Shocking! Earth sheds tears

Earth Tears. A continuous flow of warm, hot, emotional tears.

Dear reader, for long we’ve heard hypothesis after hypothesis as to whether the earth is in fact a living, thinking being. The foremost, the GAIA hypothesis is literally too monstrous to comprehend, and assumes that the anthropocene era is a just a blip in the evolutionary chart. indeed, so disturbing is the GAIA hypothesis that it has been declared “Untrue’ by Emeritus Professor Malcolm Roberts of the Flat Earth Polytechnic. He dismissed the claim as, “Poppycock’, We all know the earth is six thousand years old and coal incidentally is damn good for humanity’.

But we beg to differ. Startling images have arrived from Hawaii that prove once and for all that the earth is a living, breathing, sentient being and it’s “crying”. The first ever incidence of ‘Earth tears’ and not just a trickle but a great gushing cascade’.

Close up

“We have no been yet able to communicate with Earth at this stage’; claimed a spokesman from JPL laboratories in California, ‘and Its unheard of, but these truly are Earth-tears. Lava just doesn’t do that’! Senior research scientist, Will Full-bottle from the Scripps Oceanic Institute; “they clearly are tears, the rock crevice is in the shape of perfect test duct and there seems to be no other explanation for such an emphatic perfect stream of earth- tear”.

‘Sadly, world leaders choose to ignore crying earth and squabble about putting refugees anywhere else, global trade deals and the choice of colours for the Commonwealth games logo. Though the Commonwealth games logo is singular in its global importance, we hasten to add that the tears could be a precursor to something much more cathartic. Perhaps, and this is the guarded opinion of the last research scientist at the CSIRO, before taking up his Halliburton study tour of detention facilities, ‘the earth crying is unprecedented, and we should be thinking of the root cause’.

Earth as it was upon creation . Some six thousand years ago.

Spurned by his conjecture, we have consulted the worlds leading thinkers, and Professor Roots Causal, suggests; ‘they are a cumulative effect brought upon, by the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. It went to the ascension of Donald Trump. It’s called the ‘Trump-Singularity’. Shocked, we’ve seen the irrefutable truth, since inauguration seismic activity has gone off the scale, and all other indices are on target to suggest the earth, suffering alone and unregarded for countless aeons has had enough’.
“Nothing short of a complete physical breakdown’, suggested lead terrestrial psychologist, Wilbur Tremor-shake “ it’s unprecedented, and usually a period of prolonged emotional stress is followed by deep trauma. In a global sense this could be in the form of a seizure, reversal of magnetic polarity or in the worst case scenario a cessation of global movement. In simple terms the earth will cease to spin. And there’s nothing you can do about it. One side will permanently face the sun, the other will freeze to death’.
What can we do we asked?
‘There is only one thing you can do the expert answered. Hope the ‘Trump singularity’ will cease, and if that doesn’t work, talk to the earth.

If enough people believe in the earth, it may recover. But it needs to be convinced. It needs an individual of determination, intelligence and grit. Sadly, we have no one left in Australia, and our first choice had the opposite reaction, we had earthquakes all over the place’. Who was that we asked? ‘Oh your leader, Malcolm’. And why did it fail? Ooh he sold the earth to a higher bidder, most powerful man on earth to intercede. He is known as D.T and he (the D.T) deferred to a higher authority still’, Higher we asked? is that… God?.

‘No Rupert. He said he’d look into it make earth an offer. Earth would get a generous 1% share in his business empire. Why only 1%? ‘That’s the standard rate these days for the general public. Rupert was quite firm on that, and earth had no choice. And besides Rupert has more important things than an emotionally unstable earth to placate. And what could that be we asked? ‘His reputation’.

For what we asked?

‘As a world leader’.