Letters to the editor

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Our Pfizer man of the year, wanted so much to be head of something else other than ‘Crown Casino’, (our Parliament)

Our man in Paris, (the Paris end) got his mate SCOMO to lobby so hard till it hurt!!……the rest of Australia.

Dear reader, occasionally we like to give an insight into the working of this newsletter, and the very important, ( some may say trenchant) goings on we deal with on a daily basis. If you’re not quite sure why the PM never rang the CEO of Pfizer and would like to know why he made over 90 calls lobbying for Mathias Cormann, this letter may give a telling insight. And if you’re worried about the glacial vaccine rollout, our advice is to make a cup of tea, ponder the futility of it all and PANIC!

 

He writes;

 

 

Mathias has done a lot for COAL and his mates in a GAS LED RECOVERY!!! That’s why he head the OECD. (Organisation for the Economic Coercion of Democracies)

I shared a cup of tea with …..(name redacted courtesy of ASIO)  this morning at his super-cool sawdust kitchen. This proved difficult as it led to prolonged discussion as to who should make the tea. Then followed the question as to who got to put the tea bag in the cup and whether it was  actually safe to do so, the cup having a noticeable hairline crack which seemed to circumnavigate the entire body of the cup.

SCOMO on the phone to his mates at the OECD! Whenever there’s a crisis he’s busy…….. doin something else.

Then of course, being possessed of only one cup, using a glass jam jar was seriously considered. There are difficulties here. In order to sup from this potential utensil one must first introduce the hot tea into the jam jar without the jar exploding enthusiastically and decapitating next door’s hydrangeas. The better part of valour prevailed.  It was unanimously decided, despite the risk of the hairline crack, (now mightily bound round with a bit of insulating tape) to share this only cup. Oh I know, right away, one can see the difficulties attendant on this.The immediate question is; Who gets the first sip? Whose lips will first sample the Twining’s delight? And the Black Death, what of that? The potential for buboes is  as we all know, omnipresent and as you remarked in your book “Cycling through Burma; The Curry Trail’ the Black Death has drained the country of punkah wallahs and houris (or was that in your Indian Trilogy ‘Nabobs I Have Known?’) One way or the other, your advice was always to carry a sturdy pair of straws about your person in order to both negate the ‘Single Cracked Cup Syndrome’ and to be at least useful should an emergency tracheotomy be required.

Anyway the reason I’m calling is to warn you off sawdust kitchens. It is impossible, should you happen to drop your false teeth,to distinguish between your own fake molars and any other bit of leftover dinner that might be lurking in the sawdusty depths.Everything comes up looking like prawns covered in Panko breadcrumbs (even dog turds) So be extra careful about what you shove in your mouth, even at  Jeremy’s poshest dinner parties.There’s also the slim but nevertheless likely chance that you, whilst pretending to retrieve your napkin from the sawdust, you pick up what you believe to be, your already dropped teeth. But then, horror of horrors! you discover that they are not yours at all but the lost teeth of Dame Olga Frankelberg, for which she has been offering substantial rewards for the last two years.She apparently regarded the teeth as family heirlooms as she had inherited them from her maternal grandfather following his Eiffel Tower plunge. Dame Olga will be hugely grateful and beside the remuneration,  may demand she reward you… in other ways.
My only advice in this case is for you to avail yourself of her facilities.

Scomo and his mate ‘DUTTO’ texting Mathias’s new mates anywhere else other than those stupid bastards afflicted with COVID at home.

This email brought to you by incomprehensible electronic devices which are, as we all know, the spawn of Satan.
How are you and your good lady going? Please reply by urgent carrier pigeon.
Blondin the Wire Walker

Another great world leader working the phones for Mathias.