A PCbyCP Exclusive
Dear reader, there’s been a remarkable flurry of interest in the recent problems encountered on Victoria’s regional rail system, and we know now that in the higher echelons of the Ministry of Transport offices there’s been mysterious going’s on, and intense global interest, at a height not seen since David Bowie recorded the; “Let’s Dance Video’ in an outback pub.
A BOLD NEW FUTURE FOR VLINE!!! Airfix and Hornby unite to solve the Regional Rail Disaster. ( Kit includes Fat Controller, faulty wheels, level crossing and very tight curves)
It is rumoured the Ministry is seeking International assistance from ‘Experts’. The Public Transport Users Association spokesman was succinct in his appraisal; ‘The conundrum for V Line is immense, people are flocking to the regional rail carrier, it was never meant to work this way, they just haven’t got the capacity. Right across Victoria, the trains are chocka block as people take advantage of the free travel. It’s a death by hundreds of thousand of fans ’. A spokesman for the RACV was less generous; ‘I can tell you this much my friends at Vicroads are hopping mad!! The fact that good money was diverted from freeways has well and truly put their noses outta joint, and there’s some developers who are absolutely FURIOUS’!!
Curiously an unrelated report suggests that the entire stock of model railway scenery and track have been bulk purchased by the Ministry for “Evaluation Purposes”. A spokesman, for Victorian model railway enthusiasts described the conundrum, “We’ve got our annual exhibition and show scheduled for the Exhibition Buildings, and we can’t even buy a foam tree or plastic passenger, the entire lot has just been “ sucked up” by the Ministry’. It’s not fair’!!
We at PCBYCP have unlocked the Mystery. The following an edited extract from the press conference this very morning, about 8.25, (though due to an equipment malfunction, the conference was re-scheduled for 8.43).
Senior Executives in the Ministry of Transport Offices ‘burning the midnight oil in solving the Rail debacle.
The Minister: ‘The Ministry of Transport are upgrading the entire fleet of V’locity trains!! (thunderous applause). And how? By the POWER of lateral thinking!! (thumps rostrum). We have a NEW MODEL! We have commissioned International experts, and come up with a FINAL SOLUTION! (Cataclysmic applause and wolf whistles) AND HERE IT IS!!!(Minister unveils very attractive model railway. Even bigger in scale then Ai Wei Wei’s bicycle sculpture). This is the FUTURE!!! It is my pleasure to present to you the Architect of a BOLD NEW Direction in Regional Rail; Mr Stan Dardgauge, CEO of Triang Hornby: “Thankyou Minister, when we were contacted we were literally stumped. This is a catastrophic event! But our experience has won through. May I demonstrate our new kit. The Bombadier!! And I’m gonna tell you this it’ s a real BOMB!! (Much laughter) This Model is the new working Prototype. It will be Up- engineered and establish a new Standard. Manufactured HERE in Victoria. (Explosive Cheering)
From our experience gained in the reliable manufacture of functioning scale models, we’ve made some significant changes to the V’locity fleet and are pleased to offer this advice to the state rail authority. A polite suggestion in the dearth of proven engineering experience. These trains are 100% reliable, and have been augmented with the wonder of STEAM!! The NEW BOMBADIER promises incredible savings and is ON TRACK. The is the very first time that we at Triang Hornby have worked in conjunction with Airfix, and in doing so has SOLVED the Problem. (Cataclysmic applause, and Minister drenched with tears of joy)
CEO of Hornby Mr Stan Dardgauge working on the problem at the Company’s proving ground at Tyttenhanger prior to transfer to the Company’s research facility at Ballencrusher
Triumph Herald. Used as prototype vehicle to test new Vlocity Curve Tolerances photographed outside Ministry of Transport secret Research Facility.
Each kit comes with a loco and three carriages, as you can see, (holds carriage in the air) the wheels WILL fall off!! In this instance, thanks to our friends at Airfix we can provide both unworn, semi worn and positively square wheels in easy to select change-over bogies. Also and I think you’ll be impressed, each set comes with a level crossing which stays open as the train passes, and the tracks, (holds very tight curve to ghasp of the audience) these curves are so tight, they’ll make you squeak!! Not since Airfix produced the Triumph Herald sedan in 1960 have we had to replicate such a tight turning circle, and like the curves, the components all fit together in a SNAP!! (much laughter).
We’ve captured the essence of this very individualistic V’locity Train. Advance model sales have gone through the roof and our Shatshoo plant has been working 24/7 keeping up with demand. Indeed we’ve had orders from as far afield as Iraq and Afghanistan, both places that are keen to instill the virtue of rail infrastructure after being ‘civilised and democratised’. This is a unique train set, and I’ll remind you there are features on this set you wont find anywhere else in the entire world. It presents new challenges to Australian manufacturing. We’ve literally jumped the gun, and incorporated real steam, from a boiler located in the forward compartment. No more smelly fumes, and courtesy of our friends in the Minerals and Energy Council it is completely coal fired. And to avoid stoppage, each rear carriage, (hold rear carriage to oohhs and ahhhs of audience) has an electric reel cable to ensure that when the coal runs out it’ll just go and go and go. It’s a win win for industry and ensures once again that we are truly the clever and innovative country. We cannot keep up production, and know that demand this year is forecast to outstrip Star Wars merchandise!!!!!
Much applause, and confetti and streamers released overhead to rapturous applause, and recording of Gracie Field’s iconic, ‘Wish me Luck”.