Former Test captain demonstrates new Urn-phone. FAIL-SAFE! (accredited by ACB)
Warney, Spin bowler, test legend in “Phwaaahhh moment’, after sending a salacious text message. (Content censored by ACB)
Dear reader, we return to our saga, our heroes Ces and Quent trapped deep down below the desert sands of Maralinga, in the pursuit of our Tea-lady Ms Culthorpe’s’ penis wielding oppressor a forlorn hope. They find themselves beside a subterranean train track with Sophie, (arguably Australia’s most powerful Fair Work Commissioner) waiting for something to happen.
In their current predicament they’re short of ‘two bob’ or two shillings to put into the old PMG pay phone. In an exctasy of fumbling they turn out pockets and wallets in search of an illusive pre-decimal piece. Have they run outta luck? Is finding an old two bob piece as hopeless as finding an Australian test cricketer who doesn’t have form on the mobile? Find out in this next communicationally fraught episode, and read in anticipation akin to the conga-line of aboriginal deaths in custody enquiries just grows and grows. Because there’s always improvements to the system that can be made, and efficiencies won from the triple bottom line in monetising the criminal justice system is always good for the share-holders.
‘I aint even got ten cents’, Ces fumed, as he turned out the inside pocket of his safari jacket. Quent was in similar bother, feeling the lining of this tweed jacket, and giving the elbow pad a good squeeze, just in case his uncle Waldo had secreted a florin or two on game day, cos access to the footy in the olden days cost you two bob.
Jeff Kennett discusses Johnny Howard with Andrew Peacock in the olden days when phones were referred to as “bricks’.
‘Hurry, you useless bastards’! Sophie jeered. Benny-Boy was eerily silent as Ces explained to him that in the olden days when Australia was a manufacturing giant, producing Qualcast, AWA, PYE and Hills hoists, the shilling was the one with the merino on it, cos Australia rode high on ‘the sheeps back’. This was a difficult concept for Benny to grasp, and Ces was at pains to explain; ‘in the olden days we didn’t have a complex economy like we do now with the twin streams of mining and real estate’. Ces elaborated, ‘whilst the florin had the coat of arms….. ‘Jeez’! Benny enthused, ‘like the Fat Lady’s Arms’? ‘Nup’! Ces replied, “it was the Australian coat of arms”!!
‘Oh yeah Benny replied enthusiastically, ‘I seen that’s the one with the Crown on it’?
‘Nup mate that’s the different coat of arms other than the main driver of governance, economy and social policy that’s Crown Casino. Very similar, but if Ms Culthorpe had done her stint at Crown, she’d probably be managing director of the ethics and internal gaming enforcement agency, rather than a physical and mental wreck endured as a federal parliamentary intern’.
Sophie chipped, in, ‘she should consider herself lucky, if she’s still your tea- lady she’s still got a job, which is better than I can say for ‘Tudgey’s’ secretary, last thing I heard she can’t even get a job in a fish and chip shop’!
Mr Whu accepts “Bjelke Award” from CCP for establishing Australia’s newest Police State. And the ‘Leunig Award’ for turning a blind eye to the sacking of another cartoonist for daring to do what cartoonists do.
‘That’s a bit unfair’, Ces opined; ‘fish and chip shops are a noble profession’!
“Yeah” Benny chimed in, ‘being able to deep fry fish and do a hamburger at the same time requires multi- skilling, ever seen a politician do that’? We paused, there was one politician in Queensland who had form, but decency prevented her name for ushering from our lips. Even in a stygian downstairs environment we were still bound to codes of decorum.
‘Well then’, Sophie demanded,’Have you got any coins? Cos if you aint, it looks like time’s up for youse’… she pointed her hand-gun and her bejewelled trigger finger at us, ‘because if you aint got any coins, boys it’s the proverbial end of the line’!!!
End of the line sounded kinda final.. ‘You mean we’re gonna be slotted”? Ces enquired.
‘You mean it’s where we cash in our chips’? Quent probed
Loose lips, can SINK SHIPS!
‘Is this where we play the Last Post’? Ben quizzed.
‘Yep boys you’d betta think of something quick cos as a Fair Work Commissioner, I’ve given you plenty of rope, and you know what they say in China’?
‘That’ll be a 24, a 12 and a 35 with oyster sauce’? Ces replied,
‘Nup, it just means for crimes against the state I’m your jury, judge and executioner, and you’re gonna be dealt with right here and now, and there’s no use for crying ‘foul’, or ‘no ball’, cos in China they don’t get cricket, sandpaper, text messages or Umpires. THEY JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!!
No Blue, Red or Green tape, it’s an efficiency you’d DIE FOR’!
Mobile phone etiquette is well established
Is this it? Is this the final leap? The last train to Clarksville? Where the hell is Clarksville anyway? What is this Monkee business? Find out in the next rail-wayed episode; ‘Two tickets to Taiwan and no returns’, or ‘Steel wheels are not easily punctured’.