Getting to Tolmie. Sophie will have trained navigators, (support staff) to help her find Tolmie.
Dear reader, we continue with our detailed expose of exciting plans to recapture the people of Indi by the Liberal candidate Sophie Mirabella.
Tolmie Show Day. Feb 2015 Running schedule 12.00 pm.
Candidate will step out Eurocopter in gumboots. Eurocopter must be parked at designated site 5 km from event. To be picked up in rustic Holden Rodeo, cab tray or Series Two Land Rover. Tray will be carrying hay bales as planned. Candidate to be assisted in securing her position on top of bales. Mountain cattlemen will ride, (see diagram) as escort. Entry made by main gate to show grounds.
12.10 Allocated space beside wood chop for meet and greet. Photo op, Candidate wields axe above block labelled ‘Shorten Bill’, Anticipated much laugher. Candidate retorts; ‘Shorten faces the axe’!! Then proceed to the show arena. 12.15 After some discussion it has been determined that candidate WILL walk amongst stalls and vendors. As scheduled she will stop at the ‘Christian Voice’ bookstall and praise both recent autobiographies by members Bernardii and Pyne. Offer praise to “Family Values’ and “Christian Values’. Will also pause at Wood fired heater stall to admire stoves and proclaim, with briquette in hand, “Coal is good for Humanity”. 12.25 ‘Sophie Loves both Animals and Children’.
Candidate will be seen to hug some local children, (please source half a dozen willing local children). Children presented must be CLEAN. Designated disabled child Diedre, to the front. (counselling offered to children afterwards, and hand sanitizer to be administered to candidate) 12.30 After a public hug of Diedre the disabled, and presentation to Diedre of Disabled encouragement “ Token”, Candidate will walk, across the arena chatting gaily but not over effusively to the locals. Members have been briefed to integrate with public and stimulate conversation and one liners as rehearsed. Members requested to not engage candidate in over long conversation.
To all party members; ” Integrate with public’
Topics as rehearsed;
12.45 Weather and bushfire hazards, ‘The bush is our friend, but will kill you’!
12.47 The Muslim threat, ‘Don’t be fooled, Terror IS everywhere’!!
12.50 Being un Australian, ‘Adam Goodes the Troublemaker’!
12.53 Domestic violence, ‘Some Women?….Bring it upon themselves’!
12.55 Ice epidemic, ‘Tough on Justice, Cut the Dole’!
12.57 Lifters and leaners, ‘Stop welfare rorts’!
1.05 Asylum seekers, ‘Don’t just Stop the boats, Sink EM’!
1.10 Travel entitlements, ‘I drive a farm ute, I’m a country girl”
1.15 Awards of decorations to volunteer fire fighters.
1:25 Discussion with reps from Mountain Cattlemen. ‘Scandalous treatment meted out to custodians of the high country’. Candidate will amuse assembled sundry with opening of whip cracking ceremony.
1.35 Formal opening of show on specially constructed dais, “As a Country Girl”.
1.40 Tolmie and Mansfield Scout troop to conduct formal March past at beginning of speech.
1.45 Blessing of the flag ceremony.
1.46 Blessing and welcome to country by traditional owners, (local real estate agents). Mountain cattlemen to remove distinctive Akubras and Dryzabones, re enter as ANZACs, (light horse equipage including WW1 .303 Lee Enfields). Cattlemen then Remount and then at charge, bayonet wheat filled fertiliser bags labelled “Greenie”. Enter ‘Sadie the Safety themed Lady’ face painting clown who will burn sacks and demonstrate to public and school children how to quarantine a crime scene and isolate terrorist activity. With assistance as pre-arranged by Sergeant KillJoy (Mansfield Police) with police tape.
1.55. Float drive by. This years popular locally themed float and parade will be dedicated to the theme, ‘Ice and Addiction an Existential Threat’!! (Lolly Man. M. Turnbull) The dreaded Ice man, ‘Mr Icey the Rotten Lolly Man’ (in costume generously donated by the Minister for Education Mr. Christopher Pyne) will be tasered, beaten, handcuffed quarantined in detention, (animal pen with SAFETY Placards,) by the ‘Goodness to Humanity Man. Bernie the Briquette’. Children encouraged to spit on Mr Icey.
Mr Icey!! The dreaded Ice man!!
2.00 Judging of Cakes and Preserves Candidate engages in detailed conversation with Iris Mossop, (CWA Delatite branch) on her recipe for vanilla slice. Pauses; turns to local news and Murdoch press, “Oohhh if only I had that recipe’, then recites soliloquy, ‘Being a woman I must say, How I love hearth and home. How I love to cook’!
2.15 March past of Australian Industry, (due to the scarcity of locally manufactured product this event has been cancelled)
2.20 After kissing more disabled children the putative member for Indi shall walk to the animal enclosure and select the black lamb, ‘Freckles’ and kiss it. Photographers and local newspaper journalists are encouraged then to transcribe soliloquy; ‘Being different is un-important to me, that’s Why I love being a Country Girl”,
2.25 pm, Candidate, pauses and then lays wreath upon cenotaph to fallen soldier. Places at feet of cenotaph, (accompanied by her two adorable children Persephone and Medea anointed in superb Laura Ashley designer gumboots), signed copies of Corey Bernardii’s and Christopher Pyne’s remainded Biographies. Brief soliloquy on the ‘Sacrifices of Public life’. Kisses flag.
2.35. Returns to ute. Assisted onto hay bales on tray. Diedre the ‘Token winning’ disabled person is hoisted onto hay bales to share ceremonial departure. Ute performs one circuit of oval with mountain cattleman escort.
2.40 Presents giant fridge magnet ‘Keep Australia Safe’ to U12 Tolmie football team.
Sadly, after the last show day, and lack of enthusiasm show by the general public there will be no free hugs from our candidate.
2.45. Candidate assisted from ute tray and to rostrum. Farewell address, ‘Tolmie, Potential Gateway to Terrorism’. Distributes fridge magnets to mothers and children. Casually dressed party members clapping and cheering, form honour guard. Sophie dons Dryzabone, waves Australian flag. Prepares to depart arena. Ute decorated with banner ‘Sophie, a Country Girl’, performs another circuit. At gates ute stops. Sophie kisses ‘freckles the black sheep’. Proclaims, “I love Diversity’! Ute departs
3.00 Return to Eurocopter. Flies home.
3.10 Candidates Husband and children to return to Wangaratta as per arrangement in ute.
Important This promises to be a turning point in our campaign to restore Indi to its rightful member. Discipline is essential and under no circumstances whilst in the public eye shall members be seen hitting or verbally assaulting wives, disabled or minorities. As discussed in briefing by the Rt Hon Minister for Education Mr Christopher Pyne, ‘What’s done behind closed doors is best left behind closed doors’.