When we thought it was a DONE DEAL. Cecil thanking the PM of Tuvalu.

Waiting for the fuel. PCBYCP crew cooking bacon and eggs on the sun-scorched wings.

We‘ve been involved in intense negotiations with the front bench of the Tuvalu Government, (All three of them). We’ve foundered in negotiations because the kind Chinese Government officials who offered to help us, will only refuel the Catalina if we can sign another document. The document implicitly states our endorsement that the people of Tibet and Uyghurstan are delirious with joy since they had re-education.  All Australian Hong Kong Citizens will forget about protesting and go back to where they came from, where they will be processed and re-educated. They know how seriously Australia takes education and thought it would be irresistable. But we baulked.  Because, as we stated previously we’d thrown in the penguin parade, access to all children of senior party office holders to any uni they liked, and platinum room at the Crown, as a demonstration of our bona fides. But we couldnt get the Aussie government to replace Scott Morrison with Carrie Lam. We stated as any fool would know, only Rupert has that kinda clout, and they’d just have to stand in line behind Gina and Twiggy.  But they just laughed, they said they had “the fixer” on the line. We just laughed back at em, and said the “poodle with lipstick” aint got any clout any more. 

We’d arrived at a sticking point. Neither side would budge. Then they changed their negotiation strategy. They wanted Sam Dastyari back in politics. That was all very well, but we couldnt find him.  Last thing we heard he was hanging out with Andrew Robb. On a trade delegation to send used- crims back to New Zealand. Made more difficult by that do- gooder Hardon, (the New Zealand P.M) who keeps telling us how to uphold an ethical high moral ground. “For fucks sake’! we said: “there aint no fucking high ground in Tuvalu to begin with”. . If that aint the headhunters kettle calling the witchdoctors cauldron black.

After off-loading the last of the tinned fruit.

All awhile, after we’d filled their shelves with tinned fruit, (The Tuvalu government have no shame), they just wanted more and more. 

Protracted negotiations are tough. Worse in a tin-pot Pacific island state. In spite of nuclear tests, drug smuggling opportunities and sending boat people to rot on their shores they still want more. And then….it’s hard in the end to know what they absolutely, (after all is said and done), want in the first place. We offerred them the washing machine, the pop up toaster and the latest European appliances but they just wanted more and more. 

Cecil attaches the listening device to the bow of the pcbycp CAT.

Then Clarrie, minus a kidney and half of his liver after negotiations with the helpful Chinese surgeons, suggested from his iron lung, ( The iron lung had been donated by the Australian government in 1975 as a nation building excercise that was destined for East Timor but re-directed when Gough gave the Indonesians the go ahead), that we just piss off in the night on their government launch. We were tempted. We could leave them the Catalina so that they may have the nucleii of  a formidable nation building airforce.  But after deep thought we determined we wouldn’t have a bar of it. It may be O.K for foreign powers to do that sort of thing. But  “we” on principle demand that negotiations with other countries should be rules based. And on a level playing field, or coral atoll.  Its a principle of fair play that Australia is famous for. 

After further talks between the Chinese and the Tuvaluans,  we got down to the nitty gritty.

Offloading the micro wave and the washing machine onto the Tuvalu Govt launch

We had a DEAL. But then, the goal posts had shifted…….. AGAIN!

We were three coconuts short of the bakers dozen, when they said we couldn’t leave till we’d given them a washing machine, a years supply of typewriter ribbons, a micro wave, a jet ski and a Mercedes. We were stumped.  We could get them  a Maserrati Quadraporte or a Lamborhghini in fragrante delecto from some mates who run security at Manaus, (they have connections with knobs in the New Guinea Government). But we couldn’t get the other stuff cos we were outta credit with Transurban.  It was then, that Clarrie had a brainwave.. 

Get in touch with our man in London! 

What the Eff!!! 

And before you could say APEC, he was onto Alexander Downer. 

More of the waiting game. Will the Chinese and the Tuvaluans, accept our final offer?

Alex was an absolute champion.  In just a day we had their government headquarters bugged, and we really knew what they wanted. It was so bloody obvious we smacked ourselves that we’d never thought of it. 

They wanted an option on the Star Casino in Pyrmont, and the same tax breaks given to the Chinese Government. Then, in a stroke of luck we found Sam Dastyari. He works for both Crown and Star. In a flash, the deal was signed, a victory for good Governance, (Australian style), and the Catalina is being refuelled as we write. 

Sitting in the Engineers chair, Cecil, chuckled, “Ok Boys, next stop Tuvalu”. We pissed ourselves laughing, cos as you all know a Catalina is an amphibious aircraft. 

We were so relieved! We thought they may have wanted a say on something really important to Australia.  Perhaps the biggest single plank in the Coalitions policy Cupboard. 

Casting off! Ungreatful buggers! Next stop Vanuatu!

like………….Franking Credits.