Our pcbycp accredited fire plan auditors are on standby to assess your risk.
Dear reader, having a correct and accredited fire plan is a vexed issue. And though people may be busy clearing the back paddock of bracken and up north they’re clearing what’s left of the biosphere, there is never enough time to sit down and think about how adequate your fire plan should be.
Local fire safety officers may be identified in your community by a red cap or white paper.
In wet and tropical areas, a fire plan may consist of a piece of muslin draped, and wetted over the larynx to ensure in the event of fire a moist voice box. This will augment communication, by allowing the wearer to shout and scream in a state of controlled hysteria. WE should caution that muslin is a light cotton material, and not an individual who questions, civilisation, anzackery and everything, (even a fire plan) as an affront to “Australian values”.
A bush hat and Coalition Climate policy will protect the wearer from natural phenomena.
Because there are distinct regional differences, you’ll need to adapt to your local conditons. For example; In the “dead heart” of Australia, a fire plan, may just consist of isolating those fragments of vegetation that are not sand, rock or gravel. Or as is often the case in the Australian Capital, a vacuum. Fire will not work in a vacuum. Prepare an audit of things that most likely will burn. Objects should be identified with yellow marking dye or the approved CFA fire safety streamers, whch may be purchased at your local pharmacy. Nuns, parish priests, childcare workers, lobbyists, scout masters, ex gardening show hosts and Mormons will not need yellow marker or tape in this instance, as they’re certified non-flammable.
What then for the average Victorian? Recent correspondence may assist.
Anita from “Way out west” writes; “I live in the shadown of the Grampians, and under the shadow of a different kind, the omnipresent fear that this summer we’ll be engulfed in a pyroclastic holocaust of such magnitude, life and every living thing will be snuffed out and we’ll enter a new dark age. What should I do”?
Red wine and naked opportunism are proven fire retardants.
Well Anita, You needn’t worry. Lord Rupert of Murdoch decrees the next thousand years will be one of darkness. All that shall prevail will be subdivisions, car yards and shopping to describe a civilisation that once thrived. But on a happier note there will be more opportunities for prison staff, paramilitary and Border Force operatives to ensure your continued Public Safety against fires and AFRICAN CRIME GANGS!
However, we appreciate your concern and have prepared these steps to ensure your fireplan is safe and efective.
1 Purchase the Kevin Rudd Autobiograhy, Volume One. This will ensure that in the event of fire, flood or interstellar impact your property will be safe. Ensure that it is placed on a lectern and facing the direction of the oncoming fire.
2 Play on repeat “Tie me Kangaroo down sport”. This will sap the fire of energy
3 Erect a cardboard, (on supply from your local IGA) cut-out of Cardinal Pell, “If there was a fire “,…. IT NEVER HAPPENNED!!
4 Pin coalition Carbon policy to your closest fence, The fire will receive “blowback”.
5 Become an Adani shareholder, this entitles you to a percentage of the four hundred billion trillion gigalitres of water guaranteed to the mining giant for free. Piping to anywhere on your property, courtesy of the Australian taxpayer.
6 Establish a “Protection Line” of Greens policy. This will equip you with a holier than thou subduction zoe that will convert the fires fury into dulled politically correct apathy.
7 An emoji, and an “alleged chortle/snigger” superimposed over cut-out of Cordelia in King Lear. This will snuff the reputation, heat and integrity of he fire as a thing of substance. Note: Be careful to avoid collateral damage.
Sensible Fire Protection gear. Note headlamp to identify African crime Gangs, and IPA neck scarf, (made from real asbestos) to ward off lgbti incendiaries.
8 Adopt King Canute, (Coaliton policy on climate change) and command the fire “stay back” . If you say it enough you might believe, and the fire might be reassured also, that it might work.
We have received dozens of other submissions, but advise that these suggestions have been proven. And would suggest in the event of fire you ring our pcbycp hotline (03 13000 458973), and listen to some very tastefully selected music which will assuage the tendency to panic, and assure you don’t do aything rash like put your head out the window, sniff the air and employ the artifice of common sense. Be afraid, insecure, and if you’ve still got a CFA, ensure your union membership is up to date and coutersigned D. Andrews.
Non compliant CFA users will be FINED and IMPRISONED!
Anita from “way out west” consults her local Fire Safety and African Crime Gang deployment specialist.
For your own safety.