the panel. At last a question was posed which wasn’t related to Chinese influence in Australian politics. For those of you who don’t know, the Australian Government is trying to legislate compulsory drug testing of welfare recipients, and the question was in relation to this. Eva came out fighting and rightly called it out for what it is, further stigmatisation of an already stigmatised vulnerable section of Australian society. Kick them when they’re down! An idiot on the panel sprung to the government’s defence by claiming that compulsory drug testing of welfare recipients was no different to compulsory drug testing in the mining industry.

At present there is not a single Warlpiri person working at the Tanami Operations up the road. I do recall when Yuendumu Mining Company was involved in recruiting workers for the mine that we had to take applicants in the opposite direction first. Applicants were alcohol and drug tested in Alice Springs. When I suggested that they could be tested at the Granites seeing as Newmont had facilities there to do so, and if the applicants failed, we could simply take them back to Yuendumu, I was quietly told that the company didn’t want to be seen to reject local recruits.

Passenger- Fool’s Gold… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y5lHBNT74

Tom Petty & the heart breakers- Mary Jane’s Last Dance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BfG_GQSf-E

Cheerio

Franklin

The Prince, held the hilt of his sword, and  bellowed; ‘unless smote, this power will DESTROY EVERYTHING’!

Dear reader, we start again were we left off, the Prince informing our colleagues of the depth of his imperial reach, and the destiny that he holds in his hands! The priceless and all- powerful element Victorianinium, named in honour of his most famous relative who’s light shines in all eternity upon the coloured peoples of this word as a beatific anointment of civilisation. What else does he hold in his hands? Stand avast and wait for this next palpitating piece of predestidiginacious perfidy….

The Prince, beamed at Clarrie, ‘and that brave Knight, you have done with aplomb’. 

‘But’……. Ces said; ‘what if evil powers get their hands on this piece of paper? The lights will go out all over Europe’!  The Prince, held the hilt of his sword, and  bellowed; ‘unless smote, this power will DESTROY EVERYTHING’!

The room went dark again, and we all paused, thinking that in spite of the most surreal circumstances, life had given us another chance to make a principled stand, as we tried at Tuvalu. Perhaps now we could right the wrong and allow reason to triumph over petty self interest?

We could prove climate change and reach out to our own constituency of very old delusional fundamentalist hypocritical white men, and thus achieve SALVATION!

Perhaps now we had an opportunity to once again, attend a World Leaders Summit and carry our celebrated float, the papier mache island made of ice in the kiddies paddling pool? 

‘Hush’, the Prince motioned, ‘that was just a ruse.

And perhaps this time, with an island made of pre-cast concrete, impregnated with sugar, and hydrochloric acid (this was Cec’s idea) we could have a very realistic model depicting the actual disintegration of all life, land and everything in one spectacular seething maelstrom. To present at a World leaders Summit and grab global attention into a sinking island just going up in a conflagratory POOF! Just to prove our point, that climate change is an existential crisis, and  Greta Thunburg is a confounded nuisance. We could prove climate change and reach out to our own constituency of very old delusional fundamentalist hypocritical white men, and thus achieve SALVATION!  The Prince, rather than being an object of ridicule had now become our Elder Statesman. A Prince with international connections at the very highest level. Our lightning rod. Our annointed sepulchural Vice-Regal mace.  To open up via the imperial panoply of dvine right, and  allow the world to see the light.  To realise, the perfidy of their pettiness.    WE all stood hushed, galvanised by the potential of this new element and what it could do for HUMANITY!

“Excuse me? Prince, er’, Ces corrected, ‘Your Royal Highness,  how come you were entrusted with this responsibility?  We thought you were too busy shagging with your socialite mates in New York and keeping Fergie from the headlines’, 

‘Hush’, the Prince motioned, ‘that was just a ruse. A clever ruse devised by MI5 so that no one would suspect. Not even Vladimir, that  I the “Royal Buffoon’, would be capable of such global reach, and our enemies”.  The Prince paused, pulled out in one deft movement his solid gold cigarette case, without offering any of us as much as a fag- end he whipped a Sobrani out and lit it… Drawing long and langerously, he then tilted his head upwards to allow an exalted plume of smoke to come issuing from his vice regal lips.  The same lips that had caressed the aforementioned Fergie. Those same lips that had licked and touched the nubile, ( in the interests of public decency and royal prerogative this part of the text has been censored. If you should like a copy of the unedited text please refer to The  “presidential privates”, the indebted, unpublished extract from the Clinton Papers).   The Prince turned to us, in a extasy of wisdom, 

“What happens to clever Princes? You know’.  And like Ka-Ching when. confronted with the image of ‘Winnie the Pooh’, the Prince motioned a knife across his throat. 

The Prince pulled out a bottle of Dom Perignon 38. “TO OUR QUEST!!”, the Prince Roared.

‘I get it’!  Ces wryly scoffed. “You’d be as welcome as  a bloody pork chop in the proverbial bloody synagogue, or a Royal Dunny without a Royal flush, beggin yer pardon your Highness’.  We all laughed; Cec never lost his humour even in a royal scrape.   He pointed to a map in which all the bits of Empire not coloured roseate pink were marked, “ EVIL”, the Prince, clutching the scabbard of his ceremonial sword glowered;  “They shall learn to their cost, that the might of Britannia, is not stemmed by the perfidy of neo-globalism”!!

We all sighed, and before you could say; “Anyone for tennis”? The Prince pulled out a bottle of Dom Perignon 38. “TO OUR QUEST!!”, the Prince Roared. 

‘THE QUEST’, we all cried, 

proffering a Boys Scout salute whilst holding out his right hand, and grinning from ear to ear, announced, “At your SERVICE your Royal Highness’!

And just as we raised our glasses, savouring the first whaft, we heard a shuffling sound from behind the map.  To our amazement, rather apologetically emerged  Ka-Ching holding a bag, of all things chips.  ‘What the eff roared Clarrie, the secret’s out’! No sooner than the knighted veteran had said it, something more shocking still, took place before our very eyes… Emerging from behind the sail cloth stashed rudely in a pile in the corner of the room,  none other than the former Foreign Minister of Australia Alexander Downer.

He wiped the dust from his shoulders and knelt before his highness, “Your Majesty” , 

The Prince turned about, his face ashen: “IT’S YOU’!

The former Foreign Minister stood bolt upright, and proffering a Boys Scout salute whilst holding out his right hand, and grinning from ear to ear, announced, “At your SERVICE your Royal Highness’!

The Prince was stunned. He looked as though he were about to EXPLODE.

‘Get out of my shadow you.. you…. you, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE CREEP!!’, 

The Prince then fulminated…

‘There’s one thing I can’t stand is a TOADEY’. 

And then just for effect he fulminated; “A royal toadying arse-licking SUCK-HOLE”!

Downer, slid sideways pretending he hadn’t heard. 

‘So sorry, just checklng the wiring’,  he mumbled as he probed the dusty floor.

Downer, slid sideways pretending he hadn’t heard.  ‘So sorry, just checklng the wiring’,

There was a deathly silence, the game was up, we had been eavesdropped, and we could only just grasp at the trouble we now found ourselves in. 

To be continued

What will happen? 

Will Alexander come up trumps or will Ka-ching cash in his chips? 

Will he do so in Mandarin or in Cantonese?

What is the Cantonese for Hong Kong bookseller?

Find out inthe next nail-biting epsode of

‘A bookseller short of a literary festival’  or… 

‘A Downer in the scheme of things’.. 

In our next thrilling installment of pcbycp’s 

Cocburn and Poole…

We all stood hushed as he once again twirled his ceremonial sword above our heads, Ces whispering: “I wonder if it’s fake”

Dear reader, we left where we left off, the Prince, recently installed as GG to PNG, by virtue of the absence of an extradition treaty with PNG, the Bahamas, The U.K or the United States, is pounding the wall as he tells our desperate band of just how the worlds destiny is held in his very hand, via a scrap of paper, via right of royal birth, by imperial destiny, by the grace of God,  blah, blah, blah. Will the discovery of this new element Victorianinium Change the WORLD?

Read on , and do so at your RISK!

“Precisely”! The Prince pounded the wall with his fist, 

“And that”?, Ces countered,   ‘Is that why  we are all here in this’?, He paused; “this….stinking shit hole..Cos we’ve been shafted from arsehole to breakfast by Borderforce and the powers to be. We might as well be Sri Lankans for all the good it does us’? 

“Silence’!, The Prince Exclaimed

‘The powers to be be are NOTHING! 

ALL OF THEM”!  We all stood hushed as he once again twirled his ceremonial sword above our heads, Ces whispering: “I wonder if it’s fake”. But the Prince in this gloom filled hour of glory would not be stemmed, he was in full Majestic Flight, a putative ‘King in a Grass, corrugated iron, and clap-board castle’. He thunderously continued his vice- regal monologue:

“To the Ministers who subjugate the soul of humanity in Detention Centres to the pecksniff, who works the robo-debt at Centrelink. All of THEM act on MY COMMAND!!

You are here, as you so aptly described, “in this Shit-Hole’!

The Prince in happier days, discusses pan global strategy with his loyal followers.

Because I COMMAND  you  BE HERE’! 

‘Fuck me’, Ces said, “told you.. it’s Right Royal  fuckin Command Performance’l 

I spite of our situation we all pissed ourselves laughing, the Prince, to prove he wasn’t such a bad sport had a chuckle to show he at least had a bit of empathy…. 

‘Still’, Ces reflected,’ it’s  pretty shithouse if you ask me, what’s Royal about this performance? There’s no dwarf tossing, and where’s the chinless wonder.’?. 

Prince Edward (undisputed world leader) explains to this young man his guitar may not be purchased with the Basics Card

‘My brother Edward could not attend, he’s on high level secret talks with Russia’, the Prince replied distractedly. 

‘Russia’? Ces countered. “I’ll be fucked, you in with them also”?

‘Yes we have operatives, relatives of the Romanovs, who are allied to me’ …. He paused for extra effect;  ‘BY BIRTH’!

But it was too late, in a split second, the Prince, until now who had been conversational became maniacal.. “This my friends is only the beginning, only you can know is it the beginning of the end of the begining of the beginning’. 

‘Jeez’, Ces interjected, ‘whichever way you look at it we’re fucked’. . 

than beat themselves to death over nationalism and any other form of priapic, narcissistic, mind numbingly stupid fragment of incoherent self indulgence’!!

The Prince in full flight, could not be swayed… ‘Don’t you see, Brexit would cease to exist, Trump would retreat to his share portfolio, and any other tin-pot potentate, would be more inclined to listen to Shakespeare or Bach, than beat themselves to death over nationalism and any other form of priapic, narcissistic, mind numbingly stupid fragment of incoherent self indulgence’!!

This not only holds the key to the location of where Victorianinium may be found, kept secret throughout the  Battenberg descendancy, it also” in the wrong hands” could provoke immeasurable evil. “What’? Ces interjected, ‘worse than bunging us in this hole’. 

The Prince scoffed, “You fool, cant you see!!! this hole is your escape mechanism. And it was my great uncle Lord Louis, whilst Viceroy gave this box to Sir Clarence here, and he’s kept it’s existence royally hid, until royally bid. We all had a laugh.  Had no idea still what the Prince did for a living but we still laughed, he had a royal sense of humour. 

 ‘unless smote, this power will DESTROY EVERYTHING’!

Clarrie shuffled uneasily, The Prince is right fellas, I don’t wanna tell you as you’d think I was all hoity toity but I’ve fuck’n mixed in royal circles before…  I met Lord Louis KC OBE VC MC (and Bar) in a Turkish bath on leave in Mauritius, and through a mutual acquaintance, I was invested with the secret to hold and only reveal in the event of with my death or an order from above to relinquish my responsibility. 

The Prince, beamed at Clarrie; ‘and that brave knight, you have done with aplomb’. 

‘But’, Ces said, ‘what if evil powers get their hands on this piece of paper, The lights wil go out all over Europe’!  The Prince, held the hilt of his sword, and  bellowed; ‘unless smote, this power will DESTROY EVERYTHING’!

to be Vice-Regally continued

What will happen to our Heroes? Will they escape New Guinea?

Does the Prince have a hand in their destiny? Stay tuned to the next vice-regal  episode.

‘One Prince lights up a Viscount”, or ‘Two dobs in, and you’re out!!’. 

Find out in our next thrilling installment of pcbycp in Moresby.

Your payments will be subject to our principled stand on poverty.

We aplaud the Nationals decision to widen the scope of the Basics Card. The Basics Card must be acknowledged as a HIGH WATER MARK in the Federal Governments recognition of Aboriginal Australians existence as a Human Species. (see Flora and Fauna Act). It is HIGH TIME then we recognised Dole bludgers, Druggo’s, and the incapacitated as a species of humanity deserving of SPECIAL RECOGNITION. And they can have FACIAL RECOGNITION entirely for FREE! For them, to coin Fraser Anning’s words, this must be addressed as a FINAL SOLUTION!

Some bludgers never learn to be grateful!

For too long non-aboriginal members of this society have not enjoyed the full benefits that come with the Basics Card. And we must also endorse the excellent decision by Jackie Lambie to introduce a form of National Service. So that the indolent may shoulder a Fire Hose and fight fires.  Fires that proliferate all year round as an objective proof that Anthropomorphic Climate Change DOES NOT EXIST!

Hard working principled men of GOD know where taxpayers money should be spent.

With an augmented Basics Card as sensibly suggested by Nationals, we can fully ensure that those that receive just  one cent of government money through laziness, indolence, and stupidity are fully accountable. Their entitlement and lifestyle choices will come with CONSEQUENCES!  Remember they’re poor because they have been given their just desserts for being lazy. And furthermore those people in rural electorates who have no work in electorates that are predominately National should be punished for not being wealthy landowners, conglomerates or hand picked water resource-rich cotton growers. They deserve through their indolence and their inability to get onto the ‘agribusiness ladder of prospertity’ to be punished.  So that hedge fund managers and global investors can fully reap the benefits of Australia’s water resources. And  in the entropy of their self absorption, they should be doubly punished and taken off any form of public support whatsoever. If they’ve had a joint. Perhaps indulged in a bit too much aspirin.  Or “God forbid”, done some speed, crack or meth. They shall be taken off the Basics Card, and left to rot. Cos as we know all the wealthier folk choose high grade cocaine. Perhaps even some of the water license holders, those hedge fund managers, who’ve driven those lazy non economically viable farmers, and township proleteriat off the land. They may smoke but they chose high grade COKE! Cos the Real Thing is COKE!

Retribution of this kind will do Basics Card holders good. By putting them on the Basics Card, they may learn penitence and HUMILITY! So that they can be stigmatised in the shopping centre aisle for being a “WHITE ABO’!.  It will make them realise that they too are responsible not just to the taxpayer, but to an all pervasive Loving God, who will punish them for THEIR OWN GOOD.

We have a few other helpful suggestons: 

To ensure that Women are controlled by OLD WHITE MEN

Basics for Food

Only generic, black and white brand, or Aldi branded products may be purchased. Strict prohibition of low price Aldi alcohol will be enforced. Non compliance will result in fines and imprisonment.

Basics For Transport

No petrol for dole bludgers. Those in rural areas, without trains will be entitled to board entirely at  cost covered by their Basics Card for one ride to a job resource centre, or Centrelink evaluation meeting.  . 

Basics For Health 

Basics Card Holders wil be entitled to one bulk bill fee per annum.  They will also pay additional costs for elective surgery, wait at the back of the queue, to instil respect for the system that sustains them. 

Basics To Stop Abortion. 

Any individual who criminally seeks an abortion in New South Wales or Queensland, will have any entitlement to government support cut indefinitely. This will reinforce the christian value of redemption and assure them entry to the word of patriarchy as enshrined by a loving and caring GOD! 

So that they may respect AUSTRALIAN VALUES!

As a postscript CEO Salaries shall be augmented to offset the costs of training and enforcing these neccessary measures. “So that the poor and indolent may aspire to loftier things”.(Quote atributed to an airliner CEO).

Dear reader, we’re deeply confused here at pcbycp headquarters. Not only are we still stuck here in this cell in the middle of Port Moresby, but our native runner, has pissed off to commemorate Robert Mugabe’s death. As the pre- Brexit Prince Andrew glumly put it, ‘ ‘hard to get the right sort of native these days’. 

True Liberals celebrate the “correct” use of fund raising and poetry.

We’re doubly confused that Gladys Liu hasn’t come to our rescue, and implore all the members of  the Chisholm Liberal fund raising arm whom we paid quite handsomely in promissory notes co-signed by His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, to come to our aid. Whichever way you look at it legal tender  signed by his Royal Highness will open doors anywhere. 

So in a pan Sino – Australian friendship gesture to whoever it is that is ultimately responsible for sending those rivers of gold Glady’s way, and seal it with a handshake and a G day, we thought it timely, in a historical sense to give you this one from Ogden Nash. He was also puzzled by Sino American relations prior to the  introduction of the 38th Parrallel

Maurice Sendak’s original illustration to Ogden’s Poem.

His ditty is entitled, “So I resigned from the Chu Chin Chowder and Marching Club”. We in sympathy tried to resign from the Higgins 500 Club, but discovered to our distaste, that as we were already signed up members of the United Front Work Department, (we had no idea we were part of this august institution)  our organs had already been auctioned off, and proceeeds were to be delivered to Uighurstan for processing just as soon as the paperwork had been completed. 

So courageoulsy we’ve decided to stay. 

We stayed for one other important reason, to ensure after a sensible suggestion made to us from Glady’s fund raising arm.  That the Liberal Party heraldry be replaced from Royal Blue to a more Middle Kingdom DEEP RED. To symbolise truly the benefits of ensuring funding to keep the germ of democracy alive…. For the right price to lobbysists, and the powers invested by the people to  Real Estate Agents; the traditional owners……(cross out Tibet, Uighurstan, and Hong Kong), Insert.  (Australia);. Of this land. 

So I resigned from the Chu Chin  Chowder and Marching Club.

The thing which I know least
Is the inscrutable East. 
Neither is my ignorance immutable, 
I find that every hour the East grows more inscrutable.
Day by day
I memorise pithy witticisms beginning ‘Confucious say”
I retire to leafy bowers
And immerse myself in Kai-Lung’s Golden Hours
In the evening I beat assiduously on a gong,
Picking out “ Slow Boat to China” and “ Why did I tell you I was going to Shanghai?’ And “ ‘Chong he come from Hong Kong’.
In a valiant effort the inscrutable Oriental mind to explore
I have lost a fortune at mah-jongg to an inscrutable
Pekingese puppy who lives next door,
All to no avail;
Scrutably speaking, I am beyond the pale.
I have only one accomplishment about which I would write home to Mother:
I can tell at least one Celestial from at least one other;
I can tell you, for a modest price, 
The difference between a mandarin waving his hat over a prostrate palanquin bearer 
and a mandarin sitting on a cake of ice.
Do you want to know, really and truly?

Well, the first mandarin is fanning his coolie.

Scott instructing Gladys on the finer points of fund-raising.

The first time they met. Lord Louis and Clarrie in Port Moresby 1945.

Dear reader, we continue where we left off, the Prince as GG of PNG making a startling pronouncement that an ancient secret treaty, buried deep within the New Guinean Highlands holds the truth and might of two great empires together, so that united, they may protect any would be aggressors from the threat of “cosmopolitanism and climate action”. Read this next thrilling instalment…. IF YOU DARE!…

We begin….

The tempo of percussive beating on Clarries iron lung increased in sync to the Prince’s intense soliloquy. “The natives know when to ARISE at a given signal.  And proclaim once again, (for their own good) Anglo German sovereignty and the rule of Right and MIGHT”!

Lord Louis renews an old acquaintance

Ces, always the republican wouldn’t have a bar of it; ’Might as well dream your Royal lordship.You and yer flash sword, with scrambled eggs all over yer epaluettes’. Ces’s republican sentiments were aroused by this display of royal  entitlement.  

But the Prince, in his hour of Glory would not be dissuaded, ‘ BY MIGHT!!  He raised his sword in the air twirling it at an errant fly to demonstrate his divine right of kingliness, “As you so disparagingly say, BY THIS!!! The Prince flourished the dirty piece of paper in the air… “By a power more destructive than the force of an ATOMIC BOMB!!!! 

Pause….

The flagship of the Anglo German scientific expedition, the specially fitted Grosser Echte Fruchte Ersatz Kurfurst Kafeemaschine.

The Prince smashed his gloved fist into the palm of his left hand. “And the knowledge of this rarest of rare element has been entrusted to one amongst us. The holder of the sacred secret. The knight errant of our most second-darkest hour. Sir Clarence of the Cinque Sports’. 

“It’s true’,  Clarrie beamed, ‘I can play petanque, frisbee, shuttlecock, scrabble and one-legged hop’. 

What could that be? Shrugged Ces wryly. “Who the eff are you!!!! And by what authority you titular toadeying twerp’!

“Hang on”! Clarrie said,  “I served with Lord Mountbatten in India”. 

Lord Louis suffers constipation whilst dividing India

Clarrie with a nod from the Prince then proceeded to tell his tale: 

‘This contains the location of the only known deposit of  Victorianinium. It was discovered in 1898 as part of a highly secretive Anglo German scientific expedition on the specially fitted Grosser Echte Fruchte Ersatz Kurfurst. An equivalent to the Cook expedition in its broad reach and the scientific,engineering,  anthropological and paleantological luminaries who were encouraged to participate. Deep in the Highlands we discovered amongst the natives a lone Portugean trader, Manuel Jesualdo Gusmao. He purported to be over three hundred years old, How he got there we don’t know. But before he was encouraged to die, he gave us the first fragment of this precious mineral. In seconds its potential was revealed.  Men grown old before their time re-gained a youthful exuberance. The crippled just after the briefest exposure would abandon their crutches,and perform superlative athletic feats,  and the very most dim-witted amongst the crew, when exposed to just one micron, were re-posessed with phenomenal mental powers. WE knew that this element could transform the world. But we also knew, that in the wrong hands it could DESTROY THE VERY WORLD WE LIVE IN” 

Prince Andrew weighs up the possibilities of becoming GG of PNG

“Why’s that”? Ces wryly replied. The Prince in full flight would not be daunted. He motioned for Clarrie to be silent and continued,

“Because as you know elected politicans are quite stupid.  But with this material, and the projection of informed ideas, they could unite to destroy  the global economy, and the world itself”! 

Ces interjected; ’But how do you know about this Clarrie? You weren’t even born back in 1898’?  

Then,  quick as a flash Cec proffered;  ‘Who won the 1898 Grand Final’? and then without pause nor hesitation Clarrie responded, ‘Fitzroy’!, 

Prince Andrew Instructs Saudi Prince on the benefits of hereditary privilege, power and patriarchy.

He was right. All indicators pointed to Clarrie being way older than we hitherto believed. There was clearly a riddle in the sands, or to be more apposite, more tin than pot in the tropics. Clarrie continued; “I was a Midshipman aboard the light cruiser HMS Aboukir, I had just licked the element I have described.  I may look 90, but that was in my middle age. This substance, the merest whiff, has prolonged my life for over a century, and posessed me with wisdom enough to wrestle with global affairs, be an instrument of world power, and retain my job as the pcbycp typesetter’. 

‘Bugger me dead’, Ces replied, 

‘No, that was years ago, in Her Majestys Service’. 

The Prince interjected; ‘Dont you see,  Reason and intelligence will destroy the global power structure’. 

‘Hang on a mo your ladyship’,  Cec opined, “Aren’t they doing precisely that at this very moment in time?

To be continued

Fitzroy, Winners of the “98” Grand Final stand proudly. A gladiatorial contest won gloriously over the drug addicted team from ESSENDON.

What are they doing? will it really make a difference, and stem the insidious sweep of global warming?

Find out in our next thrilling instalment , “The Prince plays the Piper”, or, “Two Cans short of a Toucan” in our next Vice Regal edition of PCBYCP…

Trincomalee 1944. Lord Louis, the Prince’s uncle talks to Clarrie in happier Days

Dear reader, we return to where we left off, Clarrie, under Royal Command from none other than Prince Andrew, the newly installed GG of PNG, was about to lift the lid. On What?

Well tune in and find out in this next gut-wrenching episode of pcbycp’s failed bid to secure meaningful action on climate at the Pacific leaders Forum.. read on….

What was in the box?

Clarrie lifted the lid. 

Clarrie and Ces talk up Alexander Downers’ statesmanship.

In the dark light it was hard to see what lay inside. But with a weary rubbing of his right eye to focus on the task at hand, Clarrie gently lifted out a small scroll of age-worn paper. The scroll was bound with a crimson ribbon, and in the centre a wax seal. We all ghasped, what could this be? And why was Prince Andrew so keen for Clarrie to open the box himself? When as we all know, a Royal just grabs whatever he wants and buggers the consequences. 

With a deferential nod, Clarrie passed the scroll to his Royal Highness. The room became deathly still. Only the sound of the Rascol gang beating a deep and intense rhythm on Clarries un-sold Iron lung to permeate the stydgean gloom. 

The Prince raised the scroll, so that we could all see it. And the motif on the Seal was unmistakeable. An Eagle, with a crown, and on either side of the shield the words “Gott Mit Uns”, and the unmistakeable monogram W11. ‘Kaiser Bill’ muttered Ces.  The Prince, with reverential awe muttered; ‘another of my great Uncles’, and  allowed his index finger to caress the outline of the seal. He turned to all of us gravely, “This”… (he paused in the complete and utter absorption of the moment) ‘this fragment of paper is’…… he stuttered, ‘is…. my destiny”, and with a quick flick of his sword, which he raised and deftly lowered at the speed of lightning in a decisive arc,  the seal was rent asunder. 

Ces enjoying the vice- regal sunlight

We ghasped, (again) How could this be? How had it lain hidden here for countless decades? And to what purpose?

‘my great great uncle Prince Heinrich Ludwig Hedwig Earwig von Battenburg,’ ( Prince Andrew’s soliloquy)

Then the Prince spoke; “See!!!  It’s all here! Over a hundred and twenty years ago, my great great uncle Prince Heinrich Ludwig Hedwig Earwig von Battenburg, stopped briefly at the Governor’s Residence in Port Moresby.  A courtesy visit between what was then, German New Guinea and the Australian Protectorate of Papua. During the course of that visit he informed the Commandant that the interests of both the German and the British Empires were best served, (even in the event of war) in a long-term partnership to thwart any woud be agressor from the North. Within this parchment are the co-ordinates of where an element more valuable than Einsteininium lies. An element so powerful, so priceless  that the Anglo-German destiny shall endure, “UBER ALLES’!

Clarrie interjected wryly; ‘But why would you help out the Jerries’?, 

The Prince turned to Clarrie and with a face fit to explode thundered; “VY”? VY YOU ASK”? The Prince gathered himself,  ‘BECAUSE ZESE SAME PEOPLE ARE ALSO MEIN GERMANIC COUSINS’!

‘Oh’! Ces said phlegmatically, “yep. Spose you’re right”. 

The Prince regained his composure and continued; 

“And so the Germanic Anglo Regional South Eastern Hemisphere of Localised Engagement Treaty, (GARSEHOLE) was enacted. In top secrecy, to ensure that in the event of any war this treaty stood INVIOLATE, until such time it would be realised as  the SINGULAR PAN STRATEGIC GLOBAL POLICY! THE TIME HAS COME!! He flourished his sword in the air for added effect.  “My illustrious forebear came to this spot with a singular purpose.  To ensure that any future power, any would- be agressor, any impudent upstart not embracing the crimson thread of kinship that unites our two peoples who dare challenge our rule, our rightful place as masters over the  entire South Pacific WILL FAIL! 

Prince Heinrichs flagship, Die Ersatz Kurfürst Echte Schtenkentopf. In its heyday, the most powerful ship in the entire Pacific, (Janes)

‘By what’? Cec drolly asked, clearly he wasn’t having a bar of it; ‘You lot were kicked out of German New Guinea in 1914, why pretend it wasn’t all over then’?

‘You don’t understand’. The Prince poked the air with his sword for emphasis.  ‘That was just a ruse’! We have waited with natives trained in the principle of GARSEHOLE through generations . Passed down by word of mouth and drum. Even now you can hear’. 

We all listened. 

What will happen next? Will the Princes extensive global reach as an undisputed world leader save the crew at pcbycp?

OR… will they all perish?

Natives being enthusiastically trained by the German High Command, (South Pacific Territories) in the sacred meaning of GARSEHOLE

Stay tuned for another compelling episode of pcbycp,  “Who bangs the bongo drum’?, or “The Perils of pcbycp in Papua?

to be continued. ….