Dear reader with the Trump ascendancy putting everything up in the air, (so the speak) we feel it is fitting to offer you this snippet from the past in which certainty was erased in the maelstrom of war. And what is described here is all true!!
We can only hope that we’ll be at war with someone real soon, as the entropy of worrying about humanity, the environment and reality television is just too much. And with a new broom in the White House there’s never been a better time to don the khaki and celebrate all the wars we’ve fought with our dear allies, or anyone willing to stand with us for the virtues of manifest destiny, Real Estate and Empire. And if you want to know more about the Empire ring 0300045671243, (toll free) and ask for Rupert.
Fockers over the Federal. Dry Saturday. Dec 25. 1917.
By 1917 things on the western front were in a complete stalemate. The central powers keen to make inroads on other fronts after the success in the Russian campaign and the treaty of Brest Litovsk sought to establish a diversion before the weight of America’s entry turned the tables against victory. After exhaustive research at High Command it was determined that amongst the allies a breakthrough could be made if morale could be sapped from the combatants host countries, and with the subsequent collapse of morale, the ardour for fighting would be reduced.
Wowserism driving recruitment to unprecedented numbers
Among the most enthusiastic combatants, who actually volunteered happily for slaughter, the Australians had made quite a mark. The German command were fascinated by their capacity to destroy themselves in useless engagements and were spell-bound by the Australian command’s subservience to the lowest tier of British Officer. Indeed in several instances German officers educated and trained In Oxford and Cambridge wandered into the Australian lines in disguise and ordered whole battalions over the top. To their surprise and without hesitation to a man they did. Flabbergasted by their willingness for immolation it was felt that the Australian solder, though possessed with fighting ardour and tenacity lacked a sense of personal safety and this was felt to be partly due to the acceptance of life on the front as worthwhile with its sideshows of free drinking and cheap wine, and other creature comforts, to the austerity bought about by six o clock closing back home.
Happy soldiers enjoy a Pilsener on the western front. Unfettered by six Oclock closing.
Success with the Irish had proved how important changes to drinking culture were to the civilians, and how this in turn effected the troops on the front. After considerable research the German High Command determined that a sub group in Victoria, the “wowser’ had instigated six oclock closing in a pathetic attempt to increase patriotic fervour. The opposite took place, which further accelerated the flow of volunteers for the front and the promise of access to virtually, “free grog”. The wowsers congregated in a temple of sorts, the Federal Coffee Palace, and it was from this building their tentacles of temperance spread across the land. To the Germans the process was simple, sever the octopus at the head, and the wowser hold on the public would collapse. Without wowsers and temperance, hotels would re-open and the willingness to venture to the western front would cease. And ultimately, the Australian, and perhaps the rest of the colonials would lose interest in fighting for Empire altogether.
On December 25 1917, Zeppelin L7, 89, 90 and 91 with heavy Albatross and Focker Escort wrought “Mass Destruction on the City of Melbourne’. Their strategic objective, to undermine the instigation of six oclock closing by destroying the Federal Coffee Palace. In what became known as ‘Dry Saturday’, the stately building was destroyed. What ensued was a catastrophe unparalleled since the ascension of Mathew Guy as Planning Minister. Though the Federal Coffee Palace was reduced to rubble, the early closing of pubs continued till 1965. Only the demise of all the wowsers through old age could change the regime and by then they’d passed the baton to a new generation of wowsers who succeeded in closing everything else.