Dear reader,

we take up where we left off, our heroes saved by the bell for something much worse, a date with BIG GINA! What has this got to do with the Coalition’s very excellent Carbon Policy? Read on in this penetrating episode and get the full bottle on Barnaby and BEYOND……

Aussie heroes stand firm against Lgbti trans, X ** in the ADF. Tattoos a testament to standing FIRM!

The conveyance, if you could call it that, bumped and swayed as it went over a set of points. In the gloom we could see other trolleys, hoppers, carriages if you could call them that filled with papers and the exterior marked ‘Climate Policy’, ‘Refugee Policy’ and ‘Deaths in Custody’, the mind boggled. Beneath Canberra, train-loads of paper, all meticulously filed, sorted, and rejected bound for who knows where?

It turned onto a hairpin bend, another door clanged and there bore us in his UbersturmbandFeuhrer’s getup was Dutto, ‘back again so soon boys, yep the meister tells me you’re off to see Gina, half yer luck.

What else did he say’?

Benny replied with military precision, one thing you could say about Benny was he had a fantastic memory, he could remember everything just as it truly happened. That’s what made him Australia’s most decorated soldier EVER! His capacity for  getting the story RIGHT! He illuminated Dutto on Angus’s latest move, something about the Pilbara ,’it has many treasures, and the best of it is, we aint blown all of em up yet’!. 

Dutto’s penetrating eye

Dutto laughed uproariously at Benny’s joke, slapped his sides and convulsing with laughter one eye glared at us penetratingly as if to say ;“ what the fuck are youse lookin at’? Even in mirth Dutto was still a Queensland Cop!

Dutto was eating a vanilla slice, and just waved to Benny-Boy, Benny leaned over and grabbed a custard tart, an ice Vovo and a Hedgehog.

A hedgehog short of the Tim Tam

Dutto laughed; “and that’s not the best of it, I grabbed this lot at the latest ADF poofta morning tea, and managed to get a whole crate of party pies before I closed the bloody thing down. You know what they say ‘No poofters in the Australian army’! Benny laughed and turning to us,  ‘and no lezzo’s either’, Dutto’s always the copper, whenever there’s some cleaning up to do he just helps himself’, 

‘Enough of that backchat Benny-boy, you look after the literary side of things and your mate Kerry and I’ll look after the civil side of things.  Together we’ll Citizen K the whole effing country’! 

‘Too right boss, and Benny just to be sure grabbed a packet of Tim Tam’s, a plate of Monte Carlo’s and some Snakes that were destined for the LGBTI-TRANS X NON GENDER morning tea that had been correctly closed down by Dutto. Ces and I were starving, and both put our hands out. ‘Allright then’! jeered Benny Boy, “for being such good boys” he flicked us a few chocolate freckles. “Jeez boss the meeting with ol Angus saved them so much they’re fucken scared shitless”!, Too right It’ll teach em a bit of respect, and by the way, (Dutto was being nonchalant); “why the fuck are they still here, weren’t you meant to chuck em in the poo”?. 

More chocolate freckles than smarties!

‘Big Boss orders, to keep em alive, 

Said something about operation Grand-Slam or summit, I dunno’.  

‘GRAND-SLAM’! Dutto shouted, “So they’re gonna have to deal with BIG GINA!  Then, turning to us; ‘Could’ve saved youse boys, but…ITS OUTTA MY HANDS’!!

Taking Aim for STRAYLA!

What is outta Dutto’s hands? Find out in the next crepuscular episode, “ A fools errand”, or “A Tim Tam short of the LGBTI-Trans X Non gender morning tea”

This is what an indigenous French person looks like,

Dear reader,

we’re delighted to bring you another musical dispatch from the front.  For those of you who are not bilingual, (as demonstrated by NT indigenous education policy) the opening phrase is French. French is a language common to that part of Western Europe not excised via Brexit. This is terribly confusing, but should be translated into contemporary ‘Joycean’, (Barnaby not James) Australian English as ‘G-Day’.

Our correspondent writes;

Bonjour mes amies,

The intervention became a boon for official sign-writers

Today June 21^st as I’m writing this I’m filled with joy. It is the 14^th Anniversary of the Northern Territory Emergency Response (NTER) better known as the Intervention. Symbolically it is also the shortest day of the year in the southern hemisphere.

By the time you receive this, if you were unaware of the significance of this day you will have missed out on the opportunity to celebrate such an auspicious occasion. On the other hand, you may have celebrated the re-emergence of that Lazarus of Australian politics to a leadership role, our very own Barnaby Joyce, or the signing of Australia’s Free Trade Agreement with Brexit Britain, both events which can be expected to beneficially trickle down to us in Yuendumu on our level playing field.

An unnoficial intervention sign

Some of you may not be aware that the NTER when it reached its use-by date after it ran its five-year course was followed by Intervention Mark 2 labelled Stronger Futures. Stronger Futures will expire (after 10 years) in a year’s time.

There is little doubt in my mind that a cabal of public servants are now planning Intervention Mark 3, which using a natural exponential progression will last 20 years until 2042 before Australia reaches zero nett carbon emissions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqkxd32dbwM

The Future’s so Bright I gotta Wear Shades Timbuk 3

What will they call it? If they follow the way that they relabelled the Closing the Gap strategy, Intervention Mark 3 will be labelled ‘Stronger Futures Refreshed’ (dinkum there was a Closing the Gap Refreshed initiative, complete with its own website)

‘Barnabious Joyceus‘, lesser Queensland red-neck. Qld.

In case you can’t work out what I’m on about: Definition of ‘cabal’
cabal
/kəˈbal/
noun– a secret political clique or faction.

‘Barnabius joyceus maj’, ‘The superficial gregarious red neck’ Dist: Qld, Nth NSW.

Hence- a cabal of public servants.

Not to be confused with the “False Barnaby’ Barnabius Bofoonis, Endemic to Regional Aust, Coal Mines and Big Business.

When I first arrived in Yuendumu birthdays were not much known here. Asking an older person in English “when were you born” often would be met with a “Mandarin” (Mt. Doreen) reply. Where you were born had far greater significance to Warlpiri people than when you were born, thus the English question was usually misheard. When birthdates started to be recorded a person’s age was estimated or calculated from people’s recollection (e.g. “I was a little boy this high when that missionary from Haasts Bluff came here”) the birthday usually assigned would be the first of July.

On the first of July this year a funeral will be held for Jangala at Yuelamu (Mount Allan) on his 100^th birthday. His assigned date of birth was 1^st July 1921. There were no public servants out here recording births back then, nor deaths.

Often confused with the Breast Beating V.C Winner, ‘Killem Afghanis’, and the Lessser Jingoisitic Peck-sniff, “Bummus lickerensis“

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs5vUfddkT8 (The Beatles- “They say it’s your birthday…..”)

A bientot

Frank

Barnaby, a consitent upholder of family values, and after three years in the wilderness….

Dear reader, you thought we were going to add paragraph after gushing paragraph on the elevation of Australia’s, (arguably) greatest politician EVER, the Rt Hon Member for Coal and Big Buiness, Barnaby Joyce.

But instead we have to continue the gripping tale of our heroes as they try and find out who did defile Mrs Culthorpe in Parliament? Mrs Culthorpe, a fallen woman who’s only crime was working tirelessly as a parliamentary intern. In a plot that twists and weaves more confusedly than a National Energy, Climate or Carbon Policy, our heroes are in deep shit! Not of a metaphorical type, but in reality, as they are about to be flung into the sewerage beneath Canberra by Ben Roberts Smith, ( arguably ) our finest soldier. The Minister for Energy, Angus “the Cayman” Taylor, and Peter, ‘Dutto’ Dutton are the masterminds. But by a miracle, almost as significant as Barnaby’s return to power, and his bid to stem the flow of mighty rivers with his shrill rhetoric, the heroes were given a reprieve. Just in the nick of time.

A new family to uphold family values with….

Who is Nick? Will this be their last time? Will time run out for Barnaby? Who’s time is it anyway?

Find out in this next compelling episode:  “a shandy short of pissed pollie on the floor of parliament”, or “two wongs dont make a White paper”.

Wrong kind of family values

We return to the scene as our heroes were whicked away on a light real beneath the bowels of parliament, at the helm Benny Boy, to a fateful assignation with the woman they call “Gina”.. read in for the next intestinally gripping episode…..

All Angus did was glare: ‘Take em away Benny-Boy’. It was a new beginning, the fact that Angus was working for the Chinese Communist Party, and not just as a lobbyist, but as a fully fledged General in the People’s Army, and that he had licenses to exploit global water resources anywhere in the world on a scale that made his Cayman Island stake in the Murray Darling look like a trickle. And he even had options and licenses pending or the surface of Mars and the moons of Uranus. 

He was a colossus! 

Benny-boy was a colossus also! 

Barnaby and Senator McMahon. Being pissed in parliament should not be a crime. NT and Qld Ministers loathe indigenous public drunkedness

But of steroids and drug enhanced ligaments, whereas, Angus was the true super-man, a superman, more Neitzsche-ian than  Nietzsche himself. And the full bottle on philosophy and human- kind, that’s Grange, cos Angus is a man, an undisputed man of CLASS!

We had to hand it to Angus he knew how to make governance pay, and there was certainly more jam to be had than Jam-land, and plenty of gravy too.   But he also was our executioner, and if I hadn’t blurted out “ Grand Slam” we would’ve been drowned in sewerage. 

But what was in store? Something worse? What was Gina going to do to us? 

Was Gina going to do to us what she did to the resource rent tax? Or worse? We daren’t think, cept to be grateful that we were still alive. 

The forecourt to Senator McMahons tastefully designed indigenous garden.

Still, with Benny-Boy guiding us along a subterranean tramway obviously paid for by the Chinese government because it ran seamlessly, on time and without deviation we knew that this was just a precursor for something much worse. We didn’t have time to see if the lines had been manufactured by Uighur slave labor as the new trains destined for Victoria were, but we were impressed with the seamless transition from raw sewerage to another lineal transfer system. You had to hand it to the commies, they knew how to direct their objective.  As Benny leered at us, I said to Ces; ‘well, we might as well enjoy the ride’, and sat back. Ces was leafing through the funding submissions for sports centres, for stadia, library’s, hospitals and child-care centres, All of them stamped ‘Inadmissible’ and ‘Non Compliant’ and ‘REJECTION’ stamped over them.

Ces remarked;  ‘Jeez, Quent, they all look reasonable’, but in the half light we could see they were all from Labor electorates. ‘That figures’ he said,  ‘the figures whichever way you look at em wont stack up. In the end I spose it’s true what they say winners are grinners’. And Benny who had acute hearing from listening to the soft footfalls of Jihadi insurgents walking through rice paddies guffawed; ‘Yeah, and there aint no bigger winner than one with a VC tattooed to his chest’….

The Feds new Energy Policy is centred on a “GAS LED RECOVERY” and “SMART UNIFORMS’! A joint recovery between the Corio refinery and a second-tier boarding school nearby.

Will a tattooed VC save us from something much worse?

Find out in our next episode; “A trolley to the Pilbara”, or “Five Graves to Corio’!

Dear reader, 

Our heroes poised once again, above a yawning abyss. Once again facing imminent death. Once again in a hopeless situation.  And once again, with no end in sight. ( if you think this is like the Coalition’s Climate Policy you’re dead right) But being dead is not just the beginning, nor is it the beginning of the end, but the dead end at the very end. 

Olden days heroes really knew how to dress

What will happen to our luckless heroes? Are they a Witness K away from oblivion, or just two Biloloea boys caught up in the system? A system that just wants to process em and move on.  Find out in this next systemic episode; ‘two steps forward is not necessarily progress’ or…. ‘Cracking and Fracking don’t mix’. 

Read on…

Nowadays they tattoo their credentials onto their bare skin

Angus motioned to Benny-Boy, who pushed us closer to the lip of the trapdoor. Our minds were racing, stalling for time. Stalling for time as the clock ticked, as the hourglass emptied, as the last beers were called.  But as we stalled we knew we were running out of options, an implacable force, an inexorable will pushed us to the brink. Thinking of anything to stop this descent into Canberra’s raw sewerage, and the oblivion of drowning in politicians poo was terrifying, but none more so than the hulk of Australia’s most decorated soldier ever, leering at us and saying; ‘Can I Can I? Can I? Do it now boss”? 

I blurted out; ‘but, you can’t,  but you shouldn’t, but you’d better not’, and all Benny did was leeringly wag an index finger at us and say lasciviously, “Are you tryin to say No means No’! And with that he gave us a ‘Fat Lady Arms’ grin, that made us shriek with undistllled TERROR! We were surely in a pickle and clutching at pretzels, straws and any metaphorical small good that came to hand. Anything to delay the inevitable. Thinking of similar scenes in which the victims are saved by the proverbial bell, but also knowing that Angus was not interested in detail a Dorothy Dixer would just shut the door. Thinking hard, thinking of death by compression, death by drowning, death by being forced to eat raw coal or even death by boredom. What would a super hero do? What would an elite member of the SAS do? What would Dr Who do, and finally, ( as we’re dressed in matching Safari Suits purchased at the local op-shop) what would James Bond do? 

James Bond? And then the brain-wave hit me like a well aimed rifle grenade into an unarmed Afghani farmers house. We had one last throw of the dice or death. What had we got to lose?  I piped up, above the din, the glow and the goo,  “ and so it goes for operation Grand- Slam’!!. Thinking in desperation, if it worked for James Bond in ‘Goldfinger’ it might just work again. And to our amazement Angus motioned Benny-Boy to stop. 

Nowadays they look mean and scary, no Savile Row suit here

‘Is Operation Grand-Slam that important to you’?

From the shadows and imperceptible pause and then Angus made a curt reply?

“Operation Grand-slam, so you know of Gina’s plan’?

‘Clearly’ , he mused: ‘you are still of some value. Just killing you seems to easy, if you know anything about ‘Operation Grand-Slam’ you still might have some residual use, I’ll see what Gina thinks about this, you know’, he sniggered, ‘in your safari suits, (he laughed uncontrollably, and then gained his composure), Gina might even fancy you’?

What had Angus in store for us? Was a relationship with Gina gonna be worth it? And what use could we possibly be? Our bluff had worked, but just like ‘Clean Coal’ and a GAS LED RECOVERY, did any of it make sense? And would the price to pay be greater than our souls? 

We were picked up by the collar again, and held aloft,  ‘Aw jeez Boss, when can I have my fun.’?. 

‘Later’! Angus roared; ‘when this lot is sorted, and then he qualified, ‘ Once and for all” 

But mobile phones are an important accessory, sometimes several will do.

‘Benny, put them in the shuttle and await my orders’, 

‘Righto boss,’ and with one impulsive jolt we were picked up and placed in a hopper of sorts, 

A small gauge rail truck with a wheeley bin hopper. The hopper was marked, ‘non compliant funding grants,’ It was chock-a-block. Ces and I plonked in together and the lid shut with a plasticular thud above us. ‘It could be worse’ I muttered and Ces could hear a; ‘yup we could be the recipients of the Feds Climate Policy’! We both laughed, cos there was NO such thing as a Federal  CLIMATE POLICY!

What will happen in the next politically charged episode?  Will our heroes find a way out? Find out in the next instalment, “Gina aint no Loloboridgida”, or “Lang’s Hancock’, 

More epoch making than the Coalition’s Climate Policy

Dear reader, just because the quality of journalism everywhere is below abysmal it wont stop us from stooping really low, and discovering a gem, a gleaming jewel plucked from a sacred diadem, hallowed and beatified  and bought before your adoring eyes, as a thing of worship. That’s the only way ever to explain the profundity locked within Princess Migraine, formerly the archdeacon of Sussex’s new kiddies book.

Not since Coleridge penned Xanadu has a fragment of English literature revealed so much about where we are in the ‘Shite-Geist’, kinda way.  Our editor  A.D and ADHD Hope says, “ better than the bard, and more compelling than Lamb or Sheridan”. We asked for Sheridan and she’s out on stress leave, lamb was last seen on a bulk carrier bound or Abu Dhabi.

The poem penned by ‘Migraine’ of ‘Money-Cheeto’ is a telling insight in what it takes to be twentieth in line to the house of Windsor, and an undiscovered fucking literary genius!

The pressure is compelling, but through the weight of all that establishment the colour of humanity comes through. As described by our very own poet laureate, Sir Bryce of Courtenay, ‘it’s as if daylight savings blanche all the light out of your favourite chintz curtains, and they still glowed at night, as a dull monochromatic sludge’. 

More profound than any of Angus Taylor’s tax payer funded investment schemes

Who says ‘love aint blind’?, anyway it’s called “the bench”, something about the front tiers of the Westminster System, and other less well known flushable devices. 

Yours to enjoy……

“This is your bench

Where life will begin

For you and our son

A soldier returning from War, Prince Henry the twenty third was alleged to have served in Afghanistan. Is there a link?

Our baby, our kin”

“Right there on your bench

The place you’ll call home

With daddy and son

A link to our most sacred and highly credentialed soldier, Lord Ben of Roberts Smith, the hero of Kandahar! He invented the term ” LONE”!

Where you’ll never be ‘lone”

A COLLOSUS in KHAKI

Begging your pardon. There is a language warning attached to this episode. Language only heard at the ‘Fat Lady’s Arms’ is reproduced here only as a means of establishing authenticity to actual events. For further information seek usb’s and hard drives formerly in the possession of Ben Roberts Smith, (Australia’s most bravest and most decorated soldier EVER) c/o the backyard, dig 6ft. 

Our heroes about to be wiped out by the most powerful man in Strayla and the entire world Angus ‘THE ENERGY’ Taylor…. Read on for another confronting episode. 

Angus and Naomi, inextricably linked

After our confronting episode in which Angus divulged his secret as Laurie Connell’s ‘love-child’, the pieces had fallen into place. But as the last jigsaw piece snapped into place,  CONFRONTINGLY we knew that we were only a click of the Minister’s  exalted fingers away from CERTAIN DEATH. Ces and I would be snapped out of life faster than you could say ‘A GAS LED RECOVERY’!. With the trap-door open, the turgid goo beneath us and the hand of ‘Benny-Boy’ on our collars, threatening to do what he did to un-armed Afghani civilians and his wife, we were beyond scared. We were Shit- scared, and that was the least of it. 

Angus being an only child was all of the more  dis-avowed, rejected flung into the cold, intent upon revenge, and we wondered, if he was indeed human?  Was this the first of the auto-bots we’d heard about at the Shengzou robotics facility?

Meryl Swanson, proof of an ANGUS-LED Recovery in Labor!

We knew that Xi was a prototype but was this the first Eurasian hybrid. As far as we were concerned it all stacked up, the lack of empathy, the delusional sense of entitlement and the fixed intensity of purpose driving GAS and CLEAN COAL when the whole word just wanted to shut it down. This auto-bot had an intensity of purpose that made ‘Arnie’s’ Terminator look like a fairy at a kids party.  Clearly the Shengzou robotics facility had outdone its previous standard, and produced something terrifyingy real, and yet, UNREAL! 

Cee whispered in my ear; “ He’s like an expensive Kia sports car, there’s traces of European refinement, but the detailing is piss poor and no re-sale value”.  Was this the destiny Angus and his establishment cronies sought for Australia? 

Meryl’s mob proudly displaying daily Jobkeeper and Jobseeker payments diverted to her local Harvey Norman, which just happens to be owned by her husband. Family Values giving strength to the notion of ‘Commonwealth’.

Laurie always knew a good deal, and Angus gave the deal a touch of CLASS!!! No wonder the front bench in spite of a flood of scandals were in awe of him. He could turn a flood of scandals into RIVERS OF GOLD! And all they had to so was line up and Angus would show em how to turn governance into personal wealth. It was so easy, but needed a firm hand, for clumsiness could expose the scheme as bare self interest and in a robust democracy like Australia that would never do! And we couldn’t forget the principled stand made by Labors own Meryl Swanson who stood firm against the will of her very own party to ensure that Harvey Norman never paid back the jobkeeper, because her hubby ran the store in her electorate. Notions of Fair-Play would affect her bottom line, and perhaps the investment properties she collected courtesy of the taxpayer. WE could see that on both sides of the political spectrum the stakes were high and we were the only rissole left on the barby. And it was a kosher barby, blessed by a bloke from Halal, and to put none to fine a point on it, we were about to be skewered. 

BUT CES WAS FUMING!! WE HAD NOTHING TO LOOSE AND HE WAS GONNA GIVE ANGUS A FULL BROADSIDE BEFORE WE WERE PUSHED, 

We looked to Benny-boy for inspiration and the realised that only strongly worded SAS parlance would cut the ice with this mad bastard. Ces opened the batting with a confrontational moment of truth, hoping that this would shock Benny out of his power-dom.  Ces sought the ballistic option and seizing the last card in the deck that was truly stacked with ‘CLEAN COAL and a “GAS LED RECOVERY”. Ces whispered to me as we dangled over the edge; “Clearly negotiation won’t work, howsabout I use the kind of language that was popular at the Fat Lady’s Arms, that might do the trick’? 

’Look here Benny, this power thing is corrupting you.  Its not that power corrupts, just that Andrew and Laurie  are just CUNTS! And You’d know what… you are the cuntiest cunt of them all, and we should know, we’ve been trailing behind this Angus bloke, (if that’s his REAL NAME ) all over Canberra. We’ve been pushed from arsehole to breakfast, and he wont say ‘please’, ‘by your leave’ or ‘thankyou’ just once. And yet we’ve helped him at every turn of the screw win favour with the big end of town. Gina and your good self are just PRAWNS’! Ces, pleading with Benny Boy, then used his trump card. ‘Not even Quentin wants to see you since you’ve started hanging round with THE LIKES OF HIM’!!!

Benny-Boy receiving Australias highest honour whilst trying to disguise the fact that it was his prosthetic legs that were used as drinking vessells at the ‘Fat Lady’s Arms’.

With the utterance of one word, “ QUENTIN” Benny’s demeanour changed, he knew we knew something, but now all of a sudden we knew TOO MUCH!! 

What will happen next in this Compellingly Cuntrarywise episode? Will Ces and Quent shuffle off, or will this be their Denouement? Find out in the next fist-banging episode, ‘Angus Beefed’ or “Free-trade, Freedoms and the law given by Magna Cartier, on Benny-Boy’s watch”?.