Flashman’s memoirs, considered greater than Roberts-Smiths iconic, “Tossing a wop off a cliff”!
Dear reader, you’ll be glad to know that in light of the Federal Government’s ‘warp speed’ determination in evacuating Australian personnel from Kabul, (after it has fallen to the Taliban) we recommend you read other fabulous account of evacuations from other places that have fallen.
Foremost is Flashman’s memoir on the retreat from Kabul in which (once again) allied intelligence falls somewhat short of the mark.
Wing commander Reginald Fortherington, DSO (and bar), ”I almost got away ‘ describes in gripping detail his attempt to escape from the lido lounge at Maxims in late June 1940. And not to be outdone, Lord Plitheroe Potheringtons , (late of the Royal Scots Dragoons) epic drama, ‘Last gin at Raffles’, describes his brilliant plan to escape the Japanese after the fall of Singapore. No attempt was made, but his sequel, “Not so bad under the rising sun”, details the hardship of stingahs and watered-down and corrupted third-tier Gin in the officers lounge. But enough of evacuating and all credit to the Feds for doing what they do best, ‘NOTHING’, until the crisis has swept all else in its sway. We dedicate this next piece to all who must feel the need of “evacuation” before its too late. A word of advice from the editor; “avoid over spicy food’
Only known colour daguerrotype of Flashman
As you may recall Sophie wanted to show us something before we were knocked off!
Ben Roberts Smith (right foreground) leads the Singapore re-enactment at ‘AWM- World’, (a subsidiary of Disney- Corp)
By this stage we were past caring, either to be done-in by ‘Benny-Boy’ Australia’s most decorated soldier or just liquidated by ‘Dutto’ made no difference, we were finished. And in a way quite happy to be just bumped off. As Ces said; it’s like a bad tele-drama that never arrives at the punch-line! We were written into it. And had no say in the proceedings’. Still, obeying Sophie’s command and with Benny-Boy in tow, we were led to a door. A lift seamlessly took us down into the bowels of the earth. It was eerie, and deathly silent and when we did emerge, we were ushered into a chamber carved into the bare rock. We could feel the heat of the earth and surmised we may be kilometres down, and with Benny and Sophie our only companions, this was a vision of hell, without the inferno. Not Dante’s but Nev’s inferno cos it was probably powered by ‘Clean Coal’ and part of the ‘Gas- Led Recovery’.
Ben Roberts Smith re- enacting Flashman’s heroic struggle “bit hard to get witnesses now the Taliban has taken over”
Adjusting to the darkness, we dully obeyed, ‘This is what I wanted to show you two boys! I think you’ll get a laugh outta this’! And pulling an impressive set of skeleton keys from her garter, she fiddled with a lock, ancient and rusted, that hung forlornly from an ancient metal grill. This inner chamber held us in a sense of foreboding, because in spite of the deathly quiet, and the musty residue, undisturbed for decades, there was this pre-sentiment of evil and just perceptible the dull ticking of a clock, that reminded us , with the minutes slipping past that, ‘our time was nigh’.
‘In here’, and Sophie motioned us into an alcove. Above us an old computer set up with reel to reel tapes, and a switchboard carved into the solid lock still whirred mechanically. A solitary fan whirred in a St Vitus dance of lethargic melancholy, whilst Sophie, driven and intrepid as ever, punched a key-code into a panel, and one by one lights, began to flicker, and in due course illuminated another vast chamber, with row upon row of lozenge shaped vessels.
‘Take a look at these beauties boys, believe it or not you’re about to make history!
We’re not sure if it’ll work, but with you blokes the ones to set it off, we’ll get a pretty good idea, Who says Australia aint nuclear? The poms left a dozen of these for safe keeping, Since 56, they’ve been sitting here all along.
We realised they were all good ol 1950’s nuclear devices, left over by the poms.
‘Retreat from Kabul”, re- enactment courtesy of the Federal Governments ‘Climate in-action group’.
We could tell because adjacent to each device a crate left as it was when the devices were placed in cradles proclaimed, ‘Gift to the Australian people from H.M Government’.
Sophie saw us looking at them, Ces was counting, ‘seven, eight, nine’, he paused and scratched his head, ‘eleven, twelve, there’s a full dozen’,
‘Yeah’, Gina enthused; ‘it’s the gift that keeps giving! No wonder I’m an ardent royalist!
‘If it weren’t for these beauties I’d still be a shit-kicker backbencher for Indi! I’d be as welcome as Prince Andrew at a Girls school. Those ungrateful bastards, they’d wish they’d never ever heard of Kathy McGowan and those snivelling little independents! I’ll give em a dose of independence they’ll never forget’!
” Repelling the hordes” new interactive display at ‘AWM- World’ depicting sovereign borders standing up to another round of abject failure in foreign policy.
‘Well boys you might as well know it, this is my special place and this gift, the poms left in a bit of wasteland that not even the Abo’s would give a toss about, is about to become my very own sacred site. Not even Rio can do what I’m about to do, and by the grace of God Im gonna fucken do it. Whaddayou think boys’?
‘I think you’re mad’, Ces exasperatingly blurted. I said ‘steady Ces she’s just a little bit more colourful than the others’. But Sophie was in full force; ‘Well I’ll tell youse, this is my manifest destiny, and for all of you and the indiginies who are never happy, after all we’ve done for you, this’ll teach you to be grateful!!
Can the electorate of Indi ever feel grateful? Will Aboriginal Australia feel grateful for all we’ve done for them? Will President Xi and Angus ever recognise Sophie as the TRUE LEADER? Will Barnaby come to the rescue and save is from the nemesis of a carbon free future?
The sad retreat of ADF personnel from Kabul under the “National Flag”, (currently being trialled by Crown executives in recruitment drive)
Find out in the next tangentially implausible episode “Sophies Joyce”, or ‘Three Quoins in the Fountaine’