And the public will Love him for it!
In a stunning turnaround for the Turnbull Government the Coal Minister Josh Frydenberg has unveiled an ambitious plan to run the entire Melbourne Tram System on coal by the end of the decade. Opening the Coal Utilisation Network Taskforce at Parliament House he unveiled a map indicating the first super coal networks to transition Australia to an energy security future. The Minister, beamed;
George and Tony, Saving us from ideological purists on the left.
’This is a red letter day for Victorian technology moving forward. We as the Federal Government for Big Coal were stymied by the CEFC, (Clean Energy Finance Corporation) and realised we were up for some pretty stiff legislation through an unfriendly Parliament. We also had a big problem convincing states other than Queensland that Big COAL was great for humanity. But now the problem is solved. By gifting Melbourne’s tram network to the ADANI Corporation we’ve opened up super new efficiencies moving forward. Indeed the Melbourne tram network, though popular and burgeoning with patronage just wasn’t visionary enough and with Hazelwood closing there was not enough incentive for the public to transition to clean coal. That’s why we’ve developed ‘Route 20 20’. The ADANI Corporation will extend the tram network to outback Queensland, and ensure that the entire system is Re-routed to the country’s needs. And what better place than Victoria! By passing this Special Legislation, (PUTRID), the Public Utilities Transport Rent Infrastructure Deal, we’re acting responsibly to ensure that Victorians and the Victorian taxpayer will own this stunning piece of infrastructure. And it’ll establish balance for all Australians with a viable energy mix to ensure sustainability in the near future moving forward.
‘We’ve got to look at all our options because of the challenges the we face. Namely to have energy security and energy affordability, as we transition to a low carbon future’. (this is a real quote) Victoria was moving dangerously close to renewables and this was causing major trouble with our donors and the right kind of people who lobby us in Government. By gifting the tram network to Mr Adani, the problem is solved and will provide unparalleled efficiencies for new transport users, which happen to be lumps of coal. Lumps of coal have inalienable rights. They sit on the front bench in parliament and represent a persecuted black minority. In addition to giving this constituency representation we’re waving the statutory Myki fee for the fare. They’ll be transported comfortably by a fleet of augmented W class trams and transitioned directly to our loading facility at Portland. It’ll save the Great Barrier Reef from further coal related pollution and allow what’s left to be mined and converted into viable Real Estate. It’s a win for fast rail and a win for regional areas. AND it’s a win for third world countries we don’t give a fuck about, because Mr Adani owns them also. And the best thing is that like our lobbyists in the gambling and banking industry Mr Adani pays bugger all tax, so that any unrepresented, persecuted lump of coal left lying around will be available for really destitute people, the Melbourne homeless for example, and it will give them a rung on the ladder of opportunity.
Billy Snedden. Free from the taint of ideological purity and died, ( allegedly) a happy man.
The Sth Australian blackout was a crucial watershed. And they’re fucked on water too. Though we’ve worked tirelessly to close down the car industry and manufacturing in this country, we were worried that there wouldn’t be enough reliable energy to build the first two froggy submarines, ‘le toilet’ and ‘le merde’. Ideological purists within the party have sold off all the infrastructure to rapacious core private providers via our GREED initiative ( Green-ish Rented Energy Efficiency Developments). We were pretty much stymied on doing anything about that, and to be quite frank we were running our of ways to privatise anything else, (though we’re interested in healthcare) without the public getting suspicious. But this initiative is a doozy, the public in Victoria like rail, they’re crazy about it, this way they get plenty more rail, and the legislation ensures that the public get entirely routed. They’ll be so routed they’ll be shagged. And who aint happy after a good shagging. It’s what made the late Billy Snedden a great leader.