After all we’ve done for em! INGRATITUDE!
From our embedded reporter,
We got the tip off at 5 Ack Emma, (that’s five am for non military types). We were GOING IN!.
Our mission? To install a barbecue on another Afghan village.
A symbol of Australia’s determination to civilise savages in the field, and a display of our technical excellence in building BETTER COMMUNITIES!.
There was none, but we still had to do it for THEIR OWN GOOD!
Cpl Smartars, (pronounced ‘Smart-arse’, “Smarty” to his mates) knew a lot about community building. He’d piloted a Chinook during The Intervention. He reckoned after he’d disgorged a cohort of military police, a battalion of SAS, an elite commandos corps, a bomb disposal unit, a medical team equipped with the latest operating theatre, and triage unit and a lone psychologist, his words, “ the Abos,‘ll be into the “Space Age” from “the Stone Age” faster than you can say “Stronger Futures’ had a ring of truth to it!
In Afghanistan PROUDLY flying our National FLAG!
In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” National Flag
The NT Intervention. Teaching the locals how to stand around.
Smarty had a point. After the intervention he could point to the success of civilising. The prisons were full, the Abo’s were cowered, and the public, (as always) could be guaranteed (apart from some lefty wankers) to not give a stuff. That was the one abiding principle of Aussie, the apathy. That’s where he got the idea of installing barbies in benighted, wretched communities writhen by drugs, pornography and alcohol. Though there wasn’t any of that in those communities it didn’t matter. It was important to show we cared and was doing something about it. And it looked good for the folks on the telly back home. Almost as if a REAL PROBLEM was there. This gave us background. Background is important for dealing with Abo’s. Some people reckon they’ve been around for fifty upwards thousands of years. All we knew was they’d been complaining ever since settlement, and didn’t appreciate how lucky they were and how grateful they should be. That’s the core principle of civilisation. They’ve gotta be grateful with their culture being displaced by 24/7 shopping and day time telly, and Sports Bet. Perhaps that what makes em so crook? The fact that in fifty thousand years they never came up with such great ideas. Ideas that generate TRUE wealth.
Anyway arrived at a village and there were all these Afghan blokes standin round, looked like they were gathering for a mosque or something. Normally we‘d use the interpreter, but the yanks shot him last week in a friendly fire incident. We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either.
In Afghanistan PROUDLY displaying our “OTHER” ‘OTHER’ National Flag
Preparing to mount the Crest on the splash- plate of the Afghan Barby!
One of em looked shifty. Smartarse asked him; “whaddayou lookin at me mate’? the Afghani just looked mutely on. “Stupid bastard”, Smarty turned to us; ‘reckons he can’t understand English, or was he tryin to be shifty? To emphasise his good intentions Smarty waved his barbecue tongs and said; ‘we’ve come to put a barby in your square, and with a bit of luck you’ll fucken understand the sacred peace-making role of the barby’. The Afghani, pretended not to hear, and we noticed out of the corner of our eye another Afghani walking across the square. He looked shifty also. He was carrying something, Before you could say “How many runs did the Don score in the 48 test series?” Smarty yelled, “He’s got a IED”!, And the blokes for the SAS, motioned us to get outta the way and HIT THE DECK!
We sympathise with the poor yank who’d shot him, we can’t tell em apart either.
Within seconds the square full of Afghani blokes was gone. We couldn’t tell if it were the machine guns, the semi automatics, the fifty Cal, the Claymores, the napalm, the mortar shells, the 40 mm, the 88 mm or the 110 mm or the bomblets. Just to be sure the C140 Gatling made sure there were no stragglers. When we looked up and the shooting stopped, the only thing left were the barbecue tongs standing curiously upright, “Jeez’, Ces said to me; ‘all this barbarism is wiped out, and civilisation prevails”. Ces was philosophical that way.
He had a point. Innocent lives had not been wasted,
Will the pcbycp team remain embedded? Stay tuned to our next civilising episode in ” A Kabulli-Beef Beyond” or ” Two Paki’s short of the North West Frontier”.