With the threat of fiendish Chinese agents copying our Covid-Safe suits we trialled the COVID-1 under the pretence of diving equipment.
Avoiding social intercourse is problematic.
For many of our readers, who are naturally inclined to be socially engaged, extroverted and flamboyant in hand gestures and deportment, social isolation has proved to be a challenge that few can withstand. Though we stay incubated in isolation, our natural tendency is to gravitate towards a queue. It’s human nature. A file of individuals waiting outside a soup kitchen, a wet market, centrelink, the coroners, a meth lab. We seek comfort by walking around and around a public place, just in the hope of bumping into somone and engaging in a simple, “have a nice day”. In doing so, the temptation is nigh irresistable, to embrace a member of the public, just to demonstrate your solidarity with humanity in defeating this scourge,
‘But we know that close contact is a precursor to a HORRIBLE DEATH!!!!
Dr Firmli-held (centre) receiving his AO for services to ‘Social Distancing’.
So please, take a few tips from our clinical psychologist, Dr Firmli-held Member in gaining an appreciation of what is permissible under the pall of ‘Corona-geddon’.
Visiting aged care homes.
“Corona Front- Line”. ANZACS holding the inmates in quarantine ‘FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!
Ask yourself why would you ever really want to visit an aged care home unless the person you are visiting has the prospect of bestowing a vast inheritance upon you? Aged care homes are filthy, run by the lowest common demominator of lower tier bureaucrat, designed for profit, and as mean as charity. The only reason why they exist is the public at large have no tolerance for oldies. They’re better dead.
Playing chess, bridge, or any other “close proximity indoor game’.
Our second prototype Covid- Safe suit being adjusted by Miss Sproulle, our Office manager.
This can be done over the phone. ‘Knight black square, right one’, can be made without the risk of infection. Be careful in handling the chess pieces. Though it is not confirmed, black chess pieces are more liable to be corona virus active than simple white pieces. According to the eminent clinical epidemiologist Dr Hyrem Codpiece, the phenommena known in clinical circles as ‘Corona Nigrensis’ is unproven. But at this stage of the epidemic, via the power of anecdotal and uncoroborrated clinical trials, indications are to avoid people of colour, black lives matter marches, and individuals who live in high-rise Housing Commission flats. The same can be said for moving concrete or plaster cast aboriginal garden ornaments. Gloves should be worn, and if in doubt contact the “Stronger Futures Taskforce” and they’ll organise “an intevention”.
Exercise extreme caution in handling the black chess-pieces.
Petanque, Lawn Bowls, Croquet, Pool and Snooker,
Avoid allowing balls to make contact
One must be very careful to ensure that the cue is dinsifected. Be careful of the black-balls. Uncoroborated evidence indicates darker-hued balls may be more likely to transmit the virus as evidenced in the Housing Commisson Flats lockdown. Though sightings of billiard tables in these confined spaces is unconfirmed, it is suggested that micro-sized billiard tables imported from China pose a heightened risk. The only way to check infected Chinese balls is to bang them together.This can be done either safely at home or in the corner of an average Housing Commission flat. If they make a percussive ‘Tok-Tik’ sound they are deemed SAFE. If they make a ‘Tik-Tok’ sound thrown them away. They WILL BE INFECTED and will most likely KILL YOU!!
And don’t under any circumstances, (unless your hand is gloved), remove the ball from the pocket manually. Insertion of an unprotected hand into a pocket, (Pcbycp’s “Safe Guide to Interaction with Catholic Clergy‘) indicates extreme caution must be exercised at all times.
Our third prototype Covid Safe protective suit. Has been trialled successfully for indoor cricket and lawn bowls. Note innovative visor on rhs image, doubles for cricket stumps whilst providing full- face protection.
Indoor tennis, Cricket and Wrestling
Ensure that the court is clean, and the net hasn’t been touched by a community group, disadvantaged people, handicapped, mentally deranged or habitues of afore-mentioned high rise flats. Public tennis courts are off limits. Stay indoors and play from only an acreditated and outrageously expensive private tennis club.
Eddie Charlton demonstrates flawless ‘Covid-Safe’ practise in management of the coloured balls.
Pilates.
Pilates is ok provided you do it online and dvd. Esure that your pilates mat is sterilised, and engage an immunoligist to ensure that you are free of Pilates induced muscular spasms, which may make you more susceptible to corona.
Public transport
Not on. Engage a chauffeur
Running, jogging.
Engage a personal trainer, get then to run for you, or for a small sum, purchase a whole tribe of native runners and get the tax benefit 22 A for charitable work.
Food purchased from shops get your domestic staff to test it..
Dwarf Throwing.
Demonstrated “Covid- Safe” technique for Dwarf Throwing.
Unless the dwarf, or troupe have Covid clearance, it is inadvisable to continue this practise unless in a Covid safe environment, a prison, or aged care facility, in which case a wider transmission is immaterial on a human scale with untold benefits for profit, turnover and shareholders.
Simple things, banking, shopping etc….
Only go to shops that are ridiculously expensive, this will ensure a barrier between yourself and the great unwashed, they’re unwashed for a reason, they’re POOR.
Dont forget it.
Poverty is a disease of the mind. It is infectuous, and must be avoided,
There’s only one way to be safe. Live in a gated comunity.
Avoid being social, Indulge in reality TV and Fox News. Get your food home-delivered, and have nothing to do with society. Only then can you demonstrate your credentials as a responsible and caring citizen.
Lobby Lloyd, promoting hygienic practice in the management of coloured balls.