Dame Ira enjoys a Stinga with Aloo and Ranjit,
Dear reader, (all three of you),
Occassionally we feel obliged to publish letters to the editor. This proves that we are a learned and reputable paper. It also, (our share- holders are mindful of this) demonstrates our place in the diminshed cosmos of publishing. It is our firm belief that it is only a matter of time before we are snapped up by either the Murdoch Empire or the “Peoples Daily’. Both reputable publishing houses with a broad reach and popular appeal geared to that index favoured by university adminstrators, ‘the lowest common denominator’. So laugh awhile as we publish these two edited extracts from our scribe from the near north; Dame Ira Maine, OBE. Kt Cinque Port, Tawny Ports, and associated after dinner liquers, and the reverend Ernestine Pangebourne- Slutt.
She/He writes;
Dear Hef Jnr.
Only yesterday with the subs in the mess room of the 11th Rawalpindi Camel Corps there came a sudden flash :
Aloo was shortly dismissed after an attack of acquired punkah puller syndrome, (apps). He was deemed ineligible for the NDIS.
‘Covington-Smythe is at it again!’ the cry hilariously went up as the gent in question, exercising his penchant for novelty exhibitionism, twirled and swirled amongst the tables clad only in generously applied Turkish rouge and a daringly revealing breech clout
Oh, what fun we had! such amusing gaiety! I have no doubt whatever but that the Raj is the better for it, don’t you agree? A morale boost of the finest kind, by Jove! Even the punkah wallahs, seized by the abandoned moment, briefly abandoned both their posts and their undergarments to join in the fray. Covington-Smythe seems to conjure up that sort of reaction in the natives. Anyway, when his performance had finished, a horde of devilishly attractive, dusky young men appeared and bore him off into the night. Next morning, on parade he looked decidedly jaded, doubtless worn out by his nocturnal campfire storytelling and dance demonstrations.
But on, on, to more serious matters.
Ewer Amble Servant,
Ira Maine
Dear Razzle,
In desperation I write to you, anxious to be assured that you will continue to carry our tasteful ads for “Useful Inflatable Devices for the Home and Garden’. I refer particularly to our ‘Slip and Slide’ self lubricating model which, in times of difficulty, you can slip over your cucumber. This has proven to be a huge commercial success , particularly since we introduced the self-stiffening modification.This, as you know, ensures your cucumber will not shrink but will remain tautly fresh and rigid until eaten.
Prototype ‘SAFE-SEX’ Inflatable
We here at ‘INFlATABLES” are truly astonished (and pleased) to discover that your readers take such a keen interest in horticulture.
We are particularly interested in retaining our position in your advertising columns, particularly now as we are presently working on a lifesize female robot to act as a thoroughly modern scarecrow. This device will be as authentically human in every respect as we can make it. After dark or in inclement weather the device will demonstrate its appreciation for being indoors and will, I am sure, with its softness and warmth, prove a jolly companion in the winter months to those of us who are without a partner. The device may be safely taken in the bath where it will not only benefit from having its nooks and crannies soaped but will, unsurprisingly, obey your every command slavishly thereafter.
Feel free to call us at any time.
In the hope that our business arrangements may continue,
Yours, etc.,
Executive model (manufactured in choice of latex or polyvinyl finish)all models are “self- lubricating’!
Ernestine Pangebourne- Slutt.