Dispatched 16th December 2016.
חג מולד שמח
The “this will be the last Dispatch for 2015” turned out to be a non-core promise. Yesterday’s Dispatch was so un-Christmassy that I’m foisting one more on you all.
An Australian Jewish Christmas:
A Melbourne Jewish family caved into pressure from their children to celebrate Christmas. Caught up in increasing enthusiasm they went for it big time. Their home was festooned with flashing Christmas lights. Messages of goodwill were stencilled on the windows with artificial frost. A much decorated Christmas tree, with a Nativity scene at the base and a crowning angel at the top, graced the lounge. A magnificent Christmas dinner feast was prepared. They almost went the full hog, but drew the line at the Christmas ham… we don’t eat pigs, you don’t eat pigs (Tim Minchin) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfhFunPO4bQ
So there they were, all the mishpocha gathered around the table. Aunty Rachel hammering at the piano, leading the children singing Christmas songs “…. little baby Jesus…”.
Suddenly Uncle Solly dressed as Santa Claus and carrying a big bag full of goodies over his shoulder, burst into the room: “Who wants to buy a Christmas present?!”
A Canadian Arctic Christmas:
Panarctic Oils had decided, as conciliation for those rostered to spend Christmas at an oil drilling rig on an Arctic Island, to provide some Christmas cheer “for the boys”. A magnificent real pine Christmas tree was loaded onto the Electra plane in Calgary, as well as a very generous box of decorations and two cartons of beer. Normally no alcoholic beverages were allowed, but an exception had been made, two cartons of beer for a crew of about 30. Inside ‘the Bay’ (the Hudson Bay Company’s shopping centre), whence the tree had been purchased, the temperature was kept at a steady 60ºF, outside on the way to the airport, the tree was subjected to a temperature of minus 10ºF. After takeoff for the short haul to Edmonton (where the drilling crew was picked up ) the temperature inside the aircraft gradually increased to 60ºF. When the doors were opened in Edmonton air at minus 20ºF entered the aircraft. After loading drill pipe or whatever, the doors shut and the temperature once again gradually increased to 60ºF. The next stop was Yellowknife where the aircraft was refuelled. The doors opened and minus 30ºF air rushed in. On takeoff to the Arctic Island, the temperature once again was gradually increased to 60ºF. On arrival at the rig on opening the doors, air at minus 40ºF rushed in. Eventually the tree was transferred inside to the mess hall. Our lodgings were kept by a boiler room and a system of pipes and radiators at- you guessed it- 60ºF. On defrosting the tree lost all its needles. The only other Australian on the crew was the radio operator. He was the prime suspect in the disappearance of 50% of our Christmas beer allocation.
So determined were we to partake in Christmas cheer that we so decorated the naked tree, that its true condition could not be discerned by the sharpest of eyes. The cook let out a secret, vanilla essence (of which he held ample stocks) has a very high alcoholic content. The essence is in essence not palatable, but is quite digestible when added to copious quantities of ice cream. Added to our beer ration (three quarters of a stubby each), the essential ice cream and sheer determination resulted in us getting quite merry.
With considerable gusto we sang Christmas songs around the camouflaged tree and had ourselves a Merry Christmas.
…I gwana weesh you a merie krismas from da bottum of mayi jart…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gELfPvb06pE
A Yuendumu Warlpiri Christmas:
Darby Jampijimpa was both an important Warlpiri ‘ceremony man’ and a ‘good’ Baptist Christian. So decent a man was Darby that he waited until the next day after family, friends and politicians had gathered on his 100th birthday at the Alice Springs Old Timers Nursing Home, to fall off the twig. If there is a Heaven, Darby certainly earned a place in it.
For many years Darby used to dress up as Father Christmas and make an appearance as a not all that convincing Santa Claus at the Yuendumu School Christmas Party.
For reasons best known to himself Darby had replaced Santa’s sonorous “Ho Ho Ho” with a high pitched “Hee Hee Hee” whilst vigorously ringing a bell
…he could play a guitar like ringing a bell… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ROwVrF0Ceg (I know, I know, completely irrelevant. Any excuse to sneak in a Chuck Berry song)
One year, inspiration struck the Yuendumu School post-primary boys and their teacher. They assembled, out of ply-wood, Santa’s sleigh. Mary the linguist very kindly made her Holden Ute available to tow the sleigh. Darby settled into the sleigh and the ute set off and all augured well when Darby started ringing the bell whilst “Hee Hee Hee”ing. The driver got a bit of speed up, when bits started falling off the sleigh. Darby was no longer ringing the bell nor “Hee Hee Hee”ing. He was gritting his teeth and holding on for dear life whilst the oblivious driver sallied forth, depositing a trail of debris in his wake.
That was to be Darby’s last appearance as Santa Claus. The baton was taken up by younger even less convincing successors.
Never again was a Holden Ute drawn open sleigh to make an appearance in Yuendumu.
…Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQc5WkO47eQ
ושנה חדשה שמחה
Frank