Ghislaine and her Royal mates in happier times

Dear reader, we apologise for this tacky tabloid edition of pcbycp, but as you may well understand we have to report as accurately as possible contemporary trends and sometimes as a consequence we return to the idiom of paparazzi-type hyperbole. We apologise, but as an affiliated body of the ABC we do what we can within the exigencies of budget restrictions. (Read on)

Now we know where Ghislane is, could someone please help us find Dyse?

Dyse in happier times, working on his first novel, “Touchy-Feeley”.

Following in the recent discovery of Ghislane Maxwell in hiding we’ve been looking for Dyson Heydon, (Dyse to his mates).  We want to interview him for his angle on Prince Andrew. You see Dyse, after doing the Union Royal Commission and attending Liberal fundraisers during the Royal Commission to demonstrate his objective, unbiased findings on UNION BASTARDRY has sort of gone into hiding. We reckon there’s only one reason. Apart from being fingered by sheliahs for being ‘innapropriate’,  he’s a positive dead-set front-runner to be the next GG. And with all this fuss about feeling up Sheilas in the office, we figured he’d probably be in secret talks with Prince Andrew. Giving the Prince the heads up, and general advice on how he can set the record straight. We had no idea he had a record, but I spose between the Prince and Dyse it must be several score and if you put their mate Ghislane into the mix it could be thousands. A heady metric you’d have to agree. That’s how Royalty value adds the free market.What’s this got to do with the price of dead fish in the Murray Darling Basin?

Ghislaine and Andrew in happier times

You see Dyse and Prince Andrew were both front runners to be the next GG. Royal protocol would have it. Just as it is a princely right to have the first “feel’ of any eligible Sheilas.  It’d be Prince Andrews Royal dibs to get the first go as GG. That’s why the palace wont reveal all the papers its had since John Kerr righteoulsy kicked out the Whitlam government, because the Royals still have a possie for one of their ilk to have a red-hot go at screwing the Aussie taxpayer. In as much as they enjoy screwing their own constituency. And lets face it, Prince Andrew couldn’t get a root in a brothel at the rate he’s going. Even a reality tv game show contestant wont touch him now, so the only option left, like the other chinless git who went to Timbertop is the ‘Australia Option’. Particularly now the option of having a bit of a bob each way on Honkers is now gone. The Communist party wouldn’t take kindly, to it, even though they enjoy stashing public funds, accumulating wealth and shaggin any thing in a skirt, they woudn’t take too kindly to Andrew. Andrew is a bit of a diadem short of the crown.

Fergie and Prince Andrew in happier times

So we were lucky to get an anonymous tip-off. We’d gone through the usual channels for dissapearing persons. Interpol, The Federal Police, Victoria Police, Carl Williams, former state Police Commissioners and come up with a complete blank. Things looked grim till we got a tip off from an anonymous woman who went by the moniker of “Big Red”. Turns out she wanted to tell all if we gave her 50 k worth of Macdonalds vouchers, a bottle of Bolly and a night out with the man of her dreams. We could do the first two, but were stumped on the last requirement. Turns out it was a tossup between Emanuel Macron and Justin Trudea. ‘Big Red’ had Expensive tastes. We asked, would Tony Abbott do? And the answer was a qualified maybe, provided we threw someone of experience into the mix.  When we mentioned Craig Maclachlan, the deal was done, and we waitied for the information. 

Dyse is on a speaking tour of Commonwealth nations, talking up the importance of integrity and professional standards in sport. We found him in the Despots lounge at the Stamford Royal in Johannesberg, giving a white-board presentation on racism in sport. Dyse was never one for irony. Dyse is always working on human rights.  It’s what makes him a worthy AO beneficiary. As a high flying silk he knows all about integrity and the invioable truth of the law. That’s why he’s working with the Feds on something just as big as the Union Royal Commission, the prosecution of Witness K and Bernard Noakes. We’d never heard of em, but he told us they were people who breached the law and done terrible things to hurt our international standing, and  deserved the full force of the law. We took him at his word, and then asked, who is this “Big  Red”? He blushed and before we could say Campari, in walked of all people , the woman in red herself, ‘Fergie’. 

Hard at work for the armaments industry; “The Fixer”

Fergie with Martini in hand sized us up, ‘Hello boys, you know what they say?, Better in bed with a woman in red”, Dyse shuffled awkwardly and gave us a Union Bastardry Royal Commission look. 

But that wasn’t what shocked us the most,  because following closely behind in drag with a tiara on his scone was none other than “the fixer” Christopher Pyne himself. . And if you want to know what he was doing there you’ll have to wait for our next installment, “ A Prince in waiting for a real Queen’ or “Fergies feral fling’ . 

“Rivetting” (The Observer).