Birmingham to Beijing, “they won’t answer the Bloody phone”

Dear reader, in a second instalment in dealing with the ugly Canberra Beijing stoush, we pick up where we left off, the Pcbycp team being briefed by the Trade Minister on a cunning, evil, fiendish, nefarious plot of “foreign interference” to corrupt Australian values.

There was a pause, then we heard the sound of the famous Chinese opera: “Farewell my Concubine” we knew this because it was Tudgey’s favourite. After the opening few bars, Simon spoke again; ‘recognise it’? . “The Opera’? We said, ‘yep’, and Si whispered; ‘but didya hear the code’? 

‘What? Is there a hidden code’?

Yep they’re playing it in the lifts and foyers of CRA, Western Mining, Rio, and BHP. They have it on rotation in their boardroom. At Fortescue, its blaring on loudspeakers into the street and through the length and breadth of Perth. Its like COVID, once unleashed it’s unstoppable. All of a sudden Aussie citizens are waving red flags, quoting Mao, and talking about the “EVIL FIVE EYES”. I dunno how they do it, but its contagious and outta control. Even my kids are looking at me funny, and humming Bars from, ” The East is Red”. Last night they turned off the telly during the screening of ‘The Block’ to watch a live feed from the Party Congress and commentary for the politburo and the  ‘Peoples Daily’.

Infected Aussie primary school kids

‘Jeez’, our singular response was epithetic. We were stumped for words.

Simon was beside himself.

‘And its got worse, last night the kids switched off the coverage of the second test between Zimbabwe and Tanganyka to watch a ping-pong tournament from Shenzen’.

Clearly Simon Birmingham was in a bind, though the evil foreign power had found a way to infect us beyond the artifice of ” Cyber Crime”  we never expected the lengths they were prepared to go to subvert ‘Australian values’.

‘And what has it to do with our task in untying the Gordian knot, finding our way through the labyrinthine musings of the CCP, and the dilemma faced by the pillars of Australian industry, to dig shit up, and real estate’? we asked.

“IT HAS TO DO WITH EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR’!  They re not only infiltrating our real estate and mining industry execs through Chinese Opera Classics, the twin pillars of Australian society, but with the threat of pulling back on coal and real estate we might have to do something we’ve never ever done before ‘.

‘Tudgey’ performs ‘Farewell my Concubine’ to the Press gallery. (all the women in this image had ‘working with Tudgey clearance’)

‘What’s that Si’? we waited breathlessly for his answer.

‘That’s to THINK’, then followed silence. 

‘To think’? we asked

‘Yep to think.  To possess a national imagination, to demonstrate science, humanity and compassion as the singular unifying principles of a modern Australia rather than cronyism, vested interests, short termism, populism and the quick buck”. 

“That’ll never work Simon, just ask Barnaby”. 

‘Yep it’s abig ask. But this is bloody serious. If we don’t lift our game China has got us by the short and curlies’. 

Ces responded quick as a flash: ‘shouldn’t Barnaby be our man for the job? He’s got proven experience over a wide range of short and curlies, and if appointed can straighten out a wok-full of noodles faster than it takes to clear Tiananmen Square.  Only our boy from the bush has the capacity to do to the Chinese what he’s one for the Murray Darling”!. .

Simon demonstrates the words to ‘Advance Strayla’ to the press corps.

‘Isn’t it easier to just let em take over’?  (Quent quipped), at the very least the trams and (with emphasis) the trains will run on time’. 

‘I know, it means about thinking  about being clever, thinking about regarding innovation and technologies and enterprise rather than diggin shit up and flogging real state. This has ramifications for the soul of Australia. And I’ve gotta tell you the Property Council aint happy with office rentals.  They’re diving faster than the value of VC’s awarded in Afghanistan.  When he spoke of Straylia, we turned to our aussie flag on the wall, signed by all long serving members of the 2nd battalion SAS in Afghanistan, and we all solemnly intoned, “ Aussie heroes one and all”. 

‘And the worse of it, (the Minister continued) not just the ramifications of turning our universities into places of actual thinking and research, but to transform the political landscape and challenge, the short term xenophobic, jingoistic insularity that has characterised Australia since the Howard years’, 

‘The Five Eyes’, sort of a segment rather than a full round table.

‘No clean living Aussie would do that’….

What will happen next? Read our next excoriating episode Can Australia fend off the Foreign Interference, or capitulate?  find out in our next episode, “A fistful of Yuan”, or “Dr  Aziz’s, Casey’s cooked -book”