An update from the Minerals and Energy Council.

Dear reader, we are seldom privy to the inner workings of a major player in the Australian Industrial/political scene. But, through a brief misadventure we have been given the recording of a recent conversation between the well established advertising firm, Farkyuse, (pronounced Fark-youse) Mr Richard, (Dick) Pullen and chief executives from the Minerals and Energy Council. We are also delighted to announce that present at the meeting in their stewardship role from the Federal Government were none other than Dick Warburton and Maurice Newman. To avoid confusion, we have captioned Mr Warburton as Dick 1, and Mr Pullen as Dick 2.

 Warning: we wish to advise our readership that there is in this recording constant and frequent coarse language.

 

Dick 1:                   Jeez, you buggers at Farkuse really stuffed up on the “Coal is Amazing” promo. Even the Queenslanders and the Westralian public thought it was lame. And you said it was ‘GILT EDGED’!! We’re flogging fucken coal mate it aint rocket science. It’s got an image problem, for one simple reason cos it’s shit.

Maurice:               Yeah, but it’s made quite a few of us fucken rich.

Dick 1;                  Allright, Rich Shit, (spontaneous laughter)

Dick 2:                  If I recall it was your department that suggested we go for broke on the “Amazing” theme.

Dick:                    Well the only amazing thing is we had to pull another 65 million from the CSIRO budget to fund the bloody thing. (guffawing)

Dick 2;                Well I suppose there’s always a silver lining, (much laughter)

Maurice;             To my thinking it proved about as gilt edged as Buddy’s move to the Swans. (more laughter)

Pause as sound of drinks being poured

Maurice:,            But seriously fellas, coal is looking like shit, it’s harder to move than Putin’s arsehole, so what are we gonna do to polish this little turd?

Dick 2:             Well there’s always the TAC, approach, frighten the shit outta them so bad they’ll be creaming for it.

Dick 1:             What and have it blow up in our faces, like the number you did on domestic violence, rated it’s socks off on youtube in Saudi Arabia and Islamabad for Chrissakes!!

Dick 2,             No, this time we’ve go a considered approach, we’ll hit em where it hurts most. We’ve got a big, bold plan, and it’ll get us outta the shit.

Maurice;             And how you gonna do that? We’ve got mums and dad’s crying foul over ‘amazing’, and every nimby basket weaving, lefty cunt in Australia worried about the fucken reef.

Dick 1;              He’s right, they’re now banging on about this latest coal mine employing 300 people, whilst the reef employs tens of thousands. We just can’t compete with ‘Green-wash’, it’s a flaming disaster.

Dick 2,              Hang on fellas, we’re gonna hit em where it hurts

Maurice:           What!!! Tell em if they don’t use coal their balls ‘ll drop off,

Dick 1:              or their tits’ll go saggy, (much laughter)

Dick 2:             No seriously fellas, this is a fucken beauty, we run it this way. I promised Gilt edged on the coal is amazing promo, but now we’re going for

“GUILT EDGED”. It’s a fucken winner.

We run this line that environmentalists don’t give a fuck about poor bastards in India. And that their bloody Balmain basket weaving nimby selfishness is KILLING PEOPLE.

Maurice:,            Isn’t that a bit far”

Dick 2;               Nah mate it all gets down to numbers. There’s a billion trillion of em over there, and we don’t give a fuck about em as you know, but the angle is, greenie wankers are stopping em from getting a head start and their killing them, all the time, just like if they were Iraqi’s or Syrians or Palestinians or an “endangered species” or something.

Dick 1;                What if they say that’s nonsense?

Maurice:             They can’t cos it slots em, and we’ll have all power of the Christian lobby and some sanctimonious turd like Bill Gates behind us. With a bit of luck the same smug natural fibre wearing tofu eating wankers who are into micro financing and all that lefty third world shit.

Dick 1;                But who’s gutsy enough and thick enough to push that whopping great lie, Barnaby wont do it after he fucked up on the Shenhua mine.

Maurice:             I know, we pulled another 200 mil from CSIRO to do an international search, (convulsive and sustained laughter) and lo and behold we discovered we have a little lifter right here amongst us. We’ve found another little unpolished turd in parliament.

Dick 1                 Yeah, but you’re forgetting that now Abbotts gone we’re fucked!!, And his intransigence cost him the job. No one in parliament will do the “Coal is good for humanity’ line again.

All of them:          And who’s gonna be stupid enough to do that?

Maurice:             Oh Leah, luv, you can let him in now.

Enters josh Frydenberg,

Maurice;            Joshy boy, Welcome to the family. (straight face). Find yourself an honest man in Parliament? That’s what we pay him for!! (uprorarious laughter)

C’mon Joshy give us a line

Josh;                 ‘Coal. It’s a moral imperative to save people from sudden death’!!

Maurice:            You fucken beauty

Josh;                 All of us need to fight SIDS, (Sudden Indian Death Syndrome) with COAL!

Dick 1:              Jeez, you’ve trained him well!!

Josh:                 Can I do the existential threat?

Maurice;             Steady on boy, don’t wanna crowd the airwaves…

All;                      You’ve got the gig Joshy, (much laughter and sounds of back slapping)