Do you think dear reader we’re ecomomising on copy? Indeed not, as we’ve morphed back on to the mid 50s with Malcolm, (‘nothing ever happens’) Turnbull enjoying his Prime Ministership, we thought we might as well stay firmly stuck in the 50’s and entertain you once again with another Game delight.
Rain delayed test match art work. Very Rare first edition. c. 1949.
And as a brief editorial note, ‘The Squatters Ugly Daughter’ has received a flurry of correspondence which has triggered the Hector Cawford Clause, (‘any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and lies solely with the creativity department’). So it’s onwards and upwards with another fatal disclosure from the fabulous fifties.
Sir Reginald Abruthnot preparing for a Test Commentary. Colostomy Hall 1952. (the Coconuts and teleprinter were ingeniously inserted within the iron lung carapace).
Rain Delayed Test Match was the brainchild of Sir Reginald Foxtrot Abruthnott, (the third Earl and famous ‘Iron Lung Olympian’) of ‘Colostomy Hall’ in Lincolnshire. Such was the frequency of rain delayed cricket events, and dismal performance of English test cricketers during the period of pre war domination by the antipodeans, Sir William hit upon a brilliant idea. He envisaged a hybrid between synthesised cricket, and a board game, that mimicked the actual commentary which would continue for the duration of the test irrespective of any action on the field.
A completely synthetic test series being prepared at the ABC Studios.
Synthetic cricket had proved very popular, and Sir Arthur renowned for his pioneering work, and burdened by a rigorous process of physiotherapy was quite adept at improvising his own synthetic cricket pops and cheers with a coconut, a teleprinter and one of the very first Telefunken reel to reel tape recorders. Indeed during the dismal 1949, ‘Imponderables Tour’ the play was so stultifyingly boring, the commentators decided to conduct the entire broadcast commentary from Colostomy Hall with Sir Arthur performing wondrous improvisations with his tools of trade. For the next several years, the archive revealed that the 1951 West Indies Test, the 54 Indian, and the 58 Sth African Test were all improvised from Colostomy Hall, with Sir Arthur improvising live crosses, crowd cheering, commentary, weather reports including state of the pitch and groundkeeper reports. With such success and plaudits flowing in from the counties, Sir Arthur was quite prepared to take in the entire series for he 61-62 tests, when he inadvertently cross wired his iron lung in order to improvise the sound of a jet aircraft, ( Royal Air Force) flyover and suffered a cataclysmic electric shock. The public, unaware of the devastating impact and loss of Sir Reginald, clamoured for more live broadcasts, and the ABC, who had by this stage won the rights to test mach coverage in the antipodes improvised ‘Rain Delayed Test Cricket’.
A Test team was invariably obliged to enter the oval for publicity purposes.
The purpose of the game was to improvise conversation on weather, the pitch, local characters and special points would be awarded to the most lengthy anecdotes, and sustained detailed descriptions of nothing in particular. In a very short time, the game became a phenomenal success. With the advent of television, most players would just leave the screen on, with live action, whilst improvising the commentators, action and opportunities, of which there were many for sponsors segments and prizes. The other appealing aspect of the game, and its international success was attributed to the fact that all the game pieces, the 11 men and umpires were kept secured in the box, and adaptations were made to patrol the ground after an hours interval, between games, with a super sweeper and Ferguson tractor. This gave further opportunity for far-ranging discussion on agricultural implements, wool prices, and pasture improvement.
Worried by the impact of total improvised, synthetic cricket commentary just prior to the birth of World Series Cricket, the tycoon Kerry Packer, bought out the John Sands subsidiary, (manufacturer of both test cricket, and rain delayed), and abruptly closed it down. He then encouraged a significant cash back bonus for any old games and managed to successfully, (not matched till the gun buyback) to destroy almost every last one of them. The tradition lives on as glimmer of the glory days on ABC cricket coverage, and one can only weep at the thought that another generation of great anecdotalists has been squashed forever by the insatiable appetite for cheap entertainment, and the subsequent decline of colourful english usage.