Abe screams with pain. Another Trump handshake victim.

We are flummoxed as to what to do with Donald on public occasions. Though the Saudi’s were happy to cement their special relationship with the US military for a hundred billion trillion, they were seen to be hot on the phone to the other alpha male Vladimir for some sage advice. Unfortunately Vlad, was not answering their calls. “He’s tricky that way”, a CIA spokesman was overheard to say. “One moment he’s giving us everything we need on Hillary, the next he’s AWOL The fact that they won in Stalingrad is nothing short of effin amazing’.

Macron sidesteps the handshake.

Recently leaked files from ASIO senate hearings on un-Australian behaviour indicate the Department for Foreign affairs, The AFP and the standing committee on poise and decorum are at sea on the subject. But some clues may give an insight. The leaked report indicates the latest determinations on this vexed subject. The Merkel non-shake, (now referred to a ‘Merkel Gate’) caused a sensation. But as the report confidentially reveals it were nothing compared to the turmoil faced by Malcolm Turnbull. On the issues of the handshake policy options the authors were critical.

The paper represents these principles in dot point.

Option 1 go the handshake, or reject the handshake’, just keep smiling.

Option 2 go the sideway deceptor (Trudeau).

option 3 go the Saudi King, and in frustration seek redemption from Allah.

Option 4 go the Shinzo Abe, a handshake that hurts.

Option 5 go the Macron, break the buggers hand.

Option 6 Go the Montenegro, push the bastard aside.

Shirtfront. A viable option.

From the AIS, (Australian Sports Institute no less) comes the decision to adopt a sideways, rugby AFL fusion, part tackle part ruck, and confuse the Donald in mid poise. As head of security detailed in his recent talk to a shocked audience at the recent “basket full of implausibles” conference at the recent “Not Another Writers Festival”.

Rugby tackle. AFL, ARL fusion as defense against Trump handshake.

‘We made Donald, When we corporatised and privatised society into winners and losers. Didn’t hear you complaining then. This is what you get. He’s the office psycho at large. And the worst thing is that you folk at the Wheeler Centre just don’t get it. You haven’t evolved strategies to tackle him other than head-on. You never tackle a Donald head-on. You’ve gotta tire him and then move in for the kill. Look at this video of Ali, he taints his opponent and then runs around. Donald will not be able to keep up, and then as he staggers move in for the kill. This is what Vladimir would do, and perhaps what whoever it is who runs China. They get it. You egg heads are too busy being shocked to understand sport tactics. And because you had you head buried in books you mistook his behaviour and humanity for your own distorted bubble of like minded beret wearers.

But we have a solution, to book-end him. This requires principles both learnt in footy and rugby. When the Donald is on stage, go both sides, wedge him, shirtfront him and then, bring him down.

The tragedy, (addressing the stunned crowd) no one would do it. You’re all soft cocks! There’s only one man who can bridge the gap. A man who knows no fear and can provide a bridge between the talkers and the walkers, the bankers and the other wankers. For that man, his hour has come’……

Enter Mark Latham.