Is there truth in the rumor that the Queen might be crook? Is this the end for Antipodean lick-spittledom?
Or will those invested in the sacred duty of lick- spittledom rise to the occasion?
Dear reader,
We held off sending this missive from Frank of the far north because we’ve been inundated with correspondence from an unknown quarter. During the course of the year we see it as our solemn duty as a responsible media outlet to answer all our correspondence. Lately, with our forensic investigation into the nefarious money laundering, graft, corruption and nepotism at the core of our investigation into Windsor Inc. We have been forced to employ several highly credentialed scribes just to answer the wave, the tsunami of correspondence we’ve received in relation to the gold ingots, the suitcases and the provenance of said gold stamped either Hancock prospecting or the three plumed escutcheon of His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales.
Will the chinless wonder save the Empire?
Just yesterday we were issued with a letter of demand bearing the royal crest suggesting, (and we paraphrase) ‘unless we stop our investigation of the gold ingots for peerage scam forthwith, our accreditation as members of the Fellows of the International accredited non-aligned press corps would be revoked’.
Will Lord Rolf of Harris recite; ‘Two little boys” and reunite the crimson bond of Kinship?
A direct consequence being our reportage of high-level royal intrigue and attendant photo opportunities would cease. We asked for clarification and received a terse ‘we are not amused” and then a further demand for not one, not two, but several suitcases of ingots to be delivered to this address, ‘The Old lady’s House Balmoral”. What could this mean? Is there change afoot at Windsor? Has the standard rate for a peerage been fully indexed against CPI, bracket creep and inflation? Is HRH Prince of Wales entitled to bracket creep? We cannot answer these known unknowns, but what we can do is warn the citizenry that the next week we may be drowning in the full ‘Royal effluvium”.
And like spitting, it’s something that may affect our safety, our sense of duty and sense of well-being, For the sake of personal dignity we advise that over- exposure to the ‘Royal effluvium” may result in necrosis of the soul. The symptoms being; forelock tugging, wallowing, and the anticipation of weeks spent in the tedium of royal watching.
Where is the royal spittoon in our hour of need? No need for it, for in the NT, they have their very own principled and receptacles for spit, the NT Police Force.
Is Frank the only informed voice North of the North-West Frontier? Will he wear a spit-hood emblazoned with the Royal Coat of Arms?
From Don Dale to Yuendumu, is this the best they can do?
Take it, (the Royal spittoon) away Frank……
Hola amigos,
I don’t normally send two dispatches in two days, but someone (thank you GG) forwarded me this exciting bit of news from the Wollongong based Mirage News. I’ll let it speak for itself. I’m speechless:
Will the currency have to be re-badged. Will the archetype Noble Savage be re-drawn with a spit-hood, to demonstrate PROGRESS?
Labor delivers for police and other emergency workers on spitting assaults reads the headline-
NT Government 1 September 2022
Spitting on police and other frontline emergency workers is a vile act which now carries stronger penalties, delivered today in parliament by the Territory Labor Government.
Territory Labor today passed amendments to the Criminal Code and the Sentencing Act 1995, which include spitting as an aggravating factor for all assaults and an increase in penalties. Offenders who spit on police or emergency workers can now face up to 10 years in jail.
Spitting at workers is an offence which has been far too frequent. It places police, ambulance and other emergency workers at risk of long-term consequences from communicable diseases and can be a significant factor in stress and mental health concerns.
Strengthening these laws is another step forward in Territory Labor’s community safety initiatives which put victims first and deliver appropriate consequences for criminal acts.
The increase in penalties reflect the seriousness of spitting, especially in light of the risk of communicable diseases we’ve seen with the Covid pandemic, and sends a clear message this behaviour is unacceptable.
Police officers have a role in maintaining civil order and emergency workers respond at times of greatest community need. These frontline heroes shouldn’t face such dangers in fulfilling their duties.
Will other chinless wonders fill acres of newsprint with their confected hurt?
Quotes from Minister for Police, Fire and Emergency Services, Kate Worden:
“We are a government that is delivering on our commitment to protect and support our hardworking police and emergency workers.
“We’re delivering on addressing police mental health and wellbeing, and now we have delivered stronger protection for all our first responders against the disgusting and dangerous practice of spitting.
“Police and emergency workers deserve a safer working environment and it’s our job to protect our vulnerable workers who every day put themselves on the frontline to protect and respond to our safety and welfare.
Will there be more bright and shiny medals for those who selflessly protect us in the name of Her/ His/insert relevant LGBTI Trans Sex inter, mutant pronoun MAJESTY?
“It also recognises this behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated, and that the perpetrator must take responsibility.”