By Royal decree, Prince Andrew sharing a joke about Uighurs in Concentration Camps. A proud creation of EMPIRE.

WE pick up where we left off with a succession of Andrews’ deemed inappropriate for the top job of helping Australia in its China crisis, till the Royal penny dropped. Prince Andrew had agreed, (by Royal decree) to help us out. As the Minister said;  ‘If the Prince can’t pull it off, no one can”!

The Minister could tell now that our high level expertise was coming into gear, (that is why we are respected as an-international policy think tank) and a solution could be found to this attempt by an “undisclosed power” to destroy the very foundations of our society. 

We illuminated the Minister from our perspective, 

HRH Prince Andrew and Xi applauding ” Tudgey” in his performance of “My Favourite Concubine’.

‘We understand Prince Andrew is a powerful individual respected by really significant people in business and human affairs, and the utilisation of small-goods, and sleep-overs as a lever in International global strategy but is he the best fit to solve the crayfish crisis, the wine embargo, the barley boycott and the coal crisis? I mean, begging your Royal pardon, but,  what experience has he got’?

We could hear the Minster breathing heavily. Clearly we’d hit a “Royal nerve”. ‘It’s not my choice, but I’ve been instructed to do this from the highest authority in-the land”. 

‘Jeez Si, The PM’s office? We interjected. 

“Nup’ much higher than that. From Her Majesty!!! (the Queen gets three exclamation marks).

HRH Prince Andrew and “some other bloke from the CCP” opening the Pizza Express Wuhan.

The Queen has signed the royal warrant to give Prince Andrew unlimited powers to act on Australia’s behalf. You see, no offence, though you have experience, you lack the royal connection.  We need you, but you alone just wont do. We need you to work with someone who is respected the world over, who can open doors, grease palms, and do whatever it takes to keep the integrity of Empire v. 2.0 intact’. 

‘Empire’! we scoffed. ‘Isn’t that laying it on a bit thick’? Ces was incredulous. ‘I mean since Singapore back in 42, the Empire’s a bit of a Norma Desmond short of the Sunset Boulevard’. 

‘Hah’!, the Minster retorted, ‘you just don’t get it! DO YOU’!

‘Get what’? We sneered. Although we were happy to receive unlimited Federal funds without tender as is common practice in dealing with the Feds, we didn’t like being patronised. The Minister was emphatic, and would not be deterred. ‘Haven’t you seen what’s happening? The evil foreign power has seeded Covid to destroy the west. And only the UK has the foresight to use Brexit as a chance to reunify the crimson thread and  prevail  with “Empire V 2”. 

HRH Prince Andrew, (like Donald), has a tendency to exaggerate.

‘That’s why Boris is so important TO OUR CAUSE and deliberately incomprehensible, it’s a smokescreen. The Chinese will never see through it, their poked eyes in the five eyes will be sad eyes and sore brown eyes all round’. 

The Minister had a point, in a flash we saw the way through. The dawning of a NEW EMPIRE was not gonna be a walk in the park!

‘Does that mean we can sail up the Yangtze and force Opium on em as we did on the days of yore’? piped Quent. “Love to but modern diplomacy has gotta be subtle, we’ve got a much bigger plan, or should I say a bigger wok to fry our fish in’. WE all had a laugh, the Minister was still in great form. 

Our plan is  to  put opium in powdered milk product, We’ll have a generation of kiddy smack addicts, that’ll learn em’. 

We noticed how the Minister began to speaking a crim argot, clearly this is what it took to deal with those who felt above international law, we had much to learn. 

Priority for top shelf infant formula to members of CCP. ‘Some infant formula is more equal than other infant formulas'(Mao).

HRH Prince Andrew and Princess Eugenie visit the Newcastle Coal processing plant after catastrophic Chinese embargo.

‘Yes, we’ve gotta help Britain in its hour of need, and this’ll indicate how severe the trouble really is. And by the way this is top secret. if you tell anyone about it we’ll have you inside before you can say “ Witness K’. 

We gulped, . Even if the plan was immoral, unethical and crook, we could still be jailed for life. ‘Ok Si, tell us more’?

There was more to follow, and it got worse. 

Australia’s Pan-Global strategy. Empire V.2 at work.

What will happen in our next Royally Righteous episode? Will the Prince have the choice of any fair maiden he chooses to consummate the deal with? Could she be an Australian, or perhaps even a Septic Tank, ( Yank) who’d moved to Australia?. Or will he go it alone? Could he boldly and bravely leave the comfort of his new York Sleep- over and the Pizza Express in Woking for this mission of high level tight rope walking? Stay tuned to; ‘a Prince in tights places’, or  ‘Tequila Sunrise or Tequila Mockingbird?”

Andrew Robb, our man in China.

Dear reader, we were in furious discussion with the Trade Minister Simon Birmingham on the state of affairs in China. Apart from his deep regret on not being able to make the postion pay as well as his predecessor, Andrew Robb, we were aware that we were just half- cooked prawns in a game of global power play. 

We continue where we left off. The Minister talking high level diplomacy over the phone’ 

“Yep, and now they’ve gone ape-shit on not letting em run our country. Apart from doing our citizens and mining execs in with subliminal messages. The Chinese Opera is just the start. They’re using Tik Tok, We chat and social media to infect the minds of Chinese Australians and unite them into a fifth column to destroy the evil power, and you know who they think the evil power is?  

“The Sri Lankan cricket team’? we expostulated 

‘The Yanks’?

‘The Russians’?

 ‘The Empire of Lord Rupert of Murdoch’? 

‘The Pakistan cricket team? the Liberal Party? The Greens? Daniel Andrews’?

‘Barnaby”

‘Nup, you’ll never guess it, not in a million years’.  We could tell he liked the Barnaby suggestion but he’d run out of patience, bit like China doing-in democracy protesters in Honkers.

 ‘Allright then, who’? 

‘This’ll come as a bit of shock, so I’ll tell you straight’!

“Worse than the defilement of V’C’s and the noble untouchable spirit of Anzackery as the foundation of the national ethos”? 

“Way worse, this goes to the core of our national values”.

We paused, waiting for the blow, we knew that from heron, our view of the world would be irrevocably changed. The Minister spoke slowly and with deliberation. 

“It’s the Queen’. (You could hear a tiara drop). This was worse than Harry and Meghan eschewing their sacred duty for a life of self-absorption and dull parties in Hollywood

‘The Queen? Why are they crook on the Queen? What’s the Queen done? She’s 97 and far from fit, and Phil is a breadcrumb short of the biscuit’. 

The Minister gathered himself and became Statesman-like. 

When Gun-boat diplomacy gave WIN-WIN Trade deals.

‘The Queen, I’ll have you know, in their eyes,  stands for the humiliation inflicted in the 1840’s. They’ve never forgiven the Empire for the Opium Wars. 

Ces responded with some sympathy, “We can understand the humiliation, but that was a long time ago”. The Minister replied tersely and with some fatigue redolent in his voice. ‘In the Middle Kingdom one hundred and eighty years is just the length of an episode of ‘The Kardashians’. It’s as though the insult of a free-trade deal that went too far was only yesterday’.

 ‘Then if they’re crook on the Queen why are they so crook on us’?

‘It’s simple’. He paused and we could hear him light up a Craven A before continuing with Churchillian effect,  the Trade Minister asked us to turn to the flag we had (‘our proud boys in Afghanistan”), with all the glorious victories  of Australian troops embroidered over the top of it and said; ‘see that bit in the top corner’? 

Prototype Australian Flag being road- tested, (behind Union Jack) during the Opium Wars.

 ‘Whilst we have that symbol, of our former empire on the corner of our flag, we’re the first plank in a policy to destroy the legacy of the old empire.  They’ve got it in for the old Empire. Tone told us, it’s an envy borne by our access to Rhodes scholarships, memberships to Lords (that is out of bounds to any CCP official cos they haven’t got the credentials of an old school tie)  and the sacred anointment by Her Majesty and the glory of winning VC’s for knocking off wops in foreign places.  They hate that. It gives us an unimpeachable position to be chosen by God to give  the gift of civilisation the world over.  And that’s why Boris is sending the Royal Navy to settle things in the Sth China Sea once and for all. Like it or not we’re the storm in the middle of the fifth eye’. 

‘Jeez Simon cant you get our Man in China to help us out? What’s Andrew up to’? (we were talking about Andrew Robb) the last Federal Minister who made a bucket outta trade. 

‘Andrew can’t do it’. Si was talking about the former Trade Minister. ‘His contract with Land-Bridge is up, he’s on a mere 700 k stipend to sit in his seat in an office somewhere and do nothing but help a few developers in planning decisions with Council. “Jeez,  like the other Andrew’? 

The other Andrew, our other man in China.

‘Yep, and he didn’t even have to pretend to be head of the AFL. Mind you, there is a silver lining, both of em have VIP passes for life to any Grand Final”. 

“And the test we asked”? 

‘Yep, only for the  Boxing Day test and Ashes series, that was a precondition’. They’d both clearly made deep sacrifices in the duty of public service.

‘Jeez Simon, which Andrew are you talking about then’? 

Im talking, (he paused for effect)  about his Royal Highness Prince Andrew? 

The real Andrew, anointed by GOD to serve the EMPIRE!

“Jeez, Prince Andrew” (we ghasped in reverence), is he the solution? 

Stay tuned to our next enthralling episode of high-stakes international diplomacy and compelling drama, in “Will the Coal tanker unload?” or….” Five eyes or brown Eyes? The choice is ours”

Birmingham to Beijing, “they won’t answer the Bloody phone”

Dear reader, in a second instalment in dealing with the ugly Canberra Beijing stoush, we pick up where we left off, the Pcbycp team being briefed by the Trade Minister on a cunning, evil, fiendish, nefarious plot of “foreign interference” to corrupt Australian values.

There was a pause, then we heard the sound of the famous Chinese opera: “Farewell my Concubine” we knew this because it was Tudgey’s favourite. After the opening few bars, Simon spoke again; ‘recognise it’? . “The Opera’? We said, ‘yep’, and Si whispered; ‘but didya hear the code’? 

‘What? Is there a hidden code’?

Yep they’re playing it in the lifts and foyers of CRA, Western Mining, Rio, and BHP. They have it on rotation in their boardroom. At Fortescue, its blaring on loudspeakers into the street and through the length and breadth of Perth. Its like COVID, once unleashed it’s unstoppable. All of a sudden Aussie citizens are waving red flags, quoting Mao, and talking about the “EVIL FIVE EYES”. I dunno how they do it, but its contagious and outta control. Even my kids are looking at me funny, and humming Bars from, ” The East is Red”. Last night they turned off the telly during the screening of ‘The Block’ to watch a live feed from the Party Congress and commentary for the politburo and the  ‘Peoples Daily’.

Infected Aussie primary school kids

‘Jeez’, our singular response was epithetic. We were stumped for words.

Simon was beside himself.

‘And its got worse, last night the kids switched off the coverage of the second test between Zimbabwe and Tanganyka to watch a ping-pong tournament from Shenzen’.

Clearly Simon Birmingham was in a bind, though the evil foreign power had found a way to infect us beyond the artifice of ” Cyber Crime”  we never expected the lengths they were prepared to go to subvert ‘Australian values’.

‘And what has it to do with our task in untying the Gordian knot, finding our way through the labyrinthine musings of the CCP, and the dilemma faced by the pillars of Australian industry, to dig shit up, and real estate’? we asked.

“IT HAS TO DO WITH EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR’!  They re not only infiltrating our real estate and mining industry execs through Chinese Opera Classics, the twin pillars of Australian society, but with the threat of pulling back on coal and real estate we might have to do something we’ve never ever done before ‘.

‘Tudgey’ performs ‘Farewell my Concubine’ to the Press gallery. (all the women in this image had ‘working with Tudgey clearance’)

‘What’s that Si’? we waited breathlessly for his answer.

‘That’s to THINK’, then followed silence. 

‘To think’? we asked

‘Yep to think.  To possess a national imagination, to demonstrate science, humanity and compassion as the singular unifying principles of a modern Australia rather than cronyism, vested interests, short termism, populism and the quick buck”. 

“That’ll never work Simon, just ask Barnaby”. 

‘Yep it’s abig ask. But this is bloody serious. If we don’t lift our game China has got us by the short and curlies’. 

Ces responded quick as a flash: ‘shouldn’t Barnaby be our man for the job? He’s got proven experience over a wide range of short and curlies, and if appointed can straighten out a wok-full of noodles faster than it takes to clear Tiananmen Square.  Only our boy from the bush has the capacity to do to the Chinese what he’s one for the Murray Darling”!. .

Simon demonstrates the words to ‘Advance Strayla’ to the press corps.

‘Isn’t it easier to just let em take over’?  (Quent quipped), at the very least the trams and (with emphasis) the trains will run on time’. 

‘I know, it means about thinking  about being clever, thinking about regarding innovation and technologies and enterprise rather than diggin shit up and flogging real state. This has ramifications for the soul of Australia. And I’ve gotta tell you the Property Council aint happy with office rentals.  They’re diving faster than the value of VC’s awarded in Afghanistan.  When he spoke of Straylia, we turned to our aussie flag on the wall, signed by all long serving members of the 2nd battalion SAS in Afghanistan, and we all solemnly intoned, “ Aussie heroes one and all”. 

‘And the worse of it, (the Minister continued) not just the ramifications of turning our universities into places of actual thinking and research, but to transform the political landscape and challenge, the short term xenophobic, jingoistic insularity that has characterised Australia since the Howard years’, 

‘The Five Eyes’, sort of a segment rather than a full round table.

‘No clean living Aussie would do that’….

What will happen next? Read our next excoriating episode Can Australia fend off the Foreign Interference, or capitulate?  find out in our next episode, “A fistful of Yuan”, or “Dr  Aziz’s, Casey’s cooked -book”

Simon Birmingham, who looks a little bit like Errol takes a peek inside our think- tank.

How to work with China, (from our China experts). 

Dear reader, as an internationally recognised agency of  pan strategic global politics and a bit of a think- tank, (our think tank is unique, the ex RAN Collins Class rescue vessel, ‘HMAS Suppository of Wisden’ has been specially fitted out by our friends from Crown. It includes, leather upholstered Chesterfield lounge setting, an ex-Crown gaming table with intact magnets, scanning and listening devices and a full size television screen offering Playstation, X box and VHS for older thinkers and a high roller accredited washer and dryer for currency handling and cocaine dispenser) we are regularly asked by International governments and private enterprise what our view is in any given contemporary diplomatic issue. 

Ces looks out of the think tank airlock before re-entering and continuing DEEP THOUGHT!

In this we give succinct and direct advice, 

Our advice is backed up by in-depth analysis, and vetted by our experts in political science, economics, international law and real estate. Thus equipped our hotline is red-hot on advice to leadership groups the world over on what to invest in, what direction to take, and for the UK government, what private firms to give vast amounts of cash for the notional supply of PPE’s without due diligence, tendering process or analysis as to whether the firm has any expertise in the field they allege to represent. And we give this advice solely upon the condition that the directors of any of the said firms can prove their family links to current Ministers of the Crown. 

Quent imagines alternate realities and questions the inviolable truth of payday lending and Sports bet from the think tank

In doing so we lubricate the wheels of governance, and ensure that the status quo is maintained. Namely, that the rich and powerful get  to stay on top, and the vast majority who pay taxes are treated with benign contempt. That is the way of the world. 

Until yesterday. 

The phone went white hot. It was Simon Birmingham. He’s our Trade Minister.  Sime got straight to the point; “I’ve a problem with China”!.  

“Yeah mate’ we good humouredly replied; “who hasn’t got a problem with China’?. Simon laughed, “Yep it inspires some more of me poetry’,

“Some say it’s a systemic failure

But China’s gone crook on Australia’

Simon on a field trip in search of new trade partnerships.

We all had a laugh, in spite of the fracas between China and Canberra he could still inspire poetry. That’s the Aussie spirit in full. When faced with adversity to have a laugh. That’s why we keep changing the lyics to “Advance Australia”, the song is so boring no one knows any of the lyrics. A change here and there won’t make any difference. ‘Have another crack Si’, we all laughed, by now he was on speaker phone, who said the wit and skill of repartee and informed debate was missing in Canberra?’

‘Yeah mate , we’ve be laughing as much as a container frull of crayfish in a Chinese port’

‘Or a Container of Aussie wine, left to rot on the docks’.

‘Or a bulk carrier of barley, that’s been becalmed’,

‘Or a foreign students uni fees that will never be refunded’, 

‘Or, wait for it, an Australian born Chinese’s pledge of loyalty to Eric Abetz” 

By this stage Si was in full flow, ‘Hang on a mo, got another one, 

‘They dont like our wine, barley, crayfish and more

But they cant keep their hands of our iron ore.’

‘Bewdy Si that should go into Hansard’!

 Si agreed, “or maybe another verse of Advance Australia’? 

Si was on the ball, with this bloke holding the levers of trade.  We were in good hands, “how can we help you Si”? 

Trialling the compact think-tank and think-tankette, Shanghai trade Fair 2020.

‘Well it’s tricky see. And what I’m about to tell you about our trade relationship is top secret, that’s why I called you, a trusted source and it’s in CODE. It’s all about “Foreign Interference”. 

In a flash we knew what he was talking about. Foreign interference could only be one thing. 

Foregn interference was code for  …..

Internal workings of “HMAS Suppository of Wisden”. (not shown Don’s batting average 99.9 stencilled to exterior in Gold).

What is the code? Will Simon Birmmingham unlock this new threat upon Australian culture?  Or will he suffer a legislative assembly of the Hong Kong parliament? Find our in the next thrilling episode, “Australias yellow- tinged peril” or “ Two Wongs dont make a white paper”.  

Dear reader, as you have doubtlessly been following our splendid exploits with the SAS on the foreign fields of valour, you will be shocked by the excoriating details of alleged atrocities. 

For us, ex members of the RAR 21/22 nd battalion AIF, (Australian Imperial Forces) who take great pride in our mission to civilise the savage masses of humanity who eschew pay day lending, 24/7 shopping and Sports-Bet, this comes as an affront to every serving member of his Majesty’s forces. 

This is a DISGRACE

Australia has a clear history of honourable conflict.

Is this the ADF’s Conniston Moment? 

This is worse than anything Breaker Morant did, and we have it on good authority that Breakers lawyer, Jack Thompson, living legend and heart throb for the over 60’s would be buggered trying to help these blokes. Blokes, who like our cricketers are alleged to have gone a little bit too far. 

As Don said; “sometimes you have to use a cricket bat to swat a fly. Just make sure it’s a pommy fly, and the grace of God and wellbeing of the Australian people will be with you’. So whilst we wait for the court enquiries, the sentencing and the prison terms for not playing by the rule book, (Mallory’s Morte d Arthur) we would like to make one humble suggestion that puts the shame into a correct light. 

The soldiers in the field in Afghanistan, were not Australian soldiers, 

As Clausewitz famously said, “on the field a unit, a platoon, and entire division is identified by the flag they carry into battle’. Precisely! Those who committed atrocities were not working for the Australian Government, and therefore are nor responsible to Australian law. 

The photographs reveal the fallacy behind prosecution. Just as Trump lies besieged by the forces of truth in the White House, so these brave men should not be tried under Australian law. 

For example, this image take in Something or other province, clearly shows troops performing the sacred right to civilise savages under the flag of the Third Reich. Now apart for the odd atrocity, the Third Reich did produce crack troops. It suggests that the demise of the Third Reich is an unsubstantiated rumour. And as the image shows, these troops are very much acting under the authority of a Fuehrer. Perhaps its an identification of Australia’s lurch to the right. Either way, these are not Australian soldiers. 

The next image shows troops, allegedly American and Australians fighting under the banner of Shutzstaffel, colloquially known as the ‘SS’. We believe their leader is Heinrich Himmler who was alleged to have died in 1945.  Clearly his ethos  and command is still with troops invested in the sacred rite of civilising. Himmler’s obsession was with cleansing the east, so the middle east is not far off the mark..

This  next picture proves that the Confederacy is not dead. Jefferson Davis has reputedly been dead a long while, but it seems fair to assume that his spirit is definitely with us. 

So let’s hold the Confederacy to account, the SS and the Third Reich.  Once again those rotten Nazis have abused the fair and upstanding rules of war. They’ve rubbished the ethos to ‘play up, play up and pay the game’. 

In the international spirit of cricket, those bad- ass Nazis and Confederates have used the Sandpaper. 

We must ask ourselves can we ever recover from their shame?

Rather that,  than ask the harder question as any politician won’t tell you, the reason why the were there in the first place. 

The Rt (dis)Hon Alan Tudge, “Tudgey” to his mates.

We at pcbycp applaud the decision by the Federal Government to set up a dudded sheilah support group (DDSG) headed up by Dyse, Alan and Christian. 

As the spokesperson for the Battered, Broken and Buried Sheila’s Response Group (BBBSRG) says: ‘it’s an opportunity for blokes of significant whiteness, and power, through representing the patriarchy to instruct (by example) on how women should behave in public life. Principally, to KEEP THEM OUTTA TROUBLE! To understand the over-arching principle of manifest destiny and the patriarchy as a GIFT FROM an ALL LOVING GOD, who seeks through the doctrine of  original sin and ancient bearded-men the world over to punish women for being bit players in the old testament and of being no consequence in the greater scheme of things. 

Our man of law, the AG, ” Porty” to his mates.

The Prime Minister held a special press conference to proudly announce the three new sub departments in the Super Department of Minor and Unimportant Womens Issues, (DMUWI)

“This is a progressive initiative taken on behalf of the Coalition to address this appalling situation. 

Some of em are squealin to the press. They’re impugning the reputations of Ministers of the CROWN. Who are just getting a FEEL for their job. A job that carries the weight of RESPONSIBILITY. To Make high level decisions on COAL, GAS, ABO incarceration and looking after mates.   It just aint GOOD ENOUGH!

‘Porty’ and ‘Dutto’, ( ‘spud -head’ to his mates)

I choose these blokes to represent womens issues with the same confidence we evinced when Tony Abbott became the Minister for Women and Aborigines. Though he’s heading up a Brexit trade negotiation, (applause from the audience) Im sure that these three blokes WISE MEN ALL,  will do for womens issues what Tone did for aboriginals. They’ll be so grateful that they got off lightly with a slap on the bum, a squeeze and a resignation, that they’ll be pleading for more.  As the AG himself says;  “treat em men, keep em keen”. 

So here’s the rollout

The Department of Touching (and Feeling)

Dyse is heading up this one.

The first of the sub-Ministries  the Dept of Touching a Feeling will be headed by Dyson Heydon. Dyse is a leader in the field. He’ll put a strong and firm hand on womens issues and squealers will be given special treatment.

The Department of Dumping

Tudgey has a handle on this, and together with the sub Ministry of Dissing, Dudding and Gaslighting

Dyse. Both these women had working with Dyse certification.

The Department of Bum Slapping. 

This is a shoe-in for Porty. He’s got form and he’s an expert in the trade. As AG. He knows what women like, that’s why in his own words;  ‘they keep comin back for more’. 

Barnaby, the man who started it all. A BLOODY LEGEND!

So to recap, this is not a thought bubble, we take sheilas interests really seriously. Ferchrisskes me mum was one, I think.  It has been said that God must’ve had a mum by one also. We wouldnt go that far, cos as Rupert says, ‘the science aint in yet’, but women have proven in Australian politics  the capacity to make the sandwiches, and clear up after question time. The Aussie sheilah has a track record in being reliable, honest and full of integrity, and if ya slap em round a bit they generally take it in good grace. It’s an undisputed piece of Aussie culture that we don’t like dobbers and women know their place. As it is said in testicles, chap 5 v 6, “she whoeth be rib- born shall be stoned righteously if she questions the authority of man made in the image of an all loving god’. And so it is written. 

And if you don’t believe me, it s been countersigned here by God’s Deputy himself Cardinal Pell. 

Case closed. 

And I say this with CONVICTION!

Michaela, a good strong woman in Canberra.

You still need a bloke to mow the lawns. Just ask Jim.

In Strayla we have only one National Anthem 99.99.

Dear reader, Glady’s has recovered from Daz, and is now questioning the lyrics to our glorious national anthem. Is this her madness of King George moment? Or does it suggest a turning point in the national psyche?

please read on…

(for the impaired or vulnerable we suggest if the content is confronting and you already possess a predisposition for cultural nuance identity disorder  CNID, we suggest playing ‘ I love to have a beer with Duncan ‘ in the background and anxiety will be soothed, negative impulses of thought, introspection or insight, suitably buffered)

Glady’s writes

“I think it’s about time we recognise the tens of thousands of years of the First Nations people of this continent,” she told ABC TV on Wednesday. “Unity is so important.”

‘Is Don is Good’ (new anthem opening line)

She is backing the campaign to change the opening lines of Advance Australian Fair from “we are young and free” to “we are one and free”.

“Recognising all of our key parts of our society is critical … and I think if we say, ‘we’re one and free’, it acknowledges that we’re not really young as a continent. We’re tens of thousands of years old when it comes to human inhabitants,” Berejiklian said. “Respect is important. Inclusiveness is important.”

The change would reflect that Australia has the longest-living culture on its continent through the Indigenous Australians.

“And I think it’s about time that we start recognising that in all of our national symbols and all of our national ways in which we represent ourselves,” she said. (Guardian Australia)

“leave our bloody flies alone”, (verse 2 new anthem)

We at pcbycp are in furious agreement on this score, 

We believe that the acknowledgement of First Australians is often overlooked. Overlooked for exactly the same reason that Australia as the number one Sheilah killer and number one environment despoiler  in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD is not mentioned.  As a nation we are modest. We don’t like to brag about how bloody good we are. 

You can witness this at the cricket. Whilst the Poms have developed a whole spectator culture out of singing songs, making new ditties and inventive, clever, and whimsical ways of portraying sport culture, we just chant ‘C’mon Aussie’ and ‘Aussie Aussie’… We don’t like to let the Poms know that we wrote by ourselves, without the benefit of a think-tank, a focus group, and  without the global dominance of Coca Cola, all four verses to “I love to have a beer with Duncan”. 

Where a batting average represents contemporary Strayla as TRULY AVERAGE!

Just as our real national anthem, (Waltzing Matilda)  is about a deadbeat drunk sheep duffer in the outback who’s so pissed he falls into the billabong to escape the Public Safety Officer who’s crook on him for not wearing a mask, so we abhor boosterism, and what others might see as “Trumpian hyperbole”. 

We’ve fucked up and killed the Great Barrier Reef for no other reason that it was THERE! We did out best to cleanse Tasmania of natives, cos they didn’t appreciate just how important Don’s batting average was. And we like killing Sheila’s, in marriage, out of marriage, alone, with other Sheila’s or just because they annoy us, because we can. Even our Federal Ministers and Dyse can’t keep their ands off em.  Like Koalas we like killing them cos they’re cute and friendly. WE HATE THAT, and some Sheila’s have ideas, WE HATE IDEAS IN AUSTRALIA!

Kids have no trouble learning Dons batting average.

So Gladys, let’s put in a few bars that truly reflect Aussie mateship and drinking culture. Perhaps a verse or two about being dudded by shifty spiv ex-Ministers, and a verse or two for Ministers of the Crown with nuanced investments in the Cayman islands. 

At the end of the day get rid of Advance Australia all together. WE like Gas and Coal. That aint advanced and WE LOVE IT! 

“Advance”, the whole tenor of it is lefty, and we HATE LEFTIES!

So find us a new anthem… 

Don discusses Keith Millers batting average and copping the odd ball on the chin with Princess Margaret.

Please send you suggestion to “Find a new anthem at pcbycp”. Send your stamped self addressed envelope to “pcbycps find a new anthem comp” and post code 99.99 ( Dons batting average) and we’ll forward it to “ The BIG IDEAS Forum” C/o Barnaby Joyce’s Murray Darling vitreous enamel Basin.

‘Fake News’

Dear reader, the final installment of our recent dispatch from the pcbycp team with our troops embedded on the North West Frontier (Afghanistan)  The story continues where it left off, with the locals not enamoured to our diplomatic offer of an ANZAC themed barbecue.

As we recall the pcbycp led by Lt Smartars*, were busy implementing skills learnt from ‘The Intervention’ in dealing with untrustworthy and unruly natives.

“What a ripper, it worked in the outback, should work here, and besides though they don’t like beer, they could enjoy beereish culture. Let her rip”.

In seconds the side of the Perentie was down and music was blaring, “I’d love to have a beer with Duncan’, and from the esky at the back, the SAS were throwing bottles of Coke. ” I’d love to have beer with DUNK”

Our mate Duncan, (who we like to have a beer with)

The locals went apeshit. ‘We drink in moderation”

They couldn’t fathom VB, but Coke was the singular unifying symbol of international prosperity.

‘And we never ever never get rolling DRUNK’

We couldn’t tell.  At first we thought they were delirious with joy, but by the sounds if it, they were STILL unhappy? …

‘We drink in the town and the country, where the atmosphere is GREAT’

‘You know it just goes to show in the end we don’t all share the same values’,

‘Too right’, said Ces,

‘That in the end, our values are better than theirs’,

‘I Love to have a beer with DUNCAN, Cos Duncan’s ME MATE!’

‘And like the Abos, during the intervention, they’re still ungrateful’.

SAS building “Better Communities”

‘Yep mate, they wouldn’t know culture if it hit em fair square in the face at a Yoghurteers Convention’! We all had a laugh, Ces had nailed it once again.

We got back on the chopper, and took one last look at the barby. Some of the kids were already climbing over it, another clear sign of disrespect. Disrespect of our dominant and Civilising CULTURE!. ‘Jeez’, Smarty reflected, ‘Now they’re lifting the hotplate, and look there, they’ve thrown the Rising Sun adorned Splash-Plate into the dirt. Makes yer weep’.’

On the floor of the chopper a few unexploded incendiary bombs and a pack of grenades rolled about. As the chopper lifted well clear of the crowd Smarty nonchalantly pulled the pin and threw em out the door.

‘Just to make sure’.

SAS Perentie’s forming a circle to co-ordinate ” Love to have a beer with Duncan’ for maximum community building effect.

‘Hangon a mo, what’s this? An Aussie Flag wrapped around some tins of pork sausages, “Gift from the Australian Government’, Smarty heaved them into the swirling mass of humanity. ‘A Keepsake to go with what’s left of the Sherrin’.

Smarty waxed philosophical; ‘That’s what I learnt from The Intervention.

‘THE HORROR’, a buggered barby and a desecrated Sherrin

No relationship can prosper unless it’s based on the application of well directed BRUTE FORCE to instil TRUST in our institutions of Good Governance through the reinforcing coercive value of RAW FEAR’.

There was a dull thud below us, “Good- o, the barby’s safe now’!

And by the whiff of it, “its fried steak n kidney with mince-meat patties ALL ROUND!”

“And don’t forget the PORK SAUSAGES”! piped Ces,

“DEAD RIGHT’! We all said and pissing ourselves over “The Horror” we cracked a few more VB’s for the short ride home.

* Cpl Smartars has been promoted to Lieut Smartars during the course of this embedded tour as a consequence of winning the ‘Building Stronger Communities Equestrian Event’. Image depicts Smartars returning to Kabul after installing another barbie whilst under enemy fire and SINGLEHANDEDLY rescuing the Barbecue Tongs and Toasting Fork. (For this he was mentioned in despatches).

Note; if you have a problem or know of someone with an undisclosed V.C affliction, seek help and ring either ‘SAS Stronger Communities Life-Line’ or the “unremarkable non V.C winner also-ran Afghan veteran support group” and our resident mental health support staff will be in touch with immediate action. Just quote the Don’s batting average and you’ll be fast tracked to either a newly minted Sherrin, (signed by 22 commando unit SAS) or a hand signed dvd of Ted Whitten performing handball during World of Sport. Both items individually framed or pictures supplied for wall mounting, in the trophy room, your favourite bar, club, or mental institution.

Part two, we finished where we left off, attempting to install civilisation amongst SAVAGES!

ADF recognises the unquestionable authority of the Sherrin in civilising dark places.

Smarty walked over to the Afghani who started it all.  From the bits of him, not adhered to the walls, we discerned something grim, a fragment of what looked like leather, on the external surface, “ Gift from the RAR”, and still barely discernible “SHERRIN”. 

‘Jeez’! Smarty ejaculated, ‘that bloke wasn’t carrying a bomb, he was carrying a footy, the Royal Australian Regiment has been here before, (he paused for emphasis), “IN CIVILISING”!. If we’d known we would’ve bought em a complete set of Ted Whitten hand-balling skills DVD’s, (‘and a player’ interjected Ces) along with the barby. Buggered if I know what that bugger was trying to do with the footy? Is it a crime to desecrate a Sherrin’? 

‘You betcha mate, it’s not only disrespectful to our culture, but it’s also sacrilegious. It’d be like questioning the bona-fides of a VC holder, or suggesting that a Minister of the Crown was crooked’. 

‘You’re right Smarty”!…. We faced in the direction of OZ, and with our hands on our hearts intoned, “,No Clean-livin Aussie would do that”!

NO CLEAN LIVIN AUSSIE WOULD DO THAT!

Still, we’d better get onto it, and before you could say ‘snag’, we had the cement mixer whirring away and the barbie, was being built. An Apache landed a load of bricks, and another Iroquois loaded a bench top and several gas cylinders. Each cylinder, marked ‘A GIFT FROM THE AUSSIE GOVT,’ with Don’s batting average inscribed on the side. ‘Who said war’s bad’? Ces laughed. We all had a chuckle this was our ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ moment. 

‘Fuck me’! (opined Quent), “where are the locals? Who’s gonna use the barby’?

‘I dunno’, Ces replied,  ‘maybe they’re hiding! No use having a Barbie unless you’ve got locals otherwise what would be the use? It’d be like questioning our very role in helping these blighted bastards in the first place’. 

Smarty was onto it, ‘Round up what you can find and bring em over to the barby’. If they don’t wanna join-in we’ll make em. Just at that moment a slab of VB fell from the sky. We looked up, “who said there aint heaven’? And we each cracked a can, and waited for the locals. Ces, busied himself in troweling off the edges. 

Ted Whitten, universally accepted symbol of international fair play and sportsmanship on the Field of valour, God and King etc, etc,

Smarty returned with a gaggle of local kids and women. The women were all veiled, we sniggered, as if we wanted to look at em anyway, and motioning with the butt of his 50 cal, smarty made em look at the barbie. The crest at the rear of the splash-plate was a rising sun motif, and beneath ‘a gift from the Australian Army’. 

The women and children started screaming and yabbering. Ces offered em a beer, and they looked more scared, like it was a grenade. ‘Jeez, Smarty thought you said you’d sorted out the Abos out during the intervention, why aint it working here’?   ‘I dunno’? Smarty curtly replied (you could tell he was annoyed) ‘maybe there’s something missing’. ?

In a flash he had the answer, running back to the Perentie and the still smoking quadruple 50 cal and a group of disinterested SAS veterans playing cards he muttered a few words, and in a flash, the SAS were over with an interpreter. 

Our replacement interpreter. Lasted about as long as the other one. Cant remember his name either.

‘Whaddare they sayin’?, Ces cried, ‘dunno’, the interpreter waived to us, we wandered over, 

‘What’s up’? In strongly accented dialogue he described the villagers we killed were all innocent; “That why what’s left of the village aint happy (and to put a finer point of international relations on it), they aint rapt in your civilising’. ‘Innocent me balls’! Ces cried, “they wouldn’t graciously accept our offer of a barbie! In Oz that’d be worse than dissing a mate”. 

“I know’!, Smarty had an idea, “howsabout we do a ”Wake in Fright on em”

What’s a “Wake in Fright’? Will our intrepid men at the front introduce ‘two-up’ as a cross cultural benefit, or is it portentous of something more impenetrable?  Stay tuned to our next explosive episode in ” Two cans to Tarenkot’ or…”You only live Once”!

After all we’ve done for em! INGRATITUDE!

From our embedded reporter,

We got the tip off at 5 Ack Emma, (that’s five am for non military types). We were GOING IN!. 

Our mission? To install a barbecue on another Afghan village. 

A symbol of Australia’s determination to civilise savages in the field, and a display of our technical excellence in building BETTER COMMUNITIES!.

There was none, but we still had to do it for THEIR OWN GOOD!

Cpl Smartars, (pronounced ‘Smart-arse’, “Smarty” to his mates) knew a lot about community building. He’d piloted a Chinook during The Intervention. He reckoned after he’d disgorged a cohort of military police, a battalion of SAS, an elite commandos corps, a bomb disposal unit, a medical team equipped with the latest operating theatre, and triage unit and a lone psychologist, his words, “ the Abos,‘ll be into the “Space Age” from “the Stone Age” faster than you can say “Stronger Futures’ had a ring of truth to it!

In Afghanistan PROUDLY flying our National FLAG!

In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” National Flag

The NT Intervention. Teaching the locals how to stand around.

Smarty had a point. After the intervention he could point to the success of civilising. The prisons were full, the Abo’s were cowered, and the public, (as always) could be guaranteed (apart from some lefty wankers) to not give a stuff. That was the one abiding principle of Aussie, the apathy. That’s where he got the idea of installing barbies in benighted, wretched communities writhen by drugs, pornography and alcohol. Though there wasn’t any of that in those communities it didn’t matter.  It was important to show we cared and was doing something about it. And it looked good for the folks on the telly back home. Almost as if a REAL PROBLEM was there. This gave us background. Background is important for dealing with Abo’s. Some people reckon they’ve been around for fifty upwards thousands of years. All we knew was they’d been complaining ever since settlement, and didn’t appreciate how lucky they were and how grateful they should be. That’s the core principle of civilisation. They’ve gotta be grateful with their culture being displaced by 24/7 shopping and day time telly, and Sports Bet. Perhaps that what makes em so crook? The fact that in fifty thousand years they never came up with such great ideas. Ideas that generate TRUE wealth. 

Anyway arrived at a village and there were all these Afghan blokes standin round, looked like they were gathering for a mosque or something. Normally we‘d use the interpreter, but the yanks shot him last week in a friendly fire incident. We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either. 

In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” ‘OTHER’ National Flag

Preparing to mount the Crest on the splash- plate of the Afghan Barby!

One of em looked shifty.  Smartarse asked him; “whaddayou lookin at me mate’? the Afghani just looked mutely on. “Stupid bastard”, Smarty turned to us; ‘reckons he  can’t understand English, or was he tryin to be shifty? To emphasise his good intentions Smarty waved his barbecue tongs and said; ‘we’ve come to put a barby in your square, and with a bit of luck you’ll fucken understand the sacred peace-making role of the barby’. The Afghani, pretended not to hear, and we noticed out of the corner of our eye another Afghani walking across the square. He looked shifty also. He was carrying something, Before you could say “How many runs did the Don score in the 48 test series?” Smarty yelled, “He’s got a IED”!, And the blokes for the SAS, motioned us to get outta the way and HIT THE DECK!

We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either.

Within seconds the square full of Afghani blokes was gone. We couldn’t tell if it were the machine guns, the semi automatics,  the fifty Cal, the Claymores, the napalm, the mortar shells, the 40 mm, the 88 mm or the 110 mm or the bomblets. Just to be sure the C140 Gatling made sure there were no stragglers. When we looked up and the shooting stopped, the only thing left were the barbecue tongs standing curiously upright, “Jeez’, Ces said to me; ‘all this barbarism is wiped out, and civilisation prevails”. Ces was philosophical that way. 

He had a point. Innocent lives had not been wasted, 

Will the pcbycp team remain embedded? Stay tuned to our next civilising episode in ” A Kabulli-Beef Beyond” or ” Two Paki’s short of the North West Frontier”.